October 1968 - Page 13

Threats, spoken and unspoken, surround me on every side. Maggie, Adam, Barnbas, failure…each a hand poised to knock down the fragile house of cards that our lives have become.  Even now I can feel the cards falling around me to the floor at my feet.  How strange that the last few intense hours could be summed up in my lab book with so few lines.  "For unknown reasons, the experiment has failed.  The life-source did not survive."

I try to tell myself that it's not my fault.  I'd like to lay the blame on Adam.  Believe that he coerced us into this, but that would be a lie, and worse a lie to myself.  Each of the players in this experiment knew the risks and in weighing them still made the choice.  I made my choices from the day I came here.  Carolyn is dead, Maggie refuses to be hypnotized, Adam has gone to begin his destruction of the Collins family, and Barnabas has gone to throw himself upon the mercy of the Collins' family and try to stop Adam, while I sit here in the Old House helpless to stop any of it.   I will not be helpless.  Barnabas has given up too easily.  He of all people should know that he cannot stop Adam, but there is one who can.  No time to lose, I'm going to Professor Stokes.  I don't know how much I can trust him, how much he trusts me, but he is perhaps our only hope.

I brought Professor Stokes back with me, relieved to find that Barnabas had not exposed us all, and found out that somehow we had already gotten a reprieve.  Carolyn didn't die!  There was little time to waste as once again we were again doing the experiment with a woman who volunteered her services.  Terminally ill she insists upon ignoring my warnings and going through with it.  I don't believe for a moment the reasons she gives for helping.  I've been through Lang's papers and found no reference to her, although that is not proof that she didn't know him, for there was much even about Lang that I didn't know.  Even this experiment, he withheld so much.  Whatever her true motives, I will never know them, for she is dead.  I find that of all things most painful about this experiment.  A life for a life, not exactly the "Do no harm" I had sworn to. 

Maybe if I had more time to understand what had gone wrong with Carolyn this death could have been prevented.  Maybe not.  Stokes believes that there was another hand in this, one that frightens me for I can't believe that Nicholas Blair means anyone at Collinwood good.  Stokes was suspicious of Leona Eltritch.  Now he has proven to us, at least on a board, that she is, was, Danielle Roget.  I know from B's reaction the first time that Stokes spoke it that the name meant something to him.  Could she have anything to do with B's knowledge of the occult?  I doubt he'll ever tell me how he knew her, if he knew her.  The most evil woman of the 18th century, Stokes called her.    

I don't know if I believe Stokes, but I cannot ignore that it could be true.  I could see it myself in the awakening of Eve.  She is not at all what I expected. Not from Adam's birth, or from what Lang wrote would happen in his research.  At first Eve was unaware and lifeless, which was understandable, but then she progressed at a rate that worries me.  She isn't childlike as Adam was.  There is nothing of a child in the knowing look in her eyes.  But  do I believe that she is evil to the extent of destroying her?  Destroy... Murder.  Such an ugly word, one I've had to learn to live with.  

I think I need some tea. Earl Grey.  Something that takes me back to the days in Medical school, when the discussion of creating a "Frankenstein's Monster" was in fun.

After all we said, argued over, with Adam, it's no wonder that he took Eve and fled.  Especially after what happened in the drawing room.  When Stokes repeated the name of Danielle Roget, the room darkened and the doors opened as though from a gale, but it was not the wind that filled the room with a chill, shaking the chandelier, and blowing the curtains through closed windows.  In opening the cellar door, it led us to the lab, and the empty table where Leona took her last breaths.  Adam and Eve took advantage of our distraction to leave.  I don't know what Leona's disappearance means.  It feels different from Carolyn's disappearance, and I don't believe that we will see Leona again.  Could Nicholas Blair be behind this?  And if he is?

It's hard to believe that Maggie remembers nothing of her threats against Barnabas.  One more proof that Nicholas has been too involved in our lives.  Nicholas has a purpose in keeping B from being harmed, but it must be for Adam's sake.  How long is Barnabas safe? 

Stokes returned unable to find Adam or Eve, and again at the mention of Danielle Roget the room was darkened.  This time it was not enough to shake the chandelier and blow around us, thunder cracked as though a storm raged.  Stokes challenged the disquieted spirit and it pulled an old book from the shelf before departing. Philippe Cordier was the author, and somehow we knew that the spirit was he, rather than anyone mentioned in the book published in 1798. With each visit, caused it seemed only by the mention of Danielle Roget,  this spirit was growing more forceful.  Stokes suggested a séance to contact the spirit and find out just what it was he seemed to want from us.

The room was made properly dark, and we sat, the three of us, at a round table, lit by a single candle.  My hands felt like ice, but Barnabas' warm fingertips on mine gave me to know that he at least was not nervous.  The candle in the middle cast odd shadows, and in random thought I wondered if my face looked as strange as the others, and then we were called to concentrate.  The candle blew out, and then B was suddenly filled, no... more overshadowed by this unrestful spirit.  It was Barnabas face, but it seemed strange, almost blurred as other features struggled to be seen.  The voice was not unlike B's, but it was not he that spoke French so passionately.  Something in me feared this strangeness as it seemed to search for a greater hold, and I have no doubt that Stokes accusation that it was I that stopped the séance was true.  Once we confirmed the spirit was Philippe, and that Eve was Danielle, there was nothing more to be gained.   I had to wake B, touch him to make sure it was he again.  But my relief  was short lived as the choking started.  I was helpless to do anything about it, for it was not Barnabas being choked but Adam.  The sudden release showing that Adam was once again safe.  This bond, this sharing of spirit, between them sometimes scares me. I can only wonder what the future will bring for these two.  Barnabas does not talk of it, but how does he live feeling what Adam feels? 

At least our communicating with Philippe proved several things to us, the one I worry most about is what Nicholas' motives could be in helping Adam and Eve. We cannot destroy Nicholas, but we can stop him.  We must stop him.  We must destroy Eve. Not murder...not murder...must think of it as saving B, as foiling Nicholas, saving Collinwood, saving Adam...must not be murder.

Elizabeth is in danger.  I look for Nicholas' hand in this too, but it would be more likely to be Cassandra's hand, for it seems to have been Cassandra that started this danger.  It is a fear of death so great that I'm unsure how to help her, unless she seeks help from me, and she doesn't.  As soon as we were up to her room she asked for the family physician, forestalling any questions I might have asked.  Maybe she doesn't trust me, little reason to when you consider past events.  Elizabeth Stoddard is no fool and I can only wonder what she knows, or thinks she knows.  We're all worried for her.  I was certain she was dead.  I can only hope that next time, for without help there will be a next time, I'm around.  

Tonight we, Barnbas, Stokes, and I have started down a deadly path.  I have decided on the instrument of death, a near painless injection to bring oblivion.  I've taught Barnabas how to administer the poison, for his job, the most dangerous of the three, will be to kill Eve, and Stokes also bears the risk, for he goes to Nicholas to find the way for us to complete this dark deed.  Barnabas will not be swayed in this act that I feel can only bring our own downfall.  Even if we succeed, will that stop Nicholas?  I have come to terms with what we must do, but I still worry about Nicholas.  What if he suspects, what if he knows?  I have such a strange feeling that something will go wrong.  

* * *

Vicki came to my room and discussed Elizabeth with me.   She's a sweet child as devoted to Elizabeth as Carolyn is.  I hope she can find happiness with Jeff.  I hope B will let her.  She seemed happier to know that I would do everything I could to help her with E.  V left and I went straight to bed, only to dream.  Or in truth to nightmare, if there is such a phrase.  So real were the words, that they seemed to echo in my mind, bringing with them the strong emotions they were spoken in, of need, of regret, was it my imagination but also of love? B needed me, told me I was right about Nicholas.  Called again, and again for me to come to him.  He died as I called to him.  Awake, I couldn't shake the feeling that it was real, and for a few moments I wept in mourning until I realized that it was a dream.  For a long time after I woke I sat listening for his voice.  I looked over at the OH from my bedroom window, but in the dark could see nothing.  I resisted the urge to dress and search the woods, knowing now that the dream was of things yet to come.   Sleep is impossible.  We have taken no steps against Nicholas yet.  There is time to stop what we were going to do.

B ignored that my dream could mean anything.  Dismissed it as just a dream brought on by our discussion and my fear.  He uses my own beliefs in psychology against me.  Yes I am anxious, and I've made no secret that I'm afraid of Nicholas.  He is too, but not afraid enough.  He was gentle with me.  I wish he hadn't been, for I would have found his arguments easier to fight against if he had been harsh.  Stokes brought his floor plans with him, and so the three of us sat and plotted against Nicholas.  As I tried to tell Stokes of the dangers, B cut the floor out from under me by dismissing my fears as result of the dream, the premonition, I've had.  We all believe that Nicholas is dangerous, why am I the only one that can see the possibilities that Nicholas knows, and is playing with us?

* * *

An evening with Nicholas Blair is not the most comfortable affair at the best of times, but keeping him entertained and at the OH while Barnabas was away for too long was was exhausting.  It didn't help that I kept wondering if Nicholas was playing with us somehow, much as a cat would an unsuspecting mouse.  My dream from last night seemed to be with us in the drawing room, almost a physical presence.  I dared not look too deeply into Nicholas' eyes as we shook hands good night.  It seems odd that his handshake should be so warm and firm.  There's an oily quality about him.  I can only hope that our dealings with him will be over soon.

Barnabas was late, so late that I made a fool of myself by losing control in front of Stokes.  He tried to assure me, but telling me that B knew the risks should he have gotten caught or worse, and that we too were in danger from being a part of this night, only seemed to heighten my worry.  When B finally did come, I didn't dare make a further fuss.  He seemed changed, but said it was because we failed.  I can't understand the failure, can't understand B's reaction to it.  He looked ill, but in a way I couldn't put my finger on.  He claims nothing happened at Blair's house.  I can only hope that is true.  

Tonight I can sleep knowing that it is all over.  With no sign of Eve or Adam, there is nothing more we can do, and we need not deal with Nicholas any more.  I am tired, and hope that my dreams were sweeter than last night.  Halloween is coming soon.  I used to enjoy it.  How strange that life can change so much.

I'm concerned for B.  He brought me to the OH to care for Joe, rebelled when I suggested the hospital for him giving reasons that are barely reasons at all.  I soon found out the true reason, at least I think it's B's true reason, the vampire marks on Joe's neck.  B denies knowing that Joe was bitten, but  I for a moment thought he was protecting her.  Yes it's a her.  I told B that it was instinct that made me believe that the vampire was a woman, but it wasn't instinct.  I've looked over the evidence, and have picked up what my mind seemed to have latched onto subconsciously.  The bite marks were that of a large child or woman, and combined with  Joe's wanting her ...  Tom's vampirism ... why didn't I realize?  But B is not protecting her, at least I hope not, for Joe is here like a goat tied to a tree to attract the lion, and if she comes I hope to greet her with a silver bullet.  

I have my theories of who the woman is.  When I told B that it was Cassandra, he laughed.  I didn't expect that, and told him so.  Wasn't it such a short time ago we wondered if Cassandra had anything to do with Elizabeth's fear of death, and why Nicholas would bring her back.  With all that she did, I don't think that B would protect Cassandra...who could she be, and what is B's part in this?

(entries cover the time period from episode 590 to episode 608)