Standing at the Edge of the Earth

Disclaimer: Joss is King, blah, blah, blah....
Notes: the song�s �Standing at the edge of the earth� by Blessed Union of Souls. Okay, I don�t know how, but this turned into a series.... well.... okay, a name.... a name.... Waaaah!..... Emotion Series? That okay? Soooooo... Seems like this is 3 of my emotion series!! *^_^*
#2 Note: I�m German, so there ARE gonna be mistakes. Tell me where they are, so I can fix them :o)
Rated: R?
Feedback: PLEASEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dedication: This one�s to Nina, thanx for the lyrics, hun! I immediately went to Morpheus to get it and I LOVE it! Thank you! You rock, girl! And thanks for the constant feedback! You�re one major reason I wrote this one because of! *^_^*
Buffy�s POV

*~*~*

//I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside\\

You�re begging me, full force and on your knees. You�re almost crying, but I stand there still, not able to let one word slip my lips that a parted slightly.

God, I want you, but at the same time I�m so angry. So furious. So devastated.

And before I know it I�m screaming at you all this ugly words again. But other than the last time, you�re not shocked, you�re not mad at me for them. You stand there silently. Letting me scream the shit out of it.

And for a little moment I�m tempted to let go. To just fall into your arms and let you catch me.

God knows I need to be caught.

But then again, I can�t forget the words you said to me. And I know you�d said them out of torment, but did that make them less true?

You always say the truth when you�re hurt. Or evil for that matter.

You wouldn�t have told me about Cordelia if it hadn�t been true.

And so I run, because it may seem you�re back in my life again, that you want me again, but I know you�re going to go again.

Leaving me all alone again.

//Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye\\

The sobs hurt so much I have to clutch at my chest and cough horrible when you catch up with me, pressing me against the building of the sun cinema and against your chest, trying to calm me with your soft words.

But your low and smooth voice reminds me of the only night I ever had with you and I only have to cry harder.

And I look into your eyes and they are totally calmed down. As if you don�t care. But I know deep down, not even knowing it myself, that every time I sob your gut clenched and twists in your insides.

And I don�t care. In a way, I want you to feel the pain I feel that moment.

I don�t want to say goodbye again, but there�s no way you�d want to stay with me. You told me once yourself. You�re with Cordelia, I�m sure, because she�s standing on the other site of the road, gaping at us slack-yawed.

//So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday\\

And I want to listen to your sweet words whispered in my ear, but my gaze is plastered to Cordelia�s over your shoulder.

And I see the tear strains on your shirt where my head had lain in the crook of your neck, all wet, but I couldn�t care less, because Queen C. is staring back at me and I suddenly grow very silent, the sobs subside in a flash and you had to think I was calm again and let go of me, but the moment your looming and tall body in front of me is blocking my sight to Cordelia, the sobs start anew, so strong and wrecking, like thunder bolting that impact right into my body.

You�re going back with her, I know it, but I can�t help but hope.

Hope, something I didn�t feel for a long time.

And I�m suddenly reminded of my Dawnie again, because she used to give me hope. Always. And she still does. But she�s not here. She hates me. And it sends a full blow of new tears to my eyes that are so red I�m sure there�s gonna explode some vein inside anywhere.

I�m alone.

My head cradled by your large and soft hands, drawing me against you, doesn�t change that.

//Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you know that I'll stand right by your side\\

Suddenly you start to cry, too, as hard as I do and I feel the sobs against my chest, where my body meets yours, pressed against you by your large hands.

But I don�t even hear the cries of apology, whispered into my hair. I don�t want to hear them. Because even when my heart tells me you�re saying the truth, I know you�re lying.

Because Cordelia the Saint is standing right behind us.

Pulling you away from me, trying to calm you down when I can�t, because I�m too occupied with my own pain. But Cordelia doesn�t care about that. She pulls you away, leaving me leaning against the stone wall of the sun-cinema, being stared at by various people passing by. Cordelia acts like I�m air. Not even there.

And all the people walking by treat me the same way. And nobody wants to see my tears, so they avoid looking at me.

//And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll...\\

And even though I know it�s useless, just wasting my time, I find myself sitting down at the white bench in front of my apartment building every night after that, so that I�m sure you�d find me if you�d come looking for me.

Because you don�t know where I live. You never cared to find out.

Not even Dawn knows where I live.

Nobody but Sofia, and she sometimes forgets my last name.

I know I�m alone. And the slayer, so I might not even have the time to make new friend before I die. But it still hurts.

I�m lonely.

//I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday\\

Sometimes I think it�s me. Sometimes I think it�s just my destiny that makes people turn away from me. It�s only natural, who�d want to stand in the line of fire every night just because they know me?

I�m meant to be alone. I knew that a long time ago.

A slayer has to be lonely.

And I suddenly wish Giles was here, or even Wesley. And I wish I wouldn�t have quit the Council. Those Watchers may don�t care about me as a person, but at least they�re there. And I wouldn�t be so very alone.

I just wish there was somebody here with me.

And I�m desperately eager to try once again and find Mr. Gordo.

Some way he just disappeared. I don�t even know when.

//And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll...\\

I know I�m just torturing myself, but since Cordelia led you away, two nights ago, I�m wondering what kind of relationship the two of you are leading.

Is it just about sex? Is Cordy the strong one of the two of you, like I have been when we were still together? Is she the talker of you? Is it similar to ours? Is she a better girlfriend than I have been?

Did you promise her forever?

//I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday\\

I know it�s useless thinking these things and I know someday they�ll all hurt so much I want to end it all, like I have tried so many times before, but I know it doesn�t do anything good.

When ever I try, I�m not able to perform suicide. And I end up having to live with the pain. And I just want it all to end.

Somebody please, just shoot me.

And I�m so sunken in my thoughts I don�t notice someone standing in front of me, of that bench.

And when I lift my head I�m staring right into your soulful, chocolate eyes, that look just as sad as mine.

//Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be...
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be...
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be...
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day...\\

And I feel the hope again, and I don�t know why and it�s just so confusing.

I want to run away from you again, but I�m frozen on the place.

And this time it�s me who starts this sweet kiss.

//I will see you\\

The End

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