Although I'm undecided about this background colour, I'm going to keep it b/c I'm being lazy. Just thought you'd want to know why I'm being pink, yo!
Lots of crazy things have been happening lately. A fitting example (oh I'm punny) occurred on Friday when I bought the most spectacular pants. When I came out of the change room to show my number one fashion consultant my fantabulous outfit, I was greeted by an elderly woman's saggy breasts being tenuously held in check by a black lace bra. Needless to say I dove back into my room for a laugh and my partner in crime ran away to do the same. Some ppl! I'd go into detail about the rest of my weekend, but then I'd probably get myself into trouble...
Today was no less bizarre. I was waiting at the bus stop and this girl rode by on her bike. Nothing happened. Then she comes by again (I think she was going around and around and around the block) only this time she has a pained look on her face. I have left the whole sidewalk open for her, but she's still heading right for me. I feel like I have a target on my front so I sidle over a bit more (almost into the road I might add). Just as she's about to side swipe me two boys on their much larger bicycles go by on the sidewalk I expected her to use. I almost felt bad for the little girl, but I was too busy thinking about the cosmic coincidence that had us all in the same place at the exact same time. That and being mad at those fuckers for riding on the sidewalk. They should know better, damn it!
Not one minute later, a ten year old boy and a girl pass by. The girl is rolling/dragging a rusty red wagon and the boy is carrying a fish tank complete with algae-infested water and a cute speckled goldfish. The boy is cussing up a storm mostly b/c some of the cloudy water sprayed up and got into his mouth. I watch the pair curiously as he lays the fish tank at the front of the well-used wagon and she sits in the back. She notices my stares and says, "Please excuse his language." It took all my energy not to laugh in her face. I mumbled, "Oh, that's quite alright," and they soon rolled away.
Just so everyone knows, DSS means Designated Semen Sucker not something about the secret service as previously imagined.
The Verbal Almost-Quote of the Week:
"I'll have a mushroom burger with a side order of your mom, please."
Email Quote of the Week:
"as i watched you both drive away, i cried a little tear.
a tear of goodbye.
and then i drank some water, and it was good."
So I'm super tired and have decided to get six hours of sleep before a wonderful work day. Here are some links and then I bid you adieu sir.
Grope-y goodness?
Nothing quite like having a horny alligator mate with you...
Bill Clinton as you've never seen him before.
Nothing like being groped by a stranger. I guess we did ask him politely...
So Turriffic lives in a dumpster and I visit her there. Do you have a problem with that?
100% genuine Ottawa hooker. If you look closely you can see her wifebeater-clad pimp in the background.
So that's really it. I could put up the pic where Mike looks as if he's fingering himself, but since he's super cool I won't. I'll just talk about it and you can draw your own conclusions. Good night. June 25, 12:29 AM.
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It's been a few days. You deserve an update. I'm going to give the public it wants. I've got tons of stories, but I am barely able to keep my eyes open so they'll have to wait. I will tell you this - I'm going to be drinking for a few days straight and it will be good. I will not update (well, maybe i will with an equally drunken turriffic), but rest assured I will be alive and celebrating our nation's birthday. Here is the only story I wish to impart.
So my sister decides to take my niece to some kid's birthday party. Only problem is this party is all the way out in Kanata. (That's far for the uneducated masses.) She has to take the bus out there and Tamasha is unimpressed with this as later evidenced when she told my mom the following:
"We went to one bus stop and then another bus stop and then ANOTHER ONE!
I don't like bus stops..."
And I'm spent. June 30, 12:28 AM.
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Well friends, it is currently 28 degrees outside (35 with the humidex) and damned hot for those of us not blessed with air conditioning. It would be unbearable, only I bought a new fan and just discovered that while I thought it was set on high, it was really on medium. I have rectified the situation and am now very happy. Maybe I'll sleep more than three hours uninterrupted. Hey, at least it was better than two nights ago when I couldn't sleep more than 15 minutes without waking up and thinking I was in hell. God it's hot.
But enough about the stupid weather. In a few days it'll be back to normal and all will be well with my world. Let me check my trusty notebook to see what you must know about my exceptional existence.
Canada Day (and pre-Canada Day) were a blast. With Turriffic, Moses, and TheTourist, how could it not have been? There were other bit players, but they didn't get me water by tipping an underage slave labourer ten cents so they don't count so much. The alcohol helped as did the fact that I didn't have to work.
So Turriffic and I leave the group b/c we have early morning meetings (damn the man). I believe everyone else cries upon our departure, but that's only speculation and probably bang on b/c I just know these things. We get on the 1 Billings Bridge and take a well-deserved seat. I may have cut off a small child to get it, but those are the breaks. The air on the bus is stagnant. We aren't moving b/c of the throngs of ppl trying to escape Parliament Hill post fireworks (they were pretty good this year, by the by). Soon we're dripping beads of sweat and discussing the finer points of crochet (or not. The word may have been crotches. My drunken scrawl is hard to decipher sometimes...)
In any case, we're sitting and the bus starts moving. Then the honkey bus driver comes on the PA and is like, "So, I heard on other buses, not necessarily this one, that ppl particularly at the back of the bus, were singing songs and the like." Next thing you know the whole bus is singing and making Turriffic and I very, very angry and almost deserving of the moniker "Team Hell." As the drunken masses have forgotten all but a few of the words to other Canadian-pride type songs, the foul singing ends and we breath a collective sigh of relief. However, it doesn't end there.
About ten minutes later, some fools get it into their heads to sing the French version of the national anthem. They fail miserably and revert to English.
ps: I want to die at this point. Probably Turriffic as well, although I can't speak for her. Oh wait. Yes I can. She had a death wish at this time as well. As the masses go into the chorus "This land was made for you and me," I silently curse the bus driver for inciting the crowd to sing and almost inciting me to violence (would definitely have killed him if there hadn't been so many icky, sweaty human beings in the way).
As the last chords of a bad Canadian song medley die down, I believe the rest of the trip will be uneventful. I am wrong. An older man turned his back to me and proceeded to rub his ass on my arm in time with the bus' starts and stops. It was unintentional, but totally disgusting. At this point I realize two things:
1) I hate my fellow man
2) Patriotic fervour does not touch me in the least.
I think that's a good synopsis of events. As per usual, the other pieces of my weekend are not fit for public consumption just in case web sites are admissable as evidence in court. There were more socially acceptable happenings, I'm just too tired to write about them. I can say this, though. Ketchup is good. Especially restaurant ketchup. Something about the smell and it's need to be on my side of the table. That is all on that matter.
Quotes of the Week (mostly from movies)
"But a nickel is a 10 cent-er, right?" - name withheld to protect her reputation. Okay, you twisted my arm. It's Turriffic.
"You'd better act right before you get smacked right, bitch." - Bad Company
"Get in the car, bitch." - Bad Company
"You trying to psychologize me, bitch." - a movie. Most probably Dangerous Minds
"So it's 'Pootie Tang' tonight..." - Idiot working on Friday night at Blockbuster
"Capashaw!" "Sadatay!" "Sine your pitty on the runny kine." - Pootie Tang
Well kind sirs and madams, that's enough of me being conscious for today. July 4, 12:56 AM.
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Something about other ppl's utterly insensitive stupidity gives me headaches. Headaches that last 14 or so hours, no matter how many thousands of milligrams of ibuprofen I've pumped into my system. My right eye isn't working so well and I'm still really pissed about the pants I ripped but I'll get over it.
What? You haven't heard about the pants incident? Well, let me tell you about it...
So I'm sitting on the couch watching an excellent episode of Seinfeld and I look down b/c something seems to have tickled my arm. I am greeted by the sight of a huge ass spider crawling towards my head. At this moment, I am perched on the couch with my legs under me in a weird, yet comfortable position. My immediate reaction is to jump up which I do only I hear a dramatic ripping noise the second after I manage to extricate myself. I was unimpressed to say the least.
I have taken to writing down funny incidents at work in order to impart them to you, my great audience. Oh, who am I kidding? You, my four friends. And the periodic hangers-on who flit through my life too. You count, I suppose although you don't usually get this far. Kudos to you if you did.
Here's stuff of interest that happened yesterday:
1) A woman with purple roots went through my cash. As in her hair roots and not weird tubers she was buying. I think that she attempted to dye her hair black over another colour that had grown out, only the dye didn't take so well on the top and turned her hair purple for about an inch. She looked ridiculous. I almost got her autograph...
2) This other woman watched me pack her stuff for like ten minutes. It was unbelievable. The man after her almost started helping me pack so we could get that bitch outta there. I think I heard her chuckle as I scrambled to cram all her shit in. She was smiling in a condescending fashion which totally infuriated me. I could have killed her, but I think that's a criminal offense or something. I also may have lost my job if I'd done that.
3) The most ludicrous thing was this guy asked me if I could take a coupon off a completely unrelated item. He had the coupon for three dollars off a case of V-8 Splash and he asked me if it worked on Orange Crush. I considered giving him an are-you-serious?!? look, but thought it would be lost on him. Instead I deadpanned a flat no. He bought the Crush anyway and when he recounts the story to all his "cool" friends, I'm sure he'll say something to the effect of "well, at least I tried. hehe..." A very stupid member indeed.
Speaking about work, I have to head there soonish. So long, compadres.
July 5, 3:48 PM.
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I think I downloaded about forty Tragically Hip songs in the last hour. I have to prep for their concert. I was totally unprepared for Blue Rodeo. This cannot happen again.
In other news, I've decided the rest of this update should be blue. So it is written. So it shall be done.
I think I changed fundamentally recently. None of my friends seem to mind, so I guess that's a good thing. I just seem different. Maybe it's the bovine growth hormone. Probably not b/c I don't take them. I've had enough introspection. Let's move on to Costco stories. I know you can't get enough of those!
Here's the best story ever. Actually it's not so much a story, but it is Costco related. Today I was called away from my cash. Laurie, my coworker, says to me, "Julianna, Doug wants to see you in the office. NOW." So obviously I'm racking my brain trying to think about what it could be. I come up with nothing since, as we've already ascertained, I'm a stellar employee. So he sits me down and says, "Someone decided to give you a raise. So sign here and you can go back to work." I say, "So, when is it effective?" and he says, "I don't know... how about immediately?" I concur. So it is written. So it shall be done. This means that now I will be getting about $100 a month extra just for being me. It's wonderful. I'm very happy about it.
You know when someone just looks off? Well there was this woman who was at Costco for what seemed like hours. She looked weird, but I couldn't place it. Not until she came through my cash that is. I look up and notice she's wearing a weird blue track suit with a neck warmer-esque thing. Upon closer inspection, I see the neck warmer is holding in the hugest goiter I have ever seen. I just pictured her telling her friends she can't go out tonight b/c she's babysitting her new best friend. Only it's not a pimple (like on that commercial), but a goiter half the size of her head...
That same day, I was coming back from the floor and this guy comes up to me. He looked very expectant like I had something that he wanted. Badly. For a split second I was confused and possibly a little scared until I realized that I did indeed have what he wanted - the butter I went to get for him in the first place.
That day was quite eventful actually b/c I've got one more story to impart. At the end of the night, I'm passing by this woman as she's about to leave the warehouse. She catches my eye and says, "You know, it's a really nice outside right now. You should probably take a walk tonight. You know, if you boyfriend thinks it's a good idea." I don't know what to make of her 17th Century remark so I mumble, "Maybe I will..." and run off to laugh. And laugh I did.
Here's the last Costco-related story of the night. I have to write them on the web site before I lose the little scraps of paper I've jotted them down on (so as not to forget these little gems). This morning I had to take the bus to work. I also had to arrive 50 minutes early thanks to the wonderful thing I like to call the Sunday schedule. That is beside the point. About three stops after mine, this very pleasant older woman (let's call her Jean, only add 20 years and a lot of cuteness) boards the bus. She's a super old lady and she smiles at all the ppl as they pass her by and find their own seat. As I sat waiting and looking at her periodically, I couldn't help but think that she looked happy to be alive. Then I thought she damn well should be at her advanced age. It was at that moment that I felt Satan take my soul b/c I certainly wasn't using it...
Okay, enough Costco stories for today. Last night we're in the car after Bluesfest (we being Dave, Lisa, Mike and I) and I say something potentially offensive about the hoodlums in the car next to us at a stop light. So Lisa says, "SHHH!!! The window's open. You're going to get us gangbanged!" So everyone looks at eachother and then we all proceed to burst out laughing. She obviously meant beaten up by the gang members, but what she said means something completely different...
Too many words.
Warning Nuclear Family
I got side-tracked, okay.
July 8, 1:32 AM.
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You know what you need right about now? Links. That is all.
"Like the gentle warm summer air, the refreshing smell of home cooking, or a dream of living a clean healthy lifestyle."
"I always have reached the satisfaction so fast." Nothing says loving like asking the internet doctor about your sexual problems...
Yet another game I can become hopelessly addicted to.
I'm really glad to hear that men and boys who love eachother have an association to fight for their freedom of expression. Or not. ICK.
Learn about Operation Infinite Purity. Now.
Not as many as I thought there were. I apologize in advance. And now to get read for work. Or a rousing game of mend my pants.
July 8, 1:10 PM.
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