Dark Shadows Reactionary Quiz

	ARE YOU A DARK SHADOWS FAN?
	Then try out the REACTIONARY QUIZ
	Its very simple, just read on:

	Go through the following questions by marking the letter of the answer that suits you the best. Keep a record of how many times you answer a, b, c, d, or e. There will be a helpful litmus at the bottom of the poll so you can understand where you are in the Dark Shadows Order of Things.

1		When you hear the song LONDON BRIDGE, do you:
	a		Recall the entire 1967 storyline in its entirety
	b		Wish Sarah had learned to play something else, or,
	c		Wish with all your heart the sound man had found a better copy of the flute.
	d		Endure the overpowering urge to take away her little flute and lock it up, lock it up...
	e		Rant and rave about how if the writers had ANY mercy, Sarah would show her presence by the materialization of messages on stitched samplers, or bouncing that wooden ball in Morse Code.

2		When you see Maggie Evans on screen, do you:
	a		remember her leap for women’s rights by asking Joe out on a date
	b		agree that Vicky, if not a jerk, was at least getting in over her head
	c		show off how old you are by recalling "those days when Maggie was blonde."
	d		wonder how they could afford to employ her as a waitress, when there was hardly anyone to wait on.
	e		Beg her to go back to being a waitress: being a Collinwood governess did absolutely NOTHING for her hair. She looks as old as Liz now.

3		When you see Victoria Winters do you:
	a		Feel that blondes have an undeserved reputation
	b		Are reminded of the waif that stole your boyfriend in grade school
	c		Would like to have your very own governess
	d		Envy that glossy mane of hair
	e		feel you don’t understand her character

4		When you see David Collins do you:
	a		Check your bleeder valve
	b		Inspect staircase for tripwires
	c		Feel threatened by his imaginary playmate(s)
	d		Insist you believe him, really
	e		Brainwave "military school" to Roger when he walks onscreen

5		When you see Eliot Stokes, do you:
	a		Feel overwhelmed
	b		Learn the hard way not to play Scrabble with a man who can pull Danielle Roget out of Leona Eltridge
	c		Invite someone else to your exorcism
	d		Think that you were crazy to think BARNABAS was obsessed by the past.
	e		Ask your friends (not that they care) that if Eliot WASN’T in love with Julia, how could she talk him into doing all those crazy things she did?

6		Barnabas Collins:
	a		Sigh dreamily
	b		Shake your head in pity
	c		Cheer for the eternal underdog
	d		Stay up composing fiction in his honor that will never see the light of day—or any eyes but your own.
	e		Play maudlin music and read Milton for inspiration.

7		Quentin Collins:
	a		Sigh dreamily
	b		Shake your head in pity
	c		Cheer for the eternal underdog
	d		Stay up composing fiction in his honor that will never see the light of day—or any eyes but your own
	e		Play maudlin music and read penny dreadfuls for inspiration.

8		Roger Collins
	a		Check both hands for a brandy glass
	b		Wonder morbidly about his past marriages
	c		Wonder even more morbidly about his love life
	d		Do all three and defend his right to get plastered.
	e		Drink with him.

9		Julia Hoffman
	a		Cheer
	b		Feel relieved; now you know Barnabas is going to get bailed out of trouble.
	c		Wish her wardrobe designers weren’t colorblind or too stingy to get out of the Ozzy & Harriet closet.
	d		Wonder if she has a middle name
	e		Hit Barnabas with a large, blunt, psychic object repeatedly until you feel better

10		Elizabeth Stoddard
	a		Ask loudly and snidely, why Liz has the nerve to question Roger’s parenting skills.
	b		Ask loudly and snidely, if she never heard of checking for a pulse first
	c		Wonder just how big Collinwood is, if she can stay there for two decades without cracking up completely
	d		Speculate on the firewood bill she must pay to keep the flames burning all year round.
	e		And while we’re at it, has she forbidden the use of TVs just like she forbade Roger the introduction of more modern equipment at the cannery?

11		Willie Loomis:
	a		Consider him the cutest guy on the show
	b		Figure he must be awful strong to haul somebody as big as Barnabas through the woods after Angelique chewed on him
	c		Wonder just what he’s DOING in the basement all the time (don’t watch Arsenic and Old Lace if you don’t want unwelcome ideas)
	d		Think that getting bitten by a vampire can’t be TOO bad, if it can make a sweet-tempered handyman who can fix anything out of a surly and scuzzy sailor.
	e		Feel really really bad whenever Nicholas Blair shows up in the same scene because you know he’s going to get brainwashed again...and with insulting ease.

12		Carolyn Stoddard
	a		Wonder what she ever did with Buzz, anyway?
	b		Wonder what she ever did with Tony, anyway?
	c		Cheer as she slowly develops her strengths out of the brat-mode and into the tough-lady mode (presumably, a side-effect of exposure to having tough lady doctors as houseguests)
	d		You don’t wonder what she did with Jeb; he did it to himself. Shame she had to get so upset though...
	e		Feel grateful that the otherwise insane writers didn’t do a Rosemary’s Baby with her and Jeb

13		Angelique Bouchard:
	a		Are reminded anew of the terrible irony when parents’ naming abilities fall short of the mark.
	b		Shiver at that laugh
	c		Suffer the creeping pangs of dread when Barnabas asks her for help
	d		Really enjoy it when she gets flamed, exorcised, shot, slapped, belittled, taunted, cursed or upstaged. (no particular preference—she has it all coming)
	e		Get flaming (sorry) mad when she turns good (again). It’s a perfect waste of a good villainness.

14		Nicholas Blair:
	a		Consider the possibiliy that there might be a time when his wardrobe doesn’t match his umbrella
	b		Find an impartial observer: ask them if those are faint horns on his forehead.
	c		Assure your little cousin that that ISN’T Snidely Whiplash
	d		Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
	e		Feel just a small bit of pity for falling in love with Maggie. Even a warlock can’t break the cycle of bad relationships in her record.

15		Count Petofi
	a		Shudder in violent distaste
	b		Daydream about Angelique’s marriage to him in Quentin’s body
	c		Think of the possibilities of what could have happened, if only Magda hadn’t wasted that curse on Quentin
	d		Ask questions guaranteed to irritate your friends, such as "He could switch minds and bodies but he couldn’t comb that bald spot over his head??"
	e		Tell your more guillable cousins that Quentin introduced Carpenter Ants into Petofi’s glove, but the scene was cut but that’s why he prefers to carry around his own mummified hand now.

	Tally up all your answers. If the majority of your answers are "A" then it means: You are definitely observant of the show. Quite possibly, an annoying nitpicker. People who take a more casual view of the plot integrities hate you and wish you were never born B's - You are a forgiving, generous person that understands entirely why Dark Shadows would be a primetime smash hit in non-English-speaking countries. C's - You have delusions of writing your own scripts for DS. You number in the 4% of DS fandom that dreads the awful things Dan Curtis will do to this theoretical, hypothetical, Beat-the-dead-dog third attempt to revive DS as a tv show. D's -You are extremely cynical and it isn’t healthy. Close friends have noticed your unconscious fascination with Wyndcliffe and everyone who has the "I Vacationed at Wyndcliffe" t-shirt. They understand you are silently crying for help but seacoast sanitariums are in short supply. E's - You obviously hate the show. Why you profess to be a fan is a perfect example of co-dependant spirals of emotional need and belittlement. For all your mental and emotional problems, however, you produce tons of fanfic and pester total strangers on what they think of it.

			Written by Marcy Wilson-Cales