| October 17, 2000 As far as I know, there is only one person who actually reads what I write here on a regular basis. I don't know why he does it - he's not someone I know - but he's emailed me a coupla times about things I've written. So, let's call him Bob. Bob - thanks for reading this. I didn't actually intend for folks to read this shit - I just wanted to write it and put it out in the cosmos. I have something to say, goddamnit. Nobody ever has to read it - but the fact that I wrote it and that they COULD read it is enough for me. It's out there. If you want to know a little bit about another person's angst...if you want to spy on someone else's emotional life...if you want to know that someone else is boring and nuts and a bad writer - well, here ya go! Right chere - live and in the virtual flesh. And Bob - I gotta tell you - I'm having some sort of emotional crisis. You say I'm always in some sort of emotional crisis? Well, you are right, but this one is noteworthy because it's different. Yeah, I'm always having an emotional crisis - but it's usually over the same stupid things. At least this time, it comes with some relatively new insights and is at least a different variation of the theme. And oh yeah - it's so original. It involves ...a man. *gasp* I know you're shocked. So, I've mentioned the guy to you, Bob. You know he makes me uncomfortable. I think I even mentioned that I'm having some trouble loosening up around him. Well, that's an understatement. I ain't giving this guy a thing, really. Maybe some of the really easy stuff - but none of the difficult stuff. No, I don't like many people. Yes, I love sex. But I don't say why I don't like people and I don't say what sexual activities I like. You may say it's not appropriate to discuss the sexual stuff, but you're wrong. It's very appropriate. He's into sex - it's what he's looking for (maybe not ONLY what he's looking for, but like me, I suspect nothing else matters if you can't get that piece to click). Anyway, it's appropriate. But I can't open up. I'm scared. Both of what's inside me and of not measuring up. I am not afraid he'll judge me (that's a first!) cuz he's a freak. I don't say that in a judgemental way - I like it. It's just a fact. I am one, too, albeit slightly repressed. And the thing is - I WANT to be freed. I really fucking need to be freed. So, here I sit with this guy who can see right through all my bullshit. It usually takes men 3 or 4 months (or longer) to figure out that they can't penetrate me. Dude has it locked in 3 dates. And I'm cranky as hell because I feel like he's pressuring me and because I can't go there with him yet and I don't know why. He's losing interest - and I don't blame him. And I'm losing interest because I don't like to be pressured and it's all just a big stupid shame because I think he and I have got some common ground. (Freaks unite!) But I can't help that I need some time and some compassion. And if dude can't ride it out - then he doesn't want to know me. So..where am I? Fuck if I know. But I know this - there's this whole world of deviancy and love and intimacy and strength and direction inside me. It's locked up pretty tight, but it's there. I've got a solid core, but nobody can get to it. Oh, a couple of people see it and they are amazing people because they are so good that I can give me to them. It's not that I'm saying no one else is worthy - it's that I have to know a person isn't going to abuse me. I dunno. I think I might be one of those "when push comes to shove" people. I think I sort of float around a lot of the time, but when I have to - I pull it out. If a friend is down or in some kind of trouble - I'm there. Every time. And they know it. Of course, a lot of the time I'm a selfish, controlling bitch, but I'd give them anything and do anything for them. I'll never abandon them - I'll never knowingly hurt them - I'll never allow anyone else to if I can stop them - and if they do - then I'll be there ready to beat 'em up. I'm loyal like a fucking dog. And I'm proud of that. But that's really not enough, is it? And anyway, how's anybody ever gonna find that out if I cut 'em off at the knees whenever they try to get *in*? Well, thanks for listening, Bob. And thanks for listening cosmos. Yours in everlasting emotional turmoil..*juju |