I have a very bad feeling in my stomach. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been trying to fight off depression for the last week and I'm starting to feel that it's a pointless battle, even if I've been winning thus far. Don't you ever get tired of sitting there and reading that I'm depressed? I hope you do, because I get sick of writing it. I love being happy, even if depression is like an old friend, and amazingly reliable. I mean, I don't exactly enjoy going sometimes a month without smiling genuinely. Instead I go around with an incredibly fake smile on my face and tell everyone, "Yes I'm fine, thank you for asking" somedays I'm in awe at how well I can bullshit. However, writing here actually helps. It's turned into a real diary. I write here all the time it seems like. I let the entire world know how I feel... which is extremely uncharacteristic. But to be honest, the thought of next year terrifies me. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've never shared a room with anyone before. I've never been away from home for more than 3-4 weeks before. I've never had to be completely and utterly self reliant, and I've never been alone before. I'm not going to know anyone, and I'm certain I'm not the only person who's felt like this before. I'm sure most seniors feel this way. I'm leaving my family, and it just feels weird because I know no matter what happens to me in my life, they'll be there. I can trust and rely on friends, but my family is stuck with me until they're all dead.... poor things, and they hardly know me. My friends know me better. *sigh* I don't know if I want to do this. I mean,, I love the thought of leaving and going off to explore my future, but I'm also scared. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen to me in the next year. I don't like the fact that I have to here and watch 2 years away from him turn into 3.. I feel so powerless. The entire world, it seems, is knocking at my front door, and I just want to go hide under my bedclothing.
Tomorrow is my last day of high school. I'm sort of looking forward to it... but that's for a different reason entirely. :) It's nice to have a boyfriend who's willing to drive up to see you. It really is. :) It also sucks cause if you're really lucky you see him once a week.... as opposed to say not seeing him for like a month. *tear* "While I'm away I'll write home everyday...." oh well! No more brooding! I'm gonna go upstairs and shower now, and then I'm gonna go play outside, and i'm going to like it.... I hope.