"Gee, they've been gone for a long time. The fire's really dying."
"Yeah, we need to keep it going so when they come back with more fire wood we won't have to restart it."
"Let's go get a few pine cones to throw on. There's some near my camp site."
"Good idea. Hey, do you have any apples over there...?"
Well, I'm back, 2 days early and very weary (but refreshed). I'd be asleep right now if it weren't for this sweltering heat. What the hell happened to Ottawa in my absence? It was bearable when I left.
That is beside the point. I have decided to write a little journal of our days (mostly b/c Marlene really wants me to include our trip. In fact she suggested that I use the format I will be using. The prologue was my idea though.) I'm too tired to continue tonight. Tomorrow I will be up for it, I hope. Good night everybody. June 16, 12:00 AM.
Day 1
Well, we arrived in the 1000 Islands a little early to enter the campsite so we decided to enter the nearby Gananoque to have a bite to eat. We were greeted by the Colonel's smiling face and stopped for a some popcorn chicken (me) and crispy strips (my partner in crime). There were about 6 idle employees in that little KFC/Pizza Hut which featured expired Pepsi in the fridge and watered down fountain drinks but it still took forever and a day to get our food. At least it was fresh. By this time the rain was not so bad and we decided to head over to the campsite.
We had our run of the campsite and chose a premium water spot at an additional cost of $4 a day. It was great (I have pictures!) and would have been perfect if it weren't for the crazy geese that came around all the time begging for food and stuff. I didn't mind them so much but Marlene was terrified of them at first b/c of a haunting childhood experience with geese that scarred her for life. I can't go into too much detail but let's just say it happened in the United States. She was about eight and had an attacking goose locked in a car with her. She has been tramautized since. I don't blame her.
After a trying time putting up the tent (let's just say it was way easier putting it up in my back yard where you don't have to contend with rocks and such) we organized the campsite. Finally the rain stopped and things looked okay. We cooked sausages for supper and tried to make a fire but the damp from days of rain made that a no-go. At some point in the day we spent hours with a broken pump attempting to inflate our air mattresses. Let's just say Marlene's thigh muscles are rock solid now and mine are toned beyond my wildest dreams b/c of that experience. I'm a little bitter about it though b/c my dad held out on me. He knew the precise locations of not one, not two, but three electric pumps and didn't tell me where they were when I asked. I may kill him if he does so again.
We retired early (10:30ish, unheard of for me), tired from a long day.
Day 2
After a night of broken sleep interrupted by a woodpecker at an unearthly hour and other such disturbances I awoke at 4 AM. I was not a happy camper. I turned over and became unconscious on and off for almost three more hours. By this time I'd had enough and went to read my Cosmo for an hour. Marlene was still asleep...and SHE was supposed to be the early riser of the both of us!
When she finally awoke I had just put some coffee on (or was thinking about it) and we ate breakfast of mini-cereals and bananas. Instead of following our itinerary, we decided to go to Upper Canada Village so we could come back and hopefully start a fire and make smores.
So we spent most of the afternoon there. It was fun, but would come off too boring if I tried to describe it in detail, so i won't. We got "home" and I don't really recall what we did. I remember the next night way better, b/c it was infinitely more interesting (as you will see). I do know that we successfully started the campfire and cooked smores. Oh wait, it's coming back to me. Marlene took a dip in a body of water and I went fishing for a bit (and caught nothing). Then we went to do the campfire and retired early (again) after a little reading and some girl talk. Oh girl talk, it's great.
Day 3
We awoke late (as in 10:30 or so) and decided to go shopping in the States. Only problem was we couldn't find a mall. That and the american border guard was suspicious of us from the get-go. Maybe he could smell that we were planning not to declare any purchases. I later learned there was one in Watertown, but that was a destination off-limits b/c of certain individuals known to Marlene that live there. Anyway, we returned to camp and hung out (after getting an ice cream cone from the local convenience store, of course). Again, I don't totally remember what happened but it involved making dinner and perhaps a little swimming along with our normal camp fire routine. At 10 PM, the portapotty beckoned and I made my way up the hill towards its stinky doors. As I rounded the corner I spotted some new campers to the area. I did my business and then went down to the camp site to tell Marlene of the two newest male specimens on the premises (as well as wash my hands). Well Marlene also had to visit the outdoor bathroom and as she returned, she had the two new campers in tow. They called themselves Ryan and Glen and they sported Hawaiin shirts, sneakers without socks, and beige shorts. They also couldn't get their camp fire going and that is where Marlene and I would come in.
As we reached their camp site, one of the first phrases uttered (by Glen, the quintessential beach bumb) were "you know, we're not gay" as he pointed to their Hawaiin shirts as if that would explain his concern. It was pretty humourous so I immediately countered by telling them Marlene and I were not lesbians. A little quid pro quo, if you know what I mean.
Soon we were debating around a roaring fire and liquor and joints flowed freely. I accepted the weird cooler they offered, but declined the pot b/c I didn't think Marlene would approve. So there we were, hanging out and talking when Glen got the bright idea that we should cause some mischief. "To Gananoque," he cried as he made his way to the car. As soon as Marlene and I had changed into our more appropriate clubbing attire and stopped at the bathroom, we were on our way.
What we didn't take into account is the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do in the "city" on a Wednesday night. We asked a few locals but they told us to head to Kingston for a good time (something we didn't feel like doing at 1 o'clock in the morning). Finally we found this bar complete with a very dirty bar maid getting hit on by the bar flies (like in Cheers, it was almost creepy). The price of drinks were outrageous. Unfortunately, we only found that out after Marlene bought two of them for the ridiculous fee of $10.50! We were non-plussed when Glen declared that who ever lost at pool bought the next round. He was a pool shark, let me tell you. We would have lost every game, but Ryan allowed us to win on a few technicalities. We played four or five games and Marlene and I won two of them, not too shabby for ppl who never play. At this point, we decided to go back to camp and we hopped back into the car. Glen was still in the mood for mischief.
It came in the form of mailbox vandalism. He spotted a "good one" on the side of the road and immediately pulled over. I couldn't look at the destruction of such a nice mailbox so I shut my eyes. As luck would have it (not for Glen and Ryan) the owners of the mailbox had encountered their kind before and although it looked like wood, it was made of some durable material and bolted deep into the ground. Cursing, Ryan and Glen returned to their respective seats and we continued back "home".
We got back to the camp site about 2:30 AM and decided to rekindle the fire and hang out some more. Rye and ginger magically appeared and, thanks to Marlene, a little too much alcohol landed into one the glasses. Since I'm not a cheap drunk by any stretch of the imagination, I gulped half of it down so they could top it up with a little more gingerale. That's when the fire started to die and we realized we had no more fire wood. "Courageously" Marlene and Ryan volunteered to go and unburden other campers of their surplus wood, leaving Glen and I to hang out by ourselves. We tended the fire, but soon it started to completely extinguish itself. That's when I suggested we get some pine cones around our camp site "just to keep it going until they get back." So then he asked if I had any apples and I said yes and we headed towards my camp site for more supplies and an apple. Along the short walk, Glen explained the intricacies of apple bongs to me and I decided that with Marlene not around I could try it. So we picked up a handful of pine cones on the way back and I watched as Glen worked.
It's hard to explain what he did, but I could certainly do it myself if I ever was inclined to. He dug two holes in the thing and sucked out some of the juices and then put some pot on some tin foil-esque material in one hole (there was burning off of paper somewhere, but I always let others do that sort of stuff for me) and then starting huffing away on the other one. Next was my turn and I huffed like a pro, let me tell you. So then we just lay back on this air mattress they had outside and talked for a while. At this point, Marlene and Ryan had been gone for quite some time but not long enough to make us concerned.
Perhaps is now is a good time to tell you my views on the recreational use of marijuana and other such things. This is sufficiently buried that no one important will come looking for it, I don't think. When I'm governor-general or something, I'll delete this part and pretend it never happened (much like George W. and the cocaine). Nothing wrong with it at all. You see, I'm all about experimenting so about three years ago, my then best friend, his ex-girlfriend and I decided to give it a go. It was a windy day and the joint did not turn out to be expertly rolled, but it was something. Stupid ex-girlfriend who somehow got herself invited didn't even inhale (although she faked some sort of buzz for hours) wasting what precious little there was in that crappy joint of ours. Anyway, I didn't feel any differently although my friend told me I was a little goofier (if that's even possible!). I proceeded to drive them home so I couldn't have been affected very negatively. You know, I'd sooner get in the car with someone who just smoked two fat joints than someone who drank 2 beers. That's beside the point. Anyway, I've smoked occasionally since then. Under 20 times in three years (although 18 or so of those in the last year) isn't too bad. Trouble is, most of the time I'm too drunk to fully appreciate the weed I've smoked. This time, it was totally different. That apple bong may have changed my life as I will attempt to describe in the following paragraph(s).
So Glen and I are just lying back, looking at the stars and talking about stuff. I guess the topic of how terrible the US is came up along with what a shame it is that in the city we don't see all the stars. The gazillion mosquito bites on my feet became quite, for lack of a better word, real at this time. It's like I could feel each individual bite but not so much that they were painful. I just acknowledged that they were there and the feeling passed. Then Glen was like "Hey, have you ever just listened?" So we proceeded to listen intently. It's amazing what you can hear when you just shut up and listen for it. I don't know how long we were listening but it was great. Then we started talking again about nothing in particular, swapping stories and hanging out when we realized Marlene and Ryan had been gone for wood for at least 1 1/2 hours, the fire was dead, and we were cold. I went off to collect pine cones again but five minutes after adding them the fire was a pile of glowing embers again. By this time Glen decided to go home instead of sleeping at the camp site (mostly b/c they forgot to bring sleeping bags and he was super cold and his house was only 20 minutes away) and we waited a few minutes for the pair before we decided a vehicular search was in order. We thoroughly toured the camp grounds but to no avail. When we got to the site, they still weren't back so we stayed in the car (as we had put the heater on full blast and it was nice and toasty inside.)
It was nearing 4:30 or so and I was getting mighty tired and so was Glen we decided to listen again (it seemed appropriate) and if we passed out, at least the car was free of mosquitoes. I was listening and hoping I wasn't breathing too loud (my nose was still plugged from being sick and I felt it would be wrong to disturb his listening in his own car) when I realized I couldn't hear him breathing even on my heightened listening plane. It was really creepy. I thought for a moment that he may be dead but I kept hearing him move around a little so I dismissed that idea. Anyway, I was freaking out a little when the was a long stretch without sound or movement but just then the "lost" pair returned with two piddly sticks of wood ostensibly to keep the fire going.
Somehow they convinced Glen to stay until the sunrise but at 5:15, their was no convincing him to stay. He got up and packed up the rest of his stuff and got into the car, waiting for Ryan to follow suit. So here I was standing in front of the embers trying to wrestle the last bits of warmth from it while Marlene and Ryan were sharing the air mattress under a cozy blanket. I turn around to face the fire pit and check out the water when I begin to hear slurping noises. A little groggy, the sound puzzles me. As I turn around I realize that Ryan has not followed Glen to the car as he was supposed to, but has stayed to suck face with Marlene under my blanket. I was not in the mood to hang around while they made out in front of me so I picked up all I could carry that belonged at our camp site, bid Glen adieu, and walked "home". Ten minutes later, as I brushed my teeth, Marlene arrives in the car with the rest of our stuff and I say good-bye one more time and she says good-bye in more ways than one. It was after 5:30 in the morning so we quickly jumped into bed. Marlene was asleep almost immediately, but I was pondering the apple bong and other things so I was asleep about half an hour later.
Day 4
I awoke at about 10:30. Marlene was already up (due to a dire need to use the portapotty, I believe). The tent was like a sauna with the sun shining directly on it, so I got up too. We discussed the evening's events and (humourously) Marlene says "So, you didn't smoke up after all. Good for you for not falling for temptation" (or not that at all, but something to that effect). So I reply by telling her that the apple we used was not for eating. I thought it was funny and that's all I'll type for tonight, I'm tired. June 21, 2:30 AM.
I will finish this tonight b/c I'd rather continue with my "diary" entries and can't do so until I this is finished (I've decided). So we decided we couldn't do anything for a while, so that meant blowing off our itinerary again. I think we were supposed to go to Fort Henry and then explore Kingston on a haunted walk, but that never happened. Anyway, an hour or so later (and coincidentally the rest of the Cosmo I brought and some of my Jane magazine) we decided to go to the beach. Normally, I'm no beach goer but it was so damn hot and I was sweating profusely so I bit the bullet. Marlene also wanted to improve her tan. I brought my Jane magazine and alternated between lying on the beach reading it and taking dips in the frigid water. Soon the magazine was finished so I lounged around and continued doing much of the same - nothing. I thought I had been tanning on both sides equally (and my arms, shoulders, and back were sunblocked) it turns out that I burned the backs of my legs. I was not impressed. I could feel the heat radiating off of my legs. We did a little fishing and I caught and killed a fish. Don't worry, it was not intentional, but the damn thing ate the hook and I couldn't get it out and when I finally did (well not me, some stranger came over to help), it was too late. This may have harmed me psychologically. I will not be keen on fishing for a little while.
Anyway, we went home, cooked a fabulous dinner of macaroni and real cheese with hot dogs cut up into it, washed the dishes and hung out making smores and talking for a while. Then we hit the hay. That's all I can remember anyway. It may not have happened in that order, but it's been over a week. Give me a break!
Day 5
We awoke fairly late. It was around 10:30. Marlene claims she was waiting for me to wake up and had been up for a while but she was still snug in her sleeping bag. I blame both of us. The only reason it mattered was because we had to clear out of the camp site before noon so we quickly ate a breakfast of what I believe was little cereals and bananas and set to deconstructing the tent and everything. A little before noon we headed out of our camping area to catch a few more rays at the beach. Well, Marlene did. After roasting my legs, I read this book Marlene brought for me (it was good, I'm very happy to report) in the shade while she basked in the sun's rays. After about an hour this tractor pulled up to clean the beach. I was a little concerned b/c I parked in a place clearly marked no parking (but it was our last day!) but the girl didn't care. She was making a lot of noise with her tractor so Marlene got up and walked over and asked what we were doing - going to Guelph or going home. I told her I felt sick so we decided to go home. The trip was uneventful, although there were plenty of mack trucks doing crazy things on the highway. I was doing my usual 140 km/h so they didn't matter (oh I love my little golden echo!). We got to Marlene's house and promptly discovered that no one was home. Since Marlene had lost her keys, that wasn't the best so we went to get her allergy shot and proceeded to my house where we called her house. There, her mom said she'd been home the whole time but probably didn't hear the door bell over the washing machine so I drove her home and came to my house. It was incredibly hot and I was sweating bullets. I think that highlights our trip adequately. Any questions can by directed to my secretary Whiskershrimp.
Epilogue (which I totally forgot yesterday. Oops!)
Let's just say that day 3's high (get it, high) jinks left some painful reminders. There are at least 21 mosquito bites on my left foot and my right foot has at least 17 (but probably more). It's getting to the point that some of my mosquito bites have mosquito bites. I have a few on my hands too and they hurt like a bitch. Off Skintastic Spray DOES NOT work against mosquitos in 1000 islands. I must have sprayed some directly on a few of the viscious buggers and they still sucked like there was no tomorrow. I just don't get it. Okay, that's really enough of that. I want to go to the "diary" (see below).
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