K, so as most of you know… I write scripts and plays…and am a published poet with the National society of Poets (ahem), therefore I thought I’d grace the pages of the DMS with some of my little crappy rhymes that I make up when I’m bored….REALLY BORED,lol.!!!!!. And yes, they don’t make any sense, but neither does our Government or Not having smiley faces for lunch everyday…..or Ben liking the Corrs, or Hannah being a terrible cook, or me with everything I speak making complete sense, or Corrine wearing an UG land unfiorm, or Jenna never going to France that thingy she won (or did she???), or um… Andy working with animals, or Tim loving N’sync…. Methinks you get the picture.
Flat Hand
I trapped my little handie in a door,
You kissed it better and I wanted more (coffee!)
We went into the living room where
I showed you my ‘phone and you showed me a broom.
I couldn't sweep for my hand was killing me,
I couldn't bend my fingers they just started to swell,
So I said swell,
And you said swell
The chinchilla said swell
And the furniture burned in hell.
Except for the coffee table… THANK GOD.
The effect of compulsory R.E
I swear that I can hear voices in my head.
I can't stop jumping up and down,
Ecstatic and confused
Jumping for no damn reason
But enjoying it all the same
I'm addicted to predicting the end of the world,
Believe in me and be misguided
I'll take you to places, high places you've never seen
Because your sun glasses are coated with tar
Tell you to jump or push you off and watch you fall.
Louder and clearer telling me what to do
The voices keep on coming transmission ended,
Whatever they say, it's always to be done with you.
They try to scream but the lemons in their mouths
Make the razor cuts sting like hell.
The declaration of commiseration will never escape from my lips
I'm addicted to predicting the end of the world,
Believe in me and be misguided
I'll take you to places, high places you've never seen
Tell you to jump or push you off and watch you fall.
Why the hell am I standing in a field
With a pint of milk and the dagger from my Cluedo game?
I don't know, you tell me.
Addicted to predicting the end of the world
When it comes my voice won't be heard.
Addicted to thinking the world will come to a halt
And I will be the one pulling the brakes.
My pony only has one leg,
I painted it green and called it Billie Joe.
My tie dyed straight jacket goes great with my rainbow tattoo.
I have such talented poetic friends!…..
It's a little poem based on the two poet's recent experiences with men. Not just any old men, but those infuriatingly toxic ones whom, despite their complete lack of respect for women, manage to to turn us on. To quickly explain, here's a little introduction from a friend. All names have been changed!
From what I've heard of Frank so far,
He's a rich high-flying big buggar.
We ain't seen a pic of him,
But from what we've gathered he resembles a pimp.
Dave, oh well he's the same-
He's a lying bastard who deserves to be blamed
For thinking with his dick instead of his brain
And causing Steff lots of pain.
For his pleasure Frank sucks his own dick,
He names it "his Party Trick".
We should get them together and stone 'em to death.
Their heads are so big,
yet their brains are so small,
and when you think about it
They're not worth it at all.
And so on with the poem......
An Ode To Bastards by two girls not to be messed with (who get by with a little help from their friends).
________ is a wanker,
________ is a prick,
________ only wants me to suck his dick.
He thinks he's really gorgeous,
And he makes the ladies swoon,
But when you get to know him,
You'll find out he's a goon.
Don't introduce your friends to him,
You'll only want to castrate him.
And when he's no longer interested,
He doesn't like you to feel for him.
Don't ever try to do what's right,
Don't even try to explain,
Because I wouldn't be surprised
If he's already forgotten your name.
He makes you think he cares,
But then you'll see him stare
At a hoochie who just walked past
With her skirt shoved up her ass.
He compliments you, he talks to you,
He pretends to understand you.
He makes sure you think he's all you need,
But then you discover he lacks IQ.
________'s a real charmer,
With the intelligence of a llama,
And though he's a real turn on,
You don't want him to come on
Till his wondering ways are calmer.
He uses cheesy chat up lines,
Recycles the same ones time after time-
He hasn't the brains to think of any more,
If you wanna piss him off then call him a whore.
He oozes lovers' style,
And wins you with a coy smile,
But when you get to know him,
You wish you'd run a mile.
He'll love you for a while,
Then accuse you of cramping his style,
So tell him where to f*cking well go,
Or else he'll leave you feeling low.
He'll change his mind real quick,
And wonder why we give him stick,
When it's not hard to understand,
'Cause he's a real dick.
He looks with his eyes and beckons,
But he comes in less than two seconds.
He thinks he's a real dish,
But really he's a big wet welsh fish.
________ is a bastard,
He really is a retard,
All he really cares about
Is if you make him hard.
He's so fucking vain,
He needs to feel pain,
I want to skin his ass raw,
And chop off his dick with a chain saw.
So we hope this poem's inspired you,
To tell that boy where to go to.
No need to give us thanks,
Simply print this off and fill in the blanks,
Then nail it to his front door,
Or mail it to the next girl he'll try to floor.
Ashley the sheepy thingy.
See, I'm so incredibly talented at writing kid's fairy-nightmares... did I say nightmares?.... hu, I mean fairy tales, yeah!. So here goes.....
Ashley was a little sheep who lived in a field next to a lovely sceneted rose bush. One day Ashley walked too close to the bus and became entangled on the roses prickly thorns. Ashley pulled and pulled but his soft woolly coat was caught very tightly. He bleated "baaaaa bbaaaa" but no one heard his cries. Then suddenly there came Ashley’s fairygodmother. "Whoosh ping pong bang. I'll grant you a wish Ashley if you can answer me one question". "baaaaaa" Ashley replied. "Ok Ashley, here is the question", said the fairy godmother. "What is the worst wish that you could wish for as to how you could possibly die?, answer me this and you can have your wish". "Baaa baaa baaa". then the fairygodmother waved her magic bong.. did I say no bong?, no children i meant to say wand....."ting!!" and Ashley got his wish... Ashley beautiful scraggy grey sheepy coat type thing came loose from his body and he was free from the thorns. But unfortunately a large vulture came swooping down from the sky and gobbled poor Ashley all up. And that, children is why you should never take off your coats or else you will end up like Ashley did. The End.