| Alive |
| ~Time goes slowly now In my life Feel no more Of what I�m not sure~ I needed to get away. I needed to escape. So that�s exactly what I did, I left. I went to see him before leaving, and the look on his face when I told him what I was doing broke my heart. But I needed time to myself, time to reflect on my life and everything that was going on. I needed to get away from the busy schedule, all the demanding people, and just be by myself. I needed to see if I could live without him. At first it was hard. I sat around, bored out of my mind. He was always the one to suggest going out, or to interrupt me just to talk, but he wasn�t there. So I found myself with not much to do. I went out a few times, but it wasn�t really fun without him. I went to play some basketball, and as I played, I remembered all the times he�d played with me even though he hated the game. He thought I asked him to play because I could beat him so easily, but in reality was so I could share my love of the game with him. When I sat down to write I found that I no longer had inspiration. Without him near, I couldn�t write about love, and since I wasn�t feeling happy, all I wrote about were sad and depressing things. When I thought of him, I remembered that we were apart, and then felt the loneliness sweep over me. It was so hard trying to write about him, and about our love, when he was so far away. My feelings were really screwed up for a while. Before I left I wasn�t sure where our relationship was going, or where I wanted it to go. I didn�t know where *he* wanted it to go either. Sitting down and talking would�ve been a much better solution, and I wished I could go back to him that minute. But before I went back to him, I knew I had to figure out my feelings. I needed something to tell him when I returned. But I still didn�t know what. ~Searching to fill your soul The strength to stand alone The power of not knowing And letting go~ I sat down one day, exactly a week from the day I left him, to figure it all out. I went to a beach nearby, sat down on the sand, stared into the ocean, and thought. The first thing I thought of was his eyes. The color of the ocean at that moment, with the sun shining down on the water, was the color of his eyes. It was the most beautiful color I�d seen in my life. His eyes were truly the key to his soul. I used to look deep into them and feel like I was a part of him. And then when I stopped feeling that, it scared me. I used to see love in his eyes, and then it seemed like he was hiding something. I felt like I was no longer being the lover that he needed me to be, and that hurt. It hurt because I thought we were perfect for each other. In my young mind, I truly believed that we would be together forever, that we would never come to what we did. I really wanted to be everything that he needed. And I realized that I didn�t know exactly what he did need. The more I thought about it, the more I regretted leaving him. It did feel good to realize that I was able to live on my own, live without him. But then again, it was so hard to be without him. It was hard to not know what was going to happen to our relationship. I hated not knowing, but I knew that it only made me stronger, and he needed me to be strong. I knew that much. ~Love in and out Of my, my heart And though life can be strange I can�t be afraid~ In my entire life, I knew that I�d never been so deeply in love with anyone as I was with him. He was my life now, and although that scared me, it also made me so happy. I wanted him to be the one I spent the rest of my life with. But he wasn�t my first. I�d been in so many relationships, and in every single one of them I was hurt. It took me so damn long to get over all the hurt, and I was so thankful that he was patient. Because he didn�t have to wait for me. And he did. He didn�t have to hold me when I cried. But he did. And he didn�t have to cry with me, comfort me. He did. And that was why I loved him. That is why I love him still. He was always there for me, and even though I�d been through so much pain in all my previous relationships, he was able to get through to me. And he caused me to believe that true love was attainable. He taught me to be strong. ~I guess I�ve found my way It�s simple when it�s right Feeling lucky just to be here tonight And happy just to be me And be�alive~ In all my thinking and all my analyzing, I missed one important detail. He loved me. He *loves* me, and I truly believe that. I trust him with my life, and I know that our love will last. The answer was right in front of me, but I panicked. I was worried that I had lost another relationship, and this was the most important one. But I hadn�t� at least not yet. I knew that there was only one more thing I needed to do, and that was to go back to my baby, and ask him to accept me back even though I�d left him with no explanation. **** He was sleeping when I arrived, and I sat, just watching him sleep. I knew then that I was the luckiest person in the world. I had everything I ever needed right in front of me. All I needed to do was to let him know that. When I shook him awake slowly, and he looked up at me with those loving green eyes, I felt my heart explode. He said nothing, but pulled me into his arms. And at that moment, I didn�t want to be anywhere else, or be anyone else. He didn�t ask for a reason or an explanation as to why I left. He didn�t ask where I�d been or what I�d been doing. He trusted me, and that made my heart swell with love. He just accepted me back, and that was what made me truly believe we would be ok. I knew I�d have to explain later, but I was prepared. I was going to tell him that I loved him with all my heart. I was going to tell him that I was afraid that we were growing apart, but my time alone made me realize how close we really were. I was going to tell him that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But that was for later because at that moment, I was just happy to be in his arms where I belonged. I was thankful just to be alive and to be able to share my life with him. Song used: �Alive� � Jennifer Lopez THE END |