| Love Will Tear Us Apart |
| It�s been months since I�ve seen him. Months. Do you know how hard that is? I miss him. So badly. For the first week I sat by the phone, hoping, wishing, praying that he would call. Because I didn�t have the courage to call him. I didn�t have the strength to be rejected again. I remember back to a day a few months ago. Two months and one week to be exact. I think it was a Tuesday. The worst Tuesday of my life. The day when I realized that we were growing apart. ~When routine bites hard and ambitions are low~ We were so used to each other that it was no longer fun. We had gotten into a vicious pattern that repeated over and over and over again. I no longer got chills when he gave me that look. And after a while, he stopped giving me the look all together. I didn�t feel the sparks when we kissed anymore either. And then we just stopped kissing too. ~And resentment rides high but emotions won't grow~ I began to wish that it was the way it used to be. I began to resent the fact that Justin and Britney were so close and loved each other so much. I wanted what they had. I wanted it with Josh. We used to be in love. But I don�t know what happened. He is, and always will be, the love of my life. And it depresses me to know that I can never have him back. I tried to love him again, and he tried to renew his love for me. But our love was fading, and it couldn�t grow back. ~And we're changing our ways, taking different roads~ Then *Nsync ended, and so did my dream. I guess I was ok with the situation when we were in the group. Even though we weren�t together as a couple, we were around each other. I still got to see him every day. I got to see the sparkle in his big blue eyes, and see the smile that lit up his face. I got to hear his laughter. But now I can�t. Because now I�m in Mississippi, and he�s all the way in Maryland. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss hanging out with the guys, joking around and picking on each other. I miss sitting in the bus lounge, watching Josh write music. I don�t know what it was about him when he wrote, but I could never seem to get enough of just watching him. I miss him. Everything about him. ~Why is the bedroom so cold Turned away on your side?~ That first night after we broke up was so horrible. I flew straight home and cried in my mother�s arms for hours. She knew about Josh and I, and if it wasn�t for her, I don�t think I would�ve survived the night. When she finally got me to go to bed, it was the loneliest feeling in the world. I rolled over many times in the night, waking when I rolled onto the empty space beside me. The next morning I woke up, reaching out for you, wanting to wake you up with a kiss. And I cried as my arms hit the cold pillow next to me. And then I wondered if you did the same thing. But then I remembered that you found someone else. ~Is my timing that flawed, our respect run so dry?~ I can�t figure it out. Josh found someone better for himself than me. It makes me sad to just think about it. And it�s a women too. That makes me wonder if he was just playing me the whole time, just exploring his sexuality. And then I remember all our wonderful times together and decide that it had to be real. There�s no way anyone could fake a love like that. But where did we go wrong? Why wasn�t I enough for him? Did I drive him into the arms of that woman? I would hope not. But I guess I�ll never know. Sometimes I think that maybe I just picked the wrong time to tell you how I felt. Maybe I should�ve waited. I told him during a very stressful period in our careers. We were working on our forth album, trying to advance the sound even further than it was in Celebrity. We were also planning the tour for the new album and working on a plan for a movie. So I�m sure it wasn�t the best time to tell Josh. But with all the stress, I really needed someone to talk to, and he was the one who cornered me and made me talk. I confessed everything to him that night, and I was so relieved when he just smiled and hugged me. It was a few weeks before he admitted to me that he felt the same way towards me, and then shortly after that our relationship began. I was in heaven that night that he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. That was the best feeling in the world. I miss that too. ~Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives~ The strange thing is that even though we�ve broken up, even though he broke my heart, I still call him when I am upset or stressed. I know that he doesn�t love me, but it really comforts me to hear his voice telling me that everything will be ok. Sometimes I just pretend that we are still a couple and that if he were here next to me, he would hug me and make everything better. But then I hear her voice in the background, yelling about something, telling him to get off the phone and pay attention to her, and I come back to reality. And it hurts. Do you cry out in your sleep All your failings exposed? I sometimes wonder if Josh feels badly about what he did to me. Does he even care that he hurt me so much? The only apology he ever gave me was right after he told me about *her.* All he said was, �I�m sorry, Lance,� before walking to the door and closing it softly behind him. after that it was a little awkward, but then it changed. It just went back to the way it was before. I couldn�t, for the life of me, figure out how he could act so normal. But I was so sick of the other guys nagging me about what was wrong. So I just went along with it and tried to look happy. Sometimes I just wanted to scream at Josh for ignoring what he did. Ignoring how much it had affected me. I sometimes hoped that he�d be haunted by my sad eyes for the rest of his life. But then I decided I was wasting my time wishing bad things for him. Because I still loved him. And that love would last forever. ~~ The day I got the call from his girlfriend was the worst one of my life. I thought the worst day was when he broke up with me. But I was very wrong. She called me, tears evident in her voice, to tell me that he was gone. I was confused at first, and then I didn�t believe her. How could he be gone just like that? But she had no reason to lie to me. I talked to her for a few minutes, and then I told her I had to go. I hung up the phone, curled into a ball, and cried for hours. �How could he do this to me? To everyone?� I kept thinking over and over. He�d slit his wrists, leaving this world in a cowardly way. And once the aching sadness calmed, I was angry. Why didn�t he talk to me about his problems? Why did he do this? I needed to know. I called up his girlfriend the next day, asking if there was a suicide note. My heart skipped a beat when she said, through her tears, that there was one, but it was only for me. His suicide note was only meant for me. I flew to Maryland the next day, needing to find out what he�d written to me, and why the note was only addressed to me. I greeted his girlfriend with a sad smile and a small hug and she handed me the note, telling me I didn�t have to stay. I was grateful that she understood, and knew that later I would probably tell her what he said, because she had a right to know. I left the house, the note in hand, trying to decide where to read it. I decided to go to Josh�s favorite park, which was only about fifteen minutes from the house. I got out of the car, crossing the grassy field, to the place where Josh and I always went. We�d always walked to the largest tree and sit under it, talking. We�d even carved our initials into in when we had been feeling very silly. I sat down in my usual spot, trying to find the courage to open the note and read it. I�ve never felt such pain and anticipation in my life. When I finally opened the note and saw his scribbled writing on it, I cried. I cried for the lost life of the one I loved more than my own life. I cried for all our good times. And I cried for the bad. I cried for the times after we broke up that he still comforted me. And I cried for his girlfriend, because she knew how I felt. She had lost him too. Once my tears had stopped and my breathing had calmed, I looked down at the note, reading it slowly. When I had finished, I placed the note on the ground next to me and stared up at the sky. I didn�t cry anymore after that moment. Because he loved me. He couldn�t live with the fact that he hurt me so deeply. Josh took his life out of love for me. And in some strange way, I found comfort in that. ~Love will tear us apart again~ I will miss him dearly. But now I know that my sole mate did love me back. And I know everything will be ok, just like he told me many times before. THE END Song used: �Love Will Tear Us Apart� by Joy Division |