NotWhatHeSeems13

*Josh�s Point-Of-View*

I was walking back to my room after a long stay at a local bar, when my own bodyguards grabbed me, and one called the police on his cell phone.

�What the fuck?� I screamed, wondering what the hell was going on. I stumbled as I tried to get away from them.

�Where have you been?� one of them demanded.

�I just went to the bar, man, chill,� I snapped.

�We have reason to believe that you raped Lance and just left him there, is that true?� a policeman asked, as he walked up behind me.

�What is going on?� I demanded. �Lance fucking told them?� I screamed in my head. �He�s in big trouble.�

�Where were you at eight o�clock tonight?� the policeman asked.

�In my room,� I replied.

�What were you doing?� he questioned.

�Watching TV,� I responded cooly.

�Is that all you were doing?� the man asked me cockily.

�What is this � 20 questions?� I yelled. I froze as I saw Justin in the doorway. The look in his eyes made me stop. It was a look of pure disgust, and it was directed towards me.

�Was that all you were doing?� the man asked again.

�Yes,� I replied, my eyes never meeting Justin�s. I watched as he finally turned around and went back into the room. �Probably went to get Joey and Chris,� I thought to myself.

�If that�s all you were doing, than we�re going to take you down to the station and get a semen analysis. We found some on the sheets, and when it doesn�t match yours, I�ll believe you,� he said.

�Shit,� I thought to myself. �What the hell am I going to do now?�

****

They brought me down in a police car, and I�d never felt like such a horrible person. Maybe I shouldn�t have done that to Lance, maybe it was wrong. But he wanted it! How was it wrong if he wanted it?

I struggled a little bit as we got out of the car, but they�d put handcuffs on, so I couldn�t even dream of getting away. I didn�t know what to do. I knew that if they did the semen analysis, they�d find me out. But if I refused it, I�d have to give a reason. Then they would believe that I did it anyway. I was screwed.

****

I sat in the waiting area, waiting for the results. But I didn�t have to hear it from a doctor to know what the results would be. I couldn�t believe what I�d done. I kept thinking over and over that maybe I shouldn�t have done it; maybe Lance didn�t really want it like that. And before I knew it, I was crying. Sobbing actually. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, my body shaking with silent sobs.

I tired to wipe away the tears, but it was no use. It felt like they would never stop coming. And I hurt, so badly. I hurt for myself, for what I�d done to Lance, for the rest of the guys, for the group, for what the rest of my life would be like. In only half an hour I�d ruined my whole life.

�Wait!� I yelled, catching the attention of a police officer that was standing nearby. �I admit it!�

�You admit what?� he asked, coming closer and motioning for some of his colleagues to follow.

�I did it!� I screamed through my sobs.

�You did what?� he pressed on.

�I raped Lance!� I exclaimed, throwing myself onto the floor and screaming through my sobs. My entire body shook violently as my screams filled the room. My heart was ripping into a million pieces and it was all my fault.

****

I woke up with a horrible headache, sighing because my nightmare had finally ended. But when I looked around me, I wasn�t in my hotel room. I was in � �Jail?� I asked myself.

And then all the shit I�d done came back to me. I remembered the pain and pure terror in Lance�s eyes while I tore his poor body in a fit of rage. A rage that wasn�t justified. I had no reason to do what I did. And I knew that now I would pay. There would be a trial and I would be put away for a long, long time. All because I wanted to get back at Lance.

And all he did was want me. I gasped as I realized that I wanted him too. I wanted him. And I had gotten him, but not in the right way. And now all was lost for me because I was too afraid to admit that I wanted another man.

****

I was sitting on the hard bed of my cell when a guard came and told me I had a visitor. I couldn�t believe it. Who the hell would want to come and visit me? I follow him down the hall to the room where I was allowed to visit with people. I just prayed that it was Lance so I could apologize. When the guard opened the door, though, I came face-to-face with an extremely pissed off Justin.

�You little fucker,� he spat out, fire in his eyes.

�Justin,� I stated flatly, not having the energy to fight. I knew I deserved everything he was about to say to me.

�How the fuck could you do this? What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you were our friend!� Justin almost screamed, but he kept his voice lower so he wouldn�t be asked to leave.

�I was � I am,� I stuttered, but shut my mouth when he glared at me. It was such an icy glare. Then I realized � he hated me. I could see it in his eyes. Tears streamed down my face at the realization.

�You *are*?� Justin asked angrily. �What the fuck? If you were my friend � Lance�s friend � you wouldn�t do that to him. What were you thinking?�

�I just thought that � I don�t know,� I admitted. �I found out that he wanted me, and I was disgusted. I wanted to get back at him. So I did it. And then I realized that I wanted him too. And now I hate myself for hurting him.�

Justin didn�t look touched by my admissions. He just looked even more pissed. �Well, that was good timing. Realize after your revenge that you want him. That�s just fucking great, Joshua,� he snarled.

I winced. He never used my full name. I don�t think I�d ever heard him use it before. He�d always told me it was too formal. My mom was the only person to use it, and only when she was really angry. I sighed.

�Oh no you don�t, don�t start feeling sorry for yourself now. You deserve every *fucking* thing you get. God, I can�t believe you,� Justin said, sounding very exasperated.

�I�m sorry,� I whispered, knowing it wouldn�t do any good.

�It�s a little too late for sorry, man,� Justin replied, looking quite sad.

�I know, but I�m still sorry,� I assured him.

�You were hoping I was Lance, weren�t you?� Justin asked suddenly.

�Yeah,� I admitted quietly, looking down.

�I�m not letting him anywhere near you,� Justin told me, the fire back in his eyes.

�Sorry,� I mumbled, upset that I wouldn�t get to see Lance, to be able to tell *him* I was sorry.

�Stop saying that! I don�t give a shit if you�re sorry! That doesn�t heal the wounds that you gave Lance! That doesn�t mend his heart. And it sure as hell doesn�t make me feel any better. It just makes me angrier. And I hope you know that if you weren�t in jail, if I�d gotten to you first, I would�ve kicked your ass. I would�ve really made you sorry you ever laid a finger on my boy,� Justin yelled, his voice getting louder as he went.

�Your boy?� I asked quietly.

He looked confused, like he hadn�t even realized what he�d said. But then he looked up at me, his eyes still angry. I wondered if they�d ever lose the anger when he looked at me. �Yes, my boy. Lance and I are together. We got together right before you � did *that* to him. I hope you�re happy that you ruined it. He�s probably going to have a hard time trusting now since you were one of his best friends. You fucked up, Josh, and I�ll never forgive you,� Justin stated before walking out of the room.

I cried as I watched him leave the room, hating myself more than ever. I just wanted to die. And I knew that now, after what I had done, there were four men that wished I would too.