embrace

I've been fighting it. That's why I'm so tired. You can only fight for so long...then you have to embrace it. You can't accept it..it's not acceptable. But you can embrace it. You can throw open your arms and welcome it. You can see it's beauty - appreciate it's depth. You can love it. You can learn to love it for what it is. Pain.

I suspect that once you do, you free yourself some from the restraints of living. It's a lot less scary once you embrace it.

I've been turning my face away from it for so long, life. I knew it was ugly and beautiful and I didn't want to see it so I turned away. I threw up walls and defenses and delusions..anything I could not convince myself out of..to hide the truth. But the truth persisted and eventually, I had to see it. I didn't want to - I still don't. Part of me still wants there to be magic in the world.

I'm not all the way there, but I'm closer. I'm as close as I've ever been.

I don't know if that makes me happy or sad.

After I embrace it - I won't have to wonder. And that is what I want the most.