Shivers
by Julian
Ein
a ray of light, a burst of sun
exploding into shadows' tears
where lone i lie distraught with fears
that all the bliss i'd seen was done
with kicking me around its slopes,
with picking me up off the ground
and keeping me within the sound
and safe warm blanket of its hopes;
that all the life i had laid out
in sterling plans and gilded dreams
ripped through my fragile novice seams
which held together spreading doubt
to keep it from spilling away;
that any effort i could give
to her was not enough to live
there where alone i yearned to stay
with her wherever she may go
on tomorrows now never known;
that all our nascent problems grown
are now quite large enough to show
despite our cares to hide them deep
under false smiles and flashy laughs
at dull humor and friendly gaffes;
that never again will i sleep
within the danger of her charms
within the worry of her ways
within the everything she says
within the comfort of her arms
Zwei
that light, that sunburst in my life
illuminating comatose
slumbers i have had which came close
enough at times to death by knife
so as not to be mere fancy,
is not the same warmth that before
made me glad to be outside, or
better yet, outside with her. we
had such times inside, outside, all
sides that they are burned within my
memory like scars, blistered by
the bliss of love and heartbreak's gall
at taking all of it away
without so much as asking. now
i have but myself. i know how
long i had waited just to say
that i had had my chance, a chance
to show that i was worthy of
being one capable of love
for myself and a her. her glance
though there on doorsteps told me that
the chance i saw in her was but
illusion i felt in my gut
for she was pulling out. i sat
for days, sleepless in the dark, not
seeing how it could be so, so
easy for this girl to just throw
me away, forget. she forgot
me faster than i ever could
have dropped from memory the first
person who vaporized the worst
dregs of my life and showed me good
and what bliss was like. but i guess
effort can be misplaced, intent
distorted by emotion bent
on reaching dreams that don't confess
when they have erred. the only thing
i had wanted of her was her
to be with me as the long blur
of life rushed past. but i'm dying
here alone.
again
Drei
i used to make fun of sappy love songs
men and women crooning over
someone else, be they present or absent
or merely figments of dreams
i used to think it silly that
people could be so wishy-washy
bending to emotions so easily
and then she left and every sappy
overwrought commercialized meaningless
love song suddenly found its own place
every song about life and bliss and
heartbreak and longing and everything else
suddenly knew me, and i it
the hollowness in me coming from
each note and chord cannot be forged
but springs upon me full formed
from the fountain of her actions
her single action of walking away
of leaving me with but the darkness
to console me, the darkness which
is cold and empty and lonesome
i saw her once or twice without her
knowing that i had, and each left me
not quite the same, not feeling sane
or even capable of being fine
she said i had to accept how things are
though she could not accept how they were
but i don't have her same leisure
of choice in this matter now
my life has been thrust on me, unwanted
and now it has decided that that
apathy should extend itself now that i'm here
and all i have is failure to be mine
and only death to look forward to.
joy