Can it be and is it so?
Has it risen from below?
A lovely sight, a lovely sound,
What is this that I have found?
Is it a joy, a pure relief,
Or is it just eternal grief?
Is it rampant happiness
Or over-anxious loneliness?
Like a bright and blazing fire
Burns this monster of desire,
And maybe if it was the only
Feeling felt by me, the lonely,
Maybe life would better be,
At least more than it is for me.
But as it is that heart of stone
Has largely left me all alone,
A heart just like a wall of ice,
And void of any impulse nice-
And nothing that I have can melt
The ice that's there that I have felt.
And some may try, they may succeed,
And all the while my heart does bleed;
It is not fair, it is not just,
They know not love but merely lust,
They cannot know the way I feel,
Feelings I wish I could repeal,
For what good is love without match
From they to whom your heart does latch?
Can life be truly this absurd?
Or is this tale too often heard?
Can I be the only man
To bear the ills of Cupid's plan
And fall into his trap to love
One who is so far above
As to be beyond grasp of reach?
I pray to him, I oft beseech
To give the answers which I seek-
If I am destined to be meek
And never reach the goals I set
What is there left for me to get?
Or shall things change yet for the good,
And would it be best if they should?
Is she the one I truly want?
Her imperfections frequent haunt,
And there are better girls than she,
Girls of much higher quality,
And though she might not be the best
In mind or soul or all the rest,
I cannot love those other few,
It is not something I can do.
My heart is locked upon her face,
Its image held frozen in place
Upon my mind, with care engraved-
To her will my soul's now enslaved.
Oh how I wish that she were mine,
For she is, simply put, divine,
But I shall never have her here,
Not anytime, not anywhere;
Mere friends it seems that we shall be
But I don't like this destiny.
I do not like the way I am,
I wish I could my own self lam
And curse for my ineptitude,
My loathing for vicissitude.
And though it is not my own fault,
Once started it can never halt-
My ancestry made me like this,
(Perhaps in this they were remiss,)
I had no say in making me,
No say as to what I should be-
The me that she can never love,
The me she'd rather push and shove.
I hate the me I have become,
So very far from what's handsome,
A paragon of male repulsion
To cause disgust by sheer compulsion-
And can they know this inner pain,
Can they know how I go insane
Because I drive my own self there,
And how this makes my own heart tear?
Sometimes I wish my life to end,
For if I'll ever be but friend,
Then worthless my own life shall be
Meaningless shall it seem to me.
I can't live the rest of this life
Without her as my love, my wife;
It is a fate worse than the one
Than life in absence of the sun-
But on my heart the sun is setting,
Quickly life is me forgetting.
Where is God's love for every man?
What happened to the Divine Plan?
Why has He so forsaken me?
Why has it so long taken me
To realize my life's non-worth,
My waste of space upon this earth?
And all because she cannot see
How good to her that I could be,
How happy I could make her seem,
As if she lived within a dream.
But that dream is now nightmare bound,
My hopes lay limp along the ground;
I have naught but my love to give,
Without her love I cannot live,
And how I wish it wasn't so,
But this is simple fact I know
Because the memories remain,
Memories I can't explain
But wish that I had never had,
For they only make me sad-
All the times I felt so small,
So small as to be naught at all,
And only since she made me so,
Made me sink so ever low,
So close, and yet so far to go
To know just what I wish to know.
And so she stays beyond my grasp-
No stretch, no strain, no grunt nor gasp
Can bring me any nearer her
So she remains as but a blur,
A vision marred by tear-filled eyes,
I see that now, I realize
No matter how much love I show,
No matter where I bid to go,
No matter all the gifts and cheer
I give to her throughout the year,
No matter all the hugs and smiles,
No matter all my wits and wiles,
They count for less than nothing still,
Not little, some- exactly nil,
For though I might just beg and plead
To get her love, that which I need,
It's little more than fantasy
That she would love the likes of me,
A dream perhaps, a nightmare though,
The horror streaming from below,
For evil is the devil's mind
And to me hers is no more kind.
Her closed off heart oft makes me cry
From the first to the final try-
Not now, no more, at last I'm done,
For I can't bear to be the one
Who bears the pangs of despised love,
As though decreed from up above,
I cannot suffer more this way
And live my life from day to day
In love with that which is a stone,
(The heart my very love does own,)
And though they say to still believe,
They know not all that I perceive-
She is not something I can get,
Nor someone I can just forget-
This is no game to lose or win,
This is the life I am stuck in.
I often wish this were a dream
So that so bad it might not seem,
But everyday I rise to feel
The absence of the former zeal
I felt when first I felt this way-
I do not feel it now today.
I feel depressed, utterly so,
My heart's been cleaved by shaft and bow;
The bow, her evil, sadist ways,
The shaft the way my own mind says
"I love her still, despite the pain,"
But there these thoughts cannot remain-
I must move on, I must be strong,
I've felt like this for far too long.
All that I gave then she did take,
And all she did was me forsake,
She took all that I gave to use,
My very love she did abuse,
For none she showed, not from the first,
Nor to the last- but still the worst
Is that I tricked myself to see
Hope in dreams of her and me,
The sweetest dreams I ever had,
So sweet they quickly turned to bad.
To know when one becomes quite wise
Is to see when you'll realize
Just when to stay and when to quit
Before your life turns all to shit,
To pack it up and head for home
Before arrival of the gloam.
And so before I die from grief
I must give myself relief
And turn away from lovely she-
Yet still remains one mystery-
For all this evidence I've got,
I simply find that I cannot.