Brothers

It's weird, when we started this thing I would've never in my wildest dreams thought we'd make it this far.

I mean come on we are *NSYNC, the hottest group in the world and nothing is bringing us down... yet.

Yeah, the negativity. The 'yet.' The fact that we all know that one day, sooner than later this whole wild ride is gonna come crashing to a halt sending us flying with nowhere to land.

We all know it's gonna happen someday. I mean once you get so high up, there's only one way to go.

It's weird when we started this thing I thought I'd get some guys together, make a quick buck and do what I love. That's all I wanted. I was a jaded 23 year-old. I'd had the life experience of someone three times my age. I just wanted to have fun.

And that's where those four men came in and changed my entire life. Nothing will ever be the same.

The cliche, ya know what I mean. The 'we're not just a group, we're family,' line that is one of our constant standbys in interviews. It's not BS; it's the honest to God truth.

Imagine, five completely different guys, pulled from five completely different backgrounds and lifestyles. Imagine us living together 24/7 with no breaks, no time to get away. Now add a music career into the mix. Ok wow, I just described an episode of Making the Band. That's not what I wanted to do at all.

As soon as we got Lance that was like it. Lou knew what he had. He's not as stupid as he may appear to the human eye. He knew we were Backstreet all over again only this time with personality and a charisma they couldn't have dreamt up.

We were in the studio, in the warehouse, in GERMANY like right away. He wasn't gonna sit on us. Ok, bad, bad mental picture I know, but keep up with me here.

Germany was a whole other world completely. No families, no friends: just the five of us trying to figure everything out. We were young and all we had was each other.

There wasn't much of a choice to whether we'd get along or not. It was sometime after we hit it big in Germany that we had gone out to the mall. To put it lightly, very lightly, we were chased out of the place lucky that no one had been caused any bodily harm.

We were scared. No one likes the idea of being grabbed at or chased down into corridors with no outlet. It scared us shitless. Lynn and Diane were with us at that point but they were back at the hotel. We had convinced them that for the night we were "big boys." After all I was 24 at the time, I could take care of myself but I didn't mind being momma-ed.

So there we were all crowded into the small rental van we called our "tour bus," on the edge of nervous breakdowns. I think it was Lance who started crying first. He was the one who wasn't even sure he wanted it or not. We kinda hunted him down and forced him to join. Or fate forced him to join when he heard the five of our voices click just minutes after meeting.

We were sitting in the van waiting to be spotted again when Lance just let out this huge sob and crumpled onto the seat. Justin went next, just the sound of someone else letting it all out urging him to do the same. I was in the front seat so all I could do was watch as JC pulled Lance upright and held him lightly trying to sooth him. Justin had crumpled into a ball between the driver's seat and the middle seat and Joey was attempting to coax him out.

It was our first taste of what life would bring to offer us.

That night, like every night we all crammed into our hotel room. (You see Lou was a cheap bastard back in the day, only allowing us two hotel rooms while in Germany. One for Lynn and Diane, and one for us boys.)

It usually went like this: Lance would act all excluded as we joked around and would go and settle on the bed closest to the window. A few minutes later JC would grow bored and join him. Soon Justin would fall to the bed, and then Joey and I usually ended up curled on the floor between the two.

It was routine. It was safe.

But yeah, everyone knows what happened next... Disney concert... lots of appearances... cover of BOP... CD sold millions... household name... enormous fan base... constant touring...NSA.

Oh yeah, forgot one thing. The lawsuit. The lawsuit sucked. We didn't even know what was happening. We were the most naive fuckers in the world looking back at it now. It should seem weird to be the biggest thing and have nothing to show for it, yes? Well, we were too caught up in the ride.

It was shortly after Lance collapsed that JC showed up at rehearsal with a notebook. That wasn't odd or anything, the boy was constantly writing, just wanting something of his own to show up on the new disc. But that notebook held more than just music. I'll never forget that damn bright yellow notebook.

It held the facts that JC's uncle had been kind enough to figure. It didn't leave much to the imagination. It didn't take long to realize we had been screwed.

On top of Lou's whole spiel when Lance was sick that "you're a performer, that's what you do. No one cares how you feel, now get out there and work your ass off," it didn't take us long to realize that he wasn't who he said he was.

So we sued. It was messy. Messy, messy, messy. There isn't a lot more to it than that. We were stuck in Orlando for weeks and we all stayed together at my new place. The place that Lou had to 'loan' me MY hard-earned money for. It was kind of like the sleepovers in Germany.

It was a stressful time. The lawsuit wasn't the only thing happening either. One night Justin, Joe and me decided to go out, try to take the edge off of everything and relieve a little stress. Lance and JC decided to just hang out at my place.

When we returned we got a shocker. There on the coach were our two bandmates lying nuzzled together in what could be called nothing less but a loving position. Yeah, it didn't take much longer after that for them to finally admit it to us.

There were so many nights during the lawsuit where we would go back to that house and we would return to the way we were that night in Germany. We would crumble to the floor and cry and cry until there was nothing left to cry for. There were kisses given on tear-stained cheeks and hugs that turned into embraces. We'd fall asleep on the floor like that and wake up in the morning entangled in a pile of limbs.

We won the lawsuit. We prevailed. We released NSA. It broke records. We proved ourselves. We were 'IT.' We returned all those nights to the bus where sometimes all we had left to give each other were our tears.

We toured a lot more. We released Celebrity. It didn't do great. I mean it did GOOD but it didn't do AS GOOD AS NSA. For nothing could do as good as NSA 'cuz, it was the record to beat. We were satisfied.

If you really want to know what happened though that's not it. Joey had a baby. The flirt became the proud papa. I lost the love of my life over stupid things I never thought I would let get in the way. Justin finally admitted that he in fact loved Britney, gasp, to the world. Not to the group since we had been hearing it for three years.

Lance and JC had beards, they cried a lot. They would show up to rehearsals, tears clouding their eyes, clear indicators of what was discussed before they entered that door. JC purposed to Lance right after Celebrity hit.

That's the real us. No pin-up, no interview could tell you that. WE can't even tell you that. We can't tell anyone that. We hint of our life off camera, behind the music, but you'll never know the full velocity of it all. Our own families don't know the velocity of it all.

We all know it all, however. You don't spend six years, day in, day out, with a group of guys and not learn everything there is to learn about them. We know what makes each other tick. We know what we're scared of.

The future... love... death... life after the group... marriage... coming out... failing... exposing our souls to the world... disappointment... life.

No matter what happens we all will always be brothers. Cliche, yes; true, yes.

Sometimes we still lock ourselves in hotel rooms and cry and laugh and experience everything together because we all know we can't do it apart.

THE END