Where I belong to

~[AN: This has been one of my very first stories, and I wrote it when I was 12, so it's crap. I had had English for about a one and a half year in school back then, sooo be gentle........]~

Disclaimer: Nothing�s mine, but Cherry, Benjamin and Rick. All the others belong to Joss, Grr Arg, FOX, UPN�The song �Crawling� belongs to Linkin Park
Notes: Warning: DEALS WITH RAPEThis is a post-Gift fic.
Feedback: This is my first angsty fic, PLEASE tell me if you liked it!

*~*~*

Maybe it�s right. Maybe I just don�t belong here. I should go. Go away. Away from them. Anywhere. Anywhere, where I put no one through this pain.

It�s better this way.

*~*~*

MAGIC BOX, SUNNYDALE June 16th 2001 One week after Buffy�s death

The Scoobies, including Spike and the AI Team, including Fred sat silently in the room. Dawn sat in a corner of Buffy�s Training room, weeping so silently over one of Buffy�s photo�s.

She lay the picture down, one single, lost tear fell on it, and she went outside to join the others.

�Is she in heaven?� Dawn asked.

Eleven faces turned to her, pain clearly written on each one.

�No� Tara said.

This shocked everyone.

�She�s not- She-�literally, s-she killed herself. Self-murders have to find their way, they have to know where they belong to. They- She is stuck in a ghosts world for eternity. Nobody was ever able to find out. They all spend the rest there, until they forget who they are. Then they stop- they just stop existing.� Tara whispered sadly.

�NO� Angel yelled. � She�ll find her way- She�ll make it. She always makes it.�

In the training room, her photo disappeared.

*~*~*

SAN FRANSISCO, SOME BACKALLEY

Somehow, I was back from the dead. I lay weak in a corner, in the same cloths I died in. I didn�t move. I felt too lost.

Then he came.

�Have you lost your way?� He asked me.

�I don�t know� I replied.

�You�re beautiful� He said. He lifted me up on a skip and removed my cloths. I tried to stop him but I was too weak.

He never let me go.

I felt dirty.

And nobody would ever be able to make this dirt go away.

*~*~*

I cried. I don�t know how long I cried, but now, there weren�t any tears left.

I lay there for hours, then came a girl. She asked me what wrong was, but I didn�t answer. I didn�t want to speak anymore.

She lifted me up easily. I could have got free if I wanted, my slayer strength was back by now, but her grip was soft, as if she was afraid I�d broke if she touched me too strong. But she was able to.

*She�s the new slayer* I realised then.

She brought me to her home. I spent hours in her shower till I realised that the dirt I felt wasn�t on the outside. I didn�t say a word. But she was nice, she really was. She treated me like a baby that needed to be protected.

�What�s your name?� she asked softly, smiling. She had a beautiful, caring voice and although I felt like I couldn�t feel anything anymore, I trusted her.

�Buffy, the Vampire Slayer� after her shocked look I said � returned from the dead a few hours ago and already raped� and although I thought there weren�t any tears left I collapsed on the floor and cried myself asleep.

When I woke up I found myself in a strange bed. I panicked until I saw the girl sleeping peacefully in a chair next to the bed. It seemed she�d watched over me for the night. I was grateful for that. I must have made a noise, because she stirred in her sleep and slowly awaked.

�Mornin�, guess you didn�t sleep that well�

I looked behind her in a mirror, my eyes were red from crying and my hair was a mess. I must have moved a lot in my sleep.

�You�re my replacement?� I whispered. I couldn�t anything other. My throat burned when I spoke.

�I�m Chamila, but my family used to call me Cherry� She said �they were killed by vampires but my brother when I was ten, I ran away from my watcher. Now I live with my brother in a much too big four room apartment!�

�I�m sorry�

�Don�t be, I�m over it� She gently stroked my cheek. �Have you a place where you belong to? Does anybody miss you?�

�No. They might miss me, but I caused too much pain. I can�t go back� I said with tears in my eyes. I didn�t want to cry anymore but I couldn�t help it. The relation that I couldn�t go back to them scared me. Where do I belong ?

�You can stay here� She said

�Thanks� and with that I felt the tears coming once more. She gently took me in her arms and let me cry against her shoulder.

*~*~*

I leaned back against the wall of the shower and slipped down till I sat on the ground.

It didn�t matter how much I tried. It wouldn�t go away. It just stayed.

// Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I feel
Confusing what is real

There�s something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming � confusing
This lack of self control
I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can�t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence
I�m convinced there�s just
To much pressure to take)
I�ve felt this way before
So insecure \\

Something was inside me. It pulled. It hurt but I wasn�t able to make it stop. Am I not the one who is supposed to make it? What happened to me? Why do I feel so scared?

// Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I feel
Confusing what is real

Discomfort
Endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting � reacting
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It�s haunting how I can�t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence
I�m convinced there�s just
To much pressure to take)
I�ve felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I feel
Confusing what is real \\

Why can�t it go away? I want it to go away. Leave me alone. Why doesn�t the pain just go away? I want it to go away.

*~*~*

I stayed at Cherry�s and I soon got to know her brother. I didn�t know why I was afraid of him at first. But later I understood. Why am I suddenly afraid of men? I�m supposed to kick everyone�s ass. Especially his. I don�t know what I would do if I see him again. I don�t know if I would be able to stop myself from killing him.

We never talked about the night she found me. She knows I know that her brother knows, but we never talk about it and I�m grateful for that. What is this? Fear? No. I�m ashamed. I�m ashamed I let him do this to me, ashamed I didn�t do anything to stop him. Maybe if I tried harder. Maybe.

One month is it now. One month since she found me in that alley. The three of us grew great friends and soon I found myself train Cherry. I patrol again. It�s okay.

After two months we found Benjamin, a streetkid whose parents were killed. He�s 17, a child. He�s alone. Like us. So he stayed with us. Now the apartment is full.

After five months I finally spoke to Cherry. I told her how it felt. I told her everything. I couldn�t stop crying that night, but it was wonderful to have a person who knew what�s wrong with me. How I feel. The three are great. They look after me, help me. Once I really laughed about one of Benny�s sarcastic jokes. They all had looked at me in shock. Then they�d began cheering. They�d acted like they�d just saw their first children�s first step. I needed this.

*~*~*

�How is your home?� Benny asked one day. They all wanted me to visit my friends. Let them know I�m okay. More or less.

�How would you think it is to live on a hellmouth?�

�No. Your family. How are they?�

That hurt �My mother died on cancer and my father is somewhere in Spain or something like that.�

�Sorry�

I just smiled � My little sister. She�s the bravest little girl there is. My Watcher is just super. He�s the father I�d missed. Willow and Xander are the best friends a person could have and Anya and Tara are great. Spike�s a pig but he cares a lot about me , so do I�.And Angel�I love him.� I looked down on the plates I was drying.

�Ever thought about seeing them ?�

I looked up at him �I can�t�

�Why not?�

�They- They always thought about me like I was Queen Braveness. That I could make it all. Look at me , I�m a broken person. Not the one they knew. I can�t protect them anymore. I saw them. When I was dead, I saw them. They were in so much pain. Pain I�ve caused. I can�t do it again. Believe me, it�s better this way.� And then they came again. The tears. I thought my eyes were dry by now. I was wrong.

*~*~*

Cherry shook me till I was awake. I shoot me eyes open.

�You had a nightmare� she said concerned, her red hair hang loosely over her shoulders.

�That�s nothing new� I spat out. It was true. I always had nightmares. Always cried in my sleep. Went trough it all over again. But this one was worse. This time I wasn�t the one he did this to. I�d dreamt about him doing this to Dawn. My little Dawn. It was far worse than when he did it to me. I so wanted to kill him.

�I�m scared� I admitted. She took me in her arms and hugged me close. She was the only one I let near me. Not even Benny or Rick. These two never touch me. Only Cherry. She always makes me feel a little bit saver.

�I�m supposed to be the good one, right? What does it make me? I�m wishing I could kill him. I dream about torture him to death, cutting out his lungs and other organs. Slowly. Very slowly. What does this make me?� I began crying. She told me it would be okay. That the pain would go away someday. I tried to believe her. I failed.

*~*~*

One year was gone. Sometimes the old Buffy shone through, but that really happened not that often. The four of us grew to the best team there was. We were even better then the Scoobie-Gang. The thought of that depressed me. I missed them this much. I went to Sunnydale one time. This was two months ago and Angel and his guys had been there. I watched them from the shadows, just like Angel had used to. It was a shock to find out that Angel was now human. I wanted to jump out of the shadows and directly into his arms. But then I saw him flirting at the Bronze. Guess he really moved on. Now he was at least able to.

Not that I blame him.

He deserves happiness. One time, this miraculous Christmas 98�, I realised that one big part of the reason why he loved me had been my braveness. He�d looked up at me. Tried to understood how I still could be this strong without going crazy.

I don�t have this anymore.

Even if I�d jumped onto him. Would he still be able to love me?

I�d gone to my own grave. It warmed my heart a little that it was covered from dozens of flowers and was kept *very* well. I wondered who cared this much to stop by this often.

After checking if Dawn, Willow and the others were ok I went home. Xander and Anya were now married and Tara was a teacher at Dawn�s High School. Sunnydale High was rebuild. Once again on the hellmoth. Giles�d went back to Britain. Anya owned now the Magic Box but he stopped by to look after Dawn very often. I even checked on Spike and found out that he�d been the one keeping my last rest clean. It broke my heart seeing him crying drunken on my grave. I even put my enemies through pain.

*~*~*

SUNNYDALE, WILLOW AND TARA�S DORM August 19th 2002

�Where�s Angel� Dawn asked. Wesley came through the door. The two of them had checked the cemeteries, but Wesley�d came back alone.

�I don�t know�

�I wonder what this is. I barely recognise him. He�d changed this much. All those one-night-stands. They don�t suit him.� Willow said.

�His way of dealing with pain� Cordelia explained � He always did that since her death. Even when he was still vampire. There was no way he would have felt true happiness, anyway.�

�I miss her� Dawn said.

*~*~*

Angel walked through Sunnydale Downtown. Every time he saw a blonde girl he looked after her, bewildered, trying to find her among the crowd. Even when he knew he wouldn�t.

He sensed her everywhere. But when he�d been at the Bronze four months ago, when he�d been in Sunnydale the last time, he felt it stronger then ever before. If he hadn�t known better he would have said she�d been stalking him. God, how he missed her. Not one minute went by without him thinking about her. *If she were here, would we be a couple?*

He went back to Willow and Tara�s. They�d been in Sunnydale often since�

Sunnydale was helpless without a Slayer. They knew a new one had been called: Chamila De Leighn, but nobody had been able to call Chamila to Sunnydale. This was *her* town. Chamila wouldn�t be able to replace her.

*~*~*

SAN FRANSISCO, THE APARTMENT January 2nd 2003

�What?� This can�t be possible, I can�t go back.

�This demon said he would go to the hellmouth. It�s bound to you, Only you can kill it. You *have* to go back� Rick said softly.

Does this have to happen? Do I have to see them face-to-face? I can�t. �You can go there, warn them, while I go kill the demon!� I tried.

�Buff�

I felt tears in my eyes and Cherry rushed to my side and hugged me comfortingly. �I can�t� I whispered to her.

�It�ll be ok, you�ll see�

I cried onto her shoulder.

*~*~*

I don�t remember the drive to Sunnydale. I don�t know if I slept or if my mind were just somewhere else. Angel? Of course. He�s the only one I think about in those moments.

�We�re here� Benny said. Bringing me back to earth. I groaned and slowly, real slowly, got out of the car. Fear was all I felt.

Then I heard sounds of a fight in the cemetery over the street.

*~*~*

Angel and Spike fought on the front. Somehow they managed to throw it against a mausoleum when four persons came rushing into the cemetery. Two women were now fighting the demon. The two men came to Dawn and the others, checking if they were ok. Like a reflex Angel checked if she was among them.

She was.

�Buffy� He whispered shocked.

�Oh my god� Spike fell onto his knees, watching Cherry and Buffy fight.

Cherry left Buffy alone with the demon. She could handle him alone easily. Soon the demon wasn�t anymore.

Buffy looked into her former friends eyes. Fear written clearly on her face.

Angel was the first to react. He came rushing towards her, scooping her up in his arms and kissing her hungrily.

This felt right. His lips on hers, her being in his arms.

Then she felt something she hadn�t dare about to feel again.

She felt clean.

The End

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