| Huh, well...I misbehaved. Currently extremely dissapointed in myself. I may have wrecked something that could bring me a sunshiny bit o joy, but I'm not sure where it will lead now. I met a great, wonderful man ( I do mean man ) and...well...took things a smidge too fast like I always do. For some reason...I couldn't help myself. It was one of those things, I know some girls out there feel me. The last thing on my mind a few days ago was...relationships BLAH! Now...I'm not so sure. More than anything I would like to know where I stand now, I'm sure alot of respect on my part was lost, I'm so mad. I burst into tears at the bus stop. I promised no regets, but it's kind of hard to not regret something that could completly ruin a good thing. For some reason...and this never bothers me at all, I want to know exactly how this guy sees me now...it's driving me insane, it was all that was on my mind today. I tried to call, he wasn't home...I got pissed and snapped at my homie Rob..felt worse. Bah. I'm all shaky and nervous, wondering about what I am going to hear from him...I am getting ahead of myself, but I kind of need to know. Someone I could see myself possibly falling in love ( yes love ) with...is coming into town soon, and he wants to spend time with me I'm not too sure how to handle this, I've liked this guy for some time now, and we talk all the time, for hours, about anything. He's very special to me, and I'm afraid. He has the power to break my heart...but no guts no glory. I really honestly tried to take a break from guys all together and the second those words come out of my mouth, more come, and I'm stuck in the same place I was in before...confused. Love is one of the hardest journeys I've ever been on before, I don't know where to go, what to do, how to act...this is one time where I have to make actual possible life changing decisions, I can't just roll with things like I usually do, and that drives me INSANE!!! It would be easy if I could just laze around and see where things fall, but I can't. It's really not fun. I keep changing after every attempt I make fails. People say, not to put so much effort into it, but when you want something so bad, you can't help but try...and that, may be what is wrecking everything for me. I want what I most fear, and I will and have done crazy things to attain it. One of these days, I pray, I'll find what I'm looking for...and I wont have to put myself through so much anymore. Life after 12 is so hard, I can see why people go crazy and play shoot em up. In fact, if they are certifiably insane, I don't blame them at all, I can honestly say, the thought of running around town with a shotgun has crossed my mind several SEVERAL times. I know I could never do anything like that, but it is tempting after the end of a long day, like yesterday. I was comforted by the silver statue guy from Downtown, he's awesome, he rides the same bus as I do...we talk all the time. Even he, with all his people watching experience doesn't know what I should do. Jeez, no one knows what I should do. The one person I care about more than anything, doesn't seem to give a rats ass about me, and more than a few men drive me up the wall on a daily basis with the one thing I dont want to run away from. Can't help it with them though, wrong people. *sigh* Even in my "zen phase" ( video games ) I was so lost... I do my best thinking while I'm shooting little alien guys or zipping around on rollerblades...and today, I came out of the front room with very sore hands, and a headache that called for some major vicodin action. I'm still fighting the urge to call this guy, I told my Mom not to give me the phone...I dont want to look like a desperate obsessed fool. I hope everything goes for the best...if it doesn't, well shit, I'm back at square one again... |