| 24.February.01 I've been sitting here for about an hour. Staring at the screen, and the only thing that crosses my mind over and over is, what is wrong with me? I spend more of my time unhappy, than I ever did happy. I have the desire to be happy, but it feels so impossible. Want to hear something scary... at least I find it disturbing, but I seriously want to die. I'm not afraid of it anymore. 8th grade was the last time anyone ever talked to me about suicide, and I was scared then of hell. I don't even know if God exists so how can I bother being scared? I just don't know how much more I can handle. I have so much pressure on me right now, and I have so much anger within me. Last night, as I was searching for a scholarship application I craftily lost, I consciously noticed myself locking away what was wrong. I hid it, or at least tried my damnedest to. I noticed it, and when I did. I tried harder to hide it, cause I can't handle being upset. I haven't had an emotional/nervous breakdown since 8th grade. Which is around the time I started trying to hide everything I feel. I should have been to a psychologist a long time ago, but now it's too late. I just wish to God that now I had the resources to end my life. "If I had a gun - there'd be no tomorrow" Which I, seriously wonder is true. If I had that gun on my kitchen table, would I do it? Would I have the balls (amazing considering I'm female) to pick it up and just shoot? I've brought knives into my room, with the full intention of doing something... what I never quite got to... usually cause mom called me downstairs or the phone rang, or I just was too weak in my mind to want to think about it. I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so lost, and completely useless all the time. What good do I do for anyone? lately, I just sit there and depress everyone around me. I want to be left alone, but at the same time, I don't want to be. Please, just give me opportunity... just please give it to me. let me send out those letters I've written over and over again, and let me enter into eternity! I don't care about "heaven" or "hell" cause they most likely don't exist. I think now would be an apt time to quote something. Most of you know it... To be or not to be: That is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing them? To die: to sleep, No more; and, by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: Ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; No more need be said -Aimee |