| If Only |
| �What is the point of this?� you wonder, letting your mind ponder the things you�ve been thinking about for a long while. Your life is a mess. You don�t even know who you are anymore. You try to think about positive things in your life�. Your family, your friends� But your thoughts always come back to him. On one hand, you don�t want to think about him. It hurts too much. It�s always hurt, but you can�t stop it. You�ve always tried to find a way to relieve the pain, but it never works. On the other hand, you do want to think about him. Because he means so much to you. You love him. You don�t want to, but you can�t help it. He is just so lovable, so special in your eyes. But it hurts. You don�t know why you love him so much. Well, you understand why you started, but not why you still do, why you can�t let him go. He was so easy to love when you were together. He�d whisper soft, comforting words in your ears. He promised that you�d be together forever. Bullshit. Together forever? Then where was he now? Ok, so you know where he is, which just adds to the hurt when you think about it, but why isn�t he here with you, you ask yourself. You sigh. You no longer understand why you are living. You have no reason to live. He used to be your reason. But not anymore. Because he is gone now. Now you feel you have no reason. He left you to fend for yourself. Not that you aren�t strong. You are. But the heartache you feel overpowers your strength. So you feel weak. You still remember the day that the love of your life left you. What a sad and gloomy day it was. It seems like just yesterday. But then again, it doesn�t. Because it seems like he�s been gone forever. Your thoughts contradict each other as you think back to that horrible day. The day when your heart was torn out of your body and cut into a million pieces. The day that you found your beloved boyfriend laying on the bathroom floor, blood pooling around his wrists. He�d already bled to death before you found him. And you blamed yourself. So many �if onlys� came up that you were sure you would go insane. �If only I�d stayed home.� �If only I�d spent more time with him, pair more attention to him.� �If only I�d showed him my love more often.� But you didn�t. And you hate yourself for it. You tried to hate him for leaving you. But you can�t. Because you still love him. You could never hate him. Sure, you are a little mad that he left you like this, but deep down in your heart, you take the responsibility. Not even your therapist can change your mind, although she thinks she already has. So where does that leave you? Standing in the same bathroom, sobbing, and holding a razor blade to your wrist. You don�t think you can live another day without him to comfort you. You do not think you are strong. You feel the prick of the razor as it slices across your wrist. The first real feeling you�ve had since he died. And then you realize. You don�t want to die. You want to feel. You want to feel good. And maybe, just maybe, if only you try, you can make your life better. If only. THE END Note: I realize that there were no names metioned in this story, but I wrote it with Justin/JC in mind. It can be whoever you want. |