Meditations
by Julian
#1
i still sift through all the traffic
that is passing by
looking
hoping
waiting for the car
i know she's driving
even though it's been so many days and nights
of heartache
of loneliness
there's still that great big part of me
that jumps to reach out for her
it's been so long since she has had the will
to come on over
but i still find the scents and strands of her
everywhere i turn
inside of where i live
and though she's long gone now
she stands there when i close my eyes to life
and opening them is no better
if all that i can see
is that which makes me cry
before i knew her the way i did
i felt somehow trapped
in a world of artifice, an arbitrary place
but wanted something real
there are two kinds of people it seems
now that i can see them
those that want eternally
all that they have never had
and those that just don't care
am i the unfulfillable kind then i wonder
though questions ease no pain
am i the blind man who only wishes sight
or the one who hates the world
for denying him the basic right and privilege
so evident for everyone else?
how am i to know my place
when my place so far
had only been with her?
#2
each day is all the rest again
when bleeding leeches memory
from its high perches down into
the steady pulse and current
of mundane monotony
the sinister she still speaks to me
in dreams and dreamlets
and hopes and wishes and desires
and grand soliloquies have i built
in address to her alone, knowing
she will never hear the things
i have to say to her, or more
that she would not care still
even if she could pick them up
each day i see the very thing i want
as it goes fluttering away
with other business more pressing
with other men more desirable
with other thoughts not of me
i never saw it coming
for i had my eyes closed
every second i knew her
living in a dream from which
for once i did not wish to wake
as i knew what enjoyability
finally meant to my weary head
# 3
the empty void of longing that
i had before possessed within
was always soothable before
with rationale and reason's talk
that you can never miss what you
had never laid claim to as yet
i guess that stopped at once
when she laid claim to me
and i had found all i felt
i'd ever need to seek in this life
rare was the day that used to go by
that i did not feel ashamed
embarrassed at being told
that i had to be only myself
and telling myself the harshest truth
that i was never good enough
and then she made me good enough
and then she changed her mind
and now i am forced back once more
to having to think the thoughts i hate
about myself, and hate myself
for not being enough again despite
that brief respite of bliss
i only could enjoy for all the time
i was able to enjoy the warmth
she took with her when she left
#4
i'm lost in the cool black forest
of her silken hairs
staring at the sandal strap scars
on her somehow delicate feet
engulfed by the curves of her
as she moves between the in-betweens
enraptured by the shy dimpled smile
of every fleeting turn-around
her assortment of sandals
nicole miller handbag
silver branded watch and
occasional glasses
but always she cannot hide
the energies i see bubbling below
and i am lost completely
in my thoughts of her
if only for the way
it reminds me of all that i
no longer have
#5
ah the sighs of sorrow resonate
deeply still within the hollow
cavern of my head
#6
the knowledge of the memory
of her dual existence with myself
is the pain that still percolates
through the web of amnesia
i keep casting over my mind
to escape the past i created
if i could solve all my problems
by drilling a hole in my head
and letting all the memory
pour out into a pitcher that i
could dump down the drain
of never-to-be-seen-again
i would not hesitate to put bit
up to temple and depress trigger
to free myself from the burden
that carries itself around
on top of my shoulders
between my ears
behind my eyes
below my sanity
beneath my ability to let go
#7
i have alot of things in life
that i never asked to receive
including life and coming death
but somehow all the unrequested
continues to accumulate within my misery
as the but little that i wish to see
keeps passing me by with reckless abandon
abandon
that's all this life has taught me
that there comes the time when all
the cherished things you know abandon
because it seems it's easier to quit
and wait to hope on finding ready-made
the impossibilities you seek rather than
carving the angel from the marble yourself
constructing what you want from
what you already have
is human nature to be ever changing
ever displeased with who we are
so that we have to mold ourselves into
and pretend to be the people we are not
the people we only think the world
will want to see in us?
if people are intended to be never fixéd
how can we so exist emotionally empty
vacuous until we fill ourselves with
someone or something outside of us
something or someone so inconstant
that where we attach ourselves today
is miles away from what we wanted
the days and years to come
i sit
and it is all that i can do
for what will standing accomplish me
when all the others in the land
will only try to knock me back down
if doing so will bring them to an
upper hand in getting what they want
i sit
and all i can do is see
what goes on about me, the people
in their own tiny spheres, little worlds
i will never be able to visit since
i lack the vessels to travel through the void
that lies between our worlds, lack
the power to penetrate the mists
which surround the shrouded peaks
of tremendous mountains i shall never scale
though not for lack of desire
i see mountains capped with snows
given colors blonde, brunette, red, blue,
some bedecked in luxurious foliage
while others rise bare above the plain
but all lying in the receding vista
ever on the horizon that is never gained
how one day i wish to meet that
horizon, so i can know what life is like
out there where i have never been
but i suspect that i could walk forever
and still i would never reach her
never discover this one thing
that is all i ask to know
#8
destitution is a state
i am all too familiar with by now
never having been motivated
quite enough to escape its grip
i lie instead behind myself
unable to elude shells
of my own construction
unable to grasp from the void
that which should be mine to take
but never is since i do not try
why should i try though when
failure is so assured an outcome
that success is unlikely
verging on impossible?
why should i extend myself
over tremendous chasms of peril
never fully knowing how far away
the other rim lies, never knowing
how far i have to go and
if how far i can go is still enough?
what purpose for my taking risks
which might leave me worse off
for the wear when the reward
of such unlikelihoods is only
more and more uncertainty
more taking risks and leaping gulfs
to hold on to what i've found
and each just waiting for its chance
to drop me into the abyss
and await a worthier victor
all i want is to know for sure
to be aware completely length and breadth
of any obstacle in my way
so i may know if i will ever be enough
but knowing is a precluded option
and all i want is all i cannot have
if i am to be stuck upon an island
surrounded by vile sea i cannot cross
and determined to be forever alone
it is a fate i can grow to bear
if given no alternatives
but alternatives exist aplenty
and cannot be rubbed out of my life
though the value of each is unknown
until i dare to follow it to its end
so here i am on an island of
nothing but uncertainty
waiting to discover the path
of least resistance and increasingly
knowing i'll never know which it is
before i deign to take it up
and set myself to fail all over again