ANYTHING FOR ME

By CriSHty & SHia

Disclaimer: This is a slash story written just for fun. No profit from it. No infringement of the rights of the authors of the series intended.

The sound of the heart-monitor in a steady rhythm showed the worst had passed.

Few minutes ago, everybody had been rushing in and out of the room, with a code-blue call that made me think everything was over.

Few minutes ago, my heart almost stopped as yours, thinking I was gonna lose you, and you wouldn’t know how much I loved you.

<<Don’t you dare to do this to me again, buddy. I can’t think of losing you. I need to have you around.

I think…no I know you need me too. But I can’t lie to myself. I know that it’s not the same need I feel for you…You need me as your buddy, your pal…I need you as my buddy, my pal…and my love.>>

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

It’s been almost a year since Gunther’s shooting. Amazingly Starsky was almost the same as before the attempt on his life. His stubbornness and willingness to get back on his feet and to work again plus the loyalty and love from Blondie, made the miracle come true. They had still a lot of work to do and they didn’t know for sure if Starsky would be back on the streets, but at least they could keep their partnership as cops.

The guys were together at last again, though on desk work, but yet as if nothing had happened…Almost…Because deep inside both of them things have changed. The bond that had always been there, was now tighter than ever.

Since the shooting Hutch had barely left Starsky’s side just to get Gunther. But from the moment he put him in jail, there was no time of day that you wouldn’t find Hutch away more than what he needed to get something to eat or to use the bathroom. They were together all the time in the hospital and after that at Starsky’s apartment. Hutch was the only one to take care of his friend, he didn’t trust anybody else for that matter. And Starsky himself, didn’t feel as safe as in Hutch’s hands to take care of him.

Now that everything seemed to be normal again, it was difficult for both of them to take their separate roads again and go back to live in their own apartments, and resume some kind of personal life like they used to have.

“Hey, Hutch” called Starsky coming into the kitchen with the groceries he’d just brought. “You won’t believe whom I met at the store”, he added beaming.

Hutch turned to face him from the counter where he’d been cutting some vegetables for dinner. “The President of the US decided to go to the supermarket you happened to be at…”, he teased.

“You dummy” groaned Starsky leaving the bags on the table. “Remember those beautiful therapists that were so kind and caring during my recovery…???”, asked him wiggling his eyebrows and indicating well-shaped bodies with his hands.

“You mean Tracy and Eve?”, asked Hutch.

“Good memory, Blondie!! Eve really knocked you out…or was it Tracy”, he added frowning not really sure which one had been.

“Don’t tell me you talked them into a date…”, said Hutch disappointed. He really didn’t feel the need for a sticky girl crawling over him. Not that he hadn’t feel the need for some sex lately, but he could manage as he’d been doing. <<Is that what you need, buddy? A well-shaped female body touching you everywhere, that could make you feel as a man?>> he thought. Watching the expression on Starsky’s face he knew that was it. “Oh come on, Starsky. You can’t be serious…How long it’s been since…?”

“That’s it, partner. It’s been way too long since we had some fun…”, Starsky wiggled his eyebrows mischievously.

“I’m disappointed, you didn’t have fun with me lately?”, Hutch teased.

“Come on, Blondie, you know what I mean…Or you’ve had some good laid that I don’t know of”.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Starsk. When would I be with any one else, if I’m with you all the time!”

“Hmmm, I got it…You have her hidden in the closet now that I came from the grocery”, Starsky went on making Hutch crazy.

“OK, I give up…You discovered my secret”, Hutch grinned broadly, giving up to what his demon had in mind for the evening to come.

Suddenly, Starsky turned serious, and spoke shyly. "Hutch...you’ve been by my side all the time, and this is worrying me...You need to have some fun, to go back to a normal life...To have everything that I took from you in these last months..."

"I never complained about it… And my needs... I-I’ve managed very well... don’t worry about that. Just seeing you working again is the biggest reward and joy that I can have, besides... you do give me enough fun." Hutch blushed a little after this, and turned his attention to the vegetables again.

"You mean that... you’ve managed... alone?"

"Starsk... what are you talking about? Could you please let my sexual life in peace, ok? What I do or whatever the needs I have, they don’t have to be the focus of our chats... " Hutch was embarrassed and upset.

"It’s just… I’m worried about you, and I don’t see anything wrong in wanting to see my best friend happy.” Now, Starsky seemed annoyed with the apparent uneasiness of his friend.

"OK... I’m happy as I am right now. I don’t need any consulting to help my personal life. Let’s drop the subject, please?" He seemed exasperated.

"Ok..." Starsky answered in a low voice and started to arrange the purchases in silence.

Hutch touched lightly Starsky’s arm. "I’m sorry, Starsk... it’s just that you don’t have to worry about me. I’m pretty well. Happy…Everything is coming back to normal. Let’s not look for problems that don’t exist?" he added smiling sweetly.

"OK. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be indiscreet. I-I don’t know what gave in me...." Starsky didn’t look at his friend’s eyes. His feelings were confused. After all, why was he asking that to Hutch? Why was he so worried if Hutch was alone or not... why…if he really didn’t want to see Hutch with anybody else than himself... yet he was trying to talk him into a date?

“You didn’t answer my question, yet, Starsk. Have you invited them?”, asked Hutch giving up.

“Well, I told them we’d call them to arrange something…I really thought you’d be glad to meet with them, at least just once in a while”, Starsky explained sadly.

“Ok, then, just not to be unkind with the ladies and to take care of what seems to be your need for some fun with ladies, I agree to go out with them”, Hutch accepted grinning, feeling disappointed inside.

So each one thinking the other was the one who wanted the company of a well-shaped lady, agreed on making a foursome for that night.

Everything went right and they really enjoyed the company. Eve and Tracy were nice and intelligent girls who liked to talk and not just some silly female just to have sex with. Being with them, dancing very close to them was really exciting too and the guys were feeling aroused. So as many times before, they decided to take separate ways after they left the pub. The girls were in Eve’s car, so there was no problem to split. Starsky took Tracy in the Torino to his apartment and Hutch went with Eve to her apartment. He didn’t want to go to Venice since he hadn’t been there lately, and he didn’t think it was tidy enough for visits.

When Hutch and Eve arrived to her apartment everything seemed right. They had been flirting all night long, and Hutch felt his body seemed to need some more action than what he’d thought. They sat on the couch after pouring 2 glasses of whisky. They had taken only one sip, when their hands were roaming over their clothes getting rid of them very anxiously. Their hungry kisses accompanied the caresses and the room was filled with moans and groans from both of them. Eve went down on him and began his job with his manhood.

“Hmmm…you surely know what to do with your hands…” moaned Hutch.

“It was something I’ve wanted to do since we met at the hospital…”, she purred and took him in her mouth. The only mention of the hospital was enough to turn Hutch off and Eve noticed it. She straightened up and looked into his eyes. “Come on, Ken. I didn’t want to upset you bringing bad memories to your mind. You see Dave is healthy again, there’s nothing to worry about”, she said and caressed his face.

“I-I’m sorry, honey…it’s just that it’s been a very hard and long road”.

“I know, but try to focus on here and now, ok?”, she added kissing him passionately.

It wasn’t that easy to get hot again, but Hutch had to recognize that she was doing a good job and he didn’t want to disappoint her. So trying to leave his worries aside, he concentrated on having a little fun. In few minutes they were aroused again and though it wasn’t a very long performance, it was acceptable. At least this was the way Hutch felt in the afterglow. Eve seemed pleased resting now in his arms, and he was at peace. He drifted off for a while and then he decided it was time to leave, he surely didn’t want to spend the night with her.

“Are you leaving, Ken?”, asked Eve surprised realizing he was getting dressed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you”, he leaned toward her and kissed her forehead.

“I thought…You didn’t enjoy it, right?”, she asked sadly.

“It’s not you, honey. It’s…I’m a little out of practice and I’m not feeling like giving you a night as you deserve. It was nice being with you and getting to know each other more intimately, at last”, he said grinning lovingly. “But as I was saying, you deserve much more and…just want you to keep good memories of this evening”.

“You mean, I won’t see you again?”, she sat on the bed, and the sheets fell down, exposing her nice body. “I thought you liked me.”

“Eve, please, it has nothing to do with you. You’re great and I really had a good time being with you, and I’m not referring just to have sex”, he said kissing her sweetly on the lips. “It’s just me…I’m not in the mood for any relationship right now…Maybe in the future.” He said these last words just not to upset her, but he really didn’t think he could be able to get into any relationship with any woman ever.

With this Eve seemed more pleased. Then they kissed good-bye more passionately and she watched him leaving from her bed. She rolled to her side and drifted off to sleep, dreaming with this blond man that had made her feel really good.

* * * * * * * * * * *

In Starsky’s apartment things were more or less the same. They’d arrived soon after they left the pub as it was near his place. Tracy was attracted immediately with the ship models Starsky had on his bookshelf. He went to the kitchen and poured 2 glasses of wine and went back to the living room to find her bending over the table where he’d left one of the models he was working on. The image of her body in that position was really something, and he grinned to himself mischievously. He realized he was a little nervous with the situation. Though Tracy had been very nice during his recovery, and they had enjoyed some fondling during the little time they could have in private, this was the first time they were really alone, and he expected this could really be his time to go back to real sex with a woman.

He then got near her and stood behind her. “D’you like it?”, he asked, making her jump in surprise.

“Hey, I didn’t hear you coming…”, she smiled turning toward him. Their bodies were barely touching though the heat emanating from them was palpable. “You have lots of things I like,” she said seductively. Noticing his gaze burning on her, she added, “I mean, it’s a great collection of ships.” She then slid from her prison between him and the table and headed for the couch.

<<Seems it’s gonna be your night, Starsky>>, he thought going to her side and sat beside her on the couch. He then gave her one of the glasses of wine. They remained silent for a while, just their eyes talking. Tracy felt a little nervous too. She really liked him, and after having the possibility of some stolen kisses and some caresses during therapy, she was eager to know this incredible man a little better. Starsky was a little concerned about his scars. He was aware that Tracy knew everything about the shooting and, during the therapy, it’d been necessary to be bare-chested to do the exercises to his upper body. But…the ghost of a perfect body was still present….. <<she likes you as you are, dummy>>.

Starsky’s eyes were examining her, then suddenly he bent toward her and kissed her sweetly. He then backed just a little to look into her eyes again, and he saw she was ready and waiting for him. He took the glass of her hand and left both on the coffee table and took her in his arms holding her tight, kissing her hungrily. In no time the clothes were gone and their bodies were entwined on his bed enjoying each caress, each kiss so long expected and finally joining in a very passionate climax.

While they were resting, and she was sleeping with her head on his chest, Starsky felt satisfied. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to go back to a normal life in what was related to women. He felt unsure, and all the time with Hutch alone with no other company than themselves had made him think maybe he’d never could be with a woman again. But now he felt good and more confident of himself. He hoped Hutch had had such a great evening as he did.

Eve seemed to like Hutch, and though his Blond Blintz had been a little reluctant at the beginning with the idea of a date, at last he’d seemed at ease in the pub and that he was having a good time with her. <<Hope you could fulfill your needs, Blondie. I know you didn’t want to do it afraid I could feel bad cause I couldn’t be with a girl too. But now, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m alright and we can go back to women too>> he told to himself, though deep inside he didn’t feel very comfortable with the idea of Hutch being with a woman in bed. <<Ufff, we need more practice in this matter again. Why would I be upset if Hutch is spending some good time with a lady? Isn’t that what we’re suppose to do? Starsky, try to get your mind on the right road again…You can’t have this kind of experience with your male partner, dummy. It was great having him around during your long recovery, but what do you think he’d say if you asked him to have something more intimate with him?>> He shook his head leaving those thoughts aside and tried to go to sleep.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Hutch went directly to Venice Place. He knew he couldn’t go back to Starsky’s place. He hadn’t been in the mood to spend the whole night with Eve, but that didn’t mean Starsky would feel the same. So, once inside his apartment, he took a beer from the fridge and went to the bathroom to take a shower. Under the hot water he relaxed thinking about the events of the night. <<Well, it hadn’t gone that bad with Eve. I enjoyed her company, and it wasn’t that bad to be with her. As I told her, she knows what to do to please a man.>> He told to himself. <<Starsky, I really hope this went fine for you too. I know you had lots of expectations on this date. Hope from now on you can go back to your life with the ladies too, though you’d have to forgive me if I don’t accompany you in that. I’ll do anything to make you feel good, but I’m sure I don’t want to go to bed with another woman or anybody else. I know I won’t be able to ever tell you my true feelings for you. There’s no way I could risk our friendship telling you that. But I know I wouldn’t feel good having a woman by my side just for appearances either. I’ll manage as best as I can in order to make you happy and not to worry about my personal life any more.>> He finished with his mind ramblings as the water was getting cold. He dried off and went to bed trying to avoid thinking of Starsky and Tracy together. After tossing from one side to the other, he finally fell asleep.

Next day, was a bright Sunday. No dates at all. A silent agreement between the guys have sealed this quiet Sunday just for them. Hutch arrived at Starsky’s place by 11:00am. Cautiously, he entered the living room, trying to listen any other strange sound from the bedroom. The door was open. Starsky was alone. Dressed, but alone and asleep. Suddenly a thought crossed Hutch’s mind. <<the night wasn’t good buddy…what you feared most happened?>>

“Come in Hutch…I’m only with my eyes shut”

“The night was good hmmm…? You look kind of tired…..For a moment, I thought that something had gone wrong….”

“If you are talking about Tracy…it was terrific…. But she had a special patient today, early in the morning, so I gave her a ride…What about your night…was it good too?”

“Eve is an adorable lady. We had enough fun” <<not exactly that I wanted it>>

“Good…I’m very happy for you. I was really worried about you.” <<liar…you are jealous>>

“It was a great night on the pub, wasn’t it? <<no comments about Tracy at all, buddy?>>

Starsky put his legs on the floor, dreaming about how pleasant a cup of good hot coffee would be… “Yeah… maybe too much noise…I’m not accustomed to it anymore, I guess… Want some coffee?” he headed for the kitchen.

“Good idea….” Hutch went to sit on the couch.

“What are your plans for today, Blondie?”

“A quiet walk on the beach?…”

“It seems great” Starsky smiled his genuine smile and sat beside Hutch putting a cup of coffee in his hands. “I think that after lunch I’ll take a nap. Another thing that I am not used to anymore…being awake all night long….” He said smiling fondly. “Hutch…I felt great last night. Looking at you…so relaxed and having fun…We deserve a normal life buddy…I guess…”

Starsky’s hair was a little wild and his eyes were dark. Exactly with the color that Hutch was addicted to. So much love, joy, fun and friendship in those beautiful eyes…. << I can lose myself in those eyes of yours buddy….>> Hutch thought watching his friend.

They had lunch and Starsky took a short nap before going out as planned. During the walk, Starsky was awfully quiet. Even for his new mood post-Gunther, Starsky was still an energetic person, a joker, with a joy for life and everything related to it. But, in many ways that only Hutch could notice, he had changed. More thoughtful maybe…, more introspective maybe…, but definitely there was a change. Not that Hutch didn’t like those changes. Actually, it seemed that this new Starsky was each day much closer to him. But something was upsetting him, something that Hutch couldn’t point it but just feel it.

“Are you in pain Starsk?”

“No…why?”

“I don’t know…you didn’t say a word in the last ten minutes. If you want, we can stop to rest a little and sit there near the sea.”

“No… I’m ok. I’m just flying away…I guess….”

“So…where are you?” <<thinking about Tracy buddy?>>

“Just here…I was thinking of you” Starsky smiled shyly, but kept his searching-soul eyes on Hutch. <<Any reaction buddy?>>

“Me? After all these years you still waste your precious time thinking of me? << Jesus…you are thinking of me…>>

“Yeah…you’re right…time is precious….that’s the problem…Sometimes… I think that I’ve lost enough time thinking about the wrong persons, the wrong feelings, the wrong places…”

“Whoever you are…just get out of this body…this body is not yours…give me back my friend Starsky!!!!” Hutch joked and smiled.

“I’m serious dummy! Why you never get me seriously?”

“Oh…I’m sorry buddy. I know what you’re trying to say….” <<Maybe you feel that you must think of me, just me, from now one…>>

“You’ve never felt that you’ve lost your time…precious time as you said, and now you don’t know how to get it back? Or worst…how to use the time that you still have?”

“Sometimes…this is normal…you don’t need to feel so anxious about it. “

“I’m not anxious about it…I’m nervous about it. Scared about it” Starsky’s voice waved a little.

“Why scared? Just live, just use your time as you want. What’s the problem?” Hutch was concerned now.

“Never mind… I’m over-reacting about my feelings. You know…sometimes it seems that Gunther’s bullets affected my brain too.” <<Let’s just drop it…please>>

“Don’t talk like that. If something is worrying you, you have to talk about it. This is one of the most important things that the shrink told you, remember?”

“How can I forget it… “ <<This guy drove me crazy with this talks…>>

“What exactly, are you scared about?”

“When do you intend to move to your apartment Hutch?”

“Excuse me?… That’s why you’re feeling scared?” Hutch was genuinely confused at the moment.

“Don’t answer my question with another question, ok?

“And you don’t try to push me out of this conversation, I know you very well. You’re worried about me leaving your apartment! Worried about it because you want it, or because you don’t?”

“I don’t want it…I mean…I thought that you wanted it… well…I don’t know who wanted it….”

“Starsky…you’re not making any sense at all. What are you saying anyway?”

“I know that you’ve been living in my apartment for more than a year now, so I thought I wanted you to leave, but then again, I realized I didn’t. And then I thought that you could want to leave to live in your own place… Oh, I don’t understand it…It should be so easy to go back to live in our own apartments again…Anyone would think that…But we don’t …ah…Just forget it” <<Please I’m so confused.>>

“Jesus, Starsk! …Your brain must be in short circuit…. You didn’t say anything that made any sense in the last 3 minutes” << Am I understanding what I’m understanding? You’re scared of losing me?>>

“I want to go home.” Starsky turned around and headed home fuming like a stubborn kid. Hutch watched him go away, giving him some space to clear his mind. But then he followed suit his partner.

As soon as Starsky arrived home, he went to take a shower. He was very upset with himself. He took off the clothes and let the hot water make its work. But the image of Hutch was clear in his mind and despite his best efforts to clear this images, his body was obviously out of control. He felt a hard on. He was aroused in seconds. <<What’s happening here…I can’t be so hot like this thinking about my partner…>> Defeated with his desire, Starsky decided to release the tension and he made a good work. In seconds, the wall was the testimony of it... By the end, his legs were like rubber and he tried to stay on his feet, holding firmly against the wall. Still gasping, he quickly washed himself and the wall.

Hutch entered the apartment, thinking he would find a very upset and confused Starsky to deal with, but he heard the shower, he went to the kitchen to prepare a light meal. He opened the refrigerator, and he smiled amused acknowledging that since he was living there, Starsk’s refrigerator was always full of lettuces and fruits. <<What a change of food habits …buddy>>. He was almost done preparing a delicious salad, when he smelled the equal delicious fragrance of Starsky’s cologne. Starsky heard the movements in his kitchen. <<Hutch is here…>> he thought, and put on a pair of sweatpants. When he was almost by the doorframe of his bedroom, he stopped and went to his closet. He picked up a red t-shirt.

Hutch looked at his friend, smelling good like hell and with his curly hair wet. <<You are really something Starsk…Maybe I’m being too obvious>> But one thing caught Hutch’s attention. <<Again with a t-shirt in front of me? Why? I know that you have those damn scars…I don’t care… Why are you suddenly so worried about it?>>

Starsky remained in silence, but started to help Hutch, putting the dishes on the table.

“I prepared a salad for us. But I’ll take a shower first. If you’re hungry…please suit yourself.”

“No…I’ll wait for you…” <<Always…>>

“Ok… I’ll be right back.”

In a couple of minutes Hutch was in the kitchen again. Wearing only his boxers. “Let’s eat. I’m hungry!!! Never thought that I’d say this…This is your line Starsk!!!!”

“I think that I changed in this way too”

“What??? About getting hungry? It’s just today…you’re not yourself, anyway.”

“I’m sorry for all the show in the beach, ok?”

“It’s ok…you only have to know that if you feel scared or whatever, talking always helps. If not with me…at least with the shrink. He’ll be always there for you, you know it, don’t you?”

“Yeah…but…I’m not exactly scared…. I’m more… confused…and scared….” He smiled shyly.

“Can I asked you something?” Hutch was looking deeply into his friend’s eyes.

“Sure….”

“Why are you wearing this T-shirt?”

“What..?”

“it’s hot today… it’s hot in here… and you’re wearing a t-shirt to be at home alone…it’s just me here… what’s the problem?” <<Maybe I’m pushing you too much?>>

‘I’m cold…I think I’ve caught too much sun today….” <<Can’t you see that things changed?>>

“I’ll accept that shit by now…because I’m really tired of your mind games for today.”

Silence filled the room until the end of the lunch. Starsky busied himself washing the dishes while Hutch tool care of his plants that were all over Starsky’s place. Each one lost in his own reveries.

<<What do you want Hutch? That I tell you I’m having erotic dreams about you?…That I did a great performance in my shower to release my sexual tension because of you? That I’m wearing t-shirts in my own house, sweating like hell just because I’m ashamed of my body?…Because I used to be perfect, handsome and now I’m not anymore.??? That I hate it?>>

<<There’s something wrong here, Starsk. All this talk about lost of time…thinking about the wrong persons, the wrong feelings…. Who are the wrong persons? Teri, Kira? Or the silly girls you dated? Why wrong feelings? The same wrong feelings that I have for you? Is it really so wrong? Do you want me to leave you alone?….ok…I’ll do it. I don’t want to see you unhappy, confused or scared. I’ll do everything on my power to give you happiness, even if it means that I need to let you go of me.>>

* * * * * * * * * * *

Starsky needed to do something… He needed to force Hutch to go away… He took the phone and dialed Tracy’s number. He asked her to have dinner at night.

“Oh…sorry David…I’d love it, but I promised Eve to go with her to visit her mother. She is sick…You know… they don’t have the best relation of all…and Eve always felt more comfortable with me by her side… You understand, don’t you?”

“Oh…yeah… ok….” <<Damn it!!>> “Ehhh, see you then, sweetheart.” And he hung up.

“Starsky… I’ll go home. You could rest for a while…You seem a little strained to me….Tracy’ll need you in your best shape….” Hutch said with a sad smile.

“Yeah…maybe I need some rest….” <<Go away….let me alone…I must put an end to all this madness>>

“Ok…I’ll sleep in my apartment tonight… Actually, sooner or later, I have to move back to my apartment, right? That’s what we were talking about.” <<How I want that your answer was no….>>

“Yeah...I guess so….” << No…I don’t want it. But I don’t understand why. I don’t understand my feelings for you anymore…>>

“Ok…I’ll put on something decent. Monday morning I’ll be here. Don’t be late.” Hutch ran to the bedroom and put on some clothes. In minutes he was on his way to his apartment.

Starsky laid down on the sofa and turned on the TV. His thoughts were anywhere but not in the Baseball game, definitely.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

As soon as Hutch arrived to Venice, he sat on the couch and turned on the TV. He soon drifted off to sleep. Suddenly he woke up by the phone. It was Eve.

“Hi Hutch!! I called you at Starsky’s place. He told me you weren’t there, but he didn’t know where I could find you. Lucky me I tried your apartment!”

“Hi Eve…Yeah...Starsky’ll need some privacy today…”

“Oh...I see…. Well.. I’d love to be with you again Ken… It was great last night…”

“It sure was, honey…ah…Eve…I…well tonight…” He didn’t have time to find out how he could make Eve understand that he wasn’t interested in dating her anymore.

“Today? I’m sorry…I can’t. I’ll go visit my mom. She’s sick, you know….”

“Today? But… Ehh, Is Tracy going with you?” <<You lied to me Starsky…>>

“Tracy….yeah…how do you know that??? What a detective you are!” She laughed.

“No…I just guess…you are so closed…” << You lied…why?>>

“Well…then today’ll be impossible…but tomorrow…How about tomorrow, Ken?” No answer. “Ken…?” the silence in the line made Eve thought that the line was cut. “Ken, are you still there?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry….Eve…I have to go now. Bye.” He hung up the phone and got his keys. <<Starsky…we’ll have to talk and now>>

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Starsky noticed that someone was opening his door. He just stretched out his neck over the sofa and could see Hutch opening the door with the spare key.

Hutch stopped in the middle of the living room, his face showing his mood wasn’t good. “What are you doing still here in this sofa??? You’re supposed to have a date, aren’t you?”

“Tracy cancelled. And you…what are YOU doing here? Thought you were going out with Eve" he said casually.

“I’ve just received a phone call….Casually, it was Eve telling me that she’s going to visit her mother today…with her friend Tracy? The same that you made me believe you were having a date with tonight?”

Starsky , who was lying on the sofa, arose and sat in the corner of the sofa. “That’s why she cancelled our da….”

“Stop it!!!!” Starsky looked startled by Hutch shout.

“Since when do you lie to me? Since when do you create this damn lies. You talked to Tracy. She told you that she couldn’t have a date today, but you made me believe that she’d accepted your invitation…If you don’t want my company buddy, just say it. I am perfectly capable to understand it. But lying? What’s happening here? What’s happening with you Starsk….”

“I’m sorry….I didn’t mean it…”

“You meant it! You lied!”

“Ok…I lied. I didn't want to stop you from going out and have some fun. Maybe if you couldn’t meet Eve, then you could've look for some other chick...I don't know".

"Bull shit...What's the matter with you, Starsk? You've been acting strange lately...Besides, your fears, what you mentioned this morning...What's bothering you?" Hutch pushed a little.

"I took away your life from you, Blondie. Since the shooting, you've been by my side day-in and day-out..."

“We talked about this already. I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't change any minute of the last year being with you and helping you getting back on your feet. This isn't about me, buddy. This is about you..." <<Why are you trying to get rid of me? Am I that obvious that you feel uncomfortable with me?>> “Starsk….what’s happening here? Since when David Starsky lied to Kenneth Hutchinson?” Hutch turned around and sat by Starsky’s side on the couch.

Starsky was so embarrassed that he kept his head low. “I said that I was confused and …. “

“What kind of confusion? Talk to me Starsk…maybe I could help you.”

"I...", Starsky couldn't say anything else to push Hutch away from him. <<How can I tell you that I don't want you by my side 'cause I'm afraid I may attack you in order to make my dreams come true?>>

"Starsk, you know you can tell me anything.”

Starsky remained silent for a couple of minutes that, for Hutch seemed an eternity. When Hutch was giving up and thinking of another tactic to use with his friend, Starsky, with the lowest voice possible, almost a whisper started to speak again.

“Hutch… when I got shot, my life was made of doctors, nurses, medications, pain, needles, IV’s, and things like that. Sometimes…I thought that it’d be better to stay in a coma forever…so I’d never have to look to strange people, that were taking care of me at the moment. I hated those days. When I got better and you started taking care of me…even in the hospital… I felt so much better. It seemed so natural... You fed me, bathe me, read to me, watched TV with me, talked to me. When I had nightmares and woke up in the middle of the night… I looked at you sleeping in the chair and I felt so warmed…so loved… I thought, maybe it was worth all that pain… When I was discharged from the hospital, with a lot of interrogations about my future, still in pain, but with a little of dignity recovered, I felt so… good. Then the nightmares started to be mixed with dreams, good dreams… After that…I was up to desk work. And with the physical therapy, I was better and better each day. But…those dreams… they never stopped…” Starsky stopped.

“What kind of dreams, Starsky?” Suddenly, all the range of anger that Hutch had been feeling, disappeared.

“I… dreamt with you…”

“Me?”

“You…and I couldn’t understand it. I’ve never felt nothing like this…”

Hutch, gently lifted Starsky’s chin and asked. “Like what..?”

“Attraction….sexual attraction…” Starsky lowered his head again and if it was possible, he had disintegrated in this sofa.

“Are you saying that you’re having dreams, with sexual content and the dreams are with me, right? And this is what’s upsetting you.” << Oh God…if you just knew Starsk….>>

Starsky remained silent. Ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, lost….

“Starsk…are you afraid that I could be shocked or something with this?” Starsky stood up and started walking in circles.

“Hutch…did you hear a single word that I said? I said that I’M having erotic dreams with YOU! Actually, I had a terrific performance in the shower today…“

“Starsk…calm down and sit here. Let’s talk like adults. We’re adults Starsk, not teenagers afraid of our hormones.” Starsky sat on the table, in front of the sofa. Incapable to look into Hutch’s eyes.

“Starsk… I noticed that something real strange was happening. Not something bad, but something different. All the hell that you went trough… that kind of experience could change a man. ”

Starsky lifted his head in complete disbelief…. “Are you saying that I’m gay now?”

“Come on…Starsk…I’m serious here….of course not!”

Suddenly, everything sunk into Starsky. “Hutch…you think of me in the same way, don’t you?”

Hutch, took a hold of Starsky’s hand…. “Yeah… I’ve been thinking of you in a different way too… and for a long time now….” << That’s it…now what?>>

Starsky freed his hand from Hutch. “But you have a date with Eve and you said that it was good…”

“And it was… but all the time, I wasn’t really there. I was thinking of you and Tracy. And if this will help you…I have hot dreams with you too. Made a lot of lonely performances too. And I’m not ashamed of that.”

“NO… this can’t be happening…” He was walking in circles again. “This is crazy… I’m your partner…we’ve known each other for years…. We loved so many women…”

“Did you really love any of them?

“What are you talking about? I’ll go out with Tracy again. Maybe tomorrow…And…and I’ll have a good time with her.” << I can’t love you…this is craziness….>>

“Probably… and if this makes you more comfortable, ignore your feelings Starsk…but remember… we can’t do this for a long time…. I know that, because I tried to do this and God knows … I suffered like hell…..”

“Get out of here!”

“What?”

“I said get out of here!!!”

Hutch stood up and saying nothing, he left, closing the door behind him. << if this is your wish…I’ll go away from you. I love you that much.>>

Neither Starsky nor Hutch had a good night sleep. Both stayed at home, wondering all night about the discussion and the implications of that. The next day, Starsky had to stay in court during all morning and after lunch, he asked Dobey to leave saying he was sick. The captain was suspicious about this sudden health problem, and because of the subdue mood of Hutch, he was pretty sure that something was wrong, but he agreed nevertheless.

At night, Starsky went to a movie with Tracy, while Eve called Hutch again. But Hutch excused himself, saying he wasn’t feeling well and he was going to bed early.

The movie was great and the dinner wasn’t that bad. Tracy was explicit with her desire to finish the night in Starsky’s apartment. Tracy was a hot girl, and it was clear that Starsky was THE MAN to her. But something in Starsky’s mood was different, and she noticed it.

“Hey David…you seems so far away from here…Is there anything wrong?”

“No...I’m sorry, honey…I had a bad day at work. Spent almost all the day in court, and you know how boring and stressing it is….”

“But I have my way to put aside all the stress… How about we go to your bed… and get more comfortable..." Her eyes were full of desire and she’d do anything to be with this man tonight.

“Oh...yeah…maybe all I need is a good massage…“

In minutes Tracy was in Starsky’s bed doing a magnificent massage. He was almost asleep when she asked him to change the position and to take a good look on her…. Starsky laid on his back and Tracy started a performance. She started to dance with her perfect body and very slowly she started to take off her clothes. Although all her efforts, she noticed that David, who normally was in fire in minutes, this time he seemed almost upset with her performance.

“David…Are you even paying attention to me? Just in case that you haven’t noticed…I am here!!!”

“Tracy…come here honey…I’m really tired today. Maybe it’s better we leave this kind of things to another night.“ Tracy cuddled her naked body in Starsky’s arms immediately.

“David… is it something I did or said?”

“No…It’s me, honey…I’m sorry… you’re perfect…. Any man in this world would be pleased to be with you…. You’re great Tracy!” He kissed her gently. But there was no passion in that kiss, and Tracy noticed it. She decided to just relax and feel the warm and the good smell of David. <<Come on Tracy…you’re in the arms of this Apollo, and what are you complaining about it? The man’s tired, that’s all…>> Eventually, both fell asleep.

In the morning, Starsky was preparing some coffee when Tracy emerged from the bedroom. She was really something. <<Jesus, Starsky…and you let this girl down last night>>

“Good morning sweetheart” Starsky gave her his best smile.

“Good morning David… Are you better today?” she asked very concerned.

“Yeah…I guess…I think that all I needed was a good night sleep…” He was very embarrassed .

“Well…I’m very happy that you feel better now…. Maybe we can get together again this week… I swear that I’ll do a new kind of massage that I’ve learned… you’ll love it!”

“Yeah…I’m sure I will, honey… and sorry about yesterday…”

“Oh…it’s ok, David….your work is very stressing. Sometimes I wondered where you get such energy from…” She laughed a little nervous. “Well…now I have to go. I have my patients waiting for my therapy. Unfortunately, no one is so handsome and charming as a certain David Michael Starsky. But this patient is in a very good health, and I thank God for it! “ She smiled sweetly.

Starsky hold her tight. She was a very good professional and was vital to his recovery. She was so gentle and tender. She never looked at his scars with a disgusting look. She was very important to him during all the process of his recovery. “Thanks Tracy. You’re a very special girl.”

“And you’re a very special man. One day…I’ll steal your heart!! Now I have to go” She ran from his arms and let only her perfume in the air.

<<Now Starsky… where are you going to run from Hutch?>>

The rest of the week passed very slowly. Starsky made everything in his power to avoid Hutch. He even asked Dobey to work with Minnie in some old records. Hutch noticed it, and accepted to work with a temporary partner, helping to finish a difficult drug dealer case.

The weekend finally arrived. And the next Monday, Starsky would have a Medical appointment. Maybe he’d finally be approved to work on the streets again. Dobey noticed that this moment so wanted by the two detectives, seemed to be a problem now. But, he decided to ignore all the signs. It was a very moving moment for everybody in the precinct and he didn’t want to make a wrong move.

Tracy had called Starsky asking him to have a romantic weekend in a cabin in the woods. But, Starsky alleged that he needed to be concentrated on the next Monday and his physical exam, and declined the invitation. Eve, on her side, had no success with Hutch either.

Starsky left the precinct and went to The Pits. It was Friday night, so the place was full. He drank some beers, talked with Huggy, and soon he said his goodbye. He parked his Torino and entered his apartment. He felt strangely lonely that night. And very uncomfortable with his behavior during all the week. He knew that he wasn’t being fair with Hutch, and that his behavior was nothing but childish. << Grow up Starsky…how can you treat someone like him in such a way…>>

He decided to take a shower. Unconsciously, he chose to wear the shirt that Hutch always said that he liked and one of his several tight jeans. After looking in the mirror and feeling satisfied, he ran to Hutch’s apartment. He had to put a end on this. If they’d start a new life on Monday, go back to the normal life, they’d need to deal today with everything that was interfering in their relationship.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Starsky parked the Torino and saw that the apartment was almost in shadows. When he was about to knock at the door, he heard Hutch’s sweet voice. Starsky decided to try the knob and the door was open. He entered silently and saw Hutch in his greenhouse, in the dark, with his guitar.

Starsky stayed quietly listening.

When Hutch finished the song, he remained in silence, but something in the air… <<Starsky’s perfume?>> made him look to the living room.

Starsky talked first. “As always…beautiful…”

Hutch stayed in silence for some minutes, just looking at him, mesmerized by how charming and sexy Starsky could be. “D’you like it?” There was fear and hope in his voice.

“Yeah…very….I heard this song before… in the hospital?” << It’s for me, isn’t it? You’re thinking of me…>>

“Yeah… when you were there and all I could do was wait and see the time go by…sometimes I sang this song… It seemed to ease your pain… and calm down my heart…” Hutch smiled shyly. “What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to be miles away from me? “ It wasn’t a complain, just a statement.

“Yeah….I’m sorry Hutch…. I treated you all week like shit… I’m sorry… I acted like a coward…”

Hutch walked to the living room and Starsky could see how handsome he was. All in black. He recognized the jogging that he had given to Hutch in the last Christmas. His hair was wet from a recent shower and he smelled so good.

“Really..?? Do you think so…?”

“You don’t need to be sarcastic. Being here, it’s very hard for me already.” Starsky attacked.

“What d’you want here, Starsk…? To apologize? Well, apologizes accepted. Now, go back to Tracy…Go back to your safe life.” Hutch words were dry and aggressive.

“I don’t want to go back to my safe life….because it’s not a safe life anymore…and Tracy…she’s history. I can’t be with her thinking of you and everything that happened in the last weekend. I’m …so confused with what you said to me… Hutch…I need your help to understand all this … I’m lost…. I was thinking and I realized that next Monday, will be one of the most important day’s of my life and I can’t go on with this madness…I’ll have the second chance that I so desperately wanted and fought for, and I’m screwing up everything with my ridiculous behavior.” Starsky’s voice was cracking and he was fighting to regain control of his emotions.

“Everything’ll be ok. You’ll be approved and we’ll be back on the streets. I’m sure about that.” Hutch’s smile was sweet and very moving. << Oh Lord….you’ll be on the streets again….you wanted it so badly…GOD…take care of him…I’m not sure that I can do it by myself, anymore….>>

“Hutch…. there’s something that I need to tell you. I know that you want me back on the streets, but… everything that happened this week…” he sighed. “We need to talk about it, because I don’t know how to face it.”

“Nothing’ll change between us, except if you want it. I said all that I had to say. But we don’t need to bring this to the streets. To our partnership. And if you want, I can even ask Dobey for a transfer.”

“NO!!!…Don’t do that!! We can deal with it…Face it together! “ << If you leave me…I’m…>>

“How do you really feel about coming back to the streets, after everything we talked?”

“I think that you’re confused Hutch. What you feel about me, it’s not …attraction…it’s pity”

Hutch’s eyes turned cold, and he straightened on the couch, putting his guitar on the floor. “What did you say?”

“Oh…come on Hutch…everybody feels pity of me. My family, our friends, our fellow cops and you too.” Starsky was nervous and started to walk in circles. As Hutch remained in silence looking expectantly to his friend. “Everybody looks at me and think… oh poor Starsky…such a cop and now his career is dead.”

“Are you crazy? How you dare to say such a bullshit? I know what I feel. And I’ve never felt pity of you. There’s no one in this world who I respect and admire the most. Maybe you are with self pity, that’s the problem!”

“Oh…’Mr. I know everything’….what d’you know about self pity? Hum… Who fought like hell to pick up the pieces? Who suffered the excruciating pain? Who’s looking everyday at the mirror and gets back the image of a monster?…Ehhh? But I’m still here. I made all the physical therapy and I’ll be approved in this damn test!. ”

“I’m absolutely sure you will…. So, besides pity, what is supposed to be my problem? What d’you think is making me so confused about my feelings…?”

“The problem is… you spent all the time with me in the hospital, then in my apartment...So…you stopped living your life… you had no time to have fun with the girls…“

“No…that’s not true…during the hospital time…that’s right…I lived only to see you breathing again… and after catching Gunther, I stopped everything in my life to stay with you all the time. But now… I have time to do anything I want! But, what I want, my choice, is to stay with you. I didn’t care about having fun with a girl before, and neither do now. In that moment, I’ve had all the fun I needed with you. Is it so difficult for you to understand or accept it? Is it so scaring? Is it so disgusting?”

“No… it’s not disgusting… no… there’s nothing disgusting about you…” Starsky’s eyes were pure love and affection. “Can’t you see?…We’re all mixed up… everything that happened changed everything in our lives. And it made us lose the focus… the perspective…” Starsky was desperate.

“Starsk… stop running from your feelings, please… Do it not for me.., but for you! I know what I’m saying. If you don’t want to be my partner anymore, I’d deal with it. If you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’d deal with it too. I can accept it. I’ll suffer, of course, but I’d accept it. But, don’t run from yourself…. Don’t say things that you don’t feel… Stop creating excuses for what we’re feeling for each other. Don’t pretend to be a David Starsky that you’re not anymore. I’m not the same Kenneth Hutchinson anymore either. When have I started to change? I don’t know. When have you started to change? I don’t know either. But the fact is, we have changed. And I can tell you, Starsk…. I’m not ashamed of loving you. “

“I’m not ashamed either… I always loved you in anyway that was possible…” His voice was full of gentleness. “I...just feel so scared….“ Starsky sat on the couch completely defeated.

“What are you afraid of? Why are you pushing me away from you?”

“I don’t know… afraid of me, maybe. Afraid of my feelings. My reactions…I don’t know…” He rested his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

Hutch didn’t say a word for some time as to give Starsky room to relax. He wasn’t sure of what to do next. Now he was afraid of how Starsky could react if he just did what he wanted the most. <<What would you do if I kissed you, Starsk? Would you run from me? Or you’re gonna accept and even respond to that kiss. For the first time I don’t know what I have to do>>

Starsky opened his eyes again and met Hutch’s gaze fixed on him. “What are you looking at?”

“I like to watch you.” Hutch grinned lovingly at his partner.

Starsky couldn’t resist that, and smiled back shaking his head. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you? I’m the one who always moves by instinct, but this time I can’t go like that.”

“Why?”

“I’ve already told you…I’m scared…I don’t think this behavior is right. I don’t think this sexual attraction is what we really want, and that we’re just mixed up with everything that happened after the shooting.” He lowered his eyes focusing on his clasped hands on his lap.

“Starsky, once more…I’m not confused. I know exactly what I want for myself…for both of us from now on. But if you don’t want to accept it, I’ll give you time. I’ll even leave you alone so you don’t feel oppressed by me and you can concentrate only in your Monday appointment.”

“Hutch…I came today to put an end to the conversation we had last weekend. But now I feel I can’t do it. The only thing I know is that I need you by my side next Monday. I need your back up to confront the Medical Board.” Now Starsky was looking at Hutch with pleading eyes.

“There’s no change in Me & Thee, buddy. You know you can count on me anytime. I just thought you needed some space between the two of us.”

“I thought that myself. But I realized that this past week was really hell being away from you. Can’t we act like this talk has never happened?” Starsky asked shyly, and Hutch just stared at him without a word. “You’re right as always, that’s not possible. We both know one can’t just turn off the mind that easy…But can we at least leave it in stand-by till my medical appointment is over?”

“I won’t press you. I agree on postponing the topic till next Monday night, but no more than that. We need to decide what to do next. And you’re right, you need to concentrate on your appointment.” Hutch said these last words calmly but expressing firmly that Starsky wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy.

“Thanks” said Starsky venturing to rest his hand on Hutch’s knee. <<Why didn’t you touch me? Did I disappoint you with my words?>>

Hutch looked at Starsky’s hand and covered it with his own. <<It feels so good. If you only let me ease your worries, your fears about Monday. I could make you feel so good>>

With this simple gesture Starsky felt his chest close with anxiety. He looked right at Hutch’s eyes and both pair of blue met. Unconsciously Starsky leaned forward and his lips touched Hutch’s. Just a brush of their mouths and they were apart again.

"What was that for?” asked Hutch surprised.

“I felt the need. I told you about my dreams and suddenly I wanted to…I liked it.”

“Don’t start what you’re not ready for.” Hutch interrupted.

“Wasn’t that what you’ve been asking for since last weekend?”

“Starsky, please. We agreed to let it for now. So don’t…”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Starsky stood up and turned to leave.

“Wait a minute”. Hutch stood beside him gripping his arms turning him to be face to face. “I’m not upset. I liked it…No, I loved it,” he corrected himself smiling. “But first things first. Number 1 your Monday appointment. Number 2, we’ll go on with our talk.”

Starsky relaxed. “Did I ever tell you that you always know what to say in the right moment?”

“I’m the brains in this duo.” Hutch relaxed too and both friends started laughing. For the first time after their talk the past weekend, they really felt at ease with each other as they used to.

They decided then that the best for both of them was to spend the weekend apart. So Starsky left with Hutch’s promise to meet him next Monday where the Medical Board was taking place.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Starsky was really nervous during the appointment. He’d asked Hutch to let him go in alone, and that he just waited for him outside. He swore to Hutch that he’d be the first one to know the news, good or bad, but first hand. Hutch was anxious pacing along the corridor, and too worried for the long wait, when the door finally opened.

“Seems that you’ll have to stick with me for a long, long time buddy…I’m back on the streets again, Hutch…” He was fighting with his emotions but it was obvious that he was failing. His eyes were full of tears.

Hutch gave him a huge and warm embrace. “I told you that everything would be ok…” Hutch whispered in his ear.

Starsky was very touched and didn’t release his friend from the embrace. “Thanks Hutch… thanks….” This were the only words that Hutch heard coming from Starsky’s mouth, immersed in his shoulder.

Hutch waited patiently for Starsky to move, but since it seemed that he pretended to stay there forever, and a couple of cops were already watching the most famous cops of the precinct, in such open demonstration of care and love for each other, he decided to get out of there and give the news to their captain.

“Starsk… let’s go, buddy…you’re almost killing me…I need to catch some air, you know...”

Starsky loosened his hold and very shyly looked around. “Ok… I’m sorry…I’m over emotional today...I guess… Let’s get out of here, before I lose the rest of the male dignity that I still have in this precinct…”

“D’you have all the papers you’ll need to give Dobey?”

“Yeah… the doctors gave me everything.” He left almost running the room. When Hutch reached him next to the elevators, he was still sniffing. “I see your lungs are full recovered… you run like a man in a marathon….”

“I was approved Hutch… all that last year fighting… oh…God… I was approved!” He talked in a loud voice staring to the papers, as if he needed to hear that from his own voice to believe.

“Yeah.. I told you Starsky. Nothing could separate us. Nothing!!!” The elevator was there and they entered in silence.

When they emerged from the elevator, they saw Dobey in the squad-room. He obviously was so anxious that it’d been impossible to wait in his office. As soon as he saw Starsky, he knew. He’d been approved. One of his best detectives, who fought against the worst prognosis, was back to the action. To his place. On the streets. With his partner.

“You did it, didn’t you?

“Yeah… Cap…. I’m back to the action!” Starsky’s smile was shining in the room. The other detectives ran to shake hands and say their congratulations to him.

Hutch sat at his desk and only watched with loving eyes to his miracle. <<David Starsky you’re a miracle. A miracle of love, of strength, of determination. And what’s most important, finally, this miracle will be mine. I’ll have the chance to love and take care of you. I’ll have the chance to be loved by you. The impossible happened. During the hospitals days, all of this seemed like a dream. Just a distant and impossible dream.>> Hutch stayed there, looking at his miracle smiling and laughing. <<No one in this world deserves to be happy more than you, babe. And if you give me the chance, I’ll give you everything. Because I don’t want nothing for me. I already have so much since the day I met you. So much…>>

At night, the guys went to The Pits. Huggy was anxious to hug his curly brother too. Huggy was a great friend during this painful moment of Starsky’s life and for that Starsky would be eternally grateful. The guys drank some beers and Starsky lost some pool games. Hutch teased him a lot, but this night, nothing would make Starsky’s mood change. <<Oh man…life is good!!!>>

When they decided to leave, it was obvious that there was something pending for that night. Hutch’d told last Friday night that they’d go on with the conversation after the appointment with the Board. Both guys were aware of that. So as they entered the Torino, both got quiet, anxious for their next move.

“Ehhh, Starsk…” Hutch began.

“H-Hutch…” said Starsky at the same time. They both started laughing. “You go first” accepted Starsky, knowing he wouldn’t escape that night.

“OK… I was thinking that it’s not fair to force you to go on talking if you don’t feel comfortable with it yet.”

“But you said I wouldn’t escape tonight.” Starsky grinned.

“D’you think I’d cuff you or tie you in order to make you talk?” Hutch teased.

“I’m not for that, Blondie…” Starsky teased back.

“Now seriously, Gordo. I’ll give you time and room to think about it. But with a special condition. Try to think about our feelings in a positive way. Try not to deny what you feel nor to insist on the fact we’re wrong…”

“That’s like accept it right now and forget the conversation.”

“Not exactly…I’d say it’d be like not forcing things in one way or the other. Just let the feelings flow and then act by them. And when you’d sorted out everything, then you only have to look for me. I’ll be just waiting for your decision. There’s nothing I have to make up my mind for. I’ll agreed with what you decide. But of course after talking about the reasons of your decision, whatever it is.”

“You sure about that, Hutch?”

“Aha…Everything’s in the open between us and we’ll deal with it as always.”

So this settled, they agreed on leaving the topic till the moment Starsky felt ready to talk about it.

The rest of the week passed uneventful. It was a calm week. Starsky put an end to his desk work. And each day he was feeling more confident about his return to the streets next Monday. Dobey gave a free weekend to the guys, thinking they’d need time to celebrate properly, and then Monday would be the day. As their first mission, they’d be involved in an intricate homicide case. The detectives working on it right now, didn’t have much success. So Dobey was thinking of assigning the case to his best team, sure that they’d be able to solve it at last.

After finishing with all he had pending, Starsky decided to go home early on Friday. He’d made up his mind and so, Saturday he intended to spend all day with his friend.

Then the next morning, Starsky picked up Hutch early in the morning and they headed to the park. They needed to talk and Starsky decided that an open and public place would be the best choice. He still felt nervous with Hutch near him, and he still felt insecure about the consequences of this step in their lives.

On the other hand, Hutch seemed so damn confident. “Do you want to run or walk?” Hutch was trying to brake the silence that was filling the air since Hutch’s place.

“Talk.”

“Well… then talk…”

Starsky sat on a bench, and Hutch joined him. “How come do you feel so confident about what’s happening?”

“The word is not exactly confident. It’s more like… inevitable. I’ve already went through those ramblings you’re going now.”

“Since when did you notice that what you felt for me, had changed from friendship to something more personal…intimate or whatever…”

“I don’t know Starsk… I only know that when you were in the hospital…I started to think that I’d had you in my life for so many years and that I’d really never said to you how much I loved you…and I would loose you…So I could say that the change in my feelings about you came to light when I almost lost you after the shooting.”

“But I always knew that you loved me.”

“Let me finish, ok?”

“Ok…”

“Of course that sometimes I said or did something to you to make you know that I loved you, and I meant it, when I did it, but… it wasn’t the kind of love that I really felt… I always tried to notice if your feelings were the same for me…. I had the same fears then that you have now. “

“And what have changed now?”

“You… you changed. The way you started looking at me…the way you started acting next to me… I could swear that you were feeling the same feelings, but you didn’t understand or didn’t have the courage to face it”

“I don’t know exactly when I changed the way I looked at you. It felt weird at first, but I just started noticing every gesture, everything you did or say had a new meaning for me…And most important, I realized there was anybody that could replace you in my life. I already told you that I acted like a coward… I’m sorry…”

“No… you’d never be a coward…. You were very confused and with a lot of fears.”

“Fear of losing you…. I know I couldn’t live without you.” Starsky looked deeply in Hutch’s eyes.

“Because of those fears…fears of losing you…I decided to give it a try. Then you started talking about the girls and going back to that life, and I realized that I needed you in my life, one way or another other, I needed you. So I made a move back. Gave you space. I was almost ready to set you free to live what you thought it was your happiness.”

“I almost screwed up everything, right?”

“Yeah… “ Hutch was looking at his most precious thing in this world with infinite love and devotion.

“What did I do to deserve your love, Hutch?”

“Hum… probably something very bad….”

“No…I’m serious…”

“Sorry…I don’t know what it is, Gordo. I don’t know what I did to deserve your love either.” Hutch said smiling.

Starsky sighed. “You know?… I’d love to take a shower…it’s hot today. Can we go home?”

“Home? My place?”

“Besides my apartment, there are only two places in this world that I can call home…”

“Which are…?”

“Your place, and your heart.”

“Charming….”

“Your place…” said Starsky with his eyes fixed on Hutch.

* * * * * * * * * *

When they arrived at Venice Place the tension again caught Starsky. He wanted to feel as confident as Hutch, but he couldn’t help but feel nervous, anxious, still unsure this was what they really had to do.

Hutch noticed his uneasiness. “Starsky, we came here to continue our conversation. There’s no need for you to feel uncomfortable. Remember we always talked about everything and anything that happened to us. This is the same…There’s no rush at all.”

“There are lots of things to lose, Blondie. And I’m not referring to our jobs or friends, who probably wouldn’t understand…I’m thinking of ourselves and what we already have.”

“One step at a time, buddy” Hutch smiled fondly. “Go take that shower you wanted. I’ll see what I have in the fridge, then I’ll take a shower myself and…”

“And then we sit here and have the talk we have to.” Starsky smiled back winking his eye. He headed for the bathroom and swatted Hutch’s butt on his way as so many other times he’d done the same. But this time, he felt a different sensation inside of him with this touch. <<Seems I can’t help it but think I’ll really enjoy what this new step is gonna bring into our lives>>

<<I’ll show you this can be just perfect, buddy. I don’t give a damn for the outside world and what they coulc think of this. I only care about what we’re gonna start and I assure you, this won’t cause us anything but good things. Love in the right place and with the right person is everything we’re gonna have>> Hutch watched him as he disappeared behind the bathroom door. Then he went to the kitchen to busy himself with something to eat. Thinking of Starsky naked in the bathroom just made his body react in a way he didn’t want to. <<Not yet, Hutchinson. Calm down, first you both’re gonna talk and from that on, you’ll see>> He shook his head freeing of that image and concentrated on the task at hand.

Inside the bathroom, Starsky had already taken off his clothes and was looking at his reflection in the mirror. <<Come on, unconsciously you always tried to like him, wearing something he gave you or what you know he likes. You always liked the way he watched you in response…And accept it, Starsky, you always enjoyed what you saw in this partner of yours>> he smiled with those thoughts. He then turned on the water and stepped inside once the temperature felt comfortable. He took his time soaping his body carefully and then again the image of his blond partner came to his mind and his body reacted as expected. <<Calm down, Starsky. This time you don’t have to do it…not alone, at least. Wait and see what happens after you’ve said all you have to say. Everything’ll work just fine as Hutch told you>>

But with the thoughts of Hutch and what they were going to do came some ghosts too. While soaping his body and then drying off, he became aware of the scars that now were over a large part of his chest and back. Ugly scars that couldn’t be hidden beneath his body hair. It’d been a year, but they were still noticeable and surely they’d be forever there. There was no way he could hide them. <<Don’t be silly. Hutch knows the scars and he’s never showed a sign of repulse. You felt the same with Tracy, and she showed you she didn’t care about them in that way…This has to be the same>> He tried to convince himself of this, but deep inside of him, he wasn’t that sure of being successful.

When he was finished, he went to the bedroom looking for some of his clothes that were always at Hutch’s. One of his tightest jeans and Hutch’s red favorite T-shirt.

Hutch spoke from the kitchen. “Did you leave me some hot water, buddy?”

“Of course, I did.” Starsky was now standing behind Hutch in the kitchen.

When Hutch turned around, he gasped at the view in front of him. <<Knowing why we’re here, it’s making things a lot more difficult than I thought>> It was hard for him to control himself and not jump over Starsky and kiss him.

“What…?” Starsky asked noticing his partner’s expression. “Did I put on some dirty clothes?” he teased.

“Ehhh???…Oh no…it’s just…never mind” Hutch shook his head and without saying anything else, he hurried for the bedroom, took his clothes to change and went to the bathroom before he could do something stupid.

Starsky felt this was funny, and that made him relax a little. Nevertheless, he was impatient waiting for Hutch. He tried to watch something on TV, but he was so nervous that he needed to walk around. He went to the greenhouse and stayed there looking at Hutch’s beloved plants. << Hey plants…you’re gonna see the most unbelievable thing… Hutch and me…together…>> He smiled amused with the idea…although his stomach was giving him signals that he was hungry, but not for food, but for his blond partner.

Hutch finally emerged from his bedroom. He put on a clean shirt and jeans. No underwear. Because of the dim light or simply what he was feeling at the moment, but for Starsky, Hutch was shinning like an angel from a fairy tale.

“Was the water still hot?”

“Yeah… delicious… What’re you doing here? Talking to my plants?”

“Actually…yes…They’re spoiled by you. As soon as I entered here, they kept watching me, waiting for me to talk to them…”

“Clown…Talking about what?”

“Us…”

Hutch smiled lovingly. “Do the plants approve it?”

“Yes, they do…They love you too. They understand you…better than me...I guess…” Starsky changed the direction of his steps, and went to the living room, sitting on the couch.

“No one knows me better than you, Starsk….” Hutch joined him in the couch. He stayed staring at Starsky, waiting for the next step. Hutch for the first time, was obviously nervous and without knowing what to do next.

Starsky, in one more of his actions guided by his instinct, sat closer and reached Hutch’s face and caressed him. He was mesmerized by the beauty and the perfection of this face that he knew so well.

Hutch leaned his face in the direction of Starsky’s hand and closed his eyes. << I’ve been waiting this for so long…>> He felt his body respond immediately to this touch.

Starsky noticed it too. He looked at Hutch from head to toes with mischievous eyes and it was clear that Hutch was hard.

Suddenly, it seemed that Hutch came to reality, and guided by an impulse coming from nowhere, he moved toward Starsky’s body. He kissed him with desperate need and passion and their bodies got closer than ever before. Both men were breathing rapidly and soft moans were heard in the living room.

Starsky backed off and rose from the couch. He started to pace the room.

“What happened? I thought that you’d like it?

He turned quickly toward Hutch and smiled. “I liked it… I…just don’t know what to do from here…”

“Oh…that’s new for me… David Starsky doesn’t know how to do sex…” Hutch’s voice was amused with the sudden panic attack that Starsky was felling.

“I know how to do sex… Don’t make fun of me… Don’t do this more difficult than it already is….”

“OK…sorry…. So…what’s so difficult?

“What…. How…” He suddenly turned and stared to his friend with sweet eyes. “I just want to be the best for you…to make this work… and I don’t know how….”

Hutch smiled. “If you’re afraid of the mechanics… relax… when the moment finally arrived…we’ll know how to do it… and what we don’t know… we can discover together. Come here, Starsk…”

“It’s more than that, Hutch…. I know sex involves naked bodies and I’ve never cared about it too much. But now… I know that we know our bodies … But now it’s different… I want to be a good thing for you… I want to satisfy your desires and expectations.. and…I’m not sure that I’m capable to do it.”

“Why not? You’ve already said that to be naked isn’t a problem for us… “ Hutch was genuinely confused.

“To be naked in a hospital bed…when you’re taking care of me, or all the weird stuffs that we faced there, helping me to take a bath, when I was recovering in my place, or in the shower of the police station…That was another thing… we were just two guys, two friends, two cops. Now…I’ll be your lover. And this means lust, desire… and all that stuff” Starsky was still with his back to Hutch.

Hutch rose from the couch and stood in front of Starsky, who immediately lowered his gaze to the floor, avoiding Hutch’s eyes. “Starsk… if we decided to be lovers, the intimacy would be complete. And in a different way. Of course I know it. But everything’ll be in the right time. We don’t need to hurry… we don’t have to do anything that we don’t want or don’t feel prepared for.”

“I know that! You wouldn’t force me to do anything that I didn’t want or didn’t feel ready for. But…there’s something that’s making me feel bad and ashamed…. “

“What?” Hutch’s eyes were filled with concern.

“My chest…” Almost a whisper.

“What?

‘My chest… I can’t help myself…I looked in the mirror and thought that years ago, I was perfect. And I just wanted to be perfect for you. And I’m not anymore.” Finally Starsky looked at Hutch. He needed to know, he needed to feel what Hutch thought about it.

“You are perfect for me.” Hutch hold Starsky in a huge embrace. Again, the simple touch against Starsky’s shaft sent waves of pleasure to his body. “When we love somebody, we love a whole package. I love your honesty, your loyalty, your generosity, your humanity, your sensitivity, your stubborn temper, your silly jokes, your joy for the simple things in this life. All this together makes what you are. Your beauty is a package of all this and it’s not some scars that will change the way I see you or feel about you.” Slowly, he took off Starsky’s shirt over his head, and started kissing his cheeks, neck and chest, paying special attention to the scars. He was so hard and Starsky’s warm body, his sweet smell, his haired chest under his hand, were making him crazy and he realized he‘d come soon.

Starsky seemed lost too in this moment of pleasure. The sensations that now filled his body were making him forget all about his fears and insecurities. The friction caused by Hutch’s body against his, and the dancing of their tongues in an incredible kiss, were making him lose complete control of himself. Making a great effort, he stepped back just enough to speak. “W-Wait a minute, Hutch” He was breathless and dizzy for the arousal.

A deep groan escaped from Hutch’s mouth, longing for his partner. “Not now…” Hutch pleaded. He was so close to the edge, he didn’t want to stop now, fearing Starsky’d run from him. <<Don’t stop now…let me make love to you, and you won’t regret it>> he thought.

Starsky saw the disappointment in Hutch’s face and smiled lovingly raising his hand to caress his cheek. “I’m not escaping, Blondie…I just think we’ll be more comfortable in your bed.”

Surprise, confusion. Hutch wasn’t sure he’d heard the right words. “D’you really wanna give it a try?”

“I thought that was the reason we came here, wasn’t it?” Starsky asked playfully.

“Yeah, yeah…I thought I’ve been too rough and was afraid you’ve changed your mind.”

“When did I run from a challenge? And why would I do it now, when you’ve just given me a very good preview of what it can be.” Starsky was really enjoying this game. He realized that what he was feeling right now wasn’t fear any more. He now was feeling very aroused toward this handsome man in front of him, his partner. “Do you wanna give up, buddy?”

Hutch came to reality and took Starsky’s arm pulling him toward the bedroom. “Never.”

Starsky eagerly allowed his friend to guide him. Soon they were by the bed standing in front of one another again. Their eyes locked on each other, they ventured a hand to caress the face of the other, saying through that simple gesture all they were feeling inside.

Hutch leaned forward to kiss Starsky again, and they joined in a long kiss that sent waves directly to their groins, igniting the fire again.

When they ended the kiss, Starsky started unbuttoning Hutch’s shirt. “I’m in disadvantage here. I wanna see you and touch you…all of you.” When he was finished with the shirt, he loosened the belt of Hutch’s jeans and took the zipper next. As soon as it went down, Hutch’s cock stood free in front of Starsky. “I see you were really sure this was gonna happen. Didn’t wanna lose time, did you?” he smiled mischievously.

“We’ve already wasted so much time, I didn’t wanna take long taking off my clothes.” The blond man replied, his face blushing, and not because of shyness. He was so hot, he didn’t know how he was going to control himself. “Wh-What about you?” he asked as his hands went rapidly to Starsky’s jeans, undoing the waist button and zipper too.

Starsky wasn’t wearing any underwear either. He shrugged when Hutch looked at him. “Seems I was so nervous, I forgot mine too.”

Hutch then pushed down Starsky’s jeans and he stepped out, kicking them aside.

“I want things even, partner.” Starsky said and did the same with Hutch’s jeans. When the jeans were in his ankles too, the blond man kicked them to a corner.

Now with both bodies completely naked, they hugged and fell on the mattress, hands roaming over the so known bodies, but ready to know them more intimately. Their hands touched, caressed every inch of their backs, their rounded asses. Their mouths kissing hungrily too. The room now filled with moans of pleasure from both men.

Hutch wanted to do everything he could to take away all the ghosts in Starsky’s mind. He wanted to show him he was as perfect as before. And that what they’d have from now on, would be better than what they already had. He kissed him all over his face, outlining it, stopped on his mouth savoring it, then resumed his journey down Starsky’s body. He took his time paying attention to every inch of Starsky’s chest, his nipples, going down to his navel and farther down till he reached his precious goal. He gave special attention then to Starsky’s manhood. His tongue licking all its extension, playing at the slit in its head and finally he took it completely into his mouth.

Starsky was completely lost in the sensations. Hutch’s ministrations were something completely new, a new world that resulted better that what he’d dreamed. His moans filled the room and he was quickly getting to the top. “Hutch, pl-please, stop!” he exclaimed. “Give me…a break…” he was breathless.

“That good?” Hutch asked grinning pleased straightening on his elbow. Starsky could only nod. His partner’s moans and what he felt under his touch, were also making him get to the verge of climax.

Starsky’s hand went down to Hutch’s dick and took it pressing it against his leg. “I wanna return the favor. Let me enjoy what you have too, Blondie. I like what I see…Let me touch you.”

Hutch then climbed over the curly man, blanketing him with his body. He slid his hands under Starsky’s ass, holding each cheek while he placed his hard member against his lover’s.

“Oh God, Hutch” Starsky closed his eyes drowning in the sensations. His hands hurried to hold Hutch’s ass too and soon they were both thrusting frantically their shafts together till they climaxed crying each other’s name.

When they composed, Hutch hurried to the bathroom to get a wash cloth to clean themselves. Then he climbed into bed again and cradled against his now lover, resting his head on his chest.

Starsky was relaxed, pleased, satisfied, his hand caressing Hutch’s soft hair, his eyes closed. “This was incredible, Hutch. I’ve never felt this complete after sex.”

“Me either, buddy. I’ve dreamed of this moment so many times, I awoke wet in the middle of the night and felt so lonely when I realized it hadn’t been real…and that maybe never would be.”

“Shhh…that time is over, Blondie. Now what matters is we finally got together…” he fell silent.

“What’s wrong, Starsk?” Hutch sensed the tension again. “D’you regret it?”

“’course not! You’re the most beautiful thing in my life.”

“Then what is it?”

“What did you feel when you touched…when you kissed my scars?”

“I liked them…”

“Don’t give me that crap, Hutch”, he opened his eyes disgusted, lowering his gaze.

Hutch raised his head to look into Starsky’s eyes. “I really do…’cause beneath them beats the heart of the man I love. They show me the miracle you are, Starsky…And this miracle is mine now.”

Starsky saw the love and truth in Hutch’s eyes. He cupped his face in his hands and they joined in another deep kiss.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When Hutch woke up the last rays from the sun were passing through the bedroom’s widow. He stretched his body and noticed that Starsky was deep asleep. His face was quiet and there was no sign of the anxiety that he was feeling in the morning in the park . Hutch smiled remembering the moments they lived in this bed. He’d dreamed about this for such a long time. Now this man, who he loved more than himself was there, sleeping in his bed. And better yet, they’d made love and he’d had the opportunity to show him how much he loved him. <If I could, I’d keep you here forever. Nothing and no one would hurt you anymore…>

Starsky was sleeping on his back. The so hated scars were facing the ceiling and in this abandoned sleep, he seemed without any concerns about this new reality of his life. Hutch went on with his mind ramblings <I’d give anything to take off this scars from your chest…just to see you happy> Hutch saw the clothes on the floor, and the idea of having Starsky’s manhood in his hand, in his mouth, just thinking of it was making him hard again. <You don’t need to do much to turn me on…just thinking of you is enough…> He smiled amused. He then decided to take a shower and prepare something to eat. If he was hungry, his miracle would wake up starving.

After the shower, he picked up the same jeans from the floor and ran to the kitchen. He prepared juice and sandwiches. When he was finishing…

“Hi….” Starsky was naked, leaning against the bedroom door.

After the first gasp, Hutch regained control. “If you intend to walk around all the time in this way…I think that we’ll have problems….”

Walking slowly in Hutch’s direction, Starsky said. ”With the landlord….?”

“No…with me… I need to maintain a little concentration on some tasks here…“ Hutch’s eyes were eating alive Starsky’s body.

“Am I causing you lack of concentration…?” He was smiling provocatively and he was walking to Hutch’s direction with no intention but to tease him.

“Of co-course….” Hutch stammered as Starksy stood inches from him. “What d’you want…kill me…drive me crazy….? Hutch was hard again and suddenly his jeans felt uncomfortable.

“Just trying to feel more confident…. I’m just practicing….” Starsky smiled mischievously.

“More confident than that…. Jesus….” Hutch held him close and kissed him passionately. He backed off just a little to say…“You’re crazy you know…. “

“It’s part of the whole package you mentioned before, remember?”

“Yeah… I remember…Do you really intend to eat naked….?”

“No… you’re looking at me in such a way…that I’m embarrassed now…. You know how to embarrass a guy….I’ll put on some clothes…. “ Starsky simulated to be upset and turned around walking back to the bedroom.

“Embarrassed…. You seem very comfortable to me…” Hutch talked in a low voice still impressed with the beautiful ass of his lover. And remembering how good it was to touch it and the sensations he felt earlier.

Starsky came back and they sat at the table, and started eating in silence.

Worried with the sudden silence from his talkative lover, and fearing that his comments about wearing some clothes to eat must had given him the wrong idea about the scars being an ugly vision, Hutch asked. “What’s now?

“Nothing…. I’m just wondering…What will be from now on, Hutch…? Starsky asked seriously.

“You’re really something…you entered here completely naked, made me loose my concentration, made me kiss you like a mad man, and now you’re wondering what will happen from now on?

“I was just acting like myself… if we’ll live like lovers, you must be prepared to deal with a Starsky in love….”

“Are you in love with me…?” Hutch’s eyes were brighter then a star.

Starsky smiled a little shyly with the sudden revelation. “Yeah…. I am. As I’ve never been in love before.”

“I think that I’ll love to deal with a Starsky in love…. I can manage to deal with you walking around naked.“ Hutch smiled amused with the thought.

“What d’you think our friends and family will say about it? I mean…. my mom, Nick, your parents…Huggy and there is our captain too… “

“There’s no need to talk with them right now… Actually, there’s no need to talk with them at all. We can live our lives…Starsk, d’you think that your mother would give you support?

“I don’t know… maybe….she loves me… She wants to see me happy.”

“I wouldn’t say the same about my parents…. They’ll never accept it…” Hutch’s voice was sad.

“But this’ll never be a problem, won’t it? I mean…a problem that would make you give up on me….” Again the scared little boy under a devil skin was talking.

“Of course not! What happened early today was definitive. Sealed our journey.”

Starsky smiled shyly again, but his eyes were filled with joy. “Sealed our journey… you’re so great with the words, Blondie…And you made me feel so loved…It was so good… real good, Hutch….” Now, he was serious and so shameless open.

<How I love you…. Sometimes it hurts, Starsk…> “Listen…it’s the best thing that I could dream of… I’ll make you feel more and more loved. I swear, Starsk...No one in this world will give you the pleasure, and the sensations that I’ll give you.”

“And… if I’m not ready to do something…more…“

Hutch reached out and held Starsky’s hand over the table. “I’m sure that we’ll know how to deal with it when the time comes…I have my limitations too… I can’t walk around naked…You’ll have to teach me…”

“No problem… I’ll teach you it… it’s easy” Starsky rose from the table and started to open his zipper.

“Hey, hey….stop it.” Hutch held Starsky’s hands. “This is my part… I want a complete class…”

“OK, if you say so…“ Starsky sat back and started to eat again.

“About talking to the people, and what we have to change and face from now on…I think that we could let things just the way they are…And just enjoy our nights together… I think that I won’t be able to sleep without you by my side anymore….”

“Me either… We just flip a coin to choose the place.” Starsky added, smiling like a kid.

“A coin….” Hutch smiled amused with the simplicity of the solution his most beloved creature in this world gave him to the problem.

“Yeah…heads or tails….”

“Deal!!!!” Hutch reached out his hand to Starsky, shaking hands vigorously.

THE END

Author’s notes:

Lyrics from John, sang by Ana Carolina (Brazilian)

Free translation by the authors.

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