| Untitled Desparation I don't expect anyone to understand what I write on these pages. Hell, I don't think I understand. I want so badly to give up, but the repercussions are so immense, that I remain. I just don't understand what I am to do anymore. God, I just want to give up! What's stopping me? Fear? It's nothing.. It's weak. It must be something though, cause I'm still here to write on this bullshit piece of paper as though someone will actually give a shit. I can't change the world, and it's doubtful I've really affected many lives. So why the hell do I even try anymore? If it's not going to make a difference, no matter what I do, what the hell is the point? Oddly enough, I'm happier when I'm alone - which consequently is when i'm the greatest threat to myself. Perhaps I'm just getting too nostalgic for my own good. I'm terrified about the future - I have no control over it, so I get upset. Being melancholy is like an old friend in a way - it's always been there and it's almost comforting. Everyone seems to think I'm so strong. I'm not damnit!!!!!!! I feel so weak and helpless right now that I want to cry, but I know I won't cause I can't handle having people see me being weak. Is it so hard to believe that I need to be held like a child every now and then? That I need to have my tears dried for me and my hair smoothed away from my face? Is it so hard for everyone to believe that I need some TLC every now and then? I can't help it, I'm human and right now, god, I am so weak. I feel like I'm going to become catatonic, just so people can realize just how fragile I really am. Eventually, they're all going to find out how cowardly I am. I feel as though I'm dangling from the cliff - just starting to lose my grip. Well guess what everyone - my arms are getting tired..... Is it so wrong for me to want to let go? Most likely. |