| could i possibly create more trouble in my life? i mean, given half a chance, i'll just torque everything up to high drama and low hope. i'm such a windbag of despair. it's pathetic. oh, i've got some realistic doubts, to be sure, but since i can't tell those apart from my own screaming needs, it's really fucking hard to think rationally. the guy (yeah yeah) says i have to save myself. yeah, newsflash. but pardon my poutiness and my insolence for a minute because i want to know why. why do i have to save myself? hey, man, i started out fine. somebody else fucked me up..at least, somebody else started it. i sure have helped 'em out over the years, though. of course, i did that because i was already fucked, but ya know - do we REALLY need to play the blame game? (yes, i recognize what i just said.) truth is, i don't want to be that person - the one who does nothing but sit around complaining that it wasn't their fault. i recognize that if i want to be different, i have to change me. and i guess i've finally figured out that it's me that i want to be different. i used to think it was everybody else that needed to be different. but people are what they are and i want to be able to love them for what they are - not what they do for me. don't get me wrong - i have been very giving in relationships - it is not always about me - but underneath it all, buried somewhere in the bowels of my human digestive system, was always this tapeworm of need that sucked up whatever little bits that were offered it. sometimes it happened so fast i didn't even see the little bits - just felt the frenzy of the feeding. this reminds me, for some reason, of the thing that i regret doing the most in my relationship with gabe: the fight. he went out with a friend one night (i didn't want him to go - i am so codependent) and ended up getting jumped by some folks. i don't know why it happened - can't ever really know the circumstances surrounding the whole situation, but at the time it just freaked me out. i was so mad at gabe for getting into a fight. his face was torn up - he should've gotten stitches, really - but all i could think was how could he do that? i was so cold towards him. he was in pain and i was cold and angry. i hate that so much. i am so disgusted and sick with remorse over that. whatever happened - whatever the cause of the fight - i should have set my own fucking fears and needs and neuroses aside. i get nauseaus thinking about it. my poor baby was hurting and i turned my back. ya know, sometimes, you just want to take it back. and i don't want to live a lifetime of moments that i want to take back. shit. i know it's all up to me. i just have no faith in my ability to sort it out. ya know, it's all pretty confusing for me. it makes me wonder if maybe it's even possible. it's not that i want an excuse to not try, because frankly, there's no hope of me not trying, it's just that i look around me and i don't see most people struggling with the same sort of stuff. my theory is that somehow, those folks had something from the start that i never got. i keep wondering how i'm supposed to take care of myself when i don't even know what that is. my whole youth was built around the foundation that i was bad and, therefore, forgotten. my whole adulthood is built around trying to prove my youth wrong and knowing i'll never be able to do that. it's like building on a foundation of quicksand with me. again, it's the cornucopia of need. so how do i stop putting that need onto other people? how do i isolate what's me being crazy and what's not? and how do i go about loving someone else without shackling them with my needs? and incidentally, i feel myself shutting down with the guy. the more my emotions open up to him - the more fearful i become of taking risks with him. great. |