unspeakably terrifying
for myself and for the ones i love
the thoughts that plague me
sometimes lulling me to sleep, almost blissfully
in the resoluteness of them
the knowledge that it would be the right thing to do
if i only had the nerve

not yet, though
not now
maybe next time
the thoughts grab ahold of me
i won't feel saddened by them
maybe next time it will just be so
maybe next time the thoughts won't just be resolute
but so will i

maybe not, though
maybe it won't be the next time
or the time after
but it seems as if there surely will be a time
when that will be the case
and i'll wait patiently until then
i have waited patiently so far
sifting through the rubble
that is my emotional life
hunting and pecking for the little gems
that hide between the stones
that life throws
sometimes i find them
but when seen through the kaleidoscope of pain
that i look through every day
they seem so small
little flashes of color
hardly worth the effort
of looking past all those tumbling rocks'
that topple around in my mind's eye

every once and a while, though
i do see the beauty in the formation