But we did find him! I had been sick with worry; I knew something terrible had happened. He wouldn’t have disappeared without letting me know where he was going. No – not anymore. Things are so different between us now. Sometimes I forget how cruel he was, so insane from his long confinement. And now he regards me so differently. I am no longer just "Doctor Hoffman" as he once told me I always would be to him. Just to hear him call me "Julia" reminds me of how far we’ve come…

But I should stop digressing and relate what actually happened tonight. I am so relieved - the evening’s events are a jumble in my mind. What it comes down to is that I heard a woman sobbing when I went to the OH to look for Barnabas – again. The odd thing was that I not only heard the woman’s tortured weeping; I felt it as well, as if it was emanating from my own breast. I followed the sound to the cellar and saw a woman dressed in white huddled against the wall. Her grief was overwhelming, and I felt my own heart vised in the grip of her despair. I realized she was an apparition – and no, that did not frighten me. I’ve encountered enough supernatural beings at Collinwood that a mere ghost barely gives me pause. My God, Barnabas was a vampire when I fell, well, I had best not commit that to paper.

It was later after Willie arrived, and we saw the woman again that I realized who she was – Josette! And she was grieving for Barnabas! The pieces came together in a rush – I knew then that Trask had extracted his revenge on Barnabas by bricking him behind the same wall where he himself had hung for 200 years.

I screamed at Willie to break down the wall. I was petrified as to what we might find; Barnabas had been missing for 3 days. And at the time, it seemed that Willie was moving as if he was underwater. And before he could make any headway at all, Trask himself tried to stop him and warn him away. I did the only thing I could think of, falling back on my training. I used psychology on a ghost, targeting Trask’s pride in his righteousness. I sent him after Cassandra, the true witch! And to my surprise, he readily took the bait and disappeared. At least, I hope he took the bait…

I felt like I was part of a tableau in a Poe story as I watched Willie remove the first brick. I could see Barnabas’ face, and it was so still. How many times have I feared him dead? My heart ached when I saw his wrists shackled above his head. Willie couldn’t get him down fast enough to suit me – I hope I wasn’t as hysterical as I felt.

When we finally got him on that cot, and he opened his eyes – when I knew he would be all right – it was only then that I released the breath I didn’t even know I had been holding. He thanked me for saving his life "again" as he put it. It makes me marvel "again" at the changes between us.

Barnabas is worried that he is still not safe from Cassandra and wonders if Trask even can defeat her. As loathsome as Trask was (or is), as much as I detest him for his vengeance against Barnabas, I will cheer him lustily if he is to take on the witch.

And Willie had more disturbing news (oh, for a dull moment at Collinwood!). Adam tried to kill Sam Evans. I had to agree with Willie that Adam must be destroyed although it goes against every grain of my being. "To do no harm" continues to echo in my weary brain, to bounce back and forth only to rattle around until it settles at the edge of my consciousness. The time that I swore that oath seems so far away now, almost lost and meaningless to me.

What an emotional rollercoaster I have ridden today – and it’s not over yet. I am sitting here at Mrs. Stoddard’s bedside, watching her closely to make sure that she will recover from the poison she took before I go downstairs to speak with Roger and Barnabas. I am quite sure now that she will be all right physically, but her emotional state is another matter. And it is that state that caused her to attempt to take her own life tonight or I should more accurately say, caused her to try to take the life of Naomi Collins.

The day started out so promising; I suppose at Collinwood I should have taken that as a bad omen, but I hate to think that I have become that cynical, even in this house. Roger informed me that Cassandra was missing, and it was all I could do to keep from flying over to the Old House to tell Barnabas. I truly think I should be nominated for an Academy Award for my performances in this house. As a matter of fact, a patient once told me that I bore a resemblance to an actress, one who had been nominated for an Oscar in a Richard Burton movie a few years back. At any rate, I was convinced by Roger’s news that Trask had succeeded in destroying the witch. Barnabas face lit up with hope when I told him my theory. But being the scientist I am, I needed empirical evidence that Trask had accomplished the mission I had sent him on. And I thought we had found it when we discovered that his skeleton was once again hanging in the OH cellar. Seeing it there almost made me forget how devastating it was to find Barnabas in that same torture chamber a few days ago. I had Barnabas – and myself- convinced that she was dead or liquidated or whatever happens to end a witch’s existence. I was tempted to launch into a rendition of "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" but I knew Barnabas would not understand the reference. And just as well, for now I no longer know what to think or believe.

For a few moments, Barnabas and I were happy, hopeful, almost giddy with the thought that he might be free from the witch after what must seem like an eternity to him. And it was these thoughts that paved our path as we went out for a walk together to celebrate his independence. It was so peaceful under the canopy of trees as we strolled together, trying to take in what this might mean for him – a normal life, another chance at happiness. He told me more about his hopes and dreams when he had lived in that other century, and he told me more about Angelique and what she had done to destroy his existence. He claims it was a casual affair, and I believe him – I have seen how he acts when he is truly in love, how devoted he was to his Josette. He obviously deeply desired the life they were to have together. (I wonder what kind of life they would have had – what kind of husband would he have been, how many children would they have had?) And Barnabas just as obviously did not have those same feelings for Angelique. Why did she misinterpret their relationship so? Did he give her the wrong impression? I of all people know the effect his charm can have on a woman. I have done things…Was he a rogue who made promises he did not intend to keep? Or was Angelique looking for a way out of her station in life by associating with the handsome Collins’ heir?

How I wish that we could have continued our belief that he was free. But I had to tell him later what happened at Collinwood once I returned there. Mrs. Stoddard entered the drawing room where I was chatting with Roger and insisted that he was "Joshua" and that I was the "Countess," and accused us of plotting against her. Despite our protests, she refused to believe that she was anyone but Naomi Collins – Barnabas’ mother- and she referred to her "son" as one of the living dead. Barnabas panicked at this news, certain that both Roger and Mrs. Stoddard would soon discover that he had indeed been one of the undead. And he convinced himself that it was Cassandra who had conjured this illusion for his cousin and that she must still be alive. I tried to reason with him as I always do, and as always, he had already spun his own version of events. I reminded him that the vampire is dead and that only the man lives – it is so important that he remembers that. But I found out what happened to his mother – he told me the whole, horrible story. Naomi killed herself because she learned what Barnabas had become. The pain in his voice when he told me the events of that night, the sorrow in his eyes were almost too much for me to bear. He remembers it so clearly even though it happened so long ago. And he had to relive it – I would have given anything to have spared him the renewal of that grief – but it was a blessing that he did relive it or Mrs. Stoddard would be dead now.

We found her in the tower, dying of poison just as Naomi died. By the time I got up the stairs, Barnabas was cradling her in his arms, begging me to do something. It must have been terrible for him to experience that again - that on top of the knowledge that the witch most likely still exists.

Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice in Wonderland would say – I don’t know how else to describe Cassandra’s disappearance or the arrival of a very interesting visitor tonight. Barnabas and I agree that Cassandra is responsible for Mrs. Stoddard’s mental condition. Afterall, Angelique is the only one who would know the circumstances of Barnabas’ mother’s death and her use of nightshade to take her life. Where would Mrs. Stoddard have found nightshade for Pete’s sake or even have thought to use it? Our questions about Cassandra’s survival led us back to Stokes who reminded us of the portrait. We know that her existence is somehow linked to it, but we were at a loss as to where it could be. After a little unnecessary cloak and dagger work at Collinwood, Roger pulled it out of a corner in the drawing room where it had been right under our noses all the time. It is so faded that it makes me hope that Angelique is really dead, but there is little fervor in my hope. That portrait makes my hair stand on end- how can such beauty house such evil? No wonder that poor Barnabas was fooled by her so long ago.

And then he arrived – a man by the name of Nicholas Blair who claims that he is Cassandra’s brother. Roger is so gullible; why that is after spending most of his life at Collinwood, this palace of secrets, I don’t know – self-preservation perhaps? Barnabas tells me that Angelique has no blood brother and theorized that this man is a "brother devil" as he put it. It is hard to describe the ripple in the atmosphere of the room when Blair entered. It was as if a chill was trying to settle in but was chased away by an effort of will. Can Blair have that kind of power? He is an impressive sight – handsome in a blackguard kind of way, dark hair, mustache and black eyes that appear to stretch into infinity. And his attire – elegant and debonair although in a manner so different from Barnabas. He was dressed from head to foot in shades of gray right down to the gloves. How apropos at Collinwood, the villains don’t allow themselves to be easily identifiable by appearing in black but clothe themselves in gray to blend into the shadows. He has an animal magnetism, and I emphasize the word "animal." Even his smile exuded danger although only Barnabas and I appeared to notice; Roger was much too distracted by his concern for Cassandra and Mrs. Stoddard. But Blair reminded me of a tightly coiled snake ready to strike at a moment’s notice or of a shark with shiny teeth prepared to rip weaker creatures to shreds. And I suspect that we are all weaker – even his "sister" that he claims to have come in search of.

Everyday when I look in the mirror, I am amazed that my hair hasn’t turned a shade of snowy white. There are so many crises to juggle here at once that I wonder if I might not be better suited to the circus. Thank goodness I have always had a talent for dividing my attention in many directions – necessary, I suppose, if one is to specialize in both psychiatry and hematology.

My primary concern – the first and foremost ball I must keep in the air – is Barnabas and that damn dream. It is so close to him now, and I can almost see the fear that emanates from him at the prospect of experiencing it. If his fate was to be only death – "only" death, it’s almost funny – I think that he could almost be prepared for that. But he knows that this is not "her" plan, the witch’s plan (for she has returned spouting some lame excuse for her absence). After finally becoming human again, a dream that he didn’t even dare hope to have just over a year ago, she wants to make him what he was, what he abhorred being. We are both desperate to keep that from happening, but once again, Cassandra has found a way to proceed. She has managed to rouse Sam Evans from the dead, as horrific as that sounds, to tell the dream to Vicki. How foolish we were to think Sam’s death might be an end to it all. Cassandra is obsessed, insane in her vengeance about Barnabas. How I wish I could admit her to Wyndcliffe for a thorough psychoanalysis!

At any rate, Vicki has now had the dream. I tried to help her, to prevent it, but there was little I could do. Cassandra’s dream curse has taken on a life of its own, and it refuses to die. It reminds me of our other problem, Adam – but I will have to get to that in a moment. Now Vicki will be in agony until she is able to relate the dream to its final recipient, its target from the beginning – Barnabas. I know she doesn’t want to hurt him; I know she thinks she can resist, but she has underestimated the inevitable force behind the curse.

I have slept little myself and that combined with living under the same roof as Cassandra and her "brother" have made my efforts to think of a way to help Barnabas become a little drastic. He was so fatalistic tonight, resigned to his fate, that my heart ached for him. I impulsively offered to go away with him, to take care of him, but he refused because of the agony Vicki would continue to suffer. "You know how I feel about Vicki." We are so close now, I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me – but those words were enough to bring me to my knees tonight. Enough that I even acquiesced to having a nightcap with Nicholas Blair upon my return to Collinwood.

As for Adam, our other problem – he attacked Joe Haskell today. I found Joe with Barnabas at the OH. Barnabas thought poor Joe was already dead, but he is hospitalized and should recover. But what of Adam? Barnabas and I agree that Adam – the "child" we brought to life together – can no longer be allowed to live, but how will we destroy him is too much to face right now. What troubles me is where he has been for the past week. How has he survived? He must have gotten help from someone – but whom? Someone we know or a stranger? Friend or foe?

The grandfather clock is chiming slowly, mournfully downstairs – and all that I can hear is the chiming of a death knell for Barnabas. Barnabas – the man (yes, man) who has come to mean so much in my life. I came here to pursue a lifelong dream, to complete research that used to define my life - and me. But I stayed for one reason, and it wasn’t the research. It was the man. And now I may lose him.

My feelings of helplessness continue to grow, and in some ways, that terrifies me most of all; I am so used to being in control. But now Barnabas is desperate to relieve Vicki from her suffering, and I am just as anxious to keep him from having the dream. He confessed to me that he had gone to see Cassandra – and offered himself to her like a human sacrifice if she would leave Vicki alone. I was appalled that he would even consider such a thing, and that’s why he knew enough not to consult me before talking to her. But she did not accept his offer, and that makes me extremely nervous. If she does not want him back – just the thought of him pretending to be devoted to that witch makes my blood boil – what does she want? More revenge, more control? What kind of person nurses such a sick obsession for over 2 centuries? But I am forgetting that she is not a "person" at all. And I can’t help but wonder what role Nicholas Blair plays in her spiteful scenario. My skin prickles with apprehension and revulsion just being in the same room with him. And the way he looks at me – it is a piercing look, a smug, knowing look. As Scarlett O’Hara said about Rhett, "He looks at me as if he knows what I look like without my shimmy." That’s the sense I get from Blair, but it seems much more sinister than just a lascivious glance - more like he knows what I look like "without my skin."

So with no response from Cassandra, Barnabas is determined to have Vicki relate the dream to him. This is one of the first times I have seen him react so unselfishly. I would be pleased if the circumstances were only different. Can he really love her that much? I didn’t think so – I had almost convinced myself that he was in love with the thought of loving her. Barnabas wants so much to recapture what he lost so long ago, what he should have had - marriage to a sweet young thing- and Vicki provides a means for him to fulfill that dream. But his devotion to her makes me wonder how deeply his feelings go. He mentioned something about Vicki’s goodness and theorized that there is something similar in his nature that draws him to her. I sense a reawakening in him, a renewed belief in himself after years of self-loathing. As a psychiatrist, I know how important this is. And yet, if he has the dream, this will all mean nothing.