Friday, October 13, 2000

I don't have a lot to say, at least, nothing specific.  But I've got some time and no one's around so I might as well.

I've started dating this guy - a real weirdo.  But not a weirdo in a bad way - he's cool.  He makes me uncomfortable as hell which is highly unusual. I think it's because the tables are turned a little with him.  Usually, it's me who's seeing through the bullshit.  I sit over on my side of the table thinking how full of shit the other person is.  With this guy - it's the other way around.  I'm a festival of bullshit when I'm around him.  Or so it would appear.  I mean, I've always thought I was pretty genuine - pretty open about who I am, but for some reason, I am not getting much of me out when this guy is around.  I can't figure out why.  He intimidates me - that is established - but why?  No one intimidates me.  Why him?  I think, for me, it's because he's real.  This is real.  We are dating.  I don't know what he wants or what his intentions are, but for me, it's real.  This isn't just some hook-up.  I'm not saying it's anything serious or important - it's way to fucking early to tell that - but it's not me fooling around with some guy who I can dismiss when he gets annoying.  Anyway, so this guy is smart and has dead-on insights about some things.  Scary!  That's MY job, by god.  And if he's doing it..and I'm not..then who the fuck am I in this thing?  And HE's the sexual freak, not me.  Again - that's MY job. 

I dunno.  So, what do I do? I can't figure out who I am  - can't tell what he's thinking (as if that should matter, huh?) - can't act like myself.  I'm fucked.