See, there isn't anything to be seen. Why the hell did you click?

You want to know why I think you clicked. I would like to imagine that it's some sort of perverse interest in me but it probably has more to do with you. You just had to know what was here. Well, superficially nothing, but underneath plenty b/c I believe this will be my rant page.

I kind of feel like crying tonight and since I have always been lacking in this crying thing ppl all seem to do, I have to do something to quelch the urge. I don't know where this urge comes from. Well, probably I do. You see, there are many factors. For one, my coworker's son just died in a car accident. He was only seventeen. At first, I was worried b/c I started thinking about how anyone could die so easily. Then I found out through the papers that he got electrocuted after crashing a stolen car into power lines. Then I was mad. His mom must be devasted. I'm even devasted. Sure it's cool to do crazy things occasionally but not too crazy. Not so crazy they could lead to death. I don't know where I was going with that, but it disturbed me and perhaps got me thinking about my life.

You see, I don't seem to connect with anyone on an interpersonal level. I mean, I have ppl who say they're my friends, but do they give a shit about me? Will they be there when I really need them? I thought I could count on some ppl but recently I was let down in what I thought was a crisis at the time. Sure, if you're doing something you deem is more important don't call me back or respond, but don't tell me later you saw/heard my message and couldn't be bothered to respond and, oh I don't know. Someone gets ahold of me in crisis and I'm there. I call within 30 seconds, I drive over right away. Why don't I deserve such loyalty? When I have a problem, why doesn't anyone bother to listen to it rather than dismiss it? Take this journalism/school thing - I'm scared to death. I hate school but I totally don't want to work at Costco for the rest of my life, although it would offer much money and security which I definitely lack right now. Who can I talk to about this - no one! I'm typing to my fucking computer that's what I'm doing!!!!!!!!!!!! Will I feel better? I don't know. Will I work things out for myself? I sure as hell hope so b/c no one will be there to talk to me about it.

Am I hoping that someone will find this? To that I must say yes. To me, that will mean that someone actually cared enough to check out what more than meets the eye meant. Am I holding my breath that that will happen - no fucking way b/c I'll probably die before that happens. I'm like yesterday's news, thrown underfoot with all the other trash. Her, oh she's a few laughs, but don't call her or really care about what she's doing unless you need her to listen to your problems or crazy schemes or fill up some time until something better rolls around.

Every time I try to break out the interpersonal stuff, ppl change the subject, talk for a second then drop me like a sack of shit. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MARIA??????? I understand ppl grow apart, but it doesn't happen overnight! All of sudden I'm a bane on her existance. I totally don't understand that. Maybe I totally don't understand anything.

Want some more happy news? I didn't get the Costco scholarship. No sirree, it seems that I'm not intelligent enough to receive money from Costco Wholesale. I can just imagine my application being cast aside, much like the trash I have apparently become. It hurts!

I don't remember the last time someone told me I was great (well, except my dad, but he totally doesn't count). I say that to ppl on a semi-regular basis. Everyone deserves to hear it even if they're not always great. They've got to be great at something. I also tell ppl they're my hero all the time, but maybe the words have lost all meaning. Maybe my life has lost all meaning if it had any to begin with. Now, don't get scared by my crazy rant. I'm not going to do anything stupid (as others have put it). I'm scared to death of, well, death so I will not be "doing anything stupid". Just in case more than my immediate family cares about me (minus my mega-bitch sister of course) I will not die until something fatal is thrust upon me. I used to think about it in junior high b/c I thought it would punish the idiots who were pissing me off but it would be a worse punishment for me b/c I wouldn't have had the opportunity to plod on until the bitter end. Although Costco thinks that I'm part of the rabble, I am still in possession of logic and it tells me that no one wins if I go waydowntown.

Yeah, so that's about it for tonight. I seem to be an annoyance to everyone. Most don't return my calls/emails promptly... why bother since I'll always be there for you when you need me, right? So, does this mean I'll be turning down going out when ppl talk to me. No, b/c I can't just hang out at my house all the time. I'd be an even bigger loser than sometimes I think I am. Even the "losers" in high school all banded together. They had something that I have not found. People who they can say anything to. Ppl that they feel truly comfortable with. Ppl that will do stupid things with them like go to the park at 3 AM or talk comfortably about nothing for hours and hours. Ppl that they can trust and count on. Ppl who will call when they say they will, who'll be around when we've made plans. Ppl who, I don't know. The list goes on. Every time I think ppl fit the criteria, they just don't or they do for a bit and then abandon me for the next best thing. I'm everyone's fall-back friend - just good enough.

I feel better but I just don't know anymore. Andrea emails me Friday night, tells me she'll be away for the weekend but we've just got to get together and discuss next year's schedule. So I promptly return the message and get nothing on Monday. To boot, I called her earlier in the summer, but she never returned my calls. What am I to think? I think she just wants me to help her when she needs it during the school year. Little does she know that I will probably be the dead weight she pulls around. FUCKING cheating ring! They don't even respond to my emails. Perhaps I'll be able to concentrate on my studies - if I even cared about them anymore. I will rant about no one else for the moment since I'm tired, mentally drained if you will, especially with this ridiculous heat and humidity. July 24th, 2:11 AM.

I'm feeling much better (especially after the anti-nausea medication). You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming. (when I decide to add to it again that is) Good night. July 25, 2:32 AM.

I am feeling infinitely better now. I suppose human beings don't suck as much ass as my initial rant made them out to. In fact, I was so angry at a few individuals that I totally forgot about some of the best people on the face of the planet. Of course, there's also the fact that I know at least one person clicked and that makes me happy even if they didn't see the whole thing. Ya, so I'm okay. Don't worry about me at all. Stay tuned for future rants, they're very therapeutic! July 27, 11:52 AM.

September 1, 2001. 11:29 PM. Hey Mike McGuire --> Don't worry about me. Things are going well now. I'm fairly happy except for the fact that I won't see you until the very least in February (except my VISA is apparently maxed out according to the Petro Canada attendant so my credit's now bad, but whatever!). I get really sad sometimes and no one really knows about it unless I tell them - which I don't because then I'd be a wet blanket or something. Anyway, I don't know if I told you at the airport, but good luck in France. Tons of ppl will miss you but you'll be back before we know it. :)