House

House

Synopsis: After being killed by being crushed to death in a mosh pit at a Marilyn Manson concerts, a group of teenagers are sent to hell to live in a large house on a hill. The fall from the sky into a firey place with black hills and large dragons floating in the red sky. The scene enters with Julia and Hannah dragging loads of suitcases along a long path.

Scene 1:

Julia: So I guess this is home for the next eternity.

Hannah: It's not so bad. It's better than most of the houses in Kingsley anyway!.

Julia: Yeah I suppose so. I'll take the room at the top, I should have a nice view of hell!.

Hannah: Holy shit!,

Julia: Cool!.

Jenna: Guys!, welcome to hell!, this is your party!.

Kath: Yeah baby!. Where've you been?

Greg: We've been waiting for like 4 centuries buddy!.

Julia: Sorry people, but it was Hannah's fault.

Hannah: Hey!, you were the one that wanted to go to the concert!

Julia: And you went after that girl in the mosh pit, so I followed.

Hannah: Yeah, but Julia... I'm bisexual you know!

Julia: Don't remind me!, anyway we got crushed to death...

Hannah: Blah blah fucking blah. Now do I take it we have UWW Internet access?

Corrine: What?

Hannah: Underworld Wide Web stupid!.

Jenna: Of course.

Julia: I still can't believe that we're all together in hell. How cool is that!.

Corrine: Yeah, Julia but you're dead.

Julia: No shit Sherlock!

Corrine: K, I was only saying!.

Julia: Sorry Corrine, it's just that I have to get used to being, well... kinda dead, it's all new to me!. Which room can I have?

Jenna: Well there's like 17 so choose which one u want.

Julia: K < leaves room>

Hannah: <holding phone> Shit!, god damn it!

Kath: Wat's the mater babe?

Hannah: There's no fucking signal down here!

Jenna: And you expected people to be able to phone you when you're in hell?, daft cow!.

Hannah: Well what will Steve do if he can't call me!, oh me god!, I feel a breakdown coming on!.

Scene 2:

Julia: This is so cool, it's like the Addam's Family!.

Greg: Yeah, it's great down here except for...

Julia: What?

Greg: Oh, um...um... nothing.

Julia: Look Greg, you've pissed me off now, except for WHAT???

Greg: Well we aren't supposed to tell you, until you've found out for yourself.

Julia: <picks up her shoe about to throw it at Greg> WHAT DAMN IT?!!!

Greg: well, once you've come in, you can't go outside... EVER.

Julia: What kind of a shitty thing is that?, is it some law?, why not.

Greg: you just can't. Anyway it's OK cuz we have underground tunnels to go to places so it's not that bad, but just don't open the door cuz you won't be able to pull yourself out of the vortex.

Julia: And where does the vortex lead to?, huh let me guess - Canada?! < laughs>

Greg: <seriously> Nooo... worse than that.....<gulps> T..T...Trendyworld.

Julia: Say no more!, STOP!, I understand!, shit!.

Hannah: <comes in thorugh door> What in Withnail's name is Trendyworld?.

Julia: I daren't even say... but I will!. If you love Rock music and all things occult then whe u die you come to hear, Underworld. If you're really good and heavenly you go to the Moorlands 6th From centre and if you're a t..t...tt...rendy, you go to TrendyWorld where the shoppnig malls are open 24/7, beauty therapy is free and pink adorns every inch of that fluffy, smiling place.

Greg: It's terrible, sometimes if you put your ear to the door, you can hear Alice DJ!.

Julia: That is tragic!.

Hannah: It's a damn good job we saved Corrine before it was too late!.

Julia: I think I'm gonna like it here!

Greg: you better do, you're here for eternity!.

Corrine: Aghh!, battlestations everyone she's here!.

Greg: Shit!, she's early today!, quick in here < pulls up a trap door in the stairs>

Julia: Who's here?

Greg: Louise Whitehorsen!

Hannah: Very funny, she's not dead, who is it really?.

Greg: Louise Whitehorsen. i'm telling you Hannah it is!.

Jenna: Let me at her!, I'll fucking kill her the skany cow!

Kath: Jen, come on now calm down, you couldn't anyway she's dead!.

Jenna: Huh!

Julia: how did she get to be down here?

Corrine: She isn't actually dead, she just made a pact with the Arch-angle Hammo to be the rent collector for the 3 realms.

Hanah; and the three realms are?....

Kath: Underworld

All: Hooray!

Greg: T...T...T..rendyWorld

All: Boooo!

Jenna: And The Moorlands 6th Form Centre

All: <scream>

Scene 3:

<later...>

Kath: do you think she's gone?

Corrine: I fucking hope so!!!!

Jenna: Coz... shhhhhh!

Corrine: Sorry!.

Julia: Look, I'm not afraid of her!, I'll go out and see.

Hannah: Can we order a pizza from down here?

Julia: You're sooo not touching pizza that I've got to eat girl!

Hannah: Ey!, that was....was.. the oven's fault.

Julia: My throat's gon dry can I have a drink of ater please?

Kath: Water?!!!....did you say water?!!!

All: <laugh their asses off>

Hannah: k, what's so funny?

Corrine: Ha!, we don't have water!,

Julia: Why not?, you have taps in the kitchen, I saw them.

Jenna: yeah but they don't run water, they run Vodka!. Duh!

Julia: Holy crap!

Scene 4:

Hannah: so, shall me and Julia do the washing up then?

Julia: Ey!, fuck you!. Julia don't do washing up!

Kath: It's ok cuz we just throw the stuff away

Julia: i'm gonna like living here. so what type of TV do u have?

Greg: It's all the same as the living get. Of course we don't have shitty shows like Supermarket Sweep, and crap like that.

Kath: But we do have our own version of Teletubbies.

Jenna: Mmm it's great. There's Charlie-Manson <Tinky winky>, Tipsy <Dipsy>, Vod-ka <La-La> and Blow <Po>.

Julia: No...more...vodkaaaaahhhhhh!

Jenna: U wait 'till u have a shower!, it's really crap cuz I can't take my fag in there cuz I'll set meself alight.

Hannah: <laughs unnervingly>.

Corrine: Shall we go through house rules now?.

Julia: U must be fucking joking!.

Corrine: Rule number 1... if any person/s here present engage in activities such as ridiculing or extracting the piss out of the way people cook pizza then they get put underneath the linen basket for a week.

Julia: OK, so do u guys know how FUCKING CRAP Hannah is at cooking pizza's?.

All: No, why don't you tell us Julia?

Hannah: I can cook chips and spicy fries though!.

Julia: well m'kay you can have that one then.

Corrine: And the final rule is that if they continue to be a pain in the aorta then they'll be put in Time out.

Julia: What?

Corrine: Time out, it's where you have to sit on Louise's knee in the corner of the kitchen until we say u can come off.

Hannah and Julia: Frigginghell!.

Julia: Ok, reality check here. This is getting too obscure. K, I'm dead, that I can handle...I'm about to spend eternity in a house with all my mates who are acting like My Little fucking Ponies.. well that can be compensated for- but under no circumstances am I going to sit on that whore's lap!.

Kath: Well Greg didn't mind last time he... < greg scowls> oops!.

Greg: Anyway as Coz was screaming, those are the rules, we didn't make them, the boss did so they have to be stuck to.

Hannah: Yes Cap'n Greg!.

Julia: so who do we have for neighbours?.

Jenna: K, so at number 666 we have Lucifer, Lord of the underworld... he lives with Maggie thatcher and their little boy Bob Monkhouse, then at number 3 there's Kurt Cobain, the reminents of The New Kids on the Block, they share the house with the Carebears, and then there's us at number 17.

Scene 4:

Hannah: so, shall me and Julia do the washing up then?

Julia: Ey!, fuck you!. Julia don't do washing up!

Kath: It's ok cuz we just throw the stuff away

Julia: i'm gonna like living here. so what type of TV do u have?

Greg: It's all the same as the living get. Of course we don't have shitty shows like Supermarket Sweep, and crap like that.

Kath: But we do have our own version of Teletubbies.

Jenna: Mmm it's great. There's Charlie-Manson <Tinky winky>, Tipsy <Dipsy>, Vod-ka <La-La> and Blow <Po>.

Julia: No...more...vodkaaaaahhhhhh!

Jenna: U wait 'till u have a shower!, it's really crap cuz I can't take my fag in there cuz I'll set meself alight.

Hannah: <laughs unnervingly>.

Corrine: Shall we go through house rules now?.

Julia: U must be fucking joking!.

Julia: OK, so do u guys know how FUCKING CRAP Hannah is at cooking pizza's?.

All: No, why don't you tell us Julia?

Hannah: I can cook chips and spicy fries though!.

Julia: well m'kay you can have that one then.

Corrine: And the final rule is that if they continue to be a pain in the aorta then they'll be put in Time out.

Julia: What?

Corrine: Time out, it's where you have to sit on Louise's knee in the corner of the kitchen until we say u can come off.

Hannah and Julia: Frigginghell!.

Kath: Well Greg didn't mind last time he... < greg scowls> oops!.

Greg: Anyway as Coz was screaing, those are the rules, we didn't make them, the boss did so they have to be stuck to.

Hannah: Yes Cap'n Greg!.

Julia: so who do we have for neighbours?.

Jenna: K, so at number 666 we have Lucifer, Lord of the underworld... he lives with Maggie Thatcher and their little boy Bob Monkhouse, then at number 3 there's Kurt Cobain, the remnants of The New Kids on the Block, they share the house with the Carebears, and then there's us at number 17.

Kath: And not forgetting woss'is'name?, erm Elvis yeah that's it.

Julia: Elvis is in hell?.....whatever dudes.

Greg: He's got this really noisy dog that howls all day long, you can't get any sleep.

Julia: Well do u want me to shoot it?

Jenna: No!, that would be too obvious. We need something more discrete......

Corirne: Well I've just been 'a bakin' some cookies, who want's one?.

Jenna: <snaps fingers> By jimmeny!, I've got it!

Greg: Ok then fucking Einstein let's hear it then...

Jenna: we just slip some flower killer into some of Coz's cookies and hey presto!, Satan's your uncle- one even deader dog!.

Julia: I'll go over. I've always hated Elvis.

Corrine: Aghhhhhh you wanna use some of corrine's cookies?, Corrine is the cookie monster, she bakes them for her friends but not to give to frickin' dogs!.

Greg: OK then corrine, I give u permission for u to smack my head constantly for 10 WHOLE MINUTES! if u give us some for the dog.

Scene 5:

<Julia on the way in the tunnel to Gravelands (pun on Elvis former home of gracelands) with a plate of cookies>'

Elvis: Uh-huh well little Missy, what do you have there?.

Julia: Elvis...

Elvis: No baby, call me the King!

Julia: Elvis....

Elvis: King!

Julia: Whatever, look, we baked too many cookies and we wondered if you wanted them?

Elivs: well er.. thank you very much. I'm all shook up!, it's a nice thought. If I don't manage to eat them all, I'll give them to my Houndawg Mrs. Dimbleby or sell them at the heart break Hotel.

Julia:God damn it!, pleaaaaaase stop this irony and double entendres- it's getting on my nerves. Hmmm ok. Well bye then Elvis <walks back into tunnel>

Elvis: KING!, I AM THE KING! < shouting from door>

Scene 6:

Greg: < shouts from upstairs> What the fuck?...aghhhhh my sexy beast has got no electricity!!!.

Jenna: Shit!, my chainsaw has no power!!!

Julia: My 'puter has no energy!

Hannah: And my....my.....erm... oh yeah my Oven isn't working either!.

Corrine: There's a power cut!

Julia: What are we gonna do?

Kath: Scream!

Greg: AGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Kath: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia: Hey ppl

Kath: so your dead too?, oh.

Mike: Yeah, we've brought candles cuz of the power cut.

Liz: It's a good job that we were doing candle magik at the time, cuz they came with us when a 40 tonne concrete elephant fell on Mike's house.

Mike: Can we crash here then?

Jenna: Hmmm, well once you come in you can never go out again.

Hannah: Hi Liz and Mike.

Liz: Hi, we've come to live with you.

Hannah: well, that's cool, but there's a vortex in the toilet. I'm off to find a plunger!.

Julia: There's a VORTEX IN THE LOO?, holy crap!.

Jenna: Literally!.

Greg: So what shall we do?.

Kath: Well it might save having to flush the toilet!

Julia: Um yeah, but your arse might get sucked into another dimension!.

Kath: Agh!, it's worse for Greg cuz if his er... u know got sucked in I'd never be able to have his kids!.

Jenna: Well I'll leave you lot here cuz I'm going to the pub.

Julia: Yeah I hear you Jenna!, I'm coming too, it sucks when it's dark!.

Corrine: Let's all go.

Julia: It's great fun getting prunk in dublic, <hiccup> oops, I meant getting drunk in public, soory I've been drinking tap water all day

All: <look in disbelief>

Julia: Sorry, I was thirsty!.

Liz: Well I've got matches... we could have a camp fire.

Jenna: Liz.... we ain't in a field, we're in a house!.

Liz: So?!

Scene 7:

Hannah: We could toast marshmellows!

Julia: Or babies!

Kath: Ey!, noooo unhappy thought!

Julia: <still marinated in "tap water"> well....we could go and get some toliet roll.

Kath: what for?

Corrine: Oh, I think she wants to toast it!

Julia: No..., it's just that I need something to block up Greg's mouth with... he's trying to write songs in upstairs.

Corrine: In the dark??

Hannah: Hey, it's one of Julia's weird plays so anything could happen!

Jenna: that sounded really gay so don't say it again.

Hannah: OOOooooo sorry darlin but you know I'm....

Julia: .....Bi, yes we've heard it before Hannah.

Hannah: Fine!, I'll just go and fetch a pizza from the freezer then!.

Greg: Anyone wanna help me write a song?

Julia: Go on then.. the pub isn't open yet.

Greg: I thought about "Bong..bong my lovely little bong, running through the...forest. You're long long hair, swaying in the breeze...", k?.

Jenna: That's a crappy alternative to MY LUVLY HORSE in Father Ted, u arse.

Julia: O..K, then maybe Greggy, for the chorus you could... "Bong goes boing!, bouncy bouncy bong!", wouldn't THAT be cool!.

Greg: Fine, if you're not going to respect my creative talents I'll just have to resort to eating Hannah's pizza to gain inspiration.

Kath:...and food poisoning!.

Julia: <lol>

Mike: When we were passing through the gates of hell I noticed the house where Georgie Pegg lives. I said "Ooh look Liz.. look at that", didn't I Liz?

Liz: Yes Mike you did. Mike said Oooh look at that house!.

Jenna: Oh how fuckin' precious!.

Corrine: You lot couldn't possibly realise how fucking bored I am!. so I'm off to cause havoc among the underground tunnels of Top Shop.

Scene 8:

Greg: <comes back in> I know!, I have it!, the perfect song!. Oops I did it again!.

Julia: how dramatically apt!.

Kath: < remains silent>

Corrine: So I assume that the dishwasher won't be working now then?. I'll go and do it then.

Jenna: you can't there's no washing up gloves left, i used them for....oh nevermind.

Liz: It's OK cuz I have some....

Hannah: Liz!.

Julia: The pub shoudl be open now, let's go have a drink.

Jenna: Let me feed Roll-up first.

Julia: Who the hell is roll up?

Kath: It's her pet who lives under the floor boards. She starves it and then feeds it toilet paper once every week.

Hannah: what kind of animal is it?.

Kath: It's an evolved species of Pete... but we don't talk about that.

Julia: Who wants some vodka melon?

Hannah: <hurls>

Julia: not again!, come on Hannah stay with us!!!.

Kath: Hmmm how do u make vodka melon?

Julia: easy!, just stick it on the end of a tap and fill it full of vodak and leave it to marinate for a couple of lightyears.

Mike: Do you have cars in hell?.

Scene 9:

Greg: <In his bedroom with the door open holding up one of Liz's dresses up to himself to the mirror.>

Corrine: <walks past> hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa!, everyone Greg is a cross-dresser!.

Kath: I've got some shoes that would go lovely with that!.

Greg: Well you know, I'd love to try Jenna's New Rock boots!.

Julia: You could borrow my cape if u wanted, and I could plait your hair.

Greg: Erm.. it's OK I just wanted to see what it was like and if it would suit me!.

Hannah: Becareful Greg!, if Mike sees you in Liz's dress he might mistake u for her!.

Greg: I'd give him the fucking stake if he did!.

Julia: Let's play a game then...

Hannah: I thought we were going dawn da pub?

Julia: yeah but I keep getting these crappy ideas of what we could do!.

Scene 10:

Julia: Man, I have to get over my obsesison with squirty foam filler!. It's so damn cool!. It expands to 30 times its size!.

Hannah: wow, can I have a go?

Julia: NOOOOO it's Julia's squirty foam!!!. I need to find little holes to fill....

<LATER.......>

Greg: Well, u guys, I..I...think Julia's solved the toilet vortex problem!!!

Julia: THE WONDERS OF SQUIRTY FOAM!!!

Kath: Um, yeah whatever..

Corrine: i'm great at DIY

Julia: Meeeeee too.

Greg: Well we should re-decorate this place. we could stick 30ft high posters of Jon Davis everywhere.

Julia: and have a whole room dedicted to Seth!.

Jenna: We should paint the ceilings dark blue and the floors crimson

Kath: That's a good idea oakily dokily, indeedily dooo....ooooo..oooo <stops still>...what the fuck is THAT?!! < points to a large "thing" coming down the stairs like a monster>

Greg: What the hell kind of foam did u use to fill up he toilet with Julia???

Julia: It said on the bottle Squirty foam filler... fills any hole, anysize, also can be used as a contraceptive.

Hannah: It's coming right for us!.

Julia: He he he.. that's a quote from Volcano ep. of SP series 1!.

Kath: fuck, ur sad!.

Julia: I know!.

Hannah: Nice setiment there ppl but it's gona kill us!

Jenna: we're already dead!.

Mike: I could skate over there and kick it square in the nuts!

Liz: No you won't!, we'll try reasoning with it!.

Julia: <has a great idea and goes back into kitchen>

Monster: If you wanna be my lover.......

All: What in the name of bondage is THAT?, agghhhhh Spppppppice grrls!.

Hannah: Ey!, what are you doing with my pizza?, give it back, I was gonna eat that in a minute!.

Julia: Everyone!!, duck!

Liz: Quack!

Julia: No, watch out < she frisbee throws the burnt pizza towards the monster and it explodes and leaves a thick coat of black shit on the walls>

Greg: Hmm... nice shade, I guess we don't have to decorate anymore!.

Scene 11:

<house, Hannah enters and telephone rings>

Hannah: Okies!, hello. Denise is that u hun?. How are u?.... what, what, WHAT????, K, sweeties love u, say hi to Danni for me! < puts phone down> Darlings!, that was London Denise and she says that Kerrang want us lot to do an interview on bring dead.

Julia: That's...spooky, how can Densie phone you when she's alive and how the fuck can we go to the Kerrang HQ?

Hannah: She says that we can do the interview over the Underweb and email it to them.

Corrine: What in the name of dana International do they want with us?

Hannah: Well they want to interview greg cuz of anarkiha, Julia cuz of that time she kidnapped Dexter Holland, Kath cuz she's the first dead person to have a baby, Corrine cuz she's so ace!.....Jenna cuz she was Ozzy's last fuck, and me cuz I sound camp today.

Kath: Guide camp!

Hannah: no Kath, sit down.

Julia: anyways what makes you think Julia's gonna speak to mortals?

Hannah: Because silly darlin'

Julia: Ey!, dont' call me darlin'!

Hannah: ....because they're gonna do a 12 page special on Jeremy Popoff's beard.

Julia: No more needs to be said!.

Jenna: I'm not going anywhere, I have this stupid itch all over me.

Julia: more calamine lotion!!!!

Jenna: no, it's pissing me off....

Greg: No Jenna, you're just getting PARANOID!.

Hannah: well hurry up or else you'll be late for the doctor and miss your CRAZY TRAIN!!!.

Jenna: ENOUGH!.

Julia: come to think of it, I fell kinda ill too.

Kath: I feel weird

Liz; Me to

Kath: It's cuz you're fucking pregnant stoopid!.

Mike: I don't fell weird.

Hannah: Oh yes you do...u may not realise it yet... that part hasn't kicked in!

Liz: Ey!, dunner be horrible!.

Julia: I need a drink.

Scene 12:

<house>

Greg: I'm gonna die!, i'm gonna fucking die!!!, ohmigod I'm never showering again...never shaving again...never moving house again...never standing in the edge of the road again and most definately standing on train tracks!.

Julia: Greg, K, that was a movie... things that happen in movies never happen in real life, and you can't die twice...maybe feel like it after a bad joint but it's not gonna happen.

Kath: So I suppose that Titanic was just a tradgedy made up to pull in the crowds!.

Hannah: And so the Care Bears in Carealot were just made up to promote the toys then!.

Julia: Well... erm.. yeah.

Hannah: Oh woe!, oh misfortune!, my life has been pulled apart, my comprehensions have been ripped at the seams, and fuck... I have a ladder in my tights!.

Corrine: I have to go now to take Jenna to Trendy dance lessons, so i'll see you guys later.

Julia: bye

Greg: Ey!, wait one-Academy-of-sound-darn-minute, Jenna has a bass lesson with your truly not dance lessons.

Corrine: JENNAAA!!!!!!

Jenna: You know Corrine, it's not that necessary to shout, I mean I can hear you.. infact I can hear 4 of you. what do u want?

Greg: Jenna!, how can you do this to me?, I am your bass teacher for god's sake!, why are you two-timing me.

Jenna: Ey?!, pub??.

Hannah: what?

Jenna: Pub

Greg: so who are you going wit hthen?, me or Corrine?...<corrine smacks him on the head> Ow, cut it out !

Corrine: No one chooses a Canadian over corrine!, agghhhhh < proceeds towards greg holding her phone> aghhhhhhh! <still charing and slips on one of Hannah's pizza crusts on the floor> Goddamnit!.

Kath: Ok ppl, I think we have a problem here....

All: <looked puzzled>

Kath: Skank is on her way!

Liz: I'll fucking rip her tits off!, let me at her!... on second thought I'll put on a radiation protection suit, i'm not THAT desperate to catch crabs!.

Jenna: <perks up and shouts, throwing arm into the air> BATTLE STATIONS!... fuck, where are my Pokeballs when you need them??!!!!!! FUUUUUUck.

Julia: <throws the Lookatchu ball to her> Jenna!

Corrine: What the fuck are you doing letting yourself into OUR house?

Julia: Yes Skank, sod off.

Louise: Hiya everyone!, it's me, I've just come to invite you to a party I'm having.

Julia: No thanks, we don't want to go anywhere.

Lousie: well i'm having a lingerie party for all us girls at my house down here and you have to come.

Jenna: the thought of you in anything white and lace makes me puuuuuuuukkke <runs off to kitchen>

Julia: this is almost as bad as the lobster story!.

Hannah: euhgggggh < runs into kitchen to join Jenna>

Julia: Great!, now we have communal vomitting!. i've had enough of this!, get out of our house, tke your STD's with you and your badly coloured hair and PISS OFF!. <throws her out of front door>... well sod me, I have to disinfect everything now!.

Kath: < comes backinto scen holding something> Just out of interest who's is this Sweedish Penis Enlarger I've just found in the laundry basket???.

Scene 13:

Corrine: I've called this house meeting to discuss who this belongs to < holds up the pump>. Now I thought we agreed that no erm... toys of that nature would be allowed on the premises.

Julia: Have I seriously missed something?

Jenna: It's just a thing we have about these things..... you know THESE things like this... toyd.

Julia: K, I get you, but what's the harm. we all know who's it is... there's only one lad in the house.

Liz: there's Mike as well!

Julia: That's what I meant!... no seriously does it really matter?, what's the big deal.

Kath: So you don't know what happened last time then?

Julia: Duh!, obviously not or else I wouldn't be fucking asking you!.

Jenna: <sets scene, lights dim and she puts a torch up to her head> It was a cold, cold, cold, cold, but I suppose..... moderately warm summers night. We'd just come back from digging some graves when we saw it.

Julia: It?, ey?

Hannah: It?

Jenna: It

Julia: It?

Hannah: It?

Julia: what?

Kath: Yes! fucking It!, now get on with the story!!!!!!

Jenna: Anyways, we decided to smoke a couple of joints we'd saved from the night before. So we raleighed around and collected all manners of bongs and pipes etc. So there we were, you know smoking it... and then we got a little inquisitive.

Greg: Basically, we got so high that we emptied all the kitchen cupboards and sat inside them singing Paranoid until 3am.

Jenna: Yeah, and then we left the bong upstairs and couldn't be bothered to fetch it so we "improvised".

Greg: Improvised

Jenna: Yes improvised.

Julia: Improvised huh?

Hannah: Impro... oh fuck it's pissing me off too now, get on with it

Jenna: So I decided to try it with the the ting we found inside the cupboards.

Corrine: it must have been there before we moved in.

Jenna: So, me being the kind, animal lover that I am.. we decided to make our pet armadildo high too to share in our joy.

Julia: This is getting boring. Get to the point.

Jenna: That was just it, the point. I stuck Dilly's head in the pump and accidentally made her spontaniously combust.

Greg: It's too painful to talk about. The taps were covered in Armadildo goo for weeks until we cleaned them.

Julia: < laughs> lol, you CLEANED!, good one!.

Jenna: U may take the piss now.... but hat was what happened. And that is why we dont' allow any kind of pump or enlarger in the house. We threw it back under the sink after it happened and it's been there since. I miss my armadildo!.

Corrine: And that is the end of the tale. Amen.

Scene 14:

Corrine: I'm baking cookies this morning!.

Julia: Well I do declare Miss Wright!, how delightful!. And are you going to give those delicious double chocolate fudge chip cookies to the little baby orphans that are so in need of deliciously chocolatey goodness?

Corrine: No, they're for later when we watch the movie.

Julia: What movie? <continues whilst making a cup of coffee>

Corrine: Hannah's rented a movie out and we're gonna watch it later after Trendy Combat training.

Julia: M'kay, that's cool. I'll get some houmous and some curly fries then.

Corrine: Anway, they are orphan penguins, not kids.

Julia: you weren't taking me seriously were you?, when would I help a kid?, and especially givwe them fucking chocolate!, that's funny.

Corrine: Jenna's bringing one of her mates over too. His name is um.... I forget now, it'll come to me later.

Julia: Ok then Corrine. I'll see u later I'm just gonna go do some more shit to my website so i'll be upstairs.. or on the roof throwing stones into Elvis' garden. < takes the a copy of Kerrang and her LARGE mug of stemaing hot coffee full and rich in caffine goodness and makes her way to the stairs. There's a knock at the door.>

Corrine: i can't get it, my hands are covered in chocolate.

Julia: fine then!, Julia will get the door, it'll take too long to wait for the Butler I suppose, ooh...wait I am the Butler!, silly me.... < swears whilst opening the door>

No one's fucking there!, son of a bitch! <goes to shut the door and sees a small cot on the step with somethign inside it> Holy shit it's a baby. Oh migod what do I do? <thinks for a moment, then slams the door and leaves it alone, in the cold, in the dark on the step>

Corrine: Maybe it was a Johovas Witness, or a coffine salesman.

Julia: <tense> No...one was there.

Corrine: fine, u told me once already!.

Julia: Nooooo one at all... not even a little baby, baby???!, did I say baby?

Corrine: <nods head>

Julia: I meant gravy... yeah that's right gravy. That damn gravy is always blockign up the fucking guttering!!!.

Corrine: I'm not believing you here. Julia is there a baby outside?

Julia: Yes Corrine, we need Kath she'll know what to do.

Corrine: But Kath isn't here, she's gone out with the others.

Julia: Well what the fuck are we meant to do then?

Corrine: I don't know.....can u smell burning?...aghhhhhhhh! my fucking cooooookiesssss!

Julia: <has idea> I know what we can do with the baby!

Corrine: <turns around and smiles> yup...yuppp.......yupppppp my guilty conscience will not be affected by this devilishly evil act.

Julia: well people must do it cuz they always talk about "bun in the oven" when ppl are pregnant!.

Corrine: Well I don't know any recipies for baby. We could use it in sacrifice, with a port and orange sauce.

Julia: I dont' care what you...

Corrine: ME??, hey now, Corrine ain't no baby sitter!, I did enough of that with James!.

Julia: Well..... I'll do it then. If Kath comes back and finds we have a baby she'll wanna keep it and babie's means crying and toddlers and bb...bbbb....bbbbarbies!.

Corirne: Hell no!, I'll go and fetch it.

Scene 15:

Julia: I hate kids, I'm sorry but I have no maternal instincts!

Corrine: Well, maybe they can sense evil or something!.

Julia: Why thank you!

Hannah: Just look!, it's fucking raining fish!...eugh!.

Julia: Why are you holding one then?.

Hannah: I don't know. Apparently, someone let the plug out of the sea so now hell is gonna flood with sea water.

Julia: I've heard that brine is good for the complexion

Corrine: yeah but it makes your fingers all wrinkly!.

Hannah: <sniffs air>, what's that I can smell?, are you cooking steak?, eugh I hate the smell of meat. Is that cranberry and oragne I can smell too?

Corrine: <looks at julia>

Julia: Um yeah.....

Hannah: Well I'm going for a shower. Let me just take a look>

Julia: <jumps infront of oven> no... you can't look... it's too horrible. It's all dead and bloody.

Hannah: OK, Julia... since when has steak cried like a baby?

Corrine: That's not a baby!, ho ho ho. No it's me!, yeah listen <starts to scream>... hmmmm

Hannah: God damn it!, you've got a kid in the oven! <after initial shock she screams> OHMIGOD!, WHY do you have a baby in the oven, who's baby is it?.

Julia: Don't freak out... have one of corrine's cookies, see?. Now I found it outside on the step, I didn't know what to do with and Kath wasn't here...

Corrine: Oh shit, what will Kath think?

Hannah: I dunno but I'm not bad with babies

Julia: It's a shame u couldn't cook babies like you do your pizza's!

Hannah: <scowls> Cut the crap!, that joke's really overused now!.

Julia: K... back ot the baby inthe oven.

Hannah: well you can't just leave it in there, u can still hear it crying.

Corrine: We could put it in the freezer!

Julia: Hooray!, great idea!. Now where are the oven gloves?

Hannah: We'll have to move it qucikly before Kath comes back, if she knows we have a baby in the house she'll keep it.

Julia: Hannah!, shit, we can't fit the fucking thing in because of your fucking frozen fuckin' pizza's!.

Hannah: Well fucking move them with your fucking hands then. I'm going for a shower.

<LATER>

Greg: There's fuck all on TV... I NEED SKY down here.

Liz: There's trendy wrestling on in 5 minutes.

Greg: Now you're talking!.... they usually fight to the death armed with lipstick and a copy of Trance Nation.. great television viewing!.

Mike: Well we need snacks and shit to eat then don't we!

Julia: I'm not eating shit as snacks!

Mike: I wasn't being metaphorical!.

Corrine: Julia!!!!!

Julia: What????

Corrine: <signals her to go into the hallway> What the fuck are we gonna do?, the kid's in the freezer and if they get frozen stuff, they're gonna see it!.

Julia: Hmmmm... what wouild Brian Boitano do?

Corrine: I don't know, but I do know what Billie Piper would do!

Julia: This is not the time for pop songs Corrine. we have a semi frozen crying baby in the freezer, we're about to be put through an hour of Trendy wrestling and I have have run out of houmous.

Corrine: COOKIES!, we can use them as snacks so that they don't find the baby. Here, I'll go and get them and you go down to the freezer and deal with the baby.

Julia: Shit, why me?. I'll have to find somewhere to put the damn thing first!.

Corrine: Try the washing machine.

Julia: K, I'll stick it in there then.

Greg: Come on..... I hate the bloody news....

Liz: He he he, I've never heard u say bloody before!.

Greg: Get over it!

Newsreader: This is a state of emergency....At approximately 10:15am today Tony Blair's baby was snatched from 10 Downing Street and thrown into a hole full of water just outside of Gap at Piccadilly circus, London.

Corrine: <pops head round door> shit....

Newsreader: The Blair's are offering a reward of a selecton of choice cut BBQ meats on earth for the safe return of their baby.

Scene 16:

<house>

Julia: <looks out of window at midnight and calls the whole house to come and look>

Hannah: What the fuck is that?

Kath: i don't know, but I think I'm having a nightmare here ppl!.

Greg: It looks like a person

Jenna: A very strange fucking person!... kinda has the shape of a pig. What the fuck is a pig doin' in our garden?.

Kath: <a bolt of lightning reveals the sillouette of Louise Whitehorsen lying on a sun bed> Now I KNOW I'm having a nightmare!.

Julia: what the fuck is she doing?.. I have to go outside.

Hannah: Someone should go with her, hmmmmm... anyone?

Kath: I'm not risking my life out there unleashed with that terrifying whore!

Greg: Who.. Julia?

Kath: No stupid boy, Louise!.

Julia: Louise you bloody piece of dog excrement, just what the fuck are you doing in our garden then?.

(Louise) Skank: Sunbathing.

Julia: Louise!, it's dark, it's cold ,it's wet and ..... and.... holy juniper berries!. What are you wearing?... it's a ...it's a....... <runs back into house, slams door> No body look out of hat window!.

Hannah: Why?.

Julia: She's wearing.......a swimsuit!, she's "sunbathing" in our garden in a swimsuit!. It's a terrible sight... infact!, ohmigod!, I’m BLIND!.

Hannah: really?

Julia: yes!, Jesus, the shock of such a horrific sight has made me loose my sight!. Oh!.........

Hannah: come and sit down, someone get that bitch out of our garden, NOW!.

Liz: I'll handle this one... I've been coming for her for a long time.

Julia: <laughs, smirks and generally is amused> Thank Ozzy!, the power of laughter has healed me!, I can see!.

Corrine: Thank Rowfers for that!, tea anyone?.... vodka?.... cranberry juice?

Liz: No thanks Coz.. chainsaw would be good.

Julia: Hooray!.

Hannah: Yup...yup...yuppppppp hat's soooo Norma. Julia.... why do you have a tropical banana plant sticking out of your wardrobe?

Julia: I haven't... it's...it's...a large coat hanger.

Greg: with green leaves and an Indian Monkey sitting on top of it.

Corrine: Actually all monkey's are French.

Greg: I mock you with my monkey pants!

Kath: Greg! no!

Greg: What????... it's a Buffy quote!.

Kath: Hmmmmm

Scene 17:

<house, enter Jenna who's wearing a virtual reality helmet>

Jenna: Well blow me down with Sharon Osbourne!, this is so cool!.

Julia: where are you now?

Jenna: ...ahhh that would be telling!.

Hannah: I bet I can guess!

Julia: go on then, I'll make u coffee if ur right.

Jenna: You'll never guess <bends down and back up again and shakes fist in air> I love VR.

Hannah: K, erm.. now let me see. If there was one place Jenna could be hm...... K, got it.. .in bed with Ozzy Osbourne!.

Jenna: Ha!, been there, done that, got the stained sheets to prove it!.

Julia: That was more than we needed to know!.

Hannah: K, I was wrong. How's about in bed with Brian Molko?

Julia: It's obvious where she is!.

Hannah: fine then!, where?

Julia: SHE'S RELIVING THE LAST SUPPER!

Jenna: Yep, and it;s pretty fucking good at the moment. I'm just goin' backstage now....actually I think I'll take this upstairs!.

Greg: <wanders in holding his left arm in his hand> I do not believe it!.

Kath: Holy balls!.... of potato , what happened to you boy?.

Greg: I was attacked outside by a vicious Greek Salad.

Julia: don't talk such bullshit Greg, Greek salads don't attack you!.

Corrine: No... it's the Cyprus Salads that are the dangerous ones!.

Greg: No shit!, I'm telling the truth!. I was just taking the tunnel back from Academy of Ground Beef and there was like this line of marching salad. I walked straight past it cuz the leader, a scary butch looking piece of fetta cheese winked at me.

All: <truly riveted on the edge of the sofa>...and???

Greg: Well this leader ordered the salad to attack and they ripped my fucking arm off!.

Corrine: Hey no fair!, that was gonna be my next trick!.

Julia: Does it hurt?

Greg: Duh!

Hannah: I'm sorry, but I don't believe you.. I went to Greece last year and none of the salads there jumped on me and ripped off one of my limbs!. Have u been smoking weed again?.

Greg: No

Hannah: R u sure?

Greg: Yes.

Kath: Well.. I spose it could happen. Anything is possible in hell.

Julia: Me, always being the bearer of good news and tidings have just one thing to say...

Hannah: Only one????, shit, you usually have a dozen things to say!.

Julia: How are u gonna play ur guitar with one arm!.

Greg: I'm going to my room now to throw myself into a state of intense depression.

Kath; well this will cheer u up, we cut out this picture of Jon Davis from the back of the cereal packet this morning.

Scene 18:

Corrine: Since when do you tell me when I can pick up my fork?.

Greg: Put the god damned fork down!

Corrine: No, I don't want to... I quite like this fork and I want to hold it in my hand, so there!.

Greg: What would you do if I cut off your hand?, how would you pick it up then?.

Corrine: If you cut off my hand, I'd cut off your balls.

Greg: What?, with one hand?, it'd be a struggle!

Corrine: I..I..I'd use my fucking teeth then!.

Greg: You couldn't bend down far enough!

Corrine: No, OK, I'd use an electric bread knife then.

Greg: Why not go the whole hog and use an iron?.. or a washing machine.. or a toaster... or a cuddly toy!

Corrine: I'm still holding the fork if you hadn't noticed!.

Greg: All I want is for you to pick up the spoon and put down the fork. It's no big deal.

Corrine: I don't care. You have no fucking authoritah over me thank you Gregory.

Greg: Ha!, fine then!

Corrine: Aghhhhhh! < dives for him with the fork and stabs his arm>

Greg: fuck!, now I have one arm and it's got a puncture in it.

Corrine: I ALWAYS win!

Julia: Would you pack it in please?

Greg: Yeah!, this never happened to me when I was in good 'ol Canada buddy!.

Hannah: This cereal tastes weird, I think the milk is off.

Jenna: No, there is no milk Hannah, I said last night we had none.

Julia: sorry, that was me, I had a coffee binge last night. Oops.

Kath: so, Han what are you eating your cereal with?

Hannah: I don't know, I just found this bottle of milk..... oh shit. It's not... is it?.

Julia: Isn't what?

Kath: You know...

Corrine: <can't stop laughing>

Julia: no... you've got me on this one?, milk... oh shit what?, come on tell me!

Hannah: Dont be stupid!, you know....

Julia: What???

Jenna: <calls to Liz> Come here Liz!

Hannah: That's it exactly Jenna, thank you!.

Julia: Oh. < thinks for a minute> shit!, eugh!.

Jenna: So what is it then?

Julia: If you get pregnant now, we'll all know how it happened!.

Liz: Julia!, you can't get pregnant by drinking semen!.

Julia: how do you....?

Liz: That's not the point here!... lobster semen maybe, I'm not sure.

Kath: Hey!, girl eating toast here!

Corrine: EAT MORE TOAST!

Julia: AGGGHHHH

Kath: Yes, Coz, that is what Kath IS doing, I am eating toast!

Scene 19:

Hannah: Banana.

Kath: what?

Hannah: Banana!, banana!, banana!

Julia: shut the fuck up!.

Greg: Oranges

Hannah: banana

Julia: that girl has ADD!

Kath: No, she's just starved of attention ever since she had to leave Masie behind.

Corrine: If she's starved then let her eat the bananas then!

Hannah: BANANA’s!!!!!

Julia: I've never seen her like this before!.

Greg: We'll have to get her a substitute dog then!.

Julia: Yeah, good idea but I think Suki’s all booked up this week!.

Liz: well, why dont' we pretend to be dogs?... it can't be that hard!.

Jenna: some of us are just natural bitches!.

Julia: I agree, but I'm not been bathed, fetching sticks, eating dog food or sniffing my own shit.. I'll leave that to... to... Mike!.

Greg: we can take turns then. She can take me for a walk now, then she can dress Kath in collars and lads at midday and then she can de-flea Liz at 2pm.

Corrine: What can I do?

Greg: well... maybe you could do the part where dogs sniff each others' asses?.

Corrine; Do you see this frying pan in my hand?

Greg: Um....

Corrine: Well there is a reason why it has long handle!. I'm not gonna be a fucking dog. Let's get her a pet weed or something. Dandelions are very good companions!.

Kath: you better not be using this as an excuse to wear collars and get brushed boy.

Corrine: This is stupid. She's probably chanting banana cuz she's hungry < waves hands in front of face> Helloooooo!.

Hannah: Banana banana!, banana.

Julia: I'm getting so fucking sick of this!.

Scene 20:

<wooohoooo!>

Jenna: It's our 4month anniversary today ppl.

greg: has it really been that long?

Julia: What?

Kath: Fuck!, we've been dead for like 4 whole months!

Julia: You never told me how you died.

Jenna: I bet you expect me to now don't you?... well tough shit. It's too long to go into, and Jenna can't be arsed!.

Hannah: but I wanna know!.

Corrine: I'll tell them, I don't mind.... it's a boring story though.

Greg: Whoa yeah! REALLY boring and long and pointless.

Corrine: Thank you Greg!, shut up. It goes like this... we were coming back from Ciao camp in the mini bus. there was me, Greg, Jenna and Kath. We were driving along the road near the edge of a steep bank. Kath wanted us to turn up the radio cuz Britney Spears was on. So Jenna tried to stop her and accidentally knocked the gear stick and elbowed Brian the driver in the thorax, which made him choke and then her dog collar caught on his throat. He swerved and hit a tree.

Hannah: fuck!, you hit a tree and died!.

Corrine: nope.... that ain't the end of it!. We were all alright but Brain was dead. so Greg suggested he should try and drive... this is the boring bit......

Greg: I put my foot on the accelerator and reversed right back along a strange road. It was weird driving backwards but I knew we passed a road sign a few mile back. The we hit an ice cream van, then an ambulance, and then....

Jenna: And then Greg, you bastard rammed straight into a MacDonald's Drive Thru. Corrine landed in a fryer and burnt to death. Greg went straight through the window and hit his head on the till and bled to death. Kath skidded into the baby changing room and got her head caught in the drop down baby changer. so she was decapitated. Then Jenna landed in the staff toilets and drowned.

Julia: And this was meant to be BORING????

Hannah: Someone should turn that into movie!

Julia: Or even a script!.

Hannah: whatever!.

Julia: I see your banana phase has departed

Hannah: Yeah, i don't know what came over me. I like taking Greg out for walks though!, we should do it more often!.

Scene 21:

Julia: U guys.. remember when we left high school?

Hannah: I tried to forget all of that

Jenna: my therapist told me that I should concentrate on the future not my horrific past at Painsley.

Julia: I suppose getting locked in Mr. Westonators room on that hot day made u loose your mind!.

Jenna: And my sense of smell!

Greg: well, at least my arm seems to be growing back day by day!

Corrine: AGGGGHHHH, Greg. K, arms just don't grow back.

Julia: You could grow an arm made out of cress!,. U'd have to stick the stump into a bowl full of water and blotting paper and wait a couple of weeks!.

Kath: Yeah, and then when u get hungry or need a healthy salad addition u could take a nibble!.

Julia: we should go out somewhere this weekend.

Hannah: we could have a bbq.

Greg: Hannah, everyday we see ppl being grilled to death down here, it's hell. so maybe seeing the sight of burning animal flesh wouldn't be too appetising!.

Hannah; well I'm a vegetarian so I wouldn't eat it!.

Kath: Out of interest, can u bbq pizza's?

Mike: I dunno, I've got a bike chain marinating in the fridge if u want to cook that.

Liz: <laughs>

Kath: No.. erm Mike I think maybe not!.

Jenna: so, if we’re not gonna have a bbq then what shall we do

Corrine: <whispers to Julia> Hey, Julia. we could bring that baby up from down stairs and put that on. They'll never know what it was they ate!

Julia: Good idea!. Last time I looked it had 12ft of green mould growing from it.

Corrine: I told u to feed it!

Julia: Ooops.

Jenna: Well the sun's nearly up and it's getting lighter, so I’ll be off to bed.

Kath: Meeeee toooooo

Greg: I'm coming

Corrine: yes Greg, you will be in a minute!

Julia: That was totally out of order Coz, you know I'm the one with all of the sick innuendo's and jokes!.

Corrine: Well SOR-RY!. I'll just tell Corrine to shut up then!. Fine!, I'll go upstairs and book Hannah her colonic irrigation appointment then!.

Julia: < rolls over in a dream> FUUUUUUUUCK!.

Hannah: Why the fuck are you screaming?

Julia: I had a dream, a very scary dream, it was cool!.

Greg: Hmmm let me guess it was about dead mushrooms!

Julia: shut up. No. Hannah and Larah were kick boxing on the drive to my house then we were all smacking snakes against the wall in the dining room. Very surreal.

Jenna: Well, that's fucking brilliant, everyone gets awake because we think that Julia's being raped or strangled and come to watch and she's really having a fuckin' nightmare!.

Jenna: FEEEEEECCCCCCCCCK!

Julia: See it's happened to you!, what was in the dream!.

Jenna: <shaken> Well.. I was eating Kellog's frosties when my brother came in wearing a peach fur coat shouting they're grrrrrrrrrrreat.

Greg: Gggggggggrrrrrrrreg!

Jenna: Stop with the crappy puns Canadian!, it's not funny.

Julia: And.....

Jenna: then we were all standing dressed in orange pvc cleaning the White House windows!.

Julia: Theses dreams must mean something?

Corrine: what then Miss rocket fucking scientist!

Julia; I don't fucking know!, it's weird how we've both had fucked up dreams. Anyway I'm not a fully fledged rocket scientist, they kicked me out for trying to build a craft to go to the planet Seth.

< throughout the coarse of the night everyone else has the same thing happen, scene enters around the breakfast table>

Julia: U guys look like shit!

Kath: we have to get this dream shite sorted out. we can't all have nightmares like that!.

Julia: they must mean something. They're probably a link to how we can get back to earth or something!

Greg: I'd love to switch between earth and hell, we cold scare the shit out of ppl.

Julia; we could cheat on lottery tickets!

Jenna: And we wouldn't get caught for murder!.

Julia: It's only natural that when we're in hell we do evil things!.

Hannah: What?, like wearing purple and yellow together?

Julia: Eat your cereal!

Corrine: Toast!, plenty of toast, a little bit of toast < bursts into a toast song>

Hannah: I knew she shouldn't have had those 12 packets of Tootie fruties last night!.

Scene 22:

Julia: I was watching TV earlier and it had this man who was getting paid to have his fireman trapped in different stuff.

Greg: Gross!

Hannah: Really?!!!, was his name Steve?

Julia: no!. He had a choice of 5 different things to be trapped in.

Jenna: I'm intrigued!

Julia; there was choice between getting it accidentally trapped in Suki's mouth, a door, a freezer, a book and a laptop.

Kath: Laptop?, K, that’s not slightly fucked up!.

Corrine: How did he put it in?... no wait I think I have that mental image sorted out fine!.

Julia: I was laughing so hard I nearly spilled my beer!

Jenna: YOU NEARLY SPILLED YOUR BEER????? Holy shit!

Julia: He had to have his hands strapped in a cross and press the keys with his hotdog

Kath: woof

Julia: Errrr.... yeah, and so anyways, the presenter slammed the top shut on the count of 3.

Corrine: Wow, really funny stuff there Julia!

Julia: It was!. the after, it went all blue at one end.

Kath: Alright!, I've had enough of that!, it was bad enough seeing Mr. Bailey in a lace bask backstage at the Summer concert, but that is just awful!.

Scene 23:

Julia: Fuck things have been going really slowly around here recently. I'm getting bored.

Hannah: you're always bored!

Julia: Not always, I wasn't bored when I was in school mass, if I can survive that then I must be super human!.

Kath: Yeah, um.. a super DEAD human!.

Julia: do you think that I forget that I'm dead?, that's funny. Not being able to smash my fist into someone’s face or scream at my "sister", it's in my mind constantly.

Corrine: I miss screaming at Greg

Greg: Ey?, but I'm still here!

Corrine: Oh, sorry there Gregory, I didn't noticed you standing there, I thought we had grown a fir tree in the kitchen!.

Julia: Well, I had a shite day at work today. There were some American girls who thought it was great fun to scrawl "We love the Backstreet Boys" all over the arcade walls.

Mike: It was like that a few years ago with New Kids On The Block.

Julia: Shut up!, that's blasphemy!, never utter those words in this house again!

Jenna: My day at work was complete bollox too. I had this lady who kept putting the lampshades on her head and crying... very weird. I said I'd call the management but she didn't leave. Then I said to her... "Lulu, if you dont' leave I'll call security..." I said, she didn't like that!, I said get out and then I said "I hate your music".

Hannah: And, oh by the way Jenna did you SAY anything else? <laughs>

Greg: Well I got the tickets for Deading 2000 today

Julia: I'm going to V666 as well.

Jenna: Well none of them will be as good as The Last Supper!

Hannah: Whoa yeah, that Jesus bloke was really quiet!.... only joking Jenna, you can put the plate down now!.

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