| tonight, i feel like whispering secrets to somebody. tonight, i want complicity. i want philosophy and religion and theory. i want to speculate on the state of human beings. i want to commiserate. i want to comfort. i want closeness. boy, i sure know how to handle myself. for those of you (bob) that follow, today i started to dump the guy (he knows who he is). i started to, but couldn't bring myself to do it. i told myself that i just wanted to have the conversation in person, so i went to see him. i really just wanted to see him a last time. i still thought i was going through with it. until i saw him - looking apprehensive and a little lost. then i wanted to erase it all and start over. i wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. then i realized that part of it was simply that i hadn't seen him in a couple days and i missed him. and then i reminded myself of what i was there to do. so, i steeled myself, asked him not to shut me up everytime he thought what i was saying was bullshit, and warned that i would probably cry. so far so good. and then, all my clarity - all the reasons for why i was doing it - went away and i fell apart. i couldn't say what i meant, i couldn't explain how i felt. in his presence, i forgot all the reasons that he and i were a bad idea and felt all the reasons why it was so hard to break up with him. and then i'm looking at him and i realize that i truly did not want him gone - i cared about him. the problem was not that i could not love him...the problem is that i am not strong enough to be in the relationship. so often, it feels like his behavior is bad, but most of the time, it's really simply that his behavior is not what i want. that changes things. so, in the end, i told him that i didn't want him gone and that i'd be his friend forever. i told him that 30 years from now, whether we've spoken or not, if he calls me and says he needs me..i'll be there. and that is true. i don't know if he and i can have a lasting romantic relationship, but i believe in him enough to know that i will be there for him. even if he's changed - even if he does something bad - if nothing else, i'll be there just to honor the bond that i feel for him right now. it's rare to find people that are worth loyalty, and when you do, you have no other option but to honor it. so, we had our talk and it was both difficult and lovely, and in the end, drew no conclusions. but he made an effort later - i guess to reinforce that he doesn't want me to go - and that alone proves my point - no matter what happens - he has earned my loyalty. and so in exchange, i'm going to accept his offering and not ask for everything all at once. i accept his gift gladly and with appreciation. and i hope for the best. |