Title: Open Letter

To whom it may concern:
For reasons that only Lisa knows, she is maintaining radio silence with both myself and another recently hired Costco employee. I fear the worst -- namely that she has killed by a vigilant band of hyenas and her body has been left to return to the earth in a ditch somewhere. Having forgotten her wallet, she will possess no identification and when a vagrant (let's call her Crazy Sally) discovers her she will be unable to figure out what she's found. Undaunted, Crazy Sally (or Crazy as her friends like to call her) will figure that she will not be harmed if she takes the shoes of some unidentified body. The papers will read "Shoeless babe discovered in ditch" and for days no one will claim the body since Lisa would never be caught dead without some sort of stylish shoes on. But then, her friends will be suspicious. "Lisa never disappears without checking her email at least ten times a day," her friends will say. "She hasn't responded to my questions in five minutes!" Another will exclaim. "Something is definitely wrong!" They will finally shout. With these grave revelations, they will all decide to go out looking for Lisa. One will spot Crazy and in return for package of used Kleenex, Crazy will tell everyone that she found the shoes on a body in the ditch and mention it may have been in the papers. As the band of LisaFriends rally round the police station shouting "No, it can't be true" one brave soul will go to identify her hyena-ravaged body. The only means of identification, the $10.99 tank top she purchased on her first visit to Costco. They will mourn for ages wondering why she was wandering around without her id in the first place. Then the answer will come: she ran away because she was ashamed she wasn't hired by Costco. If only she had told her friends this news. They would have told her that it was okay and there were many other avenues, like prostitution, that she could use to pay her way in the summer.

Why, oh why, do good things happen to bad people?
Why isn't the city doing anything about our wild hyena population?
Why didn't anyone see that I was ridiculously over-tired and pull me away from this keyboard before I made a fool of myself?

No matter.

Good night Lisa and friends, where ever you are.

Title: Open Letter II

For reasons that only they know, Lisa and Stephanie chose not to attend Joel's farewell bash at Rosie O'Grady's Eatery and Pub. I fear the worst -- namely that they have been swept away by none other than Michael Jackson and his band of molested children. Having misplaced their back-up singer creditials, Lisa and Steff will be forced to clean the Neverland animal cages and eat Michael's leftovers to earn their keep and survive. One day, Michael will hear Lisa humming the tune of the classic Divynils "I Touch Myself," and will instantly believe that his only chance at a comeback lies in getting TheGirls to sing in his latest CD entitled "Crazy Sally eats used Kleenex to Survive (and you can too!)" Initially Steff and Lisa will protest. "There is no way we'll sing this crap," they will scream. "I'd rather die!" they will holler as they clean Michael's favourite monkey, Spanky. Of course, as all of Michael's good servants, they will soon break down and be happy to sing in MJ's comeback CD. In fact, all they will think about is singing his cheesy child-molester songs. They will happily dress in leather pants and barely-there tops during Michael's world-wide come-back tour. Of course all good things must come to an end. As they reach the north american leg of the tour, they will make a stop in their former professor's home town of Ottawa and be shocked back into awareness as he blows his orange whistle at MJ's concert. Screaming, they will catapult eachother from the stage and curse the day they were born. Then they will think back to what got then into this mess in the first place. Stephanie will say, "If only I had dumped my boyfriend 3 days ago." Lisa will say, "If only I had not sniffed so many paint fumes and run into my lovers arms and whistle years ago." Then as if by some magical cue they will both scream, "If only I had gone to Joel's party. This never would have happened." And they will realize that they don't deserve Joel's help although he'll probably still give it to them anyway.

Why oh why isn't this as funny as it should be (at the end)?
Why did $40 fall from my pocket tonight? I could have used it!
Why don't I go to bed? Church is in 5 hours.

Peace out, where ever you are

Julianna

Title: Apology extraordinaire

Joel,

I realize I left you a very "nasty" message. I hope you can forgive me. Maybe if I tell you the events of the evening you will be able to look past my major inadequacies and see it in your heart to tell help us study.

It all started when I stepped off the bus on the way to work. I noticed a girl in a car and she looked like the tempting temp I'm trying to get to wink at Jason (I'm very close, her wink has improved greatly since I took her under my wing). Anyway, I notice this girl going to park close to the store (we're supposed to let the members park close and walk from far) and where does she park but in a handicapped spot. So I run over to tell her that's definitely wrong. So she starts screaming at me. Gross unintelligence is a handicap, she tells me. Not being someone to lose face in front of a stupid temp (sorry Lisa and Steff), I immediately retort "Your momma" and storm off into the night (I mean warehouse). So I get to thinking. I still haven't put that bitch in her place. Then I continue thinking. She'd only be allowed to park there if she's handicapped. I'll give her something to be handicapped about. I stare at my prey for moments, pondering how to approach the situation. I am told I have a staring problem by a rude member and I proceed to bitch slap him. With this triumphant momentum, I take a running leap at the "handicapped" temp and break both her arms and a rib for good measure. Soon the police have Costco surrounded and I'm asked to sign a disclaimer because I'm going to be on a prime-time episode of Cops. My wits are still about me. The "cop" who's supposed to be restraining me stops at the Tim Horton's to grab a 20 pack of timbits and a large french vanilla capuccino. This is my only chance, I think. I did what any sane person would have done in this situation. I told him a funny story and he laughed so hard capuccino came out of his nose. As he attempted to get the situation under control I escaped into the night (really this time, not the warehouse). Then I made my way home by train, plane, and automobile (not necessarily in that order). Then I remembered that you were supposed to send me the goods so I checked my email, but to my dismay, there was nothing. When I spoke to Lisa, she told me that you had left right after your exam and Stephanie said the same. (I, on the other hand, was sure you were leaving the 18th but with 2 to 1 odds, I was outnumbered). So when I got to Lisa's house and still no word, I decided to leave you an "irate" message (come on, it was a bad night as you can see) then since you were obviously on your way to Saskatchewan (according to Lisa and Stephanie), I thought it would be humourus to include a love Julianna at the end so I phoned back but you picked up the phone and, well, you know the rest. Blame it on whoever, but, please, oh please, give me the info you know.

My future rests in your hands.

Humbly and respectfully yours,

Julianna "the police still had my brain" Nowaczek

Title: Something's Different

Oh, since Wednesday a cold, dark shadow has been upon Ottawa. The leaves have lost the little green they had and the grass has turned a straw yellow. A cold winter chill has entered the air, and I for one am left wondering why. Why, oh, why, is everything less vibrant since Wednesday? What so catastrophic happened that day?

And let's not forget the statues that are being erected left, right, and centre in the last few days. What's up with that?

Of course, as usual, I have a theory for these and plenty of other mysterious happenings (as in Lisa studying ALL the time and Stephanie doing all the crazy stuff she does and me expelling warm sweet liquid out of my nasal passages). I believe that Viagra, king of the Monkey World "HardLong" has finally created his splendid space travel machine which is just outside the watchful view of the Hubble Space Telescope (which secretly helps aliens anally probe unsuspecting American hick farmers, by the way) but close enough to wreak havoc with the earth's electro-magnetic field. This chaos is doing weird things like reversing earth's polarity, and turning spring into winter. But, I digress.

The statues are even easier to explain. They are being built in honour of none other than Joel B. (EIC) whose desire and need to get home early garnered us a glimpse into our futures. Thank you Joel for your tireless efforts in aiding the team. You took one for us and for that we are forever grateful. Do not be alarmed if on your return flight to Ottawa you see glowing yellow masses, they are just the many solid gold statues built in your likeness which will greatly enhance the now wintry scenery.

Hey, wait a minute. Didn't you leave Wednesday? Maybe it's not King Viagra after all. I know. Your sunny disposition was responsible for the glorious spring. Come back. Come back! We need you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope this has brightened all your days.

Julianna - Five more days until my birthday. Aren't you all excited? I am.