Day after day, time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching, but I can't find
The courage to show, to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

Chorus:

 

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(Oh yeah) How will I know if I let you go?

Night after night, I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away?
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (to my heart)
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I got to choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

Chorus:

 

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(Oh yeah) How will I know if I let you go?

If I let you go
Ooh baby, ooh
And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go, I will never know (oh)
What my life would be holding you close to me
(Close to me)
Will I ever see you smiling back to me?
(Oh yeah)
How will I know? (Oh)
If I let you go (If I let you go)
But if I let you go I will never know (oh)
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(Oh yeah)
How will I know if I let you go?

 

If I let you go - West Life - Album: Unbreakable

IF I LET YOU GO

Mrs. Starsk Blondie

February 2004

 

 

 

 

It’s been almost two years after Starsky’s shooting. Everything was back to normal. Finally Starsky was allowed to go back to the streets, and with Hutch were the Dynamic Duo again fighting the bad guys and still trying to make a difference.

 

Even in their private life things seemed to take the old road, they’d started dating girls again, enjoying the company of some stunning stewardess or some other girl that happened to come their way. Nevertheless, Hutch seemed to finally have found the right woman for him. Karen was a nurse who had worked as part of the team treating Starsky during his recovery. She was a brunette with shoulder-length hair, blue eyes and a well-shaped body.

 

During Starsky’s stay in the hospital she realized the tight bond between the guys and understood it very well, thus making things easier for her to get into their friendship. When Starsky was released at last, they continued in touch, and Hutch confessed his partner that he felt something special for Karen. So Starsky encouraged Hutch to invite her to go out on their own, without any one else interfering.

 

“Come on, Hutch, you know how to get to a nice lady.” Starsky told him the first time they were alone talking about Karen and what Hutch was feeling for her.

 

“I know, Starsk. But after all the bad experiences I’ve already had, I feel a little hesitant about starting something serious with a nice lady as you refer to Karen.”

 

“Maybe this time things turn out alright. You have to take the chance of changing your bad luck with women.”

 

“Well, maybe she has a friend that could make the same change in your luck. What d’you think?”

 

“One step at a time, Blondie. I’m fine as I am now. Things’re going right with the ladies, but I want to feel completely sure that I won’t make any disaster during a date, you know what I mean” he said winking his eye. “Besides, you’re already interested in someone, so don’t tempt fate and just try for yourself and then we’ll see what happens.”

 

“I must expect you’ll have your fingers crossed to wish me luck with Karen” teased Hutch.

 

“That’s right, Hutch.”

 

So after that talk, Hutch invited Karen for the first time to go out as a couple just the two of them. She was delighted, as she’d fell for the blond half of the duo since the first day she saw him in the hospital. His personality had had an incredible effect on her. Seeing him caring for Starsky as much as he did, feeling bad when his friend was in pain, and being happy and joyful when Starsky improved in his recovery. Their bond and friendship was something she admired, and that made her feel Hutch was a very special man who she would be pleased to get to know intimately and conquer his love.

 

From that moment on, Karen turned to be a part of the guys’ life. They enjoyed their time together just the three of them or with the company of one of Starsky’s girl-of-the-moment. As well as Hutch and Karen relationship was growing to a more serious level, Starsky was just contented with some one-night stand or just short-term relations.

 

Hutch was intrigued by Starsky’s behavior toward women, but as besides that, his partner seemed to be the same old self, he didn’t mention it and considered that the time would come for Starsky to fall for that special woman that came his way, as he did with Karen.

 

What Hutch didn’t know, and Starsky felt relieved he didn’t notice, was that Starsky wasn’t interested in any one but Hutch. He felt comfortable with the company of some pretty and nice girl, have some good time and even enjoy some good and passionate sex with them. But he didn’t want to commit to a relationship with any woman because he’d realized it’d be impossible for him to fall in love with any woman. He was totally, absolutely in love with his blond male partner, and there was no way back from that feeling.

 

Starsky had always loved Hutch, as well as Hutch had always loved Starsky in return. But the fact was that after the long road to a full recovery for Starsky after the shooting, that love, that need for his blond partner had changed to a deeper level. With great surprise for himself, Starsky realized that he was in love with Hutch and each and every touch of the blond man caused a different reaction in Starsky’s body. There was an incredible intensity and it was very difficult to control in order for Hutch not to realize that Starsky’s heart started beating harder with a caress. Starsky had to take deep breaths to control his cock and not jump in front of Hutch when he’d helped him to take a bath or to get dressed. He even decided, before feeling completely recovered, to take his showers and get dressed by himself. Hutch felt uneasy and worried about it, but thought that maybe this little independence would be good for Starsky’s psychological healing.

 

But at the same time, Starsky realized that those feelings weren’t corresponded. Of course Hutch loved him deeply, and their bond was tighter after their living-together time during Starsky’s recovery. But truth was Hutch wasn’t in love with Starsky.

 

When Karen entered in Hutch’s life, the last part fit into place for Starsky to forget any chance of Hutch changing his feelings. Nevertheless Starsky was happy for his friend, seeing him happy, delighted and completely turned upside down with her. It seemed the right one for Blondie had come his way and the expected end of the line was a wedding in the near future and many “blondes” driving Uncle Starsky crazy.

 

As time went by, Hutch and Karen started to make plans for their future together. Starsky tried hard to go on with his hidden love, without Blondie realizing his true feelings. But all those wedding plans for a not so far future, building a family and the fact that Karen had already moved in with Hutch, was making things too difficult for Starsky.

 

Thus, Starsky made a decision. He’d fly to New York with the excuse of visiting his mother, whom he owed a visit since he was released from the hospital. He’d put some distance to ensure the control of his feelings and then get ready for being the best-man Hutch deserved in his wedding when the time come.

 

“You’re escaping from me, Gordo.” Hutch teased his partner, when Starsky told him the news about the trip.

 

“Escaping from you, Blondie? Why would I do that?” Starsky’s heart leaped afraid of being that obvious.

 

“You know there’ll be lots of things to arrange. I’d like you to help me with everything as you always do.”

 

“I’ll be back in time, Hutch. Don’t worry…It’s not that you’re getting married tomorrow or day after tomorrow…You didn’t even choose the date yet. I’ll be by your side in the right moment, giving you my back-up as always.” Starsky smiled relieved.

 

“I’ll bring you back myself, if you don’t come.”

 

“I hear you, Blintz” Starsky smiled fondly. “Besides, Karen is a wonderful woman and there’s no reason for you two not to accomplish your goal.”

 

Hutch squeezed Starsky’s shoulder. “Thanks, buddy. You can’t imagine how happy I am that Karen and you can get along so well. I couldn’t accept things other way. We always knew that the woman that fell in love with us had to accept the whole package.”

 

“No soapy scenes, Blintz, please…” joked Starsky. Then turning serious again, “I’m happy for you too, Hutch. It’s too important for me to see you feeling so well and so in love…” <<unfortunately that love is not for me>> Starsky’s mind completed the thought.

 

 

Finally, Starsky was in New York enjoying some time with his mom and Nick – though his brother wasn’t around as much as he should. Rachel was glad to have his oldest son to spoil, seeing for herself that her David was completely recovered from his ordeal and was his old self again.

 

Starsky tried to clear his mind and put things in order in his head. <<I have to be really happy for Hutch. If I really love him, and if I know I can’t have him, then I have to accept his decision. Karen is a great woman and I know she’ll make him happy and will give him a great family. There’s no way I can let Hutch realize my true feelings or I’ll rip his heart. Everything’d turn upside down and then no one would be content. I’ll do anything in my power to see you reach your goal of having a marriage going right and forget what you think is a bad luck with ladies>>

 

These thoughts were almost all the time hanging in Starsky’s head. And though he tried to act as casual as possible, his mother noticed something was bothering his dearest son. A mother always knows when something’s wrong.

 

So some days after Starsky’s arrival, she went straight to the point. “Davy, tell me what’s bothering you.”

 

“There’s nothing at all, mom.” He tried to deny.

 

“I know something’s wrong. And it had nothing to do with your physical strength or your job. It’s something more personal…D’you have problems with Hutch?”

 

“I never have problems with Blintz!” he answered annoyed.

 

“I wouldn’t be that sure,” she said frowning. “I remember some time not so long ago, when a girl almost broke your friendship. Is it anything like that with Karen?”

 

“Of course not, mom! Karen is a great girl, and she’s all Hutch needs to be complete. You know they’re making plans for a wedding in a near future.”

 

“Then you’re jealous because you think that you’ll lose your friend. But that doesn’t have to happen. I know things change, but…”

 

Starsky smiled fondly to his mother. “Mom, there’s nothing like that. I know there’ll be some changes, but there won’t be any problem with Karen. We all get along fine.”

 

“OK, no problem with Ken or with Karen…But there’s still something bothering you, and it has something to do with your heart…You’re wondering when the right one will come your way, so the two of you will have your own family.”

 

“My heart already has its owner.” The words just came out of his mouth and he regretted it as soon as he heard himself. “Eh…I mean…I-I have someone special.”

 

“Oh, and you happen to have her hidden from your mother. Well, now you have to tell me” she said smiling patting his leg.

 

“I rather not…I mean not yet…I’m not corresponded.” Starsky lowered his gaze not to show the disappointment in his face.

 

But Rachel didn’t let him go that easy. She took his chin and lifted his head again so she could see deeply in his eyes. “Who’s that special person who’s so blind to not fall in love with you?”

 

As brave as Starsky was as a cop, talking with his mother about his sentimental life made him feel like a lost child. He could never hide her when his heart was broken for love. But this time was even more difficult. How could he tell his mother that he was in love with a man? And worse, that the man in question was his straight partner, who was planning to get married any time soon.

 

“Mom, please, this time I’d rather not talk about it. There’s nothing you can do to change that. This time things are like this, and I want to let them that way for the sake of everybody.” His eyes were pleading for understanding. He stood up abruptly escaping Rachel’s inquisitor gaze.

 

“Oh my God!” it was the only thing that came out of Rachel’s mouth when she read between the lines. She then realized who the person in question was. “It’s Ken!” she exclaimed and Starsky turned around toward her, looking stunned at her. “You’re in love with Hutch.” Rachel smiled affectionately to her son, patting the seat beside her for Starsky to resume his place.

 

Starsky felt lost of words. He couldn’t lie to his mother. His love for Hutch was so strong he couldn’t deny it. One thing was to have it hidden, but another very different thing was to deny this love. Starsky went back to the couch, and sat beside his mother. He sighed. “I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you. I know this kind of revelation isn’t what you’d expect from your son…”

 

 

 

Rachel took his hands in hers. “I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed, though I surely am surprised and worried. Are you sure about those feelings, David?  I mean, I know you two have always been too tight. You’ve always had that special bond that I didn’t see even between you and Nick. But…this is too different.”

 

“I know, Mom. It’s been very difficult for me to accept it myself… But I’m completely sure that I’m in love with Hutch.” He said lowering his head embarrassed. “ Oh  God…this is so difficult to talk…”

 

“What are you gonna do, then? Does Ken know about it?” Rachel asked him a little concerned.

 

“Of course not, Mom. Hutch finally found the right one for him, and I don’t have any right to ruin his life.”

 

“That’s the true reason for your trip, and not to spend the holidays with your mom and brother.” Rachel said caressing his cheek, smiling lovingly.

 

He responded the smile shyly. “Part of the reason. I really wanted to come and spend some time with you now that I’m completely recovered. The other part is that I wanted to put some distance between Hutch and  me . I was afraid of being too obvious, and not acting as I had to.” He was silent for a moment, looking into his mother’s eyes. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I won’t bring you a wife, I won’t give you grandchildren… I’m sorry for not being what you and Dad would expect  me to be.”

 

“Calm down , David. I know this isn’t exactly what your father and I would expect. I mean, you being in love with a man… Of  course  I’ve had  dreamed of seeing you married and having kids, but you’re my son, and I love you no matter what you are. And I know your father would’ve come to terms with it, too.”

 

“Thanks Mom. I love you too.”

 

“Well, I don’t want to go into details about how and when it happened.  But I want to know what you’re planning to do with your job and your life. You know that this  kind of relationship isn’t accepted, and it could be the end of your career on the force”

 

“There’s nothing to consider about the department, mom. I’ll go on as always. And about my life, it’ll be the same too. I’ll be a bachelor forever, enjoying some good female company now and then.”

 

“You’re trying to convince me that you’ll be happy this way? Watching Ken with his family and you longing for him and without having your own family! I can’t believe it, Davy. For how long do you intend to keep this fantasy? There must be other way.”

 

“There isn’t, mom. Hutch loves me, but he’s not in love with me. And that’s the way it is.”

 

“How can you be so sure about Ken’s feelings? Maybe he feels the same, and he’s afraid to tell you.”

 

“No way. He’s in love with Karen, and there’s no doubt about it. Don’t worry about me. I’m getting used to  see them together. Though I have to confess that all that talk about the wedding and seeing Hutch so excited about it, made me a little uncomfortable. So I took some distance to put things in order in my mind again, before going back and face Blondie as his best-man.”

 

“Oh, honey. I’m very sorry.” Rachel hugged him and kissed his cheek. “I’m afraid that you will regret your decision, Davy. No one can live denying  his feelings forever… As strange and difficult as the situation could be  for a mother, I’d be glad knowing you both have the best for your happiness. You deserve to be happy too.”

 

“Mom… Hutch’s happiness is the most important thing to me. If he found love in Karen, I just have to thank God for it. Besides…I don’t want to put our friendship in danger. What I have with Hutch is too special to take this risk.”

 

“I can understand you…. But I still think that avoiding the subject with Hutch, isn’t the smartest decision…the truth is always better, Davy….”

 

“Not in this case mom…. Not in this case….” 

 

***

 

On the other side of the country, Hutch and Karen went on with their growing relationship. They felt great together. They fit perfectly well in what they like or dislike. And intimately, their encounters were full of passion and love. They synchronize perfectly well their bodies with desire and lust. As Starsky said, they were meant for each other. Karen was exactly what Hutch needed to be complete and forget his hard love past.

 

However, the distance between Hutch and Starsky was making the blond man feel some kind of uneasiness that was evident for Karen. They had already decided that they wouldn’t rush the wedding. There was no reason for it, as they were already living together and were fine that way. So that was the first step in going backwards with their plans.

 

“Is there anything wrong, honey?” asked Karen during a picnic in one of Hutch’s day-off, noticing for some days now that he was a little down.

 

“Just a little tired, sweetie. You know I don’t like deskwork, and with Starsky away, Dobey has me tied to the desk with lots of reports,” he answered caressing her cheek.

 

“You miss him, don’t you?”

 

“Who? Starsk?…Oh no…it’s just what I told you.”

 

“Don’t try to fool me, Hutchinson. I know you too well to know there’s more than being tired of your deskwork.” She straightened looking at him sternly.

 

“Does this mean that I won’t be able to hide even a surprise from you? Are you gonna know everything that’s in my mind?”

 

“Maybe not everything, but at least what has to do with Dave…What is it?”

 

Hutch sighed and sat straight facing her. “It has to do with the fact that after Starsky’s shooting, we’ve been almost always together. We’ve been apart no more than few hours. So I must confess that having Starsky on the other side of the country, makes me feel strange…I’d say a little lost.”

 

“I realized from the first moment I met you two that you seemed to be two halves of one whole. You always complemented each other so well. I suppose that the hard experience you went through with Dave almost dying, had to cause a deep effect in you both. And this is the first time that he is by himself all alone and far away from you.”

 

“And I’m glad you understood that, honey” Hutch said caressing her cheek and kissing the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry if I’ve being acting like a child and not the man you deserve, these last days.”

 

“It’s ok, Ken… Nevertheless, I think you and Dave should have a talk about your life.” Hutch was going to make a comment, but Karen stopped him. “What I mean is that as I know you two are very tight, and I accepted the whole package, as you usually say” she smiled fondly, “ I think, there should be more freedom to live your own lives.”

 

“Karen, I thought you felt ok with our relationship. I thought you’d accepted our tight friendship.” Hutch now  felt disoriented.

 

“I had…I thought so…” she sighed. “But lately, I-I don’t know…it’s like you’re always talking about Dave, thinking about what he’d say about this or that…Considering if he’d be pleased if we move from your apartment…He’s always between us, Ken.”

 

“Come on, honey, you can’t be serious. It’s not like that!”

 

“It is, Ken…That’s why I considered we should postpone the wedding.”

 

“You said that we shouldn’t rush things because we were fine as we’re now…You didn’t say…Well, this is just great, when I thought life was finally giving me happiness with the right woman to love and who loved me in return…”

 

“Ken, this isn’t about my love for you... This is about... what you feel for Dave, and what you really want to do...”

 

“What d’you mean? I’ve just told you what I wanted.  A future with you by my side...”

 

“And Dave...”

 

“Why is it that complicated now? You’ve been always fine with Starsky and I being friends. I don’t get why is such a big deal all of a sudden...”

 

“It’s not just all of a sudden as you say. I’ve already told you that each passing day, Dave’s turned to be the most important part in your life and everything you say or do, refers to him...And worse, since he’s gone, you-you...” Karen stood up and started to get away, but Hutch jumped on his feet and took her arm turning her toward him.

 

“What are you trying to say? That since Starsky left, I’m lost because I don’t have him around?” Hutch was furious now.

 

“It seems you’ve lost a part of yourself, Ken. Not just your friend, your partner, but the one you love!”

 

She freed her arm and ran away from Hutch who remained looking at her stunned with those words. <<’you lost a part of yourself. Not just your friend, your partner, but the one you love’>> he kept repeating for himself. <<I’d be out of my mind if that’d be true…How could I be in love with Starsky? That’s stupid. I-I know I love Starsky. I always did… But being in love with him is something very different>> He shook his head as to get rid of those thoughts and hurried to collect the things they’d took for the picnic and headed for the car.

 

Karen was inside the car looking straight ahead through the front window, almost immobile besides the little movements of her sobs. Hutch kept everything in the trunk of the car, sat in his seat and started the engine without a word. In no time they were on their way to Venice.

 

 

As soon as they entered the apartment, Karen ran to the bedroom. She took a suitcase and started putting her things in it. Hutch followed her and couldn’t believe his eyes when he realized she was leaving.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked turning her to face him.

 

“You’ve even lost your sight sense?” she said sarcastically.

 

“Karen you can’t be serious about what you insinuated out there. I-love-you” he said emphasizing the words.

 

“But you’re not in love with me, Ken…Can’t you see it? It took me some time to realize it too, but this trip of David gave me the last tip I needed.” She shook her arm free from his hold and resumed her task.

 

“I’m not gay, Karen, and Starsky isn’t either!”

 

“I don’t know how you should call yourself or Dave, it doesn’t matter to me. I only know that you two don’t share just friendship or partnership. In some moment it changed to something deeper, and I only can compare it to be-in-love.”

 

“So now, you’re not only accusing me of lying to you with my feelings, but you’re including Starsky in this mess! What’s the matter with you, Karen? You seem someone different at this moment. I can’t see the nice and understanding woman I met some time ago and whom I fell for.”

 

“I’m the same woman, Ken. The problem is that I realized what’s in your heart before you did it yourself. I don’t regret anything that we shared. You really made me feel loved and cared for. But you can’t give me the kind of love I need to be happy forever. That kind of love you keep only for David, even though you don’t want to accept it.” She closed her suitcase, took her  bag and a sweater and headed for the living room, ready to leave.

 

“Karen, please…Don’t go like this. Don’t end what we have being mad at me. Let’s sit and have a civilized talk… Just give me one more chance to explain my behavior. I…”

 

Karen left her belongings by the door and walked back toward him. His pained face was something she couldn’t resist. She then held his hands in hers, but didn’t sit as he asked, she remained standing in the middle of the room. “I’m not mad at you. I still love you and thus I want you to be really happy with the right one for you. And that one isn’t me, Ken…Think about something else. Dave left because he feels the same, and was afraid you could find out. Think about all that, take a flight to New York and don’t waste more time you two, and be happy for once.” She leaned forward and gave him one last sweet kiss on his lips. Then turned again and taking her things, left the apartment.

 

Hutch remained standing there, all what was said in the last hours turning round in his head. He finally gave up and sat on the couch, feeling weird, though not that uncomfortable with the idea Karen made him think of. With that he made a decision.

 

After a while, he reached out the phone and called Capt. Dobey asking him for some time off. He didn’t mention what had happened with Karen. He just told him that he’d decided to go to New York and surprise Starsky and Rachel, spending the holidays there with them. If he hurried, he could take a flight to get there right in time for Christmas Eve.

 

Dobey wasn’t very pleased with the idea of Hutch away too. But considering Starsky had already decided to stay with his mom, he gave Hutch what he’d asked.

 

When he finished talking with Dobey, he dialed the airline company to take the first flight scheduled to New York. <<If things are the same with you Starsky, as Karen said, then we’ll get things straight between us. I won’t let you fool me denying your true feelings, buddy. It’ll be Me & Thee as always>> he thought while on the line.

 

Things arranged, he went to his bedroom to put some things in a suitcase. He took a shower and then took a nap as he had some hours before his flight yet.

 

In his sleep, his mind was like a movie with lots of moments of their life together, and his unconscious made him see things in a different way. He saw the pats, touches, squeezes of a shoulder and all the ways they usually made contact with each other with different eyes, like reading between the lines. He realized that he needed profoundly that contact, and he was feeling a deep longing for the lack of it since Starsky wasn’t around.

 

He’d set the clock in time to get to the airport in no rush. When the alarm went off, it startled him taking him out of his reverie, realizing he had a hard-on due to those thoughts about Starsky, thoughts about his male partner. <<Ufff, Hutchinson, you better put a hold on yourself, or you’ll knock him down on the floor as soon as you meet him in New York>>

 

With this, he got off of bed, went to the bathroom to refresh himself and got ready to go to the airport in a cab. He felt happy with what he was going to face now, though he regretted the end of his relationship with Karen. But if she was right and everything was as she saw it, then it all worth that bitter moment of their good-bye.

 

***

 

The flight was uneventful, and with no great delays in the schedule, Hutch arrived to New York the next day near noon as expected. He hadn’t call Starsky or Rachel to surprise them, and he surely did.

 

A stunned Rachel greeted him at the door. “Oh, God! I can’t believe my eyes!” she ushered Hutch inside, hugging him tight as to convince herself this was true. Then she backed a little and taking his face in her hands, she kissed his cheek. “What a great surprise. I’m so glad seeing you!”

 

“Thanks for the welcome, Rachel.” Hutch was trying to compose himself after so much effusiveness.

 

“Come here, honey. Leave your luggage…DAVID, LOOK WHO CAME TO VISIT US” she shouted calling Starsky to  join them downstairs.

 

“What’s up, ma? Why such excitement?” Starsky appeared at the top of the stairs and stopped in his tracks as son as he saw Hutch. <<Oh God! You look much more beautiful after these days>> he thought and immediately tried to compose himself not to be that obvious. He started to go down the stairs, “Hutch, what a surprise, buddy!”. They both joined in a tight embrace enjoying the sensation of being together after those days.

 

“Well, that was the idea” Hutch grinned his beautiful and sweet smile. <<Oh God! How I missed his essence, his touch>> Hutch too felt it was difficult to control his emotions.

 

Starsky looked around, “But, where’s Karen? You didn’t leave her outside fearing we wouldn’t let her in, did you?” he teased.

 

“I came alone” Hutch answered briefly lowering his gaze.

 

“What happened?” Starsky asked worried for his friend, though his heart skipped a beat with anxiety.

 

“Don’t wanna talk about it now, Starsk.”

 

Starsky and Rachel exchanged glances intrigued with what could have happened.

 

“OK, we’ll talk about it when you want to.” He took Hutch’s suitcase with one hand and Hutch’s arm with the other. “Come on, let’s get you settled.”

 

Both men climbed the stairs, under the worried gaze of Rachel. <<God, does this mean something good’s gonna happen for my boys? Watching them together, I see they’re meant for each other>> she said to herself. Then she smiled to herself and headed for the kitchen, shaking her head annoyed with her own thoughts. <<Michael, I know you wouldn’t believe this. But you have to accept it, my love. I know this image of your son with his male partner isn’t what we both expected, but I’m sure it’s the best for both of them>> she added to herself as if talking to her husband.

 

 

Hutch put his things in the guest-room, while chatting with Starsky about everything and nothing in special. Then they had lunch with Rachel, and afterwards, they went out for a walk. It was very cold, and it seemed it was going to be a very typical Christmas with cold and snow. So, with heavy coats, they went out to see the surroundings. It was beautiful to see the neighborhood full with Christmas decorations.

 

They both knew that when there was something bothering one of them, the other only had to wait till the right moment, and the topic would come out. Hutch had done that many times when the problem was with Starsky. But this time, it was Starsky who had to wait for Hutch to want to talk about what had happened to Karen and him.

 

And the time came that night after dinner. They had a great Christmas dinner, everything home cooked by Rachel’s skilled hands. They enjoyed that time together. Even Nick was nice and they were like a real family, laughing, chatting cheerfully, and of course Starsky making some jokes about some of the gifts Hutch gave him in other Christmas.

 

After finishing with the dishes in the kitchen, Rachel went to bed. Nick had some plans for the night, and went out with some friends. So there was just the two of them. They were in the living room watching some TV, drinking some beers, and enjoying their company as they always loved to do.

 

“Everything’s over with Karen” Hutch whispered.

 

“What?” asked Starsky surprised.

 

“Karen and I broke up yesterday.”

 

“What happened? Everything seemed good when I left. I can’t leave you alone, Blondie…” he teased trying to lighten the moment.

 

“That’s what Karen thinks. She said that since you’d left, I started acting like I was lost, like I’d lost my other half.”

 

<<Oh, God…what did I do to you, Blondie? I tried to help, and I only complicated everything>> Starsky thought. Then out loud he said, “She should be upset for something, and she took it out on you.”

 

“No, she knew exactly what she was talking about. She said that our relationship…our bond had become tighter after the shooting…”

 

“Well, yes…but what does…?”

 

“Let me go on…” Hutch said lowering his gaze “She was fine with that at the beginning, but then she started feeling that she was out of place. She said that lately you were filling my entire world. That I was thinking about what you’d say or do with this or that, not considering anyone else’s opinion but yours…She said she felt like you were between us all the time.” Hutch remained with his head down.

 

“Great…she blames me for what she can’t get…Maybe it’s some kind of pre-wedding crisis or something like that. She felt terrified, and talking like that, gave her a good excuse to avoid the wedding.”

 

“It’s not that, Starsk…and I’m sure she’s convinced of what she’s said. And there’s something else…Though she doesn’t regret what we had and what I gave her, as she said…She’s sure that I can’t make her happy forever as I don’t love her that way…She said that I’m in love with…you” Hutch just then raised his head, searching Starsky’s eyes for a reaction.

 

Starsky’s heart made a leap as that wasn’t what he expected to hear. Trying to keep his expression as neutral as he could, he cleared his throat, “Just because you consider my opinion about what you do as something very important in your life, that doesn’t mean…” he didn’t finish the sentence as he noticed some kind of disappointment in Hutch’s expression. “What do you think, Blintz?” he finally asked fearing the answer.

 

“That’s why I’m here, Starsk…I-I don’t know…But it’d surely make sense…for lots of things…After Karen left many things came to my mind…And with her words still floating around, I could see everything in a different way.”

 

“And…?”

 

“And that different way didn’t disgust me at all…On the contrary, it made me feel a lot better.” Hutch smiled shyly. “It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? We’ve been our whole life chasing pretty girls, and now I’m wondering if I’m in love with my male partner…I’m sorry, Starsk, I shouldn’t be telling you this. If I’m supposed to be confused, that doesn’t have to include you in my mess.”

 

“Don’t be silly, Hutch. You know we can talk about anything and everything that’s important for us. And this is very important…Nevertheless, I think you should let some time pass, and maybe Karen realizes she’s wrong and wants to come back…Maybe all this in your mind is just the result of the situation between you two.”

 

“The more I think about it, the more I feel sure she was right…But don’t worry, Gordo, I won’t force you to do anything I know you don’t want to.”

 

”I’m not afraid of you, Blintz…I’m afraid of myself and what I’m doing to you and your relationship with Karen…But, as I’ve told you, maybe things can change and she’ll be back to you.”

 

“Stop it, Starsk! I don’t wanna sit around waiting for something that won’t happen…And most important of all…something I don’t want to happen…I’m alright with what I’m feeling now. But that doesn’t mean you have to stick with me and my weird feelings…as it seems they mean to you.” He stood up and headed for the stairs. “I’m going to bed, I’m really tired. See you tomorrow.” With this Hutch went to his bedroom leaving Starsky behind watching him.

 

<<What am I gonna do now? Does this mean he’s sure about his feelings for me? Could it be possible? Oh God, I don’t know what to do… But if I let him go now…maybe I’ll never have the chance to tell him I’m in love with him too and that I don’t think his feelings are something weird to me. I have to explain everything to him and why I acted like I did. Maybe this is the only chance I have, and if I don’t take it, I’ll lose him for good in the arms of  someone else.>>

 

“God gave me the chance to live again and find the true love. So who am I to refuse this opportunity” he said to himself in a low voice. “I can’t let you go, Blintz. If I do, how can I know how it feels to have you by my side intimately. How will I know what it is being loved by you…There’s no way I’ll let you go this time.”

 

With this determination, he climbed the stairs two at a time trying not to wake his mother and went directly to the guest room. There he stopped just a second to compose himself and not just jump on Hutch. <<This is the last chance you’ll have to tell me what you feel and what you want, and to hear what I feel and want. Then you’ll be mine and I’ll be yours forever. No one will come between you and I ever again, Blintz>>

 

 

Starsky entered the room quietly. Hutch was lying on his back, one arm over his head, covering his eyes. He was wearing only his underwear and a T-shirt, and the sheets were up to his waist. Starsky moved closer, not knowing if Hutch was awake.

 

“I’m fine, Starsk. You don’t have to worry. I won’t do anything stupid”, the blond said without moving.

 

“I know that, dummy” Starsky smiled sitting on the edge of the bed. “I just wanted to know if you were comfortable or needed something.”

 

“I’ve told you I’m fine” he answered sharply.

 

“OK…I’m going to bed then.” Starsky started to get up, but Hutch stopped him.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like you were bothering me.”

 

“It’s ok, you’re tired” Starsky smiled fondly. “Sleep, and tomorrow you’ll feel better.”

 

“Karen said one more thing…” Hutch lowered his arm resting it on Starsky’s leg, and looking deeply into his partner’s eyes he asked, “Why did you leave, Starsk? And I want the truth, the real reason.” Hutch was serious, he didn’t want to be fooled.

 

Starsky couldn’t resist that sharp gaze, and he lowered his head.

 

“Karen was right with that too…You’re in love with me…And that’s why you left…I can’t believe you didn’t talk to me.”  Hutch was astonished.

 

“I couldn’t” Starsky said still without looking at Hutch.

 

“You’re always saying we can talk about everything. Why should this be different?”

 

“You were with Karen making plans for the future, Hutch, don’t you see? How could I come to you and tell you ‘d’you know, buddy? I’m in love with you. So instead of being your best-man, I rather be your lover’”

 

“OK, you’re right. But why you didn’t say anything tonight? You just listened to me, while I confess my love to you, and you just stayed there.”

 

“I was, and I’m still afraid you’re confused, and that if I confessed my love, it would be worse.”

 

Hutch sighed. “After arranging everything for the trip, I took a nap before going to the airport, that was when I recalled lots of moments of us being together. And you know what? I woke up with a hard-on.”

 

Starsky looked surprised at Hutch.

 

“Like the one I have now.” Hutch took one of Starsky’s hands and guided it to rest on the bulge under the sheets.

 

That touch sent an instant message to Starsky’s cock that jumped in his pants. Smiling shyly he asked, “Are you comfortable with…?”

 

“Yeah, I’m warm already…but a little more heat would be fine.” Hutch told him jokingly, holding his gaze.

 

“I’m not talking about the room’s temperature.”

 

“Me neither…” Hutch sat on the bed and took off Starsky’s sweater, then took off the T-shirt he was using to sleep in. In their special way of communication, there was no need  for words. They took off the rest of their own clothes and Hutch took Starsky’s face in his hands pulling him closer till their lips met for the first time.

 

That was the last thing they needed to let their passion free. They clang to each other in a tight embrace, Hutch laid back again pulling Starsky with him. Starsky blanketed Hutch’s body with his, hand roaming, searching, caressing. Skin rubbing against skin, cocks rubbing together sending waves of pleasure that soon made them climax almost at the same time. Their groans and moans were drowning into each other’s mouths. So much hidden passion, so much silent desire, sent them so fast and so hard to the climax, that both rested spent in each other’s arms. They could only roll on their side, but not breaking their hold.

 

“I swear I can do better” Starsky said still a little breathless.

 

“What d’you mean, ‘better’?” asked a breathless Hutch. “You’ve already squeezed me out and you think that your performance wasn’t good, buddy?”

 

“That good, ha?” he smiled mischievously. “But what I meant was that though it was incredible, I’d been waiting for it that long that I couldn’t last.”

 

“In that case, it was the same for me.”

 

“So…are you ok with this?”

 

“Oh, come on, Starsk. How can you explain what’s just happened? I’ve never in my whole life felt like this with a man. I’ve never had a hard-on with a man before. And not just that…This was the most incredible orgasm in my whole life…And it was because of you.”

 

“Well, you surely were the only one that had my whole body running this complete and this wild as you just did.”

 

“Hope we didn’t wake up your mom…it’d be embarrassing to explain the noises that came from the guest-room.”

 

“Don’t worry, all Starskys have a heavy sleep” Starsky said grinning.

 

“Oh, family custom…” Hutch grinned back.

 

“She knows, Hutch.”

 

“What?” he blurted out. “You mean she knows everything about this new feelings?”

 

“She noticed there was something ‘bothering’ me and…you know how moms are…Well I should say how my mom is…One thing lead to another and she realized that my problem was that I didn’t have you in the way I needed to.”

 

“I’ll see to change that, Gordo.” He grinned affectionately.

 

“Now wait a minute, I’ll get something to wash you.” Starsky got up and went to the bathroom. He cleaned himself and brought some washcloth for Hutch.

 

The blond man just lay in bed, his arms crossed under his head, watching every move of his now lover.

 

“Why are you so quiet, Blintz? Anything wrong?” asked a worried Starsky.

 

“Just enjoying the view…All the times I’ve seen you naked, and this time it seems like the first time I really see how beautiful you are, Starsk.”

 

Starsky blushed with Hutch’s comment. “You are beautiful, Blintz. I really love to have you here all for myself.”

 

“Never doubt it, Gordo…I’m all yours.” Hutch pushed him down, throwing the towels aside and covering Starsky’s body with his. They joined in a deep kiss and then they fell asleep together.

 

 

Next morning, Christmas Day, they woke up not too early, but surely they both were wearing a big smile on their faces. Rachel noticed the change in mood in the guys, especially in Hutch, but she didn’t say anything.

 

“Good morning, and Merry Christmas, Ma!” greeted Starsky entering the kitchen.

 

“Good morning and Merry Christmas, Rachel!” said Hutch following Starsky.

 

“Merry Christmas to you too, guys…Did you sleep well?” Rachel asked.

 

“Terrific…” said Starsky winking to Hutch.

 

“Yeah, I had a great night, Rachel.” Hutch smiled at Starsky.

 

They thought Rachel didn’t see them, but she was observing them from the corner of her eye, and she grinned to herself.

 

Starsky took her from behind rounding her waist and kissing her cheek. “Didn’t you see under the tree yet?”

 

“I was waiting for you. Nick didn’t wake up yet either.”

 

“Who says I’m not awake?” Nick entered in the kitchen in that moment.

 

“Merry Christmas, Nick” said Hutch.

 

Starsky went to his brother and teased him with the gifts, like the old times. Everybody was happy and the house was full of joy. Rachel felt so good with that and she thanked God for having all her boys together and happy.

 

They hurried to the living room, and Starsky and Nick sat on the floor like when they were kids. They started to hand over the gifts to each one. In no time the floor was covered with gift-wrapping and everybody was ready to enjoy breakfast.

 

After breakfast, Nick went out again, leaving Starsky, Hutch and Rachel alone. The guys sat at the kitchen table, while Rachel started fixing lunch.

 

“I’m so glad you two came. I’ve missed you so much…And Ken, you’re so good for David.”

 

“Thanks, Rachel…And you can’t imagine how good Starsky is to me.”

 

“I think I have an idea.” She added winking her eye to her son.

 

“Mom!!!” Starsky said blushing.

 

“Rachel…I-I’m sorry.”

 

“Listen you two…I’m a grown up woman. There are things that maybe I don’t agree with completely. But what I want the most is for my sons to be happy. And you know, Ken that you’re like a son for me…So, if you two are happy together, I won’t be against it.”

 

“Thanks, Mom.”

 

“Thanks, Rachel.”

 

“I want to know if you two are completely sure of what you’re doing, and if it’s ok for both of you, with no regrets.” They both shook their heads yes. “Well, then what are your plans for the future?”

 

“We’ll see, as things come along, Ma. What I want you to know is that this is the best Christmas I had in a long time.”

 

“D’you know? I’ve learned to like Christmas when I met Starsky…But from now on, I surely will love it for the rest of my life.”

 

“I knew I could rescue you from that empty world of yours without Christmas” teased Starsky.

 

“Starsk….” Hutch looked at Rachel and blushed instantaneously.

 

“It’s ok, Ken…. “ Rachel laughed too.

 

 

The rest of the day was uneventful. After having lunch, Rachel went to visit some friends in the neighborhood, so the guys took advantage of being alone again. As soon as they saw Rachel close the door, they ran to Starsky’s bedroom. They shut the door, and immediately Hutch pushed Starsky against the wall, holding him prisoner and kissing his mouth fiercely.

 

Starsky responded the kiss passionately too till they both were out of breath. “Hmmm…glad to have the chance to know this side of you, Blondie.” Starsky said still pressing Hutch’s body against his.

 

Hutch just smiled, eating his lover’s face with his eyes, showing in that gaze all the passion and desire that he had inside. “Surprised with what you’ve found?”

 

“Absolutely…I knew you were very passionate with sex…” Hutch frowned at that comment, and Starsky went on, “Well, some of your female friends made some comments about the way you treated them…And they surely were very pleased with that, and regretted that the relationship didn’t go on.”

 

“Can’t do anything about that…Now I have one specific goal for the rest of my life.”

 

“Which is…?” Starsky asked mischievously.

 

“Sharing my life with the only true love that I want… How could I be that blind not to see what you were feeling, and not to realize what I was feeling myself.”

 

“We’ve already wasted too much time. I’m regretting now I didn’t talk to you earlier being afraid of your reaction…I’ve told you I was ready to let you go… Now I see I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did.” Saying this, he kissed Hutch fiercely and started pushing the blond man in the direction of the bed, while undressing anxiously.

 

This time, though the same passion and desire than before, were guiding them, they could last longer in their lovemaking. They could enjoy better the contact of their bodies dancing together, the sensations filling their bodies. And they reached the climax at the same time, crying their names loudly, till they were completely exhausted.

 

They drifted off for a while, and when they woke up they made love again. There were so many things they wanted to learn in this new stage of their lives. They were feeling so complete now, that they were more than ready to face anything to come. They knew things weren’t going to be easy if they wanted to go on in the Force, but they were completely sure that there was nothing that could stand between them.

 

Hutch was happier than he’d ever been in his whole life. And he was eager to catch up with the wasted time and do whatever was possible to make Starsky happy.

 

On the other hand, Starsky was in awe knowing his love for the Blintz was corresponded. He was eager to do all in his power to make Hutch happy. And he was eager to forget what it’d be if he’d let Hutch go.

 

A new year was now close and a new life was ahead of them to live with the “Me & Thee” thing stronger than ever.

 

THE END