NotWhatHeSeems2

*Justin�s Point-Of-View*

�Oh. My. God.�

Those were the three words that were running through my head after Lance told me he was gay. I never expected Lance to be gay too.

�Wow.�

That was the only other word I could say. I tried to speak and that�s all that came out. I really needed to get my composure back before Lance returned from the bathroom. I didn�t want him to think anything was up. I needed to act normal.

I stood up from my spot on the bed and headed over to where my suitcase lay across the room. I bent down and scooped up my pajama pants and an old, worn-out tee shirt. I jumped when I felt someone�s hands on my sides.

I turned around to find myself in Joey�s arms. �Uh, hi Joe,� I said, wishing that he hadn�t come.

�Hey baby,� Joey purred.

�Um, Joey, I don�t think now is a good time,� I told Joey, pushing him away.

�Why not, J, you don�t want to play with me?� Joey asked, giving me his best pout.

�Because Lance is in the bathroom. He�ll be out any minute. You don�t want him to catch you and find out you�re gay, would you?� I pointed out, knowing that Joey would back off.

�Can�t we just go to my room?� Joey suggested since he had been the one to get the single room.

�Not tonight. I�m really tired,� I replied, hoping my excuse was good enough.

�All right. But tomorrow night� you�re mine,� Joey breathed into my ear before turning to leave the room.

I shuddered, wishing that I had the balls to end it with Joey. I realized a few weeks ago that I didn�t love him anymore. Actually, I�m not so sure that I ever loved him. About a month ago, we became �more than friends.� Well, it was more like �sex buddies.� I thought that I might love him, and I think he thought he loved me. Who knows, maybe he was just using me.

Anyway, the sex was good. But that�s all it was. Good. It wasn�t bad, but I just wanted more. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to make love to someone and have someone make love to me. And recently, I realized that I wasn�t going to get that with Joey. Then I tried to find someone else that could be for me.

And I came up with Lance. I mean, he�s the perfect boyfriend. He�s so caring and loyal. He�s such a good person, and I can�t believe that I just realized that about a week ago. I don�t know exactly when I realized it, but it was a day I�ll never forget.

It was a normal day on tour. We were all doing our own thing before the concert, but I was really bored for some unknown reason. I started to bug Joey about it, but he was playing Playstation with Chris, so he pretty much ignored me. I was a little upset, but went to see what JC was doing. I found him in him at the table, hunched over him notebook, humming nameless tunes. I knew better than to bug him. And that left Lance.

I knew that Lance must be in his bunk because he wasn�t anywhere else. I walked over to his bunk and pulled over the curtain quietly, hoping that if he was asleep, I wouldn�t wake him. I gasped when I saw that he was asleep, and he had a peaceful look on his face. He looked gorgeous.

Since I�d figured out I was gay, I�d never looked at a guy and thought he was gorgeous. Especially Lance. But there was just something about how he looked at that very moment. It�s really hard to explain, and I know this sounds really stupid, but he looked just like an angel. And I knew that this crush that started developing at the moment would stay with me for a while.

So now I�m stuck. I really want to pursue something with Lance, but I don�t know if he even wants to. And then there�s Joey. I don�t think he loves me, and I don�t love him. But I know that breaking it off with him so I can be with Lance would hurt him whether he loves me or not. And no matter how much I want Lance, I really don�t want to hurt Joey.

So what should I do? I don�t know anymore. Why can�t I just be straight? It would be much easier that way. I could just be with Britney and live happily ever after. But I know that I couldn�t be happy with Britney. I love her like a sister, and if I liked women, I�d probably be able to love her. She�s such a sweetheart and she�s one of my best friends.

We used to date before I figure out that I was gay. And I hated myself when I had to break up with her because I liked guys. And I hated myself when I saw tears falling down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to even think about that. I never wanted to hurt her.

I guess that�s why I�m so worried about breaking up with Joey. Even thought I�m pretty sure that he doesn�t love me, I wouldn�t be able to deal with hurting another important person in my life.

And that somehow brings me back to Lance. Everything does lately. When I think about a certain movie, it brings me to Lance because I really missed him when he was filming On The Line. When I�m brushing my teeth, I remember that Lance always have to keep the toothpaste tube perfect, and if I mess it up, he gets mad. When I�m reading a confusing book, I wish he were there to explain it to me. When I write songs, they all turn out to be about Lance in some way. When I go to bed at night, Lance is the one on my mind. When I can remember my dreams, they�re all about Lance.

I jump as a I feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see� Lance. He�s smiling at me curiously. I feel myself blush a little.

�Hey, whatcha thinking about?� he asked me, sitting down on the bed next to me. I didn�t even remember sitting back down on my bed while I was deep in my thoughts.

�Um, not much,� I said, stumbling over those three words.

�Are you ok?� Lance questioned, looking really concerned.

�Yeah, why?� I replied, wondering why he was asking.

�You�re crying, Justin,� he informed me, frowning.

�I am?� I replied, feeling quite stupid. I didn�t even realize that I was crying.

�Yeah, are you all right?� Lance asked again.

�Not really,� I told him, letting the tears fall harder.

�What�s wrong, J?� he questioned, rubbing my back.

�I�m just so confused. Love sucks,� I answered, crying harder. Here Lance was, comforting me when he had no clue that he was the reason I was crying. I knew I should just tell him how I felt, but I didn�t want him to hate me.

�Yeah, it does,� he replied, looking me straight in the eyes with a sad look on his face. He wiped all the tears from my cheeks and gave me a small smile. �Do you want to talk about it?�

�Not tonight. But can we talk tomorrow?� I asked him, my voice not above a whisper.

�Sure, you can talk to me any time,� he assured me with a smile. He pulled down the covers to my bed and tucked me in before giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. �Everything will get better, I promise.�