| ya know, sometimes i read what i've written and i think to myself that i am just a plain old, self-indulgent bitch. i'm so full of judgements and criticisms for everyone else, and while i really do mean to change the stuff i don't like about me..i never really do it. or i do it so slowly that it's barely perceptible. truth is..i think i have a lot of potential. my love is fierce. my feelings are strong. if passion is a virtue, then i'm a virtuous woman. i'm just a confused one. i wish i could have a few moments of clarity. but i guess it would be too easy if the answers were obvious. i mean, what success is there in making an easy choice? i guess, as far as choices go, the real value is in the difficult ones...you know, the ones where it's all fuzzy and gray and things could go either way...the ones where you know no matter which choice you make, you could end up regretting the hell out of it later. i suppose that's when it counts. and there's something else, too....all this self-loathing. i spend so much time on it that i never get to do anything else. in relationships, i'm so certain that i'm about to be found out and then ditched, that i scurry around like a squirrel hiding nuts for winter. tucking away a nugget here, an acorn there, burying them under piles of leaves and dirt - stowing them in little, out of the way crooks of trees. so certain, am i, of the inevitable disaster, that the behavior is automatic. it'll be the height of the nuts season - with winter far away - and there i am, so frantically burying my nuts that i fail to enjoy a season of plentitude. oh, i'm not saying i shouldn't plan for winter...just maybe take a little time to enjoy the spring. anyway, there has got to be a better way to do it. but, ya know, at heart, i'm a nice squirrel. i really care and i'd give anything, do anything, sacrifice anything for some people. and for all my gut responses to run away, i'm committed. running away is a fantasy that i've had since i was a little girl. it's something that i use to comfort me when i feel like nothing is going to work out the way i want it to. "well, if it's too bad..i can always run away." but just like when i was 9 years old, i'd probably end up hiding under a canoe in my friend's back yard until it got too cold and then give up and go home..not because i was too afraid, but because it isn't really what i want.. anyway, even if i didn't give up and go home, i know i can't really escape what it is that i need to escape. not that way. you know, but he's wrong about one thing...i do not hate myself completely. i'm used to reacting as if i do...defending myself like a criminal. but it's not because i truly think i'm a criminal...or rather, not because i think i am *only* a criminal. yes, there are things about myself that i do not like..and yes, my conditioning was thorough, but, all in all, i'm a good person. it is not my desire nor my intent to hurt anyone - i go to great lengths to avoid that - and often at much personal cost. and i don't (often) ask for anything in return. people do not have to be perfect for me to love them. and i try not to ask for perfection. and i never stop trying. that's something, in my opinion. so then, why am i so certain that he could never really like me or want me around? why am i so certain that i'm just occupying a role in his life..designed to fill some need...and that it has nothing to do with me as a person? i dunno. habit, maybe. because that's what most people do. because that's what i'm used to. maybe it's true. but it's not true for me. i am with him because i enjoy him. i am with him because i admire him. i am with him because i can't think of another person that i respect enough to want to know that well. oh, but he can be self-righteous at times. as if everything that is difficult or hard about our relationship is me. it's not true, sweetie. it's okay. but it's not true. i am, however, very sorry that he doesn't think i'm interested in him or his life and that he thinks i don't care if this is a hard period for him. i do care. very much. i don't know how i've managed to convey otherwise. and that, bob, my friend, is exactly my problem. can i get a little consistency here? sheesh. |