| I think I should turn over a new leaf. I think I should live as if today is the last day of my life. I think I should become the living embodiment of every motivational quote ever written. I feel the need...the need for...well, not speed. But something. And today, I'm looking to fill it with writing. So, the guy (oh, yeah, Bob, he's still around)..he says he thinks I'm a good writer. I dunno 'bout all dat. I don't think he'd lie..he's not the sort to mouth falsities just to bolster my sagging ego...but, I think he's mistaken. And I think if I keep writing stuff..he'll see his mistake. Now, as for the rest of you jokers, well, who cares? I mean, the only one who reads this crap and comments is Bob and he's a nameless (but for the whole Bob thing), faceless, email addy that I can delete whenever I feel the urge. (Sorry, Bob, I really care about you..I'd never delete you for real.) The guy, well, he's a person. A person that I have to see every day (note: "have to" does not indicate in any way that it is a chore or that I do not also "want to"..I'm just talking here..no need to get sensitive.) And in seeing him every day, there is a much higher probability that I will have to see the disappointment...the boredom..the TRUTH about how awful a writer I am in his sad, little puppy dog eyes. And who needs that, I ask you? Who wants to stare down their own inadequacies? I mean, let's face it, I..we..all of us, I bet, are much better at staring down others' inadequacies. And that's the way it should be. Seems to me that we pretty much have society set up to constantly judge, belittle and berate one another. Why should we ever make any efforts on our own to improve ourselves? I mean, as the guy says, is a drunk really doing the world a service when they sober up? Is that a beneficent gesture on their part? Nuh-uh. Nope. Nosirree, Bob. They sober up for themselves. They sober up to make things easier on themselves. Well, if drunks can sober up to make things easier on themselves..then why can't I just be fucked up and not try to fix it to make things easier on myself? Now, I know what you're thinking - you're thinking - you CAN - but if you do remain fucked up, WE don't have to be around you. But I think that's crap. I think you should have to be around me. I think you should have to just accept my fucked-upness. Accept it and love me totally for it. I think you should have to remain hopelessly devoted to me and that I should get to remain fucked-up because it's easier. How's that? So, how'd I get onto that subject from not wanting the guy to see that I'm really not a good writer and that I shouldn't just put away my keyboard? Um...I don't know. But if I could be all kinds of fucked up and know that you (the people, the cosmos, Bob) would remain hopelessly devoted to me...I could write all sorts of crap. Just as soon as I knew the guy was reading this page...I stopped being able to write as freely. Cuz my audience has a name and a face and the ability to criticize. Well, criticize this...right now..at this very moment..I do not care if my writing sucks and you think it. I do not care if I never write a valuable goddamned thing. I do not care because there's joy in writing and I'm all about feeling some joy right now. I think I have stuff to say. I think it's boring and trite and that very very very very few people would have any interest in reading it but so the fuck what? I'm an American, damnit (insert cheezy patriotic music here). It's a free country and I'm free to speak (Bill of Rights, Article I, Congress shall make no law...(yada yada yada..buncha crap about religion)...or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press....(or blah blah blah and so on and so forth..something about assemblies or pep rallies or something..). But I made my point, right? heehee And don't nobody say nothing about me abridging Article I or just using the parts that I want to and conveniently leaving out the parts I don't. Because I believe in all the other stuff - I just don't feel like including it because it doesn't relate to my specific point. And anyway, all that interpretation of the law and version of the truth stuff is for you religious people with your gods and your instruction manuals and such. There is no King James version of the Constitution. Know what I mean? And, that, my friends, is that. How'd I do? (But don't really answer that because if you'll read this entry carefully and even just sort of take a cursory glance at all prior entries, you'll find that I am an hypersensitive, insecure, no self-esteem windbag who really isn't interested in your constructive criticism because no matter what you say "constructively"...my sorry little brain will take it and run (destructively) with it...like running with scissors in your hand poised right above your heart and pressing against the skin enough to cause a red mark.) Um...anyway, feel free to write me! (I already told you not to...don't make me say it again.) :D |