Collinwood, Late Summer 1971 

“If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me…

If you forgive me all this
And I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me…”

(From “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Jim Steinman)


Barnabas and David drove back to Collinwood in silence. Barnabas seemed even more tense and preoccupied than he had been on the way into town, and his young cousin did not dare to ask to listen to any tunes. Upon their arrival at the mansion, David muttered a quick thanks and exited the car almost before Barnabas could come to a complete stop.

Collins noticed little of the boy’s words or actions and drove on to the Old House. His mind wandered as he made his way down the gravel drive to his home, and he was almost upon the strange car before he saw it. It had been left at a sharp angle in front of the house as if the driver had not had the patience to park correctly. As he walked toward it, he could see that it had Massachusetts’ plates.

Hurrying in the door, he barely paused to hang up his cane before calling out for his servant. “Willie?”

“In the drawing room, Barnabas.”

“Willie, whose car-” As he turned the corner, he saw that the question was no longer necessary. Julia stood before him, straight and still, and the sight of her fairly knocked the breath from him.

“It’s mine, Barnabas. I rented it at the airport in Boston.”

He just took her presence in for a moment, vaguely wondering if she could be a dream. She looked stunning in a coral blouse open at the neck that highlighted her hair and the tint of her skin. Oddly, she wore only one of her taupe gloves while the other was clutched tightly in her bare right hand.

She looked completely different from the last time he had seen her. In San Francisco, she had been so livid at him that he had barely recognized her. Now her face was marked by confusion and sadness, and he wondered what she was thinking, what she was feeling … why she was here.

“Julia, I thought that I might never see you again.”

“I wondered about that myself, Barnabas,” she answered solemnly.

“Uh, ‘scuse me, Julia. I’d better get to some other chores,” the forgotten Willie murmured.

“Of course, Willie,” she said to him. “Thank you, again.”

Loomis nodded his sandy head before scurrying out of the room with a quick backward glance that silently wished them both luck.

Barnabas dreaded the question he had to ask her but felt he had little choice. “Did you accept the position in San Francisco?”

He released his held breath when he saw Julia shake her head.

“I told Stevie that I needed more time, and she graciously agreed to wait for my decision.”

“She must want you there very badly.”

“As I told you, Barnabas, she is a remarkable person. As well as a very patient one,” she added.

“Both qualities that she shares with you, Julia,” he said sincerely before forcing himself to continue. “Why…why were you unable to come to a decision?”

“You mean, why did I return to Collinwood?”

He nodded, his dark eyes both hopeful and anxious.

“I told Willie that I came back to tell you to go to hell.”

His face crumpled in disappointment at her response. Since seeing her in this room, he had wanted to believe that she had come back to him, but apparently, she had not changed her mind.

“But,” she continued, “Willie seems to take his role as Jiminy Cricket quite seriously. He forced me to admit the truth.” She looked down at her hands and began to fiddle with the glove that she still held.

“The truth?”

“That I still love you, Barnabas.” She had said those words to him a thousand times in her dreams. She had shown him her love through her actions on his behalf for years. But she had never told him to his face how she felt – not until now.

His heart soared at her admission, and his face softened into a delighted smile as he moved toward her. “Julia…” he began.

“No, Barnabas,” she warned, taking a step backward. “If this was a novel or a soap opera, I would be rushing into your arms at this point. But I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”

“But, Julia, why?” he protested. “You know that I love you, and you have just admitted that you love me. Why can’t we be together?”

It would have been so easy to give in to him; after all, this was what she had wanted for years. And he looked so handsome standing there in his gray suit, pleading for her to love him. But he was so like a child in so many ways; he could see the world in black and white when it suited his own purposes. If she had known about his conversation with a Mrs. Madge Symcuski somewhere over the continental Unites States, she would have reminded him what he already knew: life, in truth, could be very gray. And at this moment, her life seemed as gray as the ocean swells that crashed heavily against the rocks of Widows’ Hill.

“Because…because I am still emotionally bruised, Barnabas,” she tried to explain to him. “I’m not sure that I can turn my heart over to you. I may love you, Barnabas, but I’m not sure that I want to love you.”

In San Francisco, she had meant to hurt him with her words; she had been intentionally cruel. She no longer felt the need to do that, but her honesty about her own uncertainty wounded him just as deeply. He turned from her to hide his emotions. But when he buried his head in his hands, his shoulders slumped in grief, she knew that he was silently weeping.

She had foolishly believed that she had built a strong fortress around her feelings for him, but seeing him like this quickly melted her heart. She felt herself returning to another painful moment in this room, a moment from their own troubled past:

It had been relatively dark and cold in the Old House because he had little need of light or warmth. He had just seen Sarah, and his little sister’s rejection of him had crippled him much as he was crippled now. In spite of what he was at the time, in spite of how monstrously he had treated her, his heartbroken reaction had proven to Julia that humanity still lived inside his silent and unbeating heart. His tears had shown her that she had been right about him – he had been a good and decent man before this loathsome curse had been placed upon him.

At that time all those years ago, she had instinctively gone to him, touched him, tried to comfort him. He had rejected her then. But she could not bear that it was she who had done this to him this time, and she had the same reaction that she had had all those years ago. She instinctively reached out to him, dropping her one glove yet again, and placed her strong yet gentle hands on his shoulders.

“Barnabas,” she said soothingly as she turned him to face her. “It’s all right. It’s all right, my darling.”

He looked down into her tender face through eyes filled with unshed tears. She reached up to lay a hand lovingly against his cheek; he captured it, pressing his warm lips against her palm. They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment. The time for games was long past. Both knew that their lives – their destinies – depended upon the next words they spoke to each other.

He had always laid the ground rules in their relationship; he had always set the pace. It was her turn now, and she took a small step away from him.

“The absolute truth, Barnabas, is that I’m …scared.” She saw him begin to protest and waved a hand at him. “Yes, I know – after what we’ve seen and what we’ve faced, how could love scare me? But it does, Barnabas. The pain of a broken heart …can be far worse than anything else in life. And as a doctor, I know that there is no medical cure for that affliction. My heart is fragile now, Barnabas. I’m not sure it could take anymore disappointment.”

She had never been this brutally honest with him before about her suffering at his hands, and his own heart ached hearing how he had hurt her in the past. The guilt was almost overwhelming, and he longed to atone for all he had done to her.

“I promise you, Julia, that I will love and cherish you with all of my being for the rest of our lives if only you will give me the chance.”

His words sounded like a solemn vow to her, and she found herself incapable of refusing him. “I’m willing to try, Barnabas. But I need to go very slowly.”

She did want to love him; she knew that now. But she also knew that for her own emotional stability, she needed be in control for a change.

“Can you give me the time that I need, Barnabas?”

“Oh, Julia,” he said, his voice deep with emotion, “I will do whatever you say as long as we can find our own time and place.”

She nodded, not trusting her own voice at the moment. She took the opportunity to retrieve her glove from the floor. Pulling the other one off of her hand, she placed them together, one atop the other, on the arm of a nearby chair. She knew that Barnabas had been watching her actions, and looking into his curious eyes, she said softly, “These gloves have had a hard time staying together. But they seem to be a matching pair now.”

He murmured her name as he reached for her. Pulling her into his arms, they held each other for the first time as lovers. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, like pieces that had been missing from a puzzle for years … pieces that were needed to complete a whole.

“Julia,” he finally whispered against her soft hair. “Would it be all right if I asked you to have dinner with me tomorrow night?”

She pulled back to look up into his hopeful face.

“I would like that very much, Barnabas,” she answered with a smile. A sharp ring erupted from behind her, and she jumped in his arms. “What was that ?”

“That, my dear, is a telephone.”

“A telephone? In the Old House?” She was incredulous.

He grinned widely at her, looking very much like a little boy who has brought home his first ‘A’. “Yes, a telephone. And plumbing and electricity are on the way. My ‘conscience’ advised me that lovely lady doctors prefer all of the modern conveniences.”

“First airplanes and now this,” she said, shaking her head. Barnabas Collins had never before considered bringing his beloved Old House into the 20th century. Not for Vicki or Maggie or for any other woman. She laid her head on his shoulder again; there was no longer any doubt in her mind that this man truly loved her.


**~**

Around the corner, Willie Loomis brought his hands together in a silent clap of joy as he hurried off to answer the phone. He didn’t like to eavesdrop on his friends, but in this case, he felt he had been justified. After all, it wasn’t easy being Barnabas Collins’ Official Conscience.



Part Fifteen