(I liked this idea so much, this has continued and now contains anything I write
online that I so term philosophical.)
(I liked this idea so much, this has continued and now
contains anything I write
online that I so term philosophical.)
The complete journal can be viewed online by clicking here.
Journal entries are in reverse chronological order.
12.16.03 8:23 PM
If only I could
sleep forever, then maybe this mess that is my life right now would melt away.
Because it does -- the world DOES disappear when I close my eyes, and I don't
have to deal with all the crap that exists, with all the dreams that have been
broken, with all my wrongs that should have been rights.
When I close my eyes, inadequacies and faults and failure go away, reality
escapes, and it's only me and what I dream for the future, what I treasure from
the past.
Oh, for a retreat to the past! When all was golden, when simplicity was sublime,
when the promise of the future was a rock, when the future was full steam ahead,
no holds barred, do as you wish because the future rests within the palm of your
hand.
But now...
Now destruction reigns supreme and sorrow rages about the land. Now pity and
weakness are the only soldiers in this battle for the crown. The crown? The
future, shiny and bright, studded with the most precious gems of dreams - ruby,
jade, sapphire, emerald, opal, diamond... Diamonds of self, I remember. Maybe I
was wrong. Maybe the diamond is really only dusty carbon after all.
I thought I was destined for the stars. I thought my life was to be a
"superb meteor, every atom alive with the glow of a magnificent
planet." Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps the glow is only the flame, perhaps
the meteor is only an explosion; an explosion not of greatness but one of
destruction. Perhaps the golden age is to end here; perhaps all the goodness
that existed to this point was all I am to deserve.
I had a feeling this would happen. Everything has always worked out all right,
been manageable, the chances been overcome for the best to finish the race. But
now, when it was my turn, my first shot at the craps of life - the first thing I
really believed in - the odds had to defy me.
Because that's all I really wanted. Nothing else seems to matter. I know that
you will find me one year from now and wherever I am, I will be happy, and no
matter what name is printed on the diploma I receive in four and a half years,
it will be a success, a happy reminder of magnificent past, a beacon, shining
ready to hold the future. I know that. I know it will somehow all be all right.
You don't have to tell me that. You don't have to tell me I'll find success no
matter where it is housed.
But the shrines of my future only know one identity. There is only one universe;
there is only one sublime supremacy. Sure, I'll be fine. But I don't really want
to be fine. I want the best of it all for my life, and the best has been taken
from me. Make do; that's not good enough. Life's too short to make do. I only
have this chance once. I only have this chance once. It has to be right. I will
not settle. I cannot settle. I don't know how I'm going to settle.
I don't know how I'm going to pick up all the shattered pieces of my broken self
and dance among the joys of life again.
Don't judge me. Don't think I'm taking it too far. You don't understand. You
only have the head. It's a much different situation when the heart is involved.
Broken 12.15.03 10:13 PM
For those of you
whom I don't talk to that often, a glimpse into the magnificence of the past few
days...
Let me mention first off that as happy as I am for all of you, it's tremendously
painful to read everyone's intended schools in their profiles, knowing mine is
lost.
because as much as i want to believe in the illusion, to believe that the
future will be restored...
i cannot shed the feeling that all my dreams have been shattered
And I wish that someone would just tell me it’s okay
I wish that this were only a bad dream that would go away
I wish that life were fair
I wish that it wasn’t so hard not to care
I wish that I still had my dreams
And that life wasn’t as bad as it seems
I wish that I could change the past
I wish that I didn’t have to end up last
I wish that this wrong was right
To make the future seem oh, so bright.
Dreams questioned, locations unknown, players absent, direction nowhere...
The Sound and the Fury 10.20.03 5:02 PM
To-morrow, and
to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-- Macbeth (V.v.19)
10.19.03 7:30 PM
You blow me
away; it's as if you are a sage at the mere age of 17. How can that be?
This might seem really morbid, but I've been thinking about death a lot since
last October, when Bob died. It's taken me a while, but as much as I fear death
on one level now, on another, I could accept it, and I think, honestly, that if
I were to die now, it would be okay, because even though there's still so much
left to live, I've already lived so much, gotten so much, seen so much -- loved
so much.
I know it's something that will change, evolve, blossom over the future, but I
feel as though I know about life -- or at least my life. No, I don't understand
anything, but no one ever can. I've learned so much, I've had so many amazing
relationships with amazing people and so much inspiration showered upon me...
I've found success and conquered failure, and I know that the difference doesn't
matter but for the way in which I enjoyed the time.
Because what is a rich life, really? When a person dies, she's either lived a
"rich life," or she hasn't had enough time. But what if it was both?
If I were to die now, I surely wouldn't have lived long enough by most standards
-- no love (romantic), no marriage, no chhildren, no job, no college, no life of
my own. Yet at the same time... I've had so much of the life some people never
are able to see. I've had time to wonder about life and humanity, time to
contemplate the minute workings of the world, time to drift upon the macrocosms
of philosophy and the microcosms of reality...
I don't really feel that I'm elucidating myself and my thoughts properly, but I
guess what I'm saying is that I've somehow managed to find myself content with
death, and if for some reason I'm stricken with some terminal illness, I'll be
able to get through it and die peacefully. (No, I'm not ready to be raped in a
highway rest stop and mauled to death.)
I don't necessarily endorse cremation, but I think if I died and I were
cremated, I'd want my ashes scattered at Walden. And I want people to read my
writing at my funeral and find my journals and not be too upset, because I want
them to know that I loved life and that I cherished that gift always.
Those are just my thoughts, triggered by recent deaths and the climax of a long
series of contemplation. Don't think I'm suicidal or anything, because I love
life way too much to ever destroy it. (Besides, I wouldn't have the willpower to
hurt myself!! -- nor the despair upon life.)
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past... 9.22.03 7:53 PM
...but never
letting go of the future...
stand on the meeting of two eternities, which is precisely the present moment
It's amazing how busy my life has become. Truly amazing. So much to do --
school, AAU, college work, job, photos, webpage, dog, everything else and of
course the rigors of living life as I should. It's fun, though. I like being
busy. It invigorates me.
Nirvana 9.15.03 11:45 PM
You are so
young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear
sir, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to
love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written
in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to
you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live
everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without
noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
--Rainer Maria Rilke
And here I stand, on the brink of two eternities... which is precisely the present moment. 9.01.03 5:38 PM
Oh Thoreau, how
dost I love thee... There is a time and a place for everything; just the same
there is a Thoreau for every time and place.
The scariest thing about right now, as I realized while watching You've Got
Mail, is not so much that this is the last day of summer and the first day
of school lies on the not-so-distant-at-all horizon... but indeed the fact that
this is our last last day of summer, and our last first day of
school lies on the not-so-distant-at-all horizon... Oh, how to cope with the
future...
Because it is here, my friends. The future is upon us, and all we can do is
stare ahead, opening our eyes to what is playing out before us, and again we
shall shout out, I'm here. I will do it. Just try me.
The future is ours. Let us go out tomorrow and begin our last days as kids; let
us go out tomorrow and create for ourselves the best senior year possible; let
us go out tomorrow and savor all our beautiful lives have to offer us; let us go
out tomorrow and let us greet the world with a smile -- it's our wonderland...
Our life to shape as we wish -- because that's really all we can do in this
world. Just reach out and grab as much as we can, and yes, just make the best of
it. We're only here for a short time... here today, gone tomorrow... so
let's make it last. Let's make something beautiful.
Here's to the future.
8.24.03 10:05 PM
I can't decide
if I'm a very happy person or a very unhappy person. But I do know that there is
no common ground. The optimist in me says I'm very happy and simply
disillusioned with the world and our way of life. The pessimist says I am very
depressed and trying to get out of it by creating euphorias.
I wonder which is right.
8.21.03 8:39 PM
A ll
B y
C urious
D imensions --
E ver
F ind
G lory
H iding
I n
J est?
K eep
L ying
M y
N aughty
O range
P assion....
Q ueer,
R unning
S o
T imidly
U nder
V iolet
W ings --
X citement
Y ields
Z oning out and losing the world... And I wish I could find it.
The Donkey
& His Lessons to Us
8.11.03 5:48 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried pitifully for
hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the
animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up. Anyway, it just wasn't
worth the effort to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come
over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer
looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt
hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was
amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out
of the pit is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest pit just by never stopping, never
giving up! Just shake it off and take a step up!
Life... or something like it... 8.09.03 11:19 PM
I haven't updated
this in a while, but it's not so much because the thought hasn't possessed me,
nor because I haven't had the time. Indeed, I have had both the thought on
multiple occasions and more time than I could possibly need, even for entries of
my usual qualifications. However, sad to say, I have not updated because I
simply cannot come up with anything worth sharing. My life since my return has
been, in fewer words, dull. I have nothing to do except small things; my larger
attempts at occupation have been thwarted by the annoyances of fate and I have
no desire to launch myself fully into the Bio preparation that presently still
looms above my head.
I want to go back to NYLF. I want to be back with all the kids from Reed, in my
nice big room with Sara, Coleman 117 with our crummy bathroom that had that damn
hand dryer that went off every time you used the right sink. I want to have a
reason to scramble out of bed in the morning, an interesting breakfast,
interesting conversations all day long with interesting people who understand
more about me than maybe I understand about myself. I want to be laughing and
having fun and working with you all again, be it in Tomasso learning how to
suture or at Brown seeing tumors or at the beach shopping, or in Boston watching
the street performer make fun of us. The best thing about those 10 days were
that we had so much to do, so much to keep us moving, yet we had no stress, and
we had so much fun. I hope I can see you all at Thanksgiving, because if I can,
that will honestly be the thing that keeps me going through these next three
months.
I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis already in the form of a mid-summer
crisis. I don't want to be back in school slaving my ass off; the casualty of
summer is nice. But I hate being aimless more than anything. So now, instead of
wishing for a return to juniorism, I pine hopelessly for a return to Reed-ism,
but perhaps, as so often is the case, I remain simply a dreamer, though I know
I'll stay connected to you all forever. And in whichever form it takes, thank
you for sharing yourselves so that we can all feel that we had something
together. Because no matter how crappy things might seem to me right now, for a
few days, we all were all we could be, and damn, it was goooodd!
"I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone..." 7.04.03 4:01 PM
All right, so I
was lying on my bed, listening to some nice sad music (I like sad music, it
makes me winsome but then happy; never question the workings of the mind of me),
and the thought struck me like "A LARGE QUANTITY OF BRICKS" just
precisely how fast time has flown. You all know about my disbelief at my (slash
our) seniority, but it's so odd. Even freshman year seems so far away -- I was
thinking about vocab, and freshman English, and it, and I then, seem so
different. The thing is though, I don't think I'd want to go back to that.
That's the odd thing. As much as I miss the past, I don't know that I'd ever
choose it over the present -- and I suppose by that we all know, most
importantly me, that I am not in fact too addled, that I am actually simply
reflecting [constantly] on what so far seems to have been a well-lived life.
And that, in a bit of a roundabout manner, brings me to my second observation of
recent past. Last night, while watching the fireworks, I actually started crying
after the first couple. I wasn't sure why, but I think it had to do a bit with a
lot of things -- of course, how beautiful they were, because fireworks,
especially good ones, are really astounding. Second I think it was that I so
desperately wished I was there with someone else instead of alone (well I was
with family but THAT doesn't count)... I decided that fireworks have got to be
on the list of top five most romantic things. Honestly, aren't they? I vowed
next year I won't be alone at the fireworks.
But on top of that, something about them -- perhaps the "2003" that
was blazing on the lawn -- just slammed me with the sense of how fleeting time
is. I mean, how many years have I sat there and seen a different date? How many
years have I seen those exact fireworks? How many things have I done so many
times?? Perhaps, then, the overwhelming beauty of the fireworks made me cry
because of the memories, the symbolism of the holiday and how often it passes.
Yet I was also struck while watching the fireworks as to how similar to life
they might just be... You're shot off into the atmosphere, just barely seen, but
watched, because everyone wants to know what you'll be. You explode, BOOM! And
there is a wondrous flash of beauty and light, and noise, and everyone can't
help but to look toward you, and the ends of each of your fronds explodes into
another star whose points explode into pieces, but then you fade, and all that
lingers is the smoke. But perhaps the lucky ones, the ones whom we all aspire to
be, don't live a life that is powerful and majestic for a short time. Perhaps
the lucky ones venture off further into the sky, and they remain as stars, a
blinking beacon for everyone. Or maybe this isn't it, maybe it's not that the
fireworks, the explosion of life, simply do leave a legacy forever, but it isn't
right there for us to see -- instead, it is in memory, the other world... Or,
what I wrote in my ACTUAL journal a couple weeks ago... the next dimension, the
break in the time-space continuum (don't ask; it makes sense to me). So I don't
really know. All I know is that fireworks are beautiful, and life is beautiful,
and I just don't understand how I'm supposed to keep racing along in this life
until I have to turn around and start anew. Because all I really want is just
some more time to savor it all.
Lifehouse "Revolution Cry" 7.03.03 11:12 AM
When passion
takes on a purpose
And searching ones embrace the light
When skeptics find themselves down on their knees
You'll know it's here
When you hear a sound as loud as thunder
And you hear a cry that shakes the ground beneath you
When you hear a shout that shatters the darkness
You'll know it's here
When the lost find a name we're believing in
And the fallen get back onto their feet
And the broken start to dream again
And the sound of hope fills these streets
You'll know it's here
Revolution
Can you feel it
Revolution cry
Revolution
Can you hear it
Revolution cry
And I believe it
And I believe it
How long do we have to wait
And how long will we stay silent
When will this weeping generation dance again
Oh God when will
The truth be restored
When the lost find a name we're believing in
And the fallen get back onto their feet
And the broken start to dream again
And the sound of hope fills these streets
You'll know it's here
Random Inspirations 7.01.03 9:11 PM
1. Blow bubbles barefoot with a
friend in someone's front yard
2. Read a book on the hammock
3. Make lemonade, drink it, and spill half of it on you
4. Run barefoot through a lawn
5. Go swimming (of course)
6. Wiggle your toes in the sand
7. Take a minute to appreciate the tiniest things in the world -- like the
corners of a driveway, or blades of grass
8. Get your license and go cruising with the windows open and music loud enough
that you have to turn it down when you approach people
9. Sunbathe
10. Watch old Audrey Hepburn movies (okay, okay, maybe this is only perfect for
some of us?)
11. Call the people you've been meaning to call for months
12. Do some quality cleaning and organizing
13. Laugh until you almost (mind you, I said almost) pee in your pants
14. Make lots and lots of plans with the people you like seeing
15. Kiss on a beach under the stars
16. Fall asleep outside
17. Think about all the good things about the past year -- and forget about the
bad things
18. Bake a cake and spend the whole afternoon decorating it
19. Eat a LOT of ice cream
20. HAVE FUN!!
**Okay, addendum as of "press time" -- Added 7.23.03
21. Go somewhere very strange and meet new people who you can be your true self with, who understand everything about you and are very similar to you in so many respects, who are just as motivated as you are but just as desperate to hold onto the present, who you can tell everything and anything, who are incredibly fun, who are completely selfless and giving, who are willing to share of themselves and to learn about you, who understand what friendship is and who are, in a word, your kindred spirits.
"We are the normal... We live and we die, with no reason why..." 6.26.03 8:42 PM
There's something
wonderful about summer -- about being able to live at my own pace, without
having to worry about deadlines and work to be done gnawing away at the back of
my mind. It's different than vacations during the year, because at those times,
though there is time to be had, there is still the persistent reminder of so
many things to do, and the need to carefully choose which activities we partake
in and carefully budget our time, because it is so limited.
But now, there's none of that. I have time to lay on my bed and think, or to
spend time with my dog (or even my parents and brothers), I have time to put
everything in my room neatly away, I have time to make myself interesting
lunches and snacks, and to do things with friends and myself. It's amazing,
really.
Yet despite the serenity of all this, I'm still anxious to a certain extent,
because it is in fact that I have no guidelines, no restrictions --
indeed, I have no purpose. I have no reason to go to sleep early to save myself
for the next day ("...hearing voices in my head telling me to get some
sleep, 'cause tomorrow might be good for something..."); I have no reason
to rise and shine bright and early.
I think my frustration with this type of living is partially my personality. I
suppose one might say I am a driven person who needs tasks to keep me going, who
needs something to be doing -- something to work toward.
Even with that, I think there is a deeper meaning to my frustration. I think it
is because with this knowledge of need for a task at hand, I find myself
wondering again about the nature of our lives as human beings, in our
"modern" world. On one hand, people who wake up, go to work, come home
tired, eat, and fall into bed only to start over are perhaps wasting their
lives, for they aren't taking the time to enjoy it, to enjoy the moments of
their lifetime and to find the beauty and wonder.
There are then the people who work only to feed and clothe themselves and to
sustain shelter... These are the people who live only to die -- they want time
to pass more quickly because they have no reason to eye in the future. They are
those who are aware that each moment that ticks by on any clock is one tick on
the countdown of their death.
Then, there are the people who live as I am now. They have no boundaries, they
have no restrictions. These are the jobless -- the so-called "independentally
wealthy" (and don't think I'm insulting people of this status or saying
they don't live life with a purpose, for I know many people of this sort who do
indeed live wonderful lives), or the unemployed. They enjoy their spare time,
they enjoy doing all the things they enjoy, but do they ever taste purpose?
Drive? Motivation? Reason? Are they too, in fact, counting down the days until
purpose -- until death?
It's odd, because right now, I'm torn between wanting the both of my two worlds.
I first want this world I am in now, the world of summer, for there is something
magical about it, about having all the time I need right now to do anything...
And I second want the world of the school year, when I can't go to bed until my
head is pounding and my eyes are drooping, because only then do I finish all (or
most) of what I need to do. But during that time, I have a reason to go to bed
at night; it's a goal. During that time, I have a reason to wake up, to get
moving; I have people to bond with and things to learn.
So which is it? Which do I desire more? Carefree with no purpose? Or entirely
full of purpose, but perhaps losing some meaning?
It is thus that I again ponder our lives in modern society, but I don't know
what solution I would recommend to remedy this situation; I don't know what time
I would bring us back to to change it all.
I think the problem is that in some strange way, I'm still desiring the return
to school, because I feel like I'm wasting so much time in these past few days,
thinking up things to do to occupy my time, sleeping too much (life is too short
to sleep a third of it away into nothingness!), and even thinking too little.
I need to find some sort of mental stimulation, some sort of task to give me
purpose, but overall, I think I need to find my own true thoughts as to what I
desire out of my life at this point. All I know right now is this: time moves
too quickly. My question? Is it for or against our larger good as a species?
I shall embark on a journey to find some answers, somehow.
6.21.03 2:55 PM
I don't know what
to do... Any ideas? I didn't go to bed last night until like 12:15 because I was
just moping around online and doing random stuff, then reading my Walden
journal... Opening that and seeing my grade sheet with that familiar red
writing...
I woke up today at like 10 something, I think. I went downstairs and read the
paper, then sat in a chair in my living room gazing at eternity. I then didn't
want to do anything, so I went back to bed, and half slept, half cried, half
dreamed, till about 12:30 when I took a nice long shower and then I went with my
mom to the dump... I got a book -- Sartre, The Age of Reason. I started
reading it. It's good. And it should be nice and depressing to match my nice and
depressing mood.
You know that line in Memento, "The world doesn't just disappear
when you close your eyes, you know"? I think they said that for me. And it
did disappear when I closed my eyes, I didn't know what was happening around me,
I didn't have to face the reality of what was happening.
I don't think anyone understands quite what I am going through right now... I
don't know if I want anyone to understand. Really, I don't think I
understand...
6.20.03 10:24 PM
For crying out
loud...!
I AM NOT BECOMING A SENIOR. I JUST WAS A FRESHMAN. I JUST WAS AT A PARTY AT THE
END OF THE YEAR HEARING ABOUT SOPHOMORE YEAR. I WAS JUST A SOPHOMORE SAD WITH
THE END OF CHEMISTRY. I WAS JUST A SUMMER CHILD FEARING MY JUNIOR YEAR. I WAS
JUST A JUNIOR CRESTING UPON THE WAVES OF HAPPINESS...!
But ah! --- What am I now?! I was just standing at the end of my driveway,
sobbing and clutching my mom and dad because I was petrified to go to school. I
didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave my comfort. Yet I found a smiling face
on the bus, and thus it goes...
I was just a little kid at the Dover Montessori school drawing the same bright
picture of a house upon a hill with a yellow sun over and over and over again.
I was just five years old and I said I would stay at school all day while my
family moved, but when my mom came for my brother, I had to admit I was wrong. I
wasn't ready to move on.
I was just learning to peel carrots and cucumbers at the table by the wall in
the big room. I was just looking at Andrea's Ninja Turtles jacket. I was just
swimming in the pool and running through sprinklers with Jane and our brothers.
I was just running on the field at Chickering, playing kickball; I was just
crawling into the tires and feeling safe within them; I was just playing by the
four-square with Amory and Sarah and our American Girl dolls.
I was just entering third grade, with Mrs. Braceland and her weird khaki jumper
that makes me forever think of her as a forest ranger. Harold was just knocked
off the bookshelf; I just learned that 6 x 8 is 48; Kristen and Kim and I just
donned our wetsuits to get the dreaded 2 in the eternal game of War; Kristen
just took the panda for her report.
I was just chided by Mr. Harte not to throw scissors (even though I only tossed
them from my hand to the floor); we just walked through the Outdoor Classroom,
walking on the frozen rivers, and I just fell in the snow. I was just a Maypole
dancer in the Medieval festival, but we messed up.
I just spent recess inside with Kim making birthday cards for Mrs. Jefferson --
I finally got my smiley face right. And Mr. O'Brien finally got me to understand
long division. And the four-square games are still going.
I just got my big letter D for graduating from the band. All the teachers were
sad to see us go. We spent a day on the fields with our t-shirts down to our
knees. I popped my balloon, but only after everyone else did.
I just laughed at Jackie's silly flowered shoes; I just closed locker 199
outside of Mrs. McDonald's room 202. I just got asked to the dance, I just
cowered under the basketball hoop because I was too afraid to dance.
I just threw a hissy fit and had a breakdown because there weren't enough pink
pieces of paper for the 100 dollar bills for my history project. I just opened
my locker and my math book fell on Kristen's head, and she was mad at me. I just
found the best case for my pens, I just got the last Gelly Roll pen. I just
spent 3 hours writing my Science notes for Mr. Chaves; I just melted Rome with
Kaitlin...
I just sat through endless hours of 3rd period Science with Mrs. Wieder,
uncomfortable because I didn't like the class. I just spent long hours in the
computer lab with Danita working on my stories for English; I just tried to kill
a fly for an hour in Latin class that wouldn't die; I just was at my bat
mitzvah...
I just swirled around in the chairs at Concepts, with just me and Kim and
Kristen and Kaitlin in there, because they're closed on Mondays. I just smiled
for an hour at flashing cameras, I just danced under the crepe ribbons in the
gym, happier than I'd been in so long. I just sat on the stairs of the middle
school while everyone around me signed yearbooks, staring at the clouds, and
wondering when I would ever be so happy again. I just said my tearful goodbyes
to teachers and friends.
I just was at the Big Brother/Big Sister lunch eating pizza and commenting on
the infamous Mr. King... I just stayed after school with Ms. Pietruska to get
help on my English paper and I just spun DNA beads in Bio... I just crossed the
log 20 feet into the air in Wellness, I just went to Hershey, Pennsylvania, and
waited for hours to play, then went on the roller coaster in the midst of an
adreneline rush, terrified but laughing hysterically at the picture of me the
auto-camera took.
I just spent my mornings sprinting across the Dover commons, splashing Bea with
watercolors and practicing our *N Sync dance in the hot rooms of CRS with Emily
and Alex and Amy and Colby, I just got the worst rug burn on my foot from doing
a split on the carpet. I just went sailing to Nantucket with Whitney...
I just did everything wrong in Chemistry, I just did everything right. I just
spent days after school with Ms. Cotz practicing Algebra; I just sat riveted in
my basement watching the tv and watching the towers fall... I just spent hours
being annoyed at Viz for not teaching us the material...
I just got carsick from trying to learn the presidents with Jackie in the back
of my mom's car... I just went to New Hampshire and spent hours curled up in a
chair in my flannel pj's and sweatshirt trying to get through "Lies My
Teacher Told Me" and playing pool.
I just came home and sobbed on my bed because I didn't want the year to begin; I
didn't want summer to be over; I didn't want to face what was ahead of me. I
just lounged in my basement reading The Things They Carried for English
and crying over the water buffalo. I just learned about the Sons of Liberty in
History, I just stayed after school for weeks planning Seminar Day. I just
started driving; I just took midterms; I just got snowed in in New York... I
just saw Daredevil with my brother and mom, I just didn't sleep the night before
SATs, I just broke down in the middle of them. I just went on a long car trip
all around to see schools; I just came early every morning to school for history
review. I just took three APs, I just went to the prom. I just burned the
Aeneid, I just laid in the snow watching, I just sat in the back seat of the bus
writing on my paper that was damp from the snow. I just wrote about how happy I
was and how much I loved after watching Harold and Maude, I just quoted Thoreau
in my pillow book. I just made my webpage, I just started my Physics term paper,
I just started my guitar. I just went to Montreal, I just stayed up too late
because I was writing about Walden, I just went to Walden and took so many
pictures and wanted to stay there forever. I just was at the band concert, I
just began to realize that I wouldn't be able to handle the end, I just played
at graduation and was so happy for all my friends but so lost... I just wept on
the last day of classes so many times, I just did it all... I just ended...
I just can't leave it all behind...
Why does Time have to pass so quickly? Why, as Anne says, do people have to grow
up -- and change? Why can't everything remain as it is? Why must we know it
cannot, should not?
How do I move forward without losing all that is behind me...?
6.20.03 10:16 PM
Oy, I thought I
was going to be able to move into summer... I really believed I was going to be
able to. But every time I think of it, I get so upset, even still. I hate not
having things to do. I hate not having deadlines, I hate wasting time... I need
to be busy, I need to have a purpose... I need my routine, I need that
environment that I thrive in, that environment which gives rise to my soul and
to my happiness.
See, I don't really want all this. I want to be able to mourn the passing
of time and its joys, but I don't want to be constantly plagued by all this
sorrow -- I don't want to always be moaning about my sadness. Yet, this is how I
am now, so perhaps I say to you, deal with it and accept me or please leave me
alone.
I got my pictures back today, the rest of the band trip pictures and the ones
from graduation. Oh, and a couple prom ones my mom took. I dunno, none of them
are that great. I'm really mad because I took a picture at graduation of Alden
and Caleb and Mike and Mr. Cannon but I didn't get it back. I remember
distinctly taking it -- it was the last picture on my roll and then it started
winding, so perhaps it got eaten because it was at the end somehow? But I know
other last pictures I have taken and I have gotten them. So I don't know. It's a
really mean twist of fate.
O, how do I deal with this? I don't know what to do to occupy my time! There
should be so much running to greet me in my open atmosphere, yet the only thing
running in my atmosphere right now is the past, running away from me.
Someone, please save me from my misery... Someone, please bring me back to the
past...!
And thus I bid you adieu... 6.20.03 10:41 AM
...And the era
that was my junior year has now been closed. The worst part of this is that in
fact, I feel no happiness at its closure, because right now the reality of the
end of working has not set in, while the reality of the end of the beauty
remains... My feelings remain pure, but, paradoxically, I do not wish for purity
at this point. Perhaps impurity would be more comforting. Actually, though, on
second thought -- I think the purity of separation is okay, because when the
second reality sets in, I will still hold onto the happiness and fondness for
this year, and this tremendous grief I am experiencing with its passing pulls my
eyes open even wider to the value of it all. Again, I can take a step back from
this and smile with the beauty and the happiness of a life going as it should...
aside from its end...
As Mr. Potts said, I put down roots.... But I don't need to rip up the tree,
which is what I think I fear happening. Instead, I will maintain those roots,
and allow the tree of my life to grow on and on and on forever into eternity.
So our human life but dies down to its root, and still puts forth its green
blade to eternity...
A bit of a true journal... 6.19.03 7:22 PM
"And the
goodbye makes the journey harder still... What will you leave us this
time?"
I should really get back to studying for my math final, but at this point, there
is only so much I can do toward that end until I reach the point where I have
the obligation to myself to somehow come to terms with this all. I have not done
that yet; I cannot say I have come to the point when I can look upon an end and
smile with fondness. Instead, I can only say that now the very thought of the
end fills my eyes with tears and my throat with that feeling that it just might
stay open… Yes, beginning to think of this has caused two tears to squeeze out
of my eyes, one on each side, and now a second… My math papers are stained
with tears of the afternoon, my face streaked with the memory of sadness.
And to be honest, I don’t exactly know the precise reason for my being
overcome by such enormous grief. I realized my emotions right now are those of
death – if someone died I would be always on the brink of sobbing and not
willing to do anything. Yet no one has died. Nothing has happened but me wanting
more than anything to go back in time, to relieve these past few months all over
again, pain and stress and all – all the painful moments I would suffer over
if only it meant I could return to those happy ones. And this is where I think I
am wronging myself; I think I should be recalling all the happiness with joy
that I was able to reach such points and anticipation of the next, and hope that
the next time around I might be able to do it all without such struggle.
Yet perhaps it is the fact that I know I can’t go back. Perhaps it is the fact
that English as it was is gone forever, and Mr. Cannon won’t even be around as
a reminder. Perhaps it is the end, and looking back on this I miss it… Perhaps
I regret not savoring those moments enough. Or perhaps it’s just that I know I
did, and that time is just racing along, and I can do nothing to stop it –
that when I want the moments to pass they can’t move, but when I want them to
last forever they last for not even the blink of an eye before they are gone. I
remember thinking so many times this past fall that I would come to a time in
the spring, or during finals, and be amazed by how far distant the beginning of
the year was – but I am not. My last day of school is tomorrow, and the first
day seems so close that maybe it was yesterday… except that I was a different
person. I came home on the first day of school and cried my heart out because of
fear of the year and terror that it wouldn’t be fun. Tomorrow is the last day
and I cry because it was the best year of my life, that it was the most fun,
that I didn’t do poorly but in fact did so very well.
This is such a great sense of loss… and it is so painful. And perhaps the
worst part about it is that though I’ve gained so much – the ability to be
able to write these words… even to think them – I still am so far away. I
cannot say them, I cannot say what I feel still needs to be said, and all I can
do is sit here and sob by myself. There are so few people who understand this,
what I am feeling right now, and I can’t even talk to them, spill the words of
my soul… Again I close myself from the world and remain an enigma to so many
who would be able to understand me, or at least a part of me.
And the thing about this is the passing of time. Perhaps again it is the
realization that next year I will be a senior in high school, and that year will
pass as quickly as this one will, and then my days of high school will all be
over… my youth will be over, and there will be no return to childhood. Instead
it will be college alone, and the future staring me down. As much as I know it
will be wonderful, and that I have in my power the ability and desire to make it
as perfect as I can, I don’t want to grow up! I want to stay like this,
as I am. I want more time to discover, I want more time to laugh hysterically, I
want more time to dream about the future before I have to live it. I want
more time…!
And now, so late in grand scheme of my life, why do I begin to feel like I made
so many mistakes? Why am I feeling like I should have listened to myself, been a
stronger person, and done this from the beginning? …And now, why are all my
words coming out as regrets? I am not full of regret, only sorrow. I want to
stay tucked away in the safety of recent months forever. That’s all, because
they were beautiful… oh, so beautiful.
But there is so much more to do! So much more to see, to learn, to experience!
And I do want to do that. Oh, why can I not be one soul in two bodies at once?
Stay in the past, but also experience the future? Ah, this is as Thoreau said,
and this is precisely that moment where I stand on the meeting of two
eternities, past and future. Which do I want more?
And I fear for the world, I really do. I’m afraid that we will lose the
precious little beauty we have left, the few conscious people, and the hatred
won’t stop, the killing and dying won’t stop. I’m afraid of death, not the
unlived life as Maude said, because I have lived my life; I am living my life,
and thus it follows that I fear death.
I need some sort of closure from this all, and I don’t know how to obtain it.
I’ve had the kind words from the teachers I care about; I have the pathway of
reason all worked out in my mind. Yet in my heart, I am so lost and so confused.
I’m not ready to move on, to face what’s next. The anticipation is all I can
handle right now. I’m not ready to leave this behind, to enter the next
stage… I still need to be done with this one, and I don’t know how to do
that. Maybe I’m not letting myself, because maybe I’m just holding on too
tightly to what I had because I loved it so much. But even if that is so, I
still don’t know what to do about it. I’m afraid to lose my happiness, my
confidence, myself…
----------------------------------------<
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your daddys best jeans
Denim Blue fading up to the sky
And though you want him to last forever
You know he never will
You know he never will
And the patches make the goodbye harder still
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
There'll never be a better chance to change your mind
And if you want this world to see a better day
Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride the great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last forever
You know you never will
You know you never will
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time?
Last updated: Not sure, probably around the time of the first entry on this page. ; )
If you want to read more, which, I will warn you, consists mainly of mindless ramblings, you can go visit my Blurty at http://www.blurty.com/~juliars123