desire

Jennifer called me...panicking..she was in trouble again. She was so remorseful - so sure that she needed help. I dropped my life to run help, but alas, upon my arrival, I discovered she wasn't in trouble and therefore, not remorseful. But she said something when she called me....she said she couldn't sit still in her skin. God, I know that feeling. I know that feeling so well. You feel like you'll go crazy if you have to sit there. You don't feel like doing anything constructive. You don't feel like watching TV. You don't feel like anything would be enough to satisfy you. You just sit there..your nerves twitching..you gut tied up in knots...waiting for the explosion that is surely going to happen if you don't DO something. You feel alone and terrified and on the verge of panic.
I've gotten to where I know that feeling better than almost any other feeling. It's one of my most common ones.

Life is very cruel. The mind is doubly cruel. I know Matt Johnson's quote to be truer than anything I've ever heard "the only true freedom is freedom from the heart's desire". I know it and yet I cannot stop my heart from desiring. Because that is a desire...I desire to not desire.

Of course, without desire, I might as well not even exist. It defines me and it defines my life. It is the demon that I run from...the windmill at which I tilt...the lullaby that sings me to sleep.