April 5, 2001 is surely a emotional saddening day that I will run over and over in my mind sadly for the rest of my life. It was the day I prematurely & unexpectedly gave birth to my long awaited for only daughter Julia. You see I have 3 beautiful sons and was really anticipating the birth of my first daughter.To introduce myself my name is Traci and am married to my husband Pete and together we have 3 sons at home Adam aged 14, Ryan (who was also born prematurely at 28 weeks gestation) aged 9 & our youngest Noah who is now a happy 5 year old. I surely was no stranger to a abnormal pregnancy giving birth to Ryan in 1992 prematurely at 28 weeks due to PROM (premature rupture of the membranes) but afterwards went on to carry Noah full term so when I first learned of being pregnant with Julia in December of 2000 I was pretty optimistic that I could go on to carry this baby all the way. I figured my pregnancy with Ryan was just one of
those things and hoping it would not happen again. Consequently, My preemie baby Ryan did very well and is now a healthy 9 year old. My new pregnancy with Julia was surely a surprise and was not entirely planned but in February of 2001 I learned by ultrasound I was pregnant with a girl this time I was so anticipating her birth and immediately started buying all the girlie stuff like pink dresses, bows and all the things I couldnt with my boys. Unfortunately I had a terrible cough my entire pregnancy and was severly nauseated and vomited everyday and it never stopped after the 1st trimester as it usually did when I was pregnant. Also I was experiencing contractions nearly everyday and sadly my doctor would just dismiss it when I told him thinking and believing it was just my ligaments stretching and I was mistaking it for contractions. I now wish I would have been more aggressive getting him to believe me maybe Julia would be here today if it would have been taken care of. At 23 weeks gestation, the night came when the contractions came and this time they did not go away, I was asleep and was constantly being woke up by them. I now wish again that I would have went to the hospital then and would not have waited till morning like I did but I cant turn back time. I would have done alot of things differently and this is something that will go over and over in my head forever.In the morning I awoke my husband Pete and told him what was happening and we called the doctor and he immediately told us to meet him at the hospital. My contractions were intense when we got there , he checked my cervix and I was 2 cm. dialated. Wow not again I was thinking, please NO! This time was worse I was only 23 weeks. They gave me steroids to mature the babies lungs in case of birth and immediately started me on medication to stop the labor and then informed me I would be taken to Magee Women hospital In Pittsburgh, Pa. (where I went with my son Ryan ) since they specialize in these problems. The ambulance ride was terrible having contractions the whole way. Again I was examined there and was dialated to 3 to 4cm. They too continued with the medication to stop labor which made me so sickly. To no avail....it wasnt working it was now fairly evident my baby girl would be born. The doctors came to inform me of her survival chances and it was not good. Decisions had to be made by me and my husband, whether to use heroic measures to save her life or just let her go thats IF and that was a big IF she survived the birth because she was breech. At 23 weeks her chances for survival (with help from the NICU) was 5% to survive and have a healthy life . And it would be a long hard road. She would suffer through so many ordeals. My first response was NO I did not want that ......I did not want to see or have her suffer like that. I informed them to just let her go, to not use heroic measures to save her. I wanted to be holding her if she survived and not to die hooked up to all those machines. I wanted her to feel my love and warmth and die in my arms if she had to. I got my wish after all the attempts to save my pregnany they decided birth was imminent and took me off the meds and let the pregnancy end, to let her be born. At 10:53 pm my baby girl Julia was born alive and she was crying. She survived the birth against the odds and she lived for 1 hour and died in my arms. Me and my husband took turns holding her. She was the most precious, angelic baby I ever seen. There was a feeling of peace when I held her in my arms.I didnt want to give her back. My husband cried and not too often had I seen him do that. The nurse took pictures of her and took footprints. There she was my daughter she was so petite and had long fingernails. If only she would have stayed in there one more week her chances would have jumped to at least 20%. If only....If only. Why? Why? I will relive those precious moments with her for my entire life. I was the proud Mom of an earthy daughter for 1 hour. I wish I would have kissed her....I wish I would have spent more time with her, so many wishes as I look back now. My emotions were crazy I wasnt in my right mind. I was in shock and numb as I left that hospital the next day with a severly aching heart....empty arms and an empty womb. I missed my daughter in my belly, I missed being pregnant with her. Oh where was she? I walked around in a daze for at least a month with bruised emotions. My heart ached so bad for my baby I thought I would die. I reached out for help on the internet and that got me through some very dark days. I couldnt understand how my husbands grief seemed to heal so much quicker than mine did. I now realize men grieve differently. I was mad at him for not showing his feelings as I did...I constantly wanted to talk of my baby and he didnt. I thought this would be the ruining of our marriage but it has been over a year and we are still together. I still wish he would open up more and talk of our baby but have to respect his way of dealing. I started to drink and I dont mean soda for a few months after she left me...I was
running and hiding from my grief. Then one day when I quit the drinking it came back to haunt me. I worked through my grief especially when me and my oldest son Adam started working on this site for her. It really helped...I was able to obsess about my baby for awhile, night and day I would work on this site and it was therapueatic. My husband would barely look at it and I would get upset but then again it was his way of dealing. I cant say now after a year of working through my grief that I dont still ache for her or miss her, I will always but I guess I am learning to live with the fact a little more that my daughter is in heaven and she is our angel and one day we will be reunited with her. Boy, this healing process is hard work and no matter what you cant cheat or get out of it, you have to work through it and that is what I'm doing. I just love that baby girl soo very much. It has been the hardest part of my life thus far. |
