I.  May 19

It's Saturday night.  The lines are long,
The patience thin, the orders wrong;
With tired feet and weary hands
We draw our lines upon the sands-
I, the keeper of the gate
They, seeking entry to my state;
The clothes are tight, the makeup on,
Prepared to last until the dawn,
Unused to subjugating will
Or uncrisp antiquated bill.
And how is it amongst such vile
And shallow creatures of the bile,
Such things, that still I stand to fit-
It must be where I choose to sit
Within my glass and metal box
That overhangs macadamed rocks
Which stretch beyond the line of sight
Afforded by this starless night.
And how is it I can withstand
The constant torrents of demand?
What strength is it I have inside
To patience me when run and hide
Is such the more attractive way
To spend my life and waste away?
What can sustain my drowning's bane
And vaporize the mounting pain
But hope in hope and faith in dreams
That life is only as it seems,
For currently it seems to be
That shining on my life is she
Who darts into my groggy mind
With each brief respite I might find;
She who I always wish it were
Instead of they who are not her
When each pulls to my window's keep;
She who I dream of while asleep
And while awake and in between,
For whom I yearn when I've not seen;
Whose fragrance I still taste on lips
Still drunk from her bewitching dips
Into my secret solitude
Where before was but sullen mood;
She who now gives my fires fuel
To battle enemies and duel
With indefatigable foes
In confidence from head to toes
Where once upon a time but bare
Was such in me as it lay there.
How can I keep composure when
Confronted by such daunting men
And teasing vixens all who seek
To steal my best when I am weak?
I tell myself from time to time
Whenever beckoned by that chime
That they can bring their very worst
Against me, for though I'm not versed
In defusing such violent threats
To safety, I'd place all my bets
Upon the odds that come what may
They cannot take from me away
The very things that she does see
Which lay on the inside of me,
The things she likes enough to show
In passion that alone I know
And that is more than what's enough
To keep me up when things get rough
And crumble round my swollen feet-
I think but of that voice so sweet,
And no amount of rotten seed
Can bring about such evil deed
That it can bring me down from where
She lifted me into the air
With all she's done and does for me
And just by being who is she.

II.  May 26

It's Saturday night again, I find
And but one thing floats to my mind-
Remembrance of what once had been
And what could always be again,
Remembrance of that touch I miss,
Such singular enveloped bliss;
Electric touch and ferrite hold
Which led to shivers not of cold
But something else I've never felt
Before, before that ice could melt
That lay around my frozen heart
Which none have ever dared to chart-
But I being lord of my keep
Decided that I could not weep
Nor moan again about my fate
Since choices made led to this state.
I said to he who lives in me
That this is not how we should be,
That every memory we've made
Lies steeped within my regret's shade
And every path we opted for
Lead only to those hated more.
And so before the floodgates burst
To let loose on my soul the worst
My corruption could dare conceive,
I called a meeting to achieve
A harmony beneath my skin
Of all the ones who lived within;
And what we found upon that day
Was that no matter what we say
There is that one in whom we all
Found something to keep us enthralled,
Whose complications compliment
Completely everything that's went
Before, behind, beneath, between
The many faces we have been,
Someone in whom our confidence
Is more than a wall of defense,
More than mortared bricks and stone
To keep them out and me alone
So that we'd not need face the rest
Of reality which is life's test.
And of a sudden I was back
On borrowed leather sofa's black,
There under comfort's red and blue
With she in our Eden of hue,
With mindlessness before our eyes
And fire deep within our thighs
That lay without fuel to consume
As little more than heated fume
Kept dormant by the stolid face
We show but know is not the place
In which our feelings truly lie
There, not allowed to multiply.
But I know then in me what's real
And the meaning of what I feel,
Which tells me that what I find most
Appealing in my new love's host
Is all the frailty that she
In all her vulnerability
Possesses but will always hide
To keep me ever from inside
The walls that guard the fragile line
She's made herself from hanging vine
Plucked from the dark forests of grief
Where she lay exiled sans belief
That one day comfort might she find
To soothe the froth within her mind,
That deep and endless gloomy ocean
Of thought and more sullen emotion
Whose origins lay in the past
In persons who she has amassed
As but a pile of sheer regret;
But that was all before I met
This one who is now in my arms
And hidden from all of their harms,
But also from my vision's reach;
And so though now we may each
Yearn to kick up dust and fly
To meet the other before nigh,
We stand as titans in our way
Both in the night and in the day-
And so I go back to my box
To stare at those macadamed rocks
And feel succumbed to hidden thief
Who's stolen my newfound relief
And fled from here before the dawn
So that this nightmare must go on.

III.  June 16

It's Saturday night, just one last time
And beckoned on by that dread chime
I wear despair upon my brow
Unable to inquire how
Or when or why or to where fled
The fantasies within my head
That but mere moments before lay
Within these walls of stone and clay,
That once upon a time were all
I needed to withstand the call
And beck of demons who besiege
I, who am their do-boy liege,
Who genuflects at every bark
Of displeasure at the missed mark.
And tortured smiles only remain
After so many nights of pain
That see me beg and bow and scrape
And secretly yearn to escape
To fields and forests lush and deep
Which I see only in my sleep,
What little of that peace I get-
And even then dreams I forget.
Now existence is crushing me,
I choke on my reality
But seek within my searing lungs
The breath to speak in begging tongues,
Or to be Gordon calling bat
To save me from where I am at,
Descending in that eerie shape
On silent wings folded from cape.
I wish so much that they could save
Me from what may become my grave
Buried beneath a mound of hate
And condescension's lurid state;
I desperately seek the one
Who'll swoop on me and be the sun
In darkness that had been my life
That had been but with sadness rife-
My own personal super man
Of female form who could then ban
These phantoms from my solemn head
And lift me up while they drop dead.
But all the savior that I see
Lies embodied there within she
Whose touch is all that it would take
For me to my demons forsake.
And though I try so hard to be
The perfect hero's victim, we
Remain uncoupled in that way,
And I unlit by her soft ray,
For though she seeks my soft embrace
And yearns to gaze upon my face
And place her tiny hands in mine
Or have me wipe away her brine
Or gaze into my honey eyes
And breach my lips with spicy fries
Or take away the dryness from
Those lips from which the words won't come
To tell her how the stars will float
Around my dizzy head and gloat
That I could be so drunk from what
Before had been mere fancy but
Now reeks of what is real to me
And has become all I can see;
And I'd love to stretch into sky
And feel the cool winds rushing by
As she grasped for my reaching limb
That hoped to yank me from the grim;
I'd love to sail above the sea
In sailboats built for her and me
Alone while white clouds fly above
To masquerade our boundless love;
I'd love to blast off into space
Ahead of all the human race
To farthest reaches all alone
With only her to call my own;
I'd love to span oceans' deep,
Descend through all the trenches' steep
And part the jungles of sea weed
As but her underwater steed;
I'd love to just remain at home
With her instead of worldly roam
If it meant any more that I
Could be with her and not deny
The inner workings that I feel
That slice through me like fiery steel
And leave me wanting, only wanting
That yet which is to her still daunting.
She waits for me at every turn
With open eyes and endless yearn
Only to balk my entry to
Her paradise that I am due
She invites me to secret realm
And asks me to take up the helm
To steer her clippers back on course
And drive away the gray remorse
That clouds her skies with sober pain
Only to then consent to rain.
She seeks safe harbor in my ports
And shelter in my stolid forts
Only to dart back out again
Into that world of evil men
For fear of treading well worn paths
Well haunted by her well known wraths.
And so I slink back to my cage
Where bottled up I keep my rage
Around my neck and on my sleeve
To mind me when I don't believe
That though I prayed and begged so long
For heroine to play my song
And sweep me up and off away
To fantasy where all's okay,
She who I most wished it to be
Was not and has abandoned me
To purgatory in my box,
To penance myself above rocks
Brought there by all the nameless men
The ranks of whom I've joined again.