| 8.December.00 "How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again?" I really wish I knew the answer to this. It's days like this that drive me mad, because I don't need love. I mean, you can survive without it right? I don't mean the kind of love that you feel for friends. I mean the kind that I'm always bitching about. Maybe I'm meant for this. the odd thing i'm noticing as I'm getting a little older is that Adulthood in all its glory isn't for your life, it's there to help you get over your childhood. I honestly don't know that many people who have had a really great childhood.. I had the best my mom could provide for me, which somedays I think wasn't enough. My brother would be proud though.. in my anger I've turned to Marilyn Manson for comfort. Some comfort. I don't really have words to describe how I feel... it's not happy, but it's not depressed. It's crap like this that really makes me wonder if I'm manic. Last week I was ready to shove a gun barrel in my mouth and end it all, this week I'm fine. I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed either... but I go to such extremes so fast. Only problem is, I can never be diagnosed cause I want to be a teacher. They'd never let me teach with that kind of background. Oddly enough, music is like prozac to me. Calms me down and makes me feel normal. Perhaps I just really wish something were wrong with me... then I'd know why I feel this way. There's one song by Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" I completely understand it. It oddly enough describes my daily feelings. My need to escape. My need to grow up more. I just don't know how to deal with it. One of these days, I'm worried, it'll get the best of me. On a lighter note, I found out a few days ago that I'm going to Germany. Awesome right?! (see what I mean about going from one extreme to the next?) I'll be going to Altoetting with my old school. just think... the alps, the culture, the beer... just kidding about the last one.. lol Oh well.. The guy from the December 2nd entry has hinted that i may have finally truly captured his heart... We'll call him Trent to protect him... :) I heard this last night as I spoke to him.... I don't know what to think. Do I play hard to get now... in order to judge if his intentions be honourable? or do I just let things evolve? I would love to have this all figured out... but I doubt that's likely.. Well I'm outta here. Aimee |