We were driving down the eye; I was tired from work and she was tired from work.  Bleeding Me exhausted sweetly into Wonderwall through the magic of lasers and electric impulse.  She had never looked as lovely and as sweet.  Her hair still smelled of springtimes and playful caresses and caring gestures long put to rest in our past.  She giggled.  I gazed over at her with eyes not mine.  She grabbed my arm and laid her head upon it, squeezing it with passion never felt before from those fingers.  She spoke.  My heart dropped.
I never saw her again.

I. Nascence

I almost died when I was born
My mother said, the look of scorn
So evident upon her face
Always.  I was her one disgrace,
Her one mistake, her one bad choice,
Her one regret.  Her tone of voice
Ashamed me beyond rosy hue
And left me lifelong painings.  To
Have seen and then to throw away
Her own child, it’s beyond me.  Weigh
Me down with that much grief and I
Will not recover, Mother.  By
The time I was just six months old
I was diseased by more than cold
Or flu; I was envy of ghosts
For my pallor – had I tongue, boasts
Of my imminent death would be
In my recorded history.
And yet though near enough to Death
So as to smell his sanguine breath,
I managed to survive.  My dear
Mother was heartbroken, that here
Her son was strong enough to live
Through all the poison she could give.

II. Belief

After being abandoned as a child
By a callous father, a mother’s hate,
I grew up to feel I was forsaken—
A miscreant beyond redemption’s gate.
I sat wallowing in the dark of me,
Yearning for a bitter release to where
There is so much more.  But it never came,
And I lay cursed, alone without a care.
For me there were only tomorrows,
Promises backed by empty grins that I
Could put no weight on.  I wished always for
A today, but they always passed me by.
I sank so low I could breathe the dirt and
Not suffocate; but on one such journey
Through decaying soil I paused.  I was what
I’d always hoped but never dreamed to see—
At last I’d found Belief, at last I knew
Both who I was and why I was, and no
Amount of self loathing could deter my
Higher purpose.  It was not my wish, though;
No one elects to be the burdened beast
Who bears the load.  That does not change the fact
That one is needed – and if I’m him, then
They will need both me and my every act.

III. Induction

I was still so young and innocent
Unaware, uncorrupted, unblemished
I had the burden of my past to bear,
But Belief is a strong tool against despair.
In fact, Belief has only one weakness,
One soft spot in the armor—
That’s why I call it Achilles now.
No amount of Belief can prepare you
For the crushing blow of humanity
From whom you feel compelled
To want so much but who in turn
See it fit to take your naïve ways
And turn them into their own gain.
They don’t want to help you
They  only  want
To  help
Themselves.
It’s hard to tell someone who tries
To be the pure of heart
That they can only be evil now.
They might try rebellion
They might try suicide
I, I could only try nothing
Locked within my shrinking world.

IV.  Arson

i tried to
do all the
things that you
wanted me
to, mother
i can’t be
the one who
swoops on down
to rescue
everyone
every time
i am done
i don’t want
your dirty
world to haunt
me every
where i go
and chase me
i know i
made promises
i swore by
my own pride
and honor
but i lied

She had built herself within a manor of walls enclosing walls, moats engulfing moats, death surrounding life.  The history she’d written down in tears she kept in secret chambers in the center, vaulted behind locks that guarded locks, hoping to hold it from seeing daylight for the rest of eternity.  And yet, she threw me willingly into that center, gave me all the secrets she had kept and bid me hold the weight of her burden as my own.  I took it up, wordless in my approach, fully expecting for her to lead me out through her darkness and back to her light.  But she slammed the door on my face, and locked me in her secret center.  I asked her if she could release me, allow me to set down her burden and my own and fly away into the welcoming night.  But she but laughed and told me I was too close to her ever to be close enough to her.  And off she went to spiral down into the cesspool of my despise.