| November 12, 2000 Sometimes this is enough - a little music, some candles, and writing. Sometimes this is all I need in the world. I swear, it's kept me alive. There were purple days in college. It was fall, it was dusk, I had a bottle of wine, some candles, some mood to cast a pall on the evening...and writing. My depression is never alleviated, but sometimes writing lets me live in spite of it. I know I am self-indulgent; I know I am self-pitying. I know I am weak-willed, but I just feel it all so strongly. Like a song that gives you chills while it sings to soothe your soul. You know those songs? Anyway, sometimes it gets me through the night. As I get older, it's taking more and more to get me through the night. Used to be, a couple of drinks out would do it..or a conquest..or a crush. Now it takes all of the above. Now I'm hooked on the drama, the numbness, the pain, and the emotions. I can't make it through the night without it. I feel like I'm dying when it's not all there. I just want to be safe. I want to feel certain. For once in my fucking life I want to feel sure of something. It's damn sure not going to be me. I believe in myself for lots of things, but I know the truth about me - that no one else sees - I cannot do it alone. That is my weakness - I will not make it on my own. I will die if I am left on my own. My life has created such a vacume of need in me that I now need to have someone else feeding it. Problem is - I don't think it'll ever be anything but a vacume. I don't think you can fill a vacume. They are like reverse cornucopias - the neverending basket of emptiness. I wish I drank scotch. I wish I had a scotch rocks in a glass..tinkling with each sip I take...the exhale of breath that allows follows the sip...the sound of the glass connecting with the beads of condensation on the coaster and then the click when the glass settles...the clarity of the task. I need clarity. And you know, sometimes, when I'm with the guy (you know the one), I see so clearly that he and I should see each other, that we are growing something between us. And sometimes, when I'm with him, I see equally clearly that he is only going to destroy me and I should pull out to protect me. It's difficult to know what to do. My instincts conflict. Part of me says that I should live my life..that this feels good, mostly, and at the very least is compelling and therefore, interesting. Part of me says that I should let it go, grow up, stop damaging yourself and learn to accept life. But I'm so hooked..it's like a drug. That concept alone confuses me. Is love a drug? Should you be addicted to the romance of it or is that just foolishness? and shouldn't you? I mean, what good is love if it isn't the romantic vision of it? The guy named it when he said he wanted "meaning." That's what I want. I want it to mean something and I want it to mean something important. I want to feel connected to someone. I want to feel sure of them - certain of the connection. But people don't do that. People have no loyalty. People think loyalty is something that you are when it's convenient - which is the opposite of loyalty. Loyalty is the commitment part of a relationship. Loyalty says that you will be there, loyal, through it all. It says that even when it's not exciting, even when you learn that you will not have all that you desired, even when you have to make big sacrifices, you'll still be there. Loyalty is a promise kept. And no one is loyal. And that is why I will never get what I truly want. It does not exist. Safety, at least that kind, is not possible. It's asking too much of people. And so I sit here with the knowledge that the thing I've dreamed of all my life does not exist for me and yet, I still need it. I was created with this need - and it can never be filled. What now? How do I come to terms with it? Well, obviously, the answer is God. Only I don't believe in that. What now? Scotch rocks, cigarette, candles, music, writing. or drama. It's all a head game. And such a rush. |