| 18.March.01 I don't know what just happend I was just sitting here being really good at not being really sad when I just got really upset. I have this very strong need to just sit and cry for a while. Does this mean I'm really crazy? I was reading something online today that really got me to think. It was about this guy who was in love with this girl who killed herself. The girl's best friend waited 3 days to tell this boy that the girl was dead. It kinda made me wonder. Who would find out, and who wouldn't? One name comes to mind that wouldn't find out. I'm just tired of being a wallflower I guess. "I'm waiting for a call, my imaginary friends and all. Those who would never let me be taken by the fall" I used to have friends like that. Somehow I just don't have them anymore. Somehow, I just don't exist in this world or my old one. I would like to dream that I would be welcomed back if I were ever to return. But my world is changing. I don't have a happy home. I just have this place were I keep breathing. I'm still an outsider. After 2 years up here I still am shocked when someone tells me they'd like to get to know me. Is that wrong? I really do think at times it is. I'm just an intruder in both worlds. Not really wanted around, but almost an accepted annoyance in the common world. A teacher of mine told me that when I get though college she'd like me to come back up here and teach the strings program. I so do not want to live up here for the rest of my godforsaken life. My weekend was vaguely decent. Except I was stood up again. Maybe that's the main reason why I really just want to cry. Another fucking disappointment. But don't worry I think I'm getting used to the feeling. I honestly can say that whatever trust he had almost gained back, he lost again. I'm tired of being here. I'm constantly alone. Regardless of what people say. I'm just someone who's here. I'm no one truly important. Perhaps my story is supposed to much like the boy and the girl mentioned above. Save the fact that no boy I can fathom would dare be stupid enough to wish me for someone to love. Talk about craziness. It'll just be a sudden thing. They'll pick up the phone and hear a crying voice saying " (insert name here) she's gone. Aimee killed herself" And that would be that. A funeral, a casket, a body, and people mourning someone they really didn't like that much. I can say I've only loved one person in my life. It wasn't even romantic. It was my grandpa. I miss him, more than anything. I give up everything I have, and I mean everything, if I could just spend one more day with him. It's going on 3 years now. And I'm mourning him like it's been less than one. Maybe this is why I'm scared to love again. I'm scared whomever it is that I love is gonna leave me, and I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't love anyone right now, at least not in the way I'd like to think I want to. It's all platonic. Life is a series of partings though. G'night. Aimee. |