On a Lighter Side

Carlene A
April 1990

How to handle STRESS
Scream often
Pack up all your cares and woes
Stick pencils in an acoustic ceiling
Shop till you drop
Play hooky
Make silly faces at passing motorists
Finger-paint your office/boss
Practice snoring
Sweat profusely
Refuse to have a nice day
Shoot spit wads
Play tic-tac-toe on your plaid clothing
Pretend spaghetti is a finger food
Weep loudly.

Health care in the 90's

. . .One day, a nurse, a doctor and an HMO director were traveling by car to a program on managed care. They were involved in a car accident and all three died.

They went up to the pearly gates to seek admittance to heaven.

The doctor went first. St. Peter asked him, "Why do you think you deserve to be admitted to heaven?" The doctor listed all the patients he had helped over the years. St. Peter listened attentively, then said, "Well, all right, come on in." And so the doctor was admitted to heaven.

Then the nurse approached St. Peter. "Why do you think you deserve to be admitted to heaven?" "Well, the nurse said, "I'm a nurse, and . . ." Before she could say any more, St. Peter said, "You're a nurse? Well say no more; come on in!"

Then the HMO Director approached St. Peter. "And why do you think you deserve to be admitted to heaven?" he asked him. "Well," said the HMO director, "I manage a large HMO. We have thousands of patients and I save the company thousands of dollars by managing their care in a cost-effective manner." The HMO director went on to detail his financial accomplishments.

St. Peter thought for a while, scratched his head, and then said, "Well, all right, come on in . . . but you can only stay three days!"

Anonymous

QUESTION: What do Hospice Nurses, Home Health Aids, Homemakers, Social Workers, Chaplains and Team Secretaries have in common with rubber bands?
ANSWER: Flexibility!

Forget preconceptions
Learn to compromise
Explore alternative
eXamine details carefully
Individualize Care
Be a team player
Learn to improvise
Expect the unexpected

HOSPICE IS IN YOUR LIFE TO TEACH YOUR FLEXIBILITY!!

HOSPICE . . . It's not just a job . . . It's an adventure!

"If" for Hospice

If it's naked, run.
If it won't dissolve, crush it.
If it leaks or runs, cork it, diaper it or put a tube in it.
If you find it on the floor, call the Fire Department.
If it cries, call the chaplain.
If it's broken, call Cambridge.
If it's broke, call the Social Worker.
If it hurts, call the Nurse.
It it's stopped up, call Marynell.
If it doesn't move, call the funeral home.
If it can't swallow, forget it.
It it's alone, don't sign it.
If it's 4 o'clock, forget it or wait till 5:01.
If it's stopped up, call roto-rooter.
If it's brown, describe it and measure it.
If it collects dust, throw it out.
Written by an anonymous group of employees, circa 1990-1991

The Ten Commandments of Hospice

1. You shall be flexible--in mind, heart, and schedule.
2. You shall not threaten, maim, or otherwise harm those who are non-compliant.
3. You shall be gentle in spirit, especially with those who are awake and stupid.
4. You shall waken easily when on-call and not screech at the triage nurse when a patient demands an enema at 3 AM
5. You shall always be aware the team works together for the good of all.
6. You shall not turn off your pager unless you are dead.
7. You shall remember, when asked to predict the length of prognosis, that use of a crystal ball is strictly prohibited.
8. You shall not say, "This is God's will."
9. You shall remember that you work for Hospice; you are not married to it.
10. You shall fill out all forms completely, stating whom you gave them to, where, and why.
This do in remembrance of the last and greatest commandment:
In God we trust; all others must document.
Written by Marynell, RN, and several other hospice employees.

Help Desk Blues
written by Tony Mendez and our friends at the Help Desk in Miami
Here's a little song we wrote.
We were bored while the system was broke.
Don't worry--Reboot!

Here's the theme song from MIS;
You're gonna hear it plenty I guess . . .
Don't worry--Reboot!

The system's down; it can't get up.
The application you're in is stuck.
Don't worry--Reboot!

They say the server, she's state of the art';
We've just got to find one more part.
Don't worry--Reboot!

The new update--wow! . . . your mind will boggle;
Oops! Hey, Barbara, this thing won't toggle!
Don't worry--Reboot!

Vx is dragging--this will take a while;
Delete the directory and refresh your files!
Don't worry--Reboot!

How many Hospice team members does it take to change a light bulb?
The Team Physician said he would write an order for it, if the attending physician would agree.
The Patient Care Manager said she would let us know what corporate said about the problem when she gets through E-Mailing them.
The RN would already have changed it, but she was still working on the documentation from the last bulb she changed.
The Team Secretary is on the phone, and two lines are on hold.
The Social Worker can change it, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
The Chaplain said he would pray about it. Perhaps God wants us to learn something in the dark.
The Home Health Aide (or Homemaker) changed it!
Chaplain Larry T 3/95

Something that we all have figured out . . .

Hugging is healthy . . .
It helps the body's immune system.
It keeps you healthier.
It cures depression.
It reduces stress.
It induces sleep.
It's invigorating.
It's rejuvenating.
It has no unpleasant side effects.
It is nothing less than a miracle drug!

Hugging is all natural . . .
It is organic,
Naturally sweet,
No pesticides,
No preservatives,
No artificial ingredients,
100 % wholesome.

Hugging is practically perfect . . .
There are no movable parts,
No batteries to wear out,
No periodic check-ups,
Low energy consumption,
High energy yield,
Inflation-proof,
Non-fattening,
No monthly payments,
No insurance requirements,
Theft-proof,
Non-taxable,
Non-polluting,
and, of course,
Fully returnable.

Source unknown

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -- Lilly Tomlin

NOTICE: The objective of all dedicated company employees should be
to thoroughly analyze all situations,
anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence,
have answers for these problems,
and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon.

HOWEVER, when you are up to your a** in alligators,
it is difficult to remind yourself that
your initial objective was to drain the swamp!

"You can go crazy, or you can go peacefully."
-- Adele Greenfield

The Ten Commandments of Nursing

1. You shall be flexible--in mind, heart and schedule.
2. You shall not threaten, maim, or otherwise harm, those who are non compliant with your carefully planned nursing goals.
3. You shall be gentle in spirit, especially with those who are awake and stupid.
4. You shall always remain vigilant, even when you have had to work that extra shift.
5. You shall always be aware that all shifts and teams work together for the good of all.
6. You shall not turn off your phone or pager unless you are dead.
7. You shall remember, when working with patients who are terminal, and asked to predict the length of prognosis, that use of a crystal ball is strictly prohibited.
8. You shall remember that Managed Care is not the work of the Devil; even the Devil is confused by all that paperwork and rules.
9. You shall remember you work for your hospital or agency; you are not married to it.
10. You shall fill out all forms, especially if some forms duplicate or triplicate the other forms.
This do in remembrance of the last and greatest commandment:
In God we trust; all others must document!
Marynell W., RN September 1998

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