ThreeLittleWords

That's gonna have to do, JC thought as he laid the white envelope
carefully down on the pillow. He ran his fingers over the smooth cover and felt a wave of nervousness rush through his body. After their fight that morning, he realized he had to try to tell him how he felt.

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    "You never say it, how am I supposed to know how you feel! I'm not a mind reader," Lance said upsetedly, tears brimming in the corners of his crystal green eyes. JC hated putting that look in them, the look of disappointment and uncertainty.

    "You know, I have a tough time with words, babe, come on," he said, his heart aching. Lance had told him months ago. He had said it again and again hoping that maybe this time JC would say it back. Nothing Lance did could make him say I love you.

    "Josh, I can't do this anymore. Either you say how you feel, or we're
through. If you can't say it, then you obviously don't feel as much as I feelfor you," he choked out between his sobs. JC longed to hold him and tell him,but he couldn't, not even after hearing that.

    "I feel it, but I can't say it. I can't put it into words. I feel it when
we're together. I do and that should mean more to you then the words. Lance, try to understand where I'm coming from," he pleaded reaching out for his lover's hand.

    "I have to go," Lance said turning away and slamming the door with a loud thud as he left.

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    JC made his way out of the room and clicked the door shut quietly behind him. Just as he entered the hall he heard the elevator, ding ding. As if like clockwork, Lance appeared and began to walk towards him.

    "Hey, Josh. What you up to?" he whispered uncomfortably.

    "Uh, not too much, just heading back to my room, thought I'd watch a movie or something," JC choked as he felt his stomach twist into a knot, he felt as though he was going to fall to the floor in dry heaves any second.

    "Um, you mind if I come over and hang out or something?" Lance asked willing to forget the whole fight.

    Yeah baby, anytime you want, we can hang out. I want you so bad right now. Come with me. Screw the fight, screw the letter. I can tell you myself. NO! No I can't, what am I thinking. I haven't yet, why would I now? He has to read the letter, then he'll understand, he has to understand. Think of something, think of an excuse, give him a reason not to come over. He's giving you THAT look. Those beautiful green eyes are calling your name. Say something!

"Uh, actually, I'll probably, uh just take a nap, ya know, before the show tonight," he whispered as he started to turn to go into his
own room.

    "Ok, I guess I'll just see you later then," Lance said, his heart
breaking. He went into his room and shut the door. He fell to his bed in
tears. Maybe this is it, maybe it's all through, maybe it was all nothing.
No, it couldn't have been nothing. He said he felt it and I felt it too. Why can't he just say those stupid three words? That's all I need to hear. He ran his hand up through his hair but in the process felt his hand brush over something rough. He grasped it and pulled it down in front of his face. It was an envelope with Lance, scrawled across it in JC's sloppy script. He tore it open and yanked the paper out. It was a letter.

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Lance-

    Babe, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry I can't say it, but I do
feel it. I feel it so much and so bad sometimes that it hurts. My body aches for yours. To be near you, to touch you. To have you touch me.

    I go through each day just longing to be back in bed with you, in your arms. That's what gets me through each day. I know if I'm strong, we'll be back together. You always say you're so weak, but you're not. You are one of the strongest men I know, screw that, you are the strongest. You have the ability to take me at the end of a long day and make it all go away. If I'm crying you just say 'it's gonna be ok' in that calm, soothing drawl and all the demons disappear. You're my hero.

    One time you asked me when I first knew I wanted to be with you. I lied and said something as lame as 'I knew it the moment I saw you.' I knew you'd eat it up and not ask anything else. I'm sorry for that now, really, I am. I know exactly when I fell for you. When you were sick in the hospital. I thought we were going to lose you. That was the toughest week of my life. I still can't believe Lou made us perform without you. That was the worst. I was so used to hearing that deep bass melody come through my ear, but it was gone. That's why every night I came rushing to the hospital after the show, no matter where it had been. I needed to see you, and that you were still there.

    One night, I looked at you for hours and saw how weak you were. How your brilliant eyes had faded to nothing. How your little belly (sorry babe but I love it and you know it) had depleted to nothing. How all you could do was sleep. I started to cry and woke you up. You asked why I was crying and I lied to you again. I told you it was Lou and all the crap we were going through with him. I know you hate me right now, and all these lies aren't helping at all. The real reason is that I was scared I was going to lose you, I just didn't want to freak you out. I'll never forget what you did though. You just took my hand and held it and tried to make it all better. It seems ironic now, meaning I should have been the one comforting you. We fell asleep like that and that was the night I fell for you.

    I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. You had just told me you were gay. Everyone else already knew about you and you all knew how I was. I mean I had been flirting with you and flirting, but always assumed nothing would come of it. As soon as you said those words though, I knew we had something. You weren't so much telling me but asking me. The look on my face must have said it all cuz you just walked towards me and did it. Your lips felt so soft that day and they still feel the same. They felt like home.

    You always say I sound like I have such passion in my voice when I sing. You always make fun of how I get so expressive swinging my arms in the air and closing my eyes, but I never told you what's on my mind when I sing. I close my eyes to make the audience disappear and I imagine that it's just you who I'm singing for. That's where I get the passion, it's all you babe.

    I've never told you this in so many words but I love your voice. It's so deep and so smooth and what gets me so bad, is that you don't even have to try to make it sound like that. It just is and it's so you. I know how you feel when you're on stage for soundcheck and they make you sing alone, how your cheeks get all flushed and you look like your glowing. It's the same look you get after we make love. I can't even watch you because it gets to me every time. I go and I sit behind the sound booth and put on the headphones and listen to whatever you have to sing that day. I listen to how you laugh uncomfortably as they tell you to wait a minute or when the guys make fun of you. Just remember, you're the sexiest to me at that moment, babe.

    When we're in clubs, I always go off and grind with faceless girls in the crowd. I always see you across the room looking at me with a look of half hurt, half jealousy in those eyes and it kills me. I know I look into it as I move to the music but the whole time I'm thinking of you and what we'll do back at the hotel. You're the only one I want. If it were up to me, you'd be my only dance partner, no matter where we were.

    I can't write this letter to you without telling you how I feel when we
make love. We've never just had sex, it's always been everything. Fireworks every single time. I hope you feel the same way. That's what I meant when I said I feel it and that's all that matters. When we're together, I feel like crying I'm so happy. When I feel you against me, God Lance, you have to know how I feel, but I just can't say it. I feel horrible. You are everything to me. I don't know why I can't say it! It's killing me, baby, I do feel it. When we make love and I hear the pleasure in your voice, in the way you sound, in the way you feel and the way you touch me, I've never been happier in my life. It can't get better then the way I feel when I'm with you, it just can't.

    I want the whole world to know how I feel for you. I would love to go on talk shows and sit next to you and hold your hand the whole time, sneaking smiles at you. I want to bring you to award shows as my date. I want to go on dates with you that are not held at my house or yours or in a random hotel room in some random city. I want to hold you in public and kiss you. The next time someone asks if we're single or if we have girlfriends I want to say, "Neither, I'm in love with the most incredible man in the world," and look at you. I want to make you blush and be embarrassed cuz I know on the inside you're beaming.

    Most of all I just love waking up next to you, in your arms, lying on
your chest. I can feel your heartbeat against my face and it makes me feel alive. More alive then any song I could write or any contract I could sign. I could spend the rest of my life just making you happy and seeing you smile. I wouldn't need anything else. All I need is you and all I want is you. I tried to put it into words and I know, I know, I didn't say the only three words that could make you mine forever, but I will, I promise.

    Your lover for as long as you want me,

                                            Josh

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    "Ohmygod," Lance cried as he tried to catch his breath. His body shook as he tried to sit up but he couldn't move an inch. He clung the paper to his chest never wanting to let it go. His mind ran ragged trying to make sense of it all. Those words, those stupid three words he can't say, don't even matter, okay they matter, but he feels ALL of that. And he told me. Even if he can't say it, he feels it. That's good enough. Right? Oh god, it's still not enough. Who am I kidding?

    A light knock came from the door breaking him out of his trance. He wiped his eyes as best he could and reached for the handle. He didn't have to look, he knew who it was. He pulled it open.

    "Do you understand?" JC asked fear brimming in his tortured blue eyes. The letter fluttered up in down in Lance's hands as he tried to think of what to say.

    "I never knew you felt this way," Lance said giving in as the tears ran freely down his face. JC stepped up to Lance and pulled him tight against his chest. He kicked the door shut behind him. Their lips found each the others, starving for one another. Lance slowly made his way to the bed and laid down, JC close behind. He propped himself above Lance who lay beneath him.

    "I know I still didn't say what you wanted to hear," he said looking away shamefully. Lance grabbed his chin and directed his gaze back at him.

    "I don't care that much, Josh, that letter told me everything I needed to hear. I mean everything you said about me, no ones EVER said that and no one will ever say it again. As long as you tell me how you feel, I don't need those words," he tried to explain. I want those words.

    JC looked down at his boyfriend, his fingers playing with the buttons on his shirt. He wanted to make Lance happy, he knew he wanted him to say it, hell, JC wanted to say it. He could see the pain looming in Lance's eyes despite the goofy grin on his face. JC was sure he looked the same way. Completely out of it, in another world. It was always like that when they were together. He slowly unbuttoned the shirt, slipping it away from his lover's body. Lance bit his lip, his eyelashes fluttering slightly as he looked away anticipating what would happen next. JC's fingers tickled down his stomach and he watched as the muscles tightened under his touch and a slight blush came over Lance's face.

    "I love you," JC whispered, the sound disappearing into the air. Lance's eyes popped open and he slowly sat up. A smile broke across JC's face.

    "What did you say?" Lance murmured his eyes becoming watery. JC rested his hand against his face and moved closer.

    "I love you," he breathed as his lips found Lance's once again, only this time it felt completely different. He could feel the wetness of Lance's tears on his face, or maybe they were his own but he didn't care. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you....." he allowed his voice to trail as Lance clung to him.

    "Why do you keep saying it?" he moaned into JC's ear as his hands ran up and through the brunette's hair.

    "I need to make up for all the times I didn't say it back," he mumbled. Lance stopped moving and placed a hand against JC's chest to keep him back.

    "I only need to hear you say it once. So wait," he said pulling his
boyfriend closer so that their noses were touching and they were eye to eye.

"I love you, Josh," he whispered. The words hung in the air for a minute before the full force finally hit JC.

    "Lance, I love you."

THE END