| 07.January "Lord, to think what's changed in my life within this year. Right now I'm having one of those rare moments where I truly believe that Steve is a decent guy. To think, a moment of thought without my mother's influence. He probably is - I just don't know him anymore. Maybe once I move back home, I'll get that chance. Maybe. We were a cute couple in our own respect. To think last year at this time we were so close - dare I say in love? He took the road to self-gratification, and while, at first, I joined him on that road, but soon found it fork and am lost in self-destruction. Why all this sudden focus upon him? Mainly cause I found one of the e-mails from him that escaped my garbage can full of my appleton life. The one thing I found in that e-mail was something I've needed to hear for awhile now. The thing that floored me in reading it was that he REALLY loved me. I mean, honest to God the kind of love you only find in some cheesy romance novel, or even maybe the kind that only happens once in a lifetime. I read that and felt instantly ashamed - good time to learn humility right? He loved me with his entire hear and soul - loved me passionately- not the fleeting kind, but I took his love and gave nothing in return. I treated him like crap. I even pseudo-cheated on him. But technically it was Art who made the first move, but I was still at fault. I made no attempt to stop him. Which in reflection cements my belief that I'm either becoming a slut or a nymphomaniac. But what the hell do I know? I sit here spouting out "philosophies" and believing I know it all. I'm 17 - I don't know anything! I know book stuff but not reality. Which I need to work on. Don says I'm too smart for everyone - which I think it utterly ridiculous. Speaking of him - he's a major landmark in my journey through self-destruction. A 17 year old dating someone who's 30... This is the type of girl I used to look down upon, and yet I've become her. But no one my age wants me and I suppose it's better to be loved than not at all. Most likely the latter considering I've cheated on him numerous times - only once was it sexual, but it's still cheating. I need to end it with him.. I guess I'm just too scared. God I'm a whore. There are only two reasons I don't regret losing my virginity - 1.) I was very much in love and 2.) I would NEVER EVER go through that pain again. Steve - you damn near ripped me in half - don't apologize either, like I said that's one of the aspects I don't regret, but I regret the feeling that I'm a whore. I regret the fact that I'm jealous of those who have their virginity, because it's ever so precious. But most of all I regret it because I learned too young what it's like to lose a child. One thing that i'm regretful about it, is the location.. I just envisioned better, but then again, two hormonally crazed teenagers in love can't be too picky. |