Musings-Angry

I'm having trouble sleeping again. I can't say I'm not sleeping at all, rather I'm playing an umbilical cord between sleep and conciousness. I made the mistake of reading a book, "Rose Madder", that brought back memories, ones I fought for so long to bury away. All night, I snap in and out of a blueish haze ( I suppose that would be called dozing ) when I see a fist fly at me, or a foot, or something worse. The nightmares fill my days also. I battled for so long to forget, to not cry when I see those long faded marks on my body from teeth, nails, cigarettes, ect. Not to shrink away from someone when they make sudden movements at me. It's all starting again.
I suppose memories like the ones Ty gave me, were never meant to be forgotten. A constant reminder that I was his property and he did with me what he wished.
I've long gotten over that "It's all my fault" bull...I know I did nothing wrong, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes.
Still...the dreams return. I can't daydream anymore. I keep myself in a state of constant concentration, so my mind doesn't wander away, and the images wont come back.
I'm afraid, even idle threats make me jumpy. I have a fever of 102., I blame my paranoia on my fever, abnormally high as it is. But I know it's just old old feelings come back to make me remember. I wish, no, I pray, that all these thoughts, images, memories, would fade away...so I wouldn't be afraid to leave my house, and let people in.
I almost ripped the doorbell out yesterday. People keep coming by to see if I'm doing better. I jump 50 feet every time that damned thing chimes. I know it's people meaning to do well but,...some people...some...have me on edge, making threats, calling all the time, someone left a note on my window...it was a rather disturbing one. I wont put it up on here.
It's all over some stupid drama. I would make it stop if I could, but in order to do that...I would have to do a few things that I REALLY dont want to do. I've gotten over everything, I just want to be left alone. All this harassment over what? What is the point?! I never ever ever did anything to deserve this. My Dad is talking about becoming a commuter, he's afraid for me too. He thinks Ty might be out of jail...only Ty doesn't know where my Dad lives, so I suppose I can put him out of the running. I want to know who is doing this to me, it's someone who KNOWS about my past, about a few scars that hardly anyone has seen...I can't think who...it all escapes me.
My mind is such a violent rush. It spins...I feel sick all the time. I'm scared to death, and I have no one to protect me anymore. I'm afraid to sleep in my room, hell, I'm afraid to walk by a window.
I thank god that this term is coming to an end, so I don't have to ride the bus, or wait outside for my ride home at night. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't think straight, I ache all over, the fear gnawing at me, I think I am going insane...
I push my closest friends away, people are getting madder and madder at me...I don't expect them to understand why I put up a wall, I doubt any of them ever could fully comprehend what I've been through, and it seems...like none of them care. The few people who have heard everything that has happened...avoid the subject at all costs, they look at me funny if I break out into tears, they don't console me...I swear...they think I'm lying or something. The one person who told me he'd always be here for me...he lied...lied straight to my face when he said, he'd never hurt me, and that he would always be here for me when I needed him. He said we were best friends...to my face, into my eyes, said we were best friends. I dont know what to do.
My whole world is falling apart, people want one thing from me, and when they don't get it, I turn into some sort of monster. They say I am nothing but a heartless bitch. Which is true, I had my heart ripped out a long time ago, but they can't try to help me regain a little faith, they only badmouth me...make me worse...turn me into what I am now. People don't understand, they just can't let me be. They have to PUSH me, and PUSH me until I break, and I can't take it anymore. I snap, I go crazy, violent, I punched 3 holes in my bedroom wall last night in a blind rage, after I consoled with someone and then they started thier "Liz is Satan" trip all over again. I'm getting madder, I slip in and out of deep fits of anger on a daily basis, my parents are talking about putting me on zombie meds so I stop freaking out all the time. I caught myself going in to strangle my brother...after he wouldn't give me the remote, I am so afraid, I could actually hurt my own flesh and blood, my brother...I should lock myself away, I'm becoming what people make me out to be, evil, hurtful, cold. I want a second chance, to lose all my past memories, to erase everyhting, and start again. Try to make things right this time. Find people who don't make me crazy, as hard as that is...
A second chance, everyone deserves a second chance in life right? I wish mine would come around soon...I'm tired of all this...everything. I want the tears to stop, I want to go a day without crying, that...would be...the most wonderful thing I could ever receive. A day without tears, without tears.