April 1968 - Page 7

Could Cassandra Collins be Angelique?

Vicki is certain of it. I brushed her fears aside, but I must take them seriously for Barnabas was afraid that the portrait's coming to Collinwood meant Angelique's return. Just one more coincidence? Vicki and I studied the portrait after returning from the gazebo. I didn't dare admit to her anything more than there being a slight resemblance, but it is there. Is resemblance enough? Maggie resembles Josette, Jeff and Peter, even I seem to bear some resemblance to the Countess DuPres, Josette's aunt...don't even want to wonder if that's how B sees me... But Cassandra being Angelique? Other than that she was his wife as well as the witch who cursed him, Barnabas said so little about Angelique that I don't know what I expected...the smell of sulfur instead of Channel No. 5 or maybe yet another version of Josette? This woman is not like Maggie or Vicki, more confidence and not at all child-like. It could explain why she was so interested in Barnabas when I first met her, asking me so many questions about him instead of Roger, or David.

I visited Cassandra on my way to my room to check her ankle and drop off her pain medication, and find myself intensely curious about her. Is she Angelique...the only woman that Barnabas ever married?

I wonder if Barnabas has met Cassandra yet?

There is no doubt that B believes that Cassandra is Angelique. The way he acted at Collinwood from the moment he got there this evening. Walked in the door, looked around then asked me if she was there. Then spent the short time he was there alternating between his usual good manners and baiting the poor woman when Roger wasn't near. He avoided Vicki, practically ignored Maggie, and barely spoke to me, all the while very aware of Cassandra who spent the evening smiling up into Roger's silly grin. I was relieved when he decided to go, until as he was putting on his coat he whispered to me, "I came here to talk to you. Meet me in the gazebo." When I went to get my coat, he practically growled. "In a few minutes." I felt like Mata Hari.

Secluded and away from the house, the gazebo must have always been a place of secrets, intrigue, but its romantic atmosphere seems at odds with the secrets which have drawn me there lately. First Victoria the other day with her worries for Barnabas, and now Barnabas himself, but I find his fears harder to deal with. Although nothing has occurred other than the portrait's return to even hint at a threat, his belief and his fear that Cassandra is Angelique and has returned to destroy him is as dangerous to him as her return would be. It's making him careless, as his behavior tonight at Collinwood showed, and it's pushed him into an alliance with Lang that frightens me.

Barnabas wanted my advice as a friend as well as a doctor. Friend...there was a time that I scarcely hoped for even friendship, strange he should call me that now that he is a human and Lang has replaced me in aiding him. As a friend have I done right to tell him that Lang is a good surgeon, and knows what he is doing? I wish I could have told him what I felt about Lang or what the whispers and innuendo I've heard subtly imply...a fraud, dangerous, insane, but after the way that Barnabas has been able to walk in the sunrise with the promise of there being complete cure, how could I? If only I could find out what the experiment is, and how an operation will cure him forever. .

I wanted to find out what the experiment is...and now I know... I wish that I didn't... At times I'm still so angry I shake, and at others I'm so revolted that my stomach turns... And now, even if it's only by keeping silent about it, I'm part of it.

I didn't want to believe Jeff when he told me his delusion. I sat there smiling at him feeling smug because B and Eric needed my help, and sorry for the poor boy telling me this tale straight from Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, when all the time it was I that was delusional. How dare they! How dare Barnabas after all I've done for him! Telling me those lies. Making a fool of me! The two of them so concerned over Jeff, telling me the sad story that if he remembered what he did he would go insane. I am a fool! I let my emotions blind me. I should have learned long ago that emotions have no place when dealing with Mr. Barnabas Collins.

Every time I close my eyes, I see it all again as though for the first time. Sneaking down the hall, opening doors and closing them softly, tiptoeing so Barnabas or Eric wouldn't catch me snooping just when it seemed they were beginning to trust me. The lab that shouldn't be, full of shadows and machinery. Jeff's story still ringing in my ears, I kept telling myself that with B as a patient it was only normal that Eric would have a secret lab, for didn't we have one in the OH basement? If only switching on the light had made it more normal instead of revealing the truth, that sheet covering the unmistakable form on the table.

I don't know what made me scream...Do I believe myself invincible, for only in hindsight do I quake at the reality that a man who would take Jeff's life for his face would hardly balk at protecting his experiment with one more dead body...mine? All I know is that when I lifted the sheet, seeing where ill fitting limbs had been attached, the jagged scars...a rag-doll sewn together by a careless hand, proof of Jeff's horrifying tale. The gap in the towel showing a dark emptiness...the neck with bones and veins and arteries coming out as though a head had been torn away... waiting for a head, Jeff's head. That young man's delicate features upon that grotesque combination of body parts, and it, for I cannot think of it as he, would no longer be Jeff, but Barnabas...and all so Barnabas could have his Vicki, his latest Josette.

The lies that Barnabas tells so easily. I don't think I will ever be able to believe him again, trust him again. I thought that the monster that had gripped my throat more than once, and had taken lives to live was the vampire. Is B really the monster, not his curse? They stood there telling me only one more life...The thing that frightens me most is not that they would have taken one more life to take this thing to it's conclusion, but that I was tempted to let it happen. I did want to see the work I started six months ago with B succeed. "Do no harm." How long ago that vow was. One more life, only one more life, but I couldn't take that path again. Did B really think that he had to remind me of Dave Woodard? Remembering him is not the problem, forgetting him is.

I don't know why I lie to myself...I know what made me scream, the same thing that made me try to call the police from Lang's office where I was almost certain to be caught. I wanted to stop them, but I also wanted them to stop me. Calling the police would not just stop the experiment, but would destroy Barnabas. Even now knowing what he is capable of doing in the name of a cure, I can only protect him. He didn't need to bite my neck to make me his servant. I couldn't put his life in danger any more than Carolyn could have when she was under his power. But... I can't, can not, allow another killing. I promised not to tell, but any more killings and no matter the consequences I will stop them, and B knows it.

I believe now that Cassandra is Angelique...So many things point me to the truth. She was taking me to meet this Professor Stokes, when B called for me to hypnotize Jeff. I know the feeling behind the look that she had when she handed me the phone with him on the other end of the line. I've felt it as I've handed Victoria the phone. The way she pumped me for information our first meeting, and the way she allows B to bait her on every occasion. Tonight B caught her listening to us as we discussed Lang and what B hoped would happen with the experiment, all our plans. B handled her roughly and she fled to tell Roger, but she didn't. I wonder what she is here for, because she seems to have no malice at all toward B. She's done nothing to harm anyone since she came here. In fact she has gone out of her way to be friendly to me. I've seen the matchmaking gleam in people's eyes before, and no doubt Cassandra meant to set me up with her professor...was that only today? It seems like years ago since I dressed up to meet the Professor... and I was looking forward to it. With my new haircut and clothes, I wanted to feel like someone, some man could find me desirable. It didn't matter to me if Cassandra was Angelique, for in the short time she has been here, we have become friends and it felt good to have someone be a friend. Friend...B called me friend...Cassandra is my friend... Lies are all around me...

I can't sleep with the thoughts that soon Barnabas will be that monster I saw. No one can know how he will be. Will he remember anything of this life here? I wish he would stop this mad thing.

I allowed B to talk me into letting Willie out of Wyndcliffe. I don't know whether it was a good idea or a bad one. If I was only Willie's doctor, and he was going home to family that was ready for him, I would have had few second thoughts, for Willie is better. But I know Willie and don't trust either his reasons for wanting to come back to B or B's reasons for wanting him home...I still find myself laughing when I think of how Eric and B connived to get me to release Willie. An assistant in the operation! I only hope that Eric believes me that Willie is more a danger than an asset. Could kick myself for falling into Lang's trap. I'd love to wipe the smug look from his face, but he knows that I will not endanger B. I play the game of fighting this experiment at every turn, and yet if I can't change B's mind I have every intention of offering my help. If they will go through with it, I must be there.

* * *

After all that business with Willie and begging me to help with the experiment, when I offered to help with the experiment, Eric had nerve making me beg, and only reluctantly agreeing after making me promise not to be emotional. Strange that before I met Barnabas Collins being emotional wasn't a problem. I suppose I should have expected that, I haven't been very helpful and sharing confidences can bring people closer, or make them embarrassed to be around each other, perhaps if I had offered before I listened to his dream, not that I had a choice. At least his telling me of his dream made him feel better. Strange dream and stranger still that Jeff and Maggie had it before him, or at least pieces of it, but I have no time to think of that now. I will be there when the experiment takes place. Mine will be the last face he sees as Barnabas Collins, and if it is successful the face he sees first as a new man.

Eric is dead. Cassandra killed him, and B is the same...no he is one step closer to being what he was before Eric's cure. Eric tried to tell me something before he died. If only I had been able to understand, for B wants to continue on with the experiment, insists upon it. He tells me to quit being emotional about Eric's death, but I can't be as cold as he is about this. If we all hadn't been so concerned about keeping this a secret Eric might be still be alive. Now I have to run the very experiment I fought to stop. I don't think I can learn it in time, but B urges me forward. Somewhere deep down I'm flattered at his confidence in me, but it's lost in the fear I have at failing in my task. Eric didn't trust anyone with the whole experiment, so not everything was in his notes. Barnabas human again, and in another body. I wish I could want this. I'm afraid that there can be no good outcome to this. Success B will be someone else, he won't need me, may not even know me, and failure...I can't think of failure...losing him to death...I must succeed. I better get busy so much work to do if I am to continue this experiment.

Papers strewn all over...I've read them again and again...Can't find my cigarettes. I'll have to go down to the study or the drawing room for more. Why can't I understand this? Cathodes, diodes, capacitors...am I a doctor or an electrical engineer? Why can't I think? Mrs. Johnson, she'll be coming soon. It will be better when she comes... No, I can't let her in. The dream...dear God...the dream... If only I could think of anything besides the dream...

* * *

I've seen Professor Stokes and my fears are confirmed. The dream is part of a curse, a dream curse, and the curse will end in Barnabas' sudden death. I must fight this urge to tell Mrs. Johnson, for what if it's Barnabas who comes to her in her dream? But maybe it won't be. Just to tell and get rid of the creeping cold that moves under my skin like invisible fingers, and whispers soundless urgings into my ears... No I must not think that way. Stokes tried to get me to tell him whom I was protecting, and whom I thought had sent the curse. With all that is on my mind, the urge to run to tell, the only thing I know I didn't tell him was who sent the curse. Cassandra wanted me to meet the Professor, now I wonder at her motives. I thought it was matchmaking... maybe it was to get rid of me, certainly in other times I would have been drawn to the man, but now I can not believe she means any good thing for any of us in Collinwood... I'm late to meet B. How can I face him when I have wasted the whole night, maybe even lost his last chance for him?

Telling Stokes the dream did not help. I keep reliving it my every waking moment. Maybe putting it on paper where I can see that it is only a dream…Even now, the thought of a knock on the door makes my heart pound and my palms sweat, hoping and dreading it might be Mrs. Johnson as I saw her last, in my dreams. The silence as she beckoned me and made me go into that room just by pointing her hand, I don't think I've ever felt so helpless before. The riddle. Eric said it was silly, but there was a purpose to it, for once it was spoken I was overwhelmed with a need to open the doors, tinkling music leading me to the first door, and hard as I fought it, I couldn't help opening it. Even knowing what I was about to see, I was unprepared for the reality. First the skull with eyes no skull bare of muscle and skin ever held, bright and alive, looking into my soul. I could feel the echoes of Maggie's fear, and closed the door, but it was too late, Maggie's fear was mine. Next the guillotine, Jeff didn't even know why that frightened him so. I reached for the third knob and opened the door to the headless monster that had indeed been the death of Lang. Even dead Eric's fear was still there, like a mist wrapping itself around me, and entering through my pores. One doorway left to try, my door. Even though I willed myself to wake, to not open the door, to run…it was no use…When I saw that skeleton bride, it was as if I had been stripped naked… the laughter, Josette's mocking my feelings for B from the grave…

Writing it down has not helped. Not at all...I have to find a way to not tell Mrs. Johnson...Mrs. Johnson...maybe she is waiting by the door even as I write this, then I couldn't help but tell her...I must go. I'm late, and I dare not stay here and risk seeing her...or Cassandra... I must protect him. I've got to study Eric's books... I wish I could think...I just can't think...

I try to remember that B is fighting for his life. The dream haunts me my every moment. I've told B about it...not all about it...I cannot bear for him to know what I fear the most. Final proof that it is from Angelique, for she warned him in a dream... A dream... He tells me to stay away from Mrs. Johnson at least until the experiment is over, then pushes me to get on with it. Have to work on Eric's books… the tape was a stupid idea, must be the dream clouding my thoughts...Eric, his fear was failure, and he did fail. It is handsome. B hopes that he can win Vicki with his new looks. Why doesn't he realize that there is more to love than that? With so much on my mind, I almost said too much, then when B started telling me how much my help has meant...his hand on my shoulder...I wanted so much to turn to him, but I couldn't...If only I had turned to him...Too late…It wouldn't have been welcomed anyway…wants only his precious experiment to work. He saw Stokes. I'm glad that the Professor is working on the information I gave him, but I wonder if Stokes will put it all together. He's an intelligent man and I feel we can trust him, but only to a point. B told him about Cassandra. He forgot that the Professor is C's friend, I only hope he is our friend too.

I feel calm. My hands no longer shake, my mind is clear. I had the dream again. It was worse than the first time, and followed shortly by Mrs. Johnson at Eric's door. There was no getting from her, and the urge to tell had increased to unbearable levels. So I told her. Now that I've passed the dream on it no longer is part of my thoughts. As long as Mrs. Johnson doesn't sleep, there is no fear of B having the dream before the experiment is over. I am confident that I know where Eric made his mistake, I only wish I knew what he was trying to tell me at the end. One more check through the books, and I will begin.

I don't know where to begin this. So much has happened in such a short time. The experiment is over and the sun has risen! B is alive! But so is Adam! Everything seemed to be going as planned. B was telling me that he could feel his life was slipping away, my mind wandered as I thought of never seeing him again, then the machinery began to pop and blow up around me. B sat up and when he found out he was alive and Adam wasn't, he demanded that we start all over. I knew that I had done all I could, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise when Adam woke up! There is a bond between them, maybe even a psychic bond. He immediately followed B about, like a child, obeying him...and like B's son tried to choke me when I gave him an injection. I of all people should have realized that he wouldn't understand pain. We thought we had plenty of time to deal with him, but he came too hours before he should. We entered the lab and he ran at us, tried to attack us and even Barnabas couldn't calm him. We stood outside the door helpless as he tore up the lab, until B made the decision to get the gun.

 Finding Adam curled asleep after his tantrum, I couldn't let B harm him. How things have changed in such a short time. Before we were certain that the experiment was fully successful, B made me promise to take care of Adam if he didn't survive, and then when he stood over him with a gun...I couldn't let him harm the child, for that is what Adam is, B's child, our child as surely as if we had given birth to him. We gave him life, and I will not let B take it from him. We moved him to the OH basement and I've begun to teach him. I'm not used to children, and with such a big child it is hard to keep from being afraid. I felt terrible and B seemed to also when we had to chain him up, but when he had gotten free it endangered all our lives...

Mrs. Johnson had the dream. It upsets me to hear her talk of it, bringing back all the terror, and knowing that I am guilty of passing it on. She must tell David. If only she would leave Collinwood. I hope with her seeing Adam, and her fears, that I have finally talked her into leaving...

(entries cover the time period from episode 474 to episode 493)