December 1968 - Page 15

I have had several terrible shocks tonight, and at the moment, I am not sure where to turn. The first was at the hospital when I went to visit Joe. I turned and met the eyes of the creature that had tormented me more than I had thought possible, the creature that stole my most precious possession- my will – from me. I couldn’t help it – the sight of him – it made me scream and cower in fear. The thought of him touching me again, pulling away my collar, his hot, fetid breath on my skin. It still makes me shiver with revulsion. But it wasn’t Tom. Incredibly, it was his brother Chris Jennings – who unfortunately is the spitting image of Tom. He had come to visit Joe and to ask some very disturbing questions, and the answers must never be given to him.

He insisted on driving me back to Collinwood in an effort to grill me. I couldn’t help myself; just his proximity in the car made me nervous. The combination of his resemblance to Tom and his unrelenting inquisitiveness unnerved me.

I am unsure what to make of him. He questioned my reaction to him in the hospital, and he seemed skeptical of my affirmation that Tom was attacked by an animal. But I was able to deflect his questions and rather turn the tables on him by asking why it took him so long to come to Collinsport. And why he has ignored his sister, Amy, when she needs him so much.

He is such a strange young man who seemed to have as few answers for me as I had for him. Joe told me I must get him to leave town to keep him from learning the truth about Tom. That is the best course of action for Joe, for Barnabas, for me. But I am torn. As Amy’s doctor, I know how much she needs him in her life.

Before I had time to digest this dilemma, Vicki rushed in with the news that Jeff is in jail accused of murdering Eve! I immediately went to see Adam at Nicholas’ house. Oh, how I hate that house. Each time I go there, I literally must force myself to cross the threshold. It is as if all that is good in me rebels at entering that den of darkness. A deep chill touches me down to my bones, and I feel almost paralyzed by the evil that dwells there. But I had no choice tonight. As glad as I am that Eve has been destroyed, I fear for Adam, and therefore Barnabas, not to mention the injustice being done to Jeff. If I had any doubts whatsoever – and I did not – my conversation with Adam confirmed my firm suspicion that he had killed her. He denied it, so strenuously that he threw me out of the house, and he refused to help Jeff. Nicholas had been unaware of Eve’s death, and it fell to me to tell him. I suggested to him that he take Adam and leave town for everyone’s sake. It is so odd that I continually find myself in alliance with a man – or whatever he is – who turns my blood cold. (Episodes 627/628)

How I wish I had never heard of Mr. Nicholas Blair. One minute we are "collaborating" and the next, he is threatening me again. Or more accurately, threatening Barnabas. He insists that I help him bring Eve back to life! Blair has managed to place me between Scylla and Charbydis. If I do not help him, he will kill Adam therefore killing Barnabas as well. If I do help him, I will be party to far more than the ghoulish experiment I thought I was involved in; I will be assisting him in his plans to create a "new" Adam and Eve who along with their offspring will be children of Satan! Of all the things I have participated in at Collinwood – for Barnabas’ sake, for the sake of my research – nothing could be more horrifying than this. I am truly beginning to feel like I have become the ubiquitous "mad scientist" of a B horror movie. Only there are no female mad scientists in Hollywood – I guess I am unique. Who would play me in the movie, I wonder- Boris Karloff, Vincent Price? Or perhaps Bette Davis?

As I re-read my ramblings, I can see that I am close to panic for I seem to have no choice in the matter. I can’t abandon Barnabas now, not after all we have been through. I have already called him at Wyndcliffe, and he has agreed that he must return to help me. At least Nicholas assured me that Barnabas will be protected from Angelique. If I only knew what was driving Nicholas – he seemed desperate, on the verge of panic himself. The usually cool Mr. Blair was quite rattled. If I only knew why, perhaps I could put a stop to all of this… (Episode 629)

Where can Barnabas be? He has run off after Nicholas, and I am so worried that Nicholas will kill him – or do something worse. Nicholas was so desperate when Barnabas ruined the experiment. And yet, his powers seemed to have deserted him for some reason. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t use human methods to kill Barnabas. I wish I knew if he was all right.

I am also terribly concerned about Maggie who is upstairs resting now. She acted so strangely earlier when both she and Nicholas insisted that we use her as Eve’s life force. Blair had obviously done something to her. And now, with the experiment interrupted, she is completely disoriented. She doesn’t recognize me, this house or even her own name. It is appalling the way Maggie has been treated – by Barnabas, by Nicholas, even by me. This latest, this experiment – I said before that I feel like a mad scientist. Now I just feel disgusted, dirty, so dirty that I feel like I might never come clean.

Oh, Barnabas, I wish you would come home… (Episode 633/634)

Has there ever been another night like this one at Collinwood? Oh, I suppose there has – I’ve lost count by now, and I’m not thinking very clearly because I am so exhausted. Also in shock, I think.

I now think I may have had a premonition earlier in the evening when I worried that Nicholas might harm Barnabas in a terrible way. The evening has been such a jumble that I don’t even know where to start. My major concern now is that Barnabas will revert to what he was – his worst fear and mine as well.

After the failure of the experiment, Adam went wild. He kidnapped Vicki and brought her to the lab to torture her. In his irrational state, he blames everything on Barnabas and wants to get back at him in any way that he can. And when Barnabas threatened him with a gun, Adam blurted out something astounding. Adam said that if he dies, Barnabas will revert to what he was! My blood ran cold when I heard those words. But Barnabas shot Adam anyway to save Vicki. And now he and I must wait, for if Adam dies…And Adam has run off so I do not even know his condition.

So now I sit at Vicki’s bedside (I am worried about her – even before this attack, she has looked different to me the past few days – can’t quite pin it down), watching her, wondering about Adam. I am petrified for Barnabas. Oh, Willie and I know what to do; we can help him, protect him. The question is can Barnabas bear that existence again? Will he beg me to destroy him? I couldn’t do it before. I know I could not do it now.

Something else amazing has happened. Barnabas saw Nicholas disappear! We can only hope that he is gone for good. Barnabas and I were so elated about this development that we held each other for a moment, a moment that I wish could have lasted forever.

And now once again, Barnabas and I must dread the dawn. (Episode 635)

I often wonder how Barnabas finds the strength to bear the tragedy that has ruled his life. If only I could take away some of the pain for him. No sooner had we come to the conclusion that he would not revert – at least not today – than he learned that Vicki had married Jeff. He was devastated; he had never truly accepted Vicki’s feelings for Jeff, but now he must.

I am very concerned about his mental state right now. He has been on an emotional roller coaster since Blair forced me to prematurely release him from Wyndcliffe. Barnabas was so upset about Adam and Vicki that he did not sleep last night, and as soon as it was daylight, we headed immediately to confront our other problem – Angelique. I no longer know whether to call her the witch or the vampire or just refer to her as the b****. I could see that Barnabas was at the end of his rope. He was so anxious to destroy her, to drive the stake into her heart himself. I feel terribly sadistic, but oh how I wanted to hear the stake hit home. I wanted to see her eyes fly open in surprise, anger and pain. And then I wanted to see the hateful glow that lights them fade into nothingness, blackness until her body was just an empty shell. I don’t like to hate this much. I’ve always believed that that emotion is as poisonous to one’s self as to the one at which it is directed. But I cannot help myself – she has brought more pain and suffering to Barnabas than any living creature should have to bear. Those nights in Martinique be damned!

But all of my anticipation, all of Barnabas’ desperate need, came for nothing. Her coffin was empty, and we do not know where she is now. Barnabas is panicked; he is sure that she will manifest her presence again in his life somehow. Oh, Barnabas, I wish I could save you from her for once and for all. (Episode 636/637)

A storm rages outside my window, but for some reason I find its violence oddly comforting tonight. Perhaps because its violence stems from nature and is therefore a natural occurrence when so much of the violence here at Collinwood is unnatural.

I hated lying to Maggie today, but it seems that lying has become rather a part-time job for me. Talk about living the credo "The end justifies the means." She seemed to be her old self again, but she blessedly did not remember what had happened to her during the experiment. She believed me when I told her that she had fainted after turning down Nicholas’ proposal and that he has left for Europe for good. And she admitted that she was relieved that he was gone and that their relationship was over. I’m glad for her sake; what would have become of her if he had claimed her as his bride? What unholy world would she have had to live in with him? And would she have had Angelique for a sister-in-law? Talk about the sister-in-law from hell.

Something very strange is going on with Vicki as well. No sooner had the poor girl married Jeff Clark than she says he was sucked back into the past. As incredible as this sounds, she seems truly sincere and not at all delusional. I have to believe her. And she also believes that he comes to her although she is the only one with this sense. Mrs. Stoddard was very distraught about Vicki, and I did my best to calm both of them down. I can certainly sympathize with Vicki’s determination to do anything she can to be with the man she loves…

And I have another problem on my hands – the Jennings family. It is difficult enough to have to deal with them at all after my experience with their brother. Will I ever be able to forget Tom? And now being around Amy and Chris has rekindled the nightmares about Tom that I thought I had successfully put to rest. It is so terrible to feel that evil as a part of me, and that’s what Tom forced on me. His depravity became attached to my soul, and I could not fight it. It was like he lived inside of me like a lover, but it was the opposite of love. I wonder how much longer I will have to fight these dreams.

At any rate, Amy is under this very roof tonight. I received a call from Wyndcliffe that she had run away, and the next thing I knew, she walked into Collinwood with Mrs. Stoddard. She begged me not to return her to the hospital, and I wish I didn’t have to, but her brother came to me today to tell me that he is leaving town. I was very sharp with him and made it quite clear that he is not fulfilling his responsibilities to Amy. After all she has been through, he is the only anchor that she has. But he refuses to take care of her, and he frustratingly refuses to tell me why. And so tonight, Amy is tucked into one of Mrs. Stoddard’s beds because she decided to go looking for her brother. I swear I could throttle the man.

And one other odd thing (as if there needs to be more) – Mrs. Stoddard claims to have been nearly attacked by an animal in the woods on the way to the Old House tonight. Just the talk of an animal in the woods on this estate sends shivers down my spine; how many times were Barnabas’ attacks described that way? But Mrs. Stoddard said the most astonishing thing – that the animal resembled a wolf dressed like a man. I was shocked and looked it, but not for the reason she thought. She thought that I did not believe her- the problem is that this is Collinwood, and I do. (Episodes 638/639)