TTMABchapter11

Don't wander through this glassy surface
Expecting to find more than me
'Cause what am I without a purpose
But a lone mirage to see

Lance wandered through the halls, he was in denial. He had heard wrong, because Jc didn't love him. He couldn't love him; Lance had never been loved by anyone. Lance had never loved. He didn�t think he even knew how to love. This new experience scared him; it scared him to know that someone loved him. That someone loved him unconditionally without wanting anything in return. All Lance had to give was himself. He didn't have money, a house, a lot of friends, popularity. He didn't have most of the things that attracted people to people. He was scarred, broken, and lonely. No matter how he tried, he just couldn't fathom how Jc could love him.

With his head down, he kept on walking, until he stopped in front of Jc's office. He stood there for a good ten minutes, just thinking about Jc and how much he wanted what he�d said to be true. Then the door opened unexpectedly, causing Lance to jump.

"Lance," Jc whispered, eyes wide, "Lance, I thought you didn't...want to see me again."

"I, well I heard what you said, while I was 'sleeping.'" Lance said softly. "Do you - do you really love me?"

"God, yes! I love you...so much," Jc exclaimed softly. "More than you'll never know. You captured my heart, Lance."

Lance looked down at his feet, he bit his lip as he digested what Jc just told him. Jc loved him, he truly did. He could tell that this time, Jc wasn�t lying. He could see the love in Jc�s eyes. And it scared him.

�But, if you love me, why did you tell everything to Chris? I thought I could trust you,� Lance asked, hurt evident in his voice.

�Lance, I don�t know what to say. I�m so sorry for doing that. It wasn�t what you�re probably thinking. Chris and I are best friends and we both care for you and Justin so much. We share your stories to help each other help you. We share stories and talk about how much we wish we could help you better. The times I talk with Chris help boost my confidence a little so I can help you more. I just, I�m really sorry Lance,� Jc explained, wishing, praying that Lance would accept his apology.

�I just, it may take me a little while to trust you completely again,� Lance told Jc.

�I know, I realize that. And I can wait Lance because I love you,� Jc replied, his eyes pleading with Lance to understand that.

"You do realize I have nothing to give you. I don�t even know � I don�t know what to do, Jc. I don�t know what you want from me. No one�s ever � ever loved me before" Lance said, stumbling over his words.

Jc was surprised, how could people NOT love Lance? What wasn�t there to love? Jc knew that Lance came with a hell of a lot of baggage, but that was why he was at this place. He was there for Lance, to help Lance. And in the process he�d fallen for the boy. He knew that if he could just continue to show Lance his love, maybe Lance could be saved.

�It�s ok, Lance. I love YOU. It doesn�t matter that you have nothing. It doesn�t matter to me. All I want is for you to open up to me, share yourself with me. I love what I know now, and I want to know more of you. The more I know, the more I can love,� Jc explained with a smile. Maybe Lance would forgive him after all.

�I don�t understand how you can love me, but I do believe you, Jc. I want you to know that. And I want to be able to open up, but I�m not sure I know how,� Lance replied, frowning a little.

�This � what we�re doing right now � this is a start,� Jc assured him. �Just let me be not only your doctor, but your friend. I want to help you the best I can, ok?�

�Yeah,� Lance agreed, tears forming in his eyes. �Thank you for loving me. Someday, I hope I can say it back,� he whispered as Jc pulled him into a hug.

�It will take time, Lance, but I know we can do this � together,� Jc said as he held Lance tight.

****

Over the next few days, Justin and Chris spent most of their time together. Chris had other patients to tend to, but Justin was his main patient. Justin was getting better every day. Chris brought different kinds of food for Justin to try and eat, making sure that they wouldn�t be too hard on his stomach. Each day, Justin felt a little better about himself. And he knew he owed it all to Chris.

Lance stood at his bedroom window one day, later that week, watching Justin and Chris who were outside, eating lunch on the picnic table. He couldn�t help but smile as he saw Justin look over at Chris with a silly grin on his face.

Chris and Justin were quite a pair. At first, when Chris had been assigned to Justin, Lance had thought that he was a little too outgoing for Justin. But in the end, his sense of humor had helped out a lot. Justin always had fun with Chris.

After his sessions with Chris, Justin would always come to Lance�s room and talk. He�d talk about what they did together, or what he ate that day. Justin was so excited that he was finally getting better. He could remember and describe almost every meal since he�d started eating again. Lance was surprised, but he was so happy for Justin that it didn�t matter.

His best friend had found someone that he really clicked with, someone that loved him. How could Lance not be happy for him? And Justin also asked about what he did with Jc and if they made any progress. Lance always felt a little silly because he wasn�t getting better as fast as Justin was, but Justin assured him that it was ok.

Lance thought about Justin leaving. It would probably happen really soon because he was eating almost three full meals a day, and Chris always made sure that he didn�t throw his food up after eating. He was gaining weight too, and Lance happily thought that he could no longer see Justin�s ribs when Justin took off his shirt.

He gazed out the window again, watching as Chris and Justin talked, laughed, and ate. He would miss Justin when he left. He wouldn�t really have a friend there anymore. Well, he�d have Jc, and Jc was a friend, but he was also a doctor. Lance found himself wishing that he could be the one leaving.

****

Outside, Chris cracked another joke and watched, amused, as Justin burst into laughter, spitting out the water he�d been drinking.

�Ah, Justin! Did you have to spit it out?� Chris exclaimed, laughing.

�Well, did you have to say *that* while I was drinking?� Justin retorted, a smile on his face.

�Yes, I did,� Chris replied, turning to face Justin.

�Ok,� Justin said as his eyes locked with Chris�.

�You know what Justin?� Chris asked, turning serious as they continued to stare at one-another.

�What?� Justin asked curiously, searching Chris� eyes for an answer.

�I think that you�re better,� Chris told him, a soft smile on his face.

�I am?� Justin asked.

�Yeah,� Chris replied. �Why did you come here in the first place?� Chris regretted the question at first because he watched as Justin�s eyes filled with pain. But then the pain was gone and replaced by something else.

�I came here because I was starving myself because I thought I was ugly. And no one back home thought they could help me,� Justin said. Chris could tell that it hurt Justin to say it, but he was so proud.

�And what do you think of yourself now?� Chris questioned, knowing he needed to push Justin to make him understand.

�I don�t think I�m ugly anymore. I know that when my parents told me I was ugly, they were just angry because of their own problems. They didn�t really mean that I was ugly,� Justin stated.

�Ok. And what about you as a person?� Chris asked.

�Well, I don�t really know. I think that you�ve made me a better person,� Justin replied.

�It wasn�t just me, Justin. You helped yourself too, you just needed a little guidance,� Chris told him.

�Ok,� Justin agreed.

�Do you believe me?� Chris questioned.

�Yes,� Justin replied, and Chris could see it in his eyes � he was telling the truth.

�Ok. Now what about eating?� Chris asked.

�Well, I can almost eat three whole meals a day. I never feel sick to my stomach after eating anymore � unless I eat way too much. And I actually enjoy eating,� Justin explained.

�Ok. That is why I think you�re ready. All those things you just said. And Justin?� Chris said.

�Yeah?�

�I think you�re a beautiful person � inside and out,� Chris told him.